(Original post by vanderwoodsen)
Thanks for listening and replying
It was, honestly, it was literally exhausting. I'm getting there - I'm definitely out of that dark place I was in, but I still have little wobbles.
I see! Looks like I landed in the right place then
Really sorry to hear about that, I wouldn't wish any mental illness on my worst enemy.
It totally is a huge ask. I understand the Catholic church's stance on remaining celibate, even for hetero couples, but honestly it just frustrates me. It seems like such a backwards attitude to have, and it makes me consider "converting" to some kind of liberal Christianity. I have read about not taking communion thing, however it's the fact that those who don't take communion don't take it because they're deemed to be "notorious sinners"...I despise the idea that something I cannot change/help is deemed to be a notorious sin.
I think that's a good attitude to have regarding it. Because then you'd be able to discuss it with your partner and work out your feelings on it. Perhaps I should take on that school of thought, honestly, I worry about everything.
I don't mind hearing your argument for it! I understand people's feelings about the suffering making you stronger thing, but it's just the fact that during that period of time, I was a child, and couldn't make contact with God. I've never felt blocked out like that before. I can't see any good God forcing that onto a child, you know what I mean? Sorry I'm dumping a lot of heavy stuff onto you that you likely won't be able to answer...
I know exactly what you mean about the separation from God. It's just a really horrific place to be in, away from someone and something you've known your entire life. But I'm glad that when you were at your worst, you found him.
I haven't, no, but I'm starting to think it's maybe a good idea. I haven't been to Mass outside of school in years, and the idea of going seems very...odd? My family are Catholic but it's not like we go to Mass every Sunday, so.
*Hugs back* Thank you so much for listening to me, love, honestly, it just makes you feel so alone sometimes.
Glad to hear you are a bit better, though sorry you still have wobbles. I guess that is inevitable. I think depression is quite similar to anorexia in the sense that there's always the danger of/vulnerability towards a relapse
I'm not saying or suggesting you should go back to Mass, btw. You can ring up a priest's parish secretary and ask for a private appointment with the priest in his home. (You may not even have to say what it's about - I guess different places ask different things.) I have a phobia of churches and they trigger my psychosis, so I very rarely go to Mass. But when I can, I *do* go and chat with a priest attached to my secondary school, Fr S. I chose him over my parish priest because I knew from my secondary school days that Fr S would be kind and compassionate, even if he said the wrong thing or had nothing to say. I am particularly blessed because it so happens that as well as having a schizophrenic brother-in-law (he came to our Church via the Anglican church, so has a wife, three kids and foster kids), he was a mental health social worker before he joined the Anglican church as a priest there. So he knows all about psychosis and depression and thus knows how to help me.
Most people won't be lucky enough to find a priest with such experience of mental health. But if you have a priest in your area (not necessarily your parish) who you know to be kind and/or good at explaining things, you could go and have a chat with him and explain how you are feeling. Priests are far more knowledgeable than lay people, so the priest you choose might be able to help you in some way with your journey of exploring your faith.
I've never heard the notorious sinner thing, personally. Lots of people don't take communion for the simple reason that they haven't been to confession (coz we're not supposed to receive communion unless we've been to confession anyway!). Some of those people may be notorious sinners and yes you will always have the church gossips thinking "X didn't go for communion, I wonder why?" But not taking communion really isn't a big deal. Though I know what you mean, it's a very hard stance from the Church and I hate the idea of not being able to take communion just because I may eventually end up in a so-called "active gay relationship". I should point out that the Church is very clear that being gay is not a sin, just acting on it is. I know that still sucks and is somewhat unfair in some senses, but any Catholic who condemns you just for being gay clearly hasn't read their Catechism!
With regards to your depression, it depends on how you view it. I personally don't think God causes mental illness, and I don't think the Church teaches He does either. Mental illness happens either due to biological disposition (which I guess you COULD claim is God's fault, depending on how you view the creation story, yada yada) or due to sins of others, like sexual assault, rape, bullying, long-term stress caused by others, etc. I know that in my case, it's probably a combination of a slight biological disposition but mainly the sins of others and things other people have put me through, that have caused so much stress that it broke me and my brain irreparably
I do not blame God for my illness in the slightest. I do often wonder why He won't alleviate it, but I don't think He caused it
You are always welcome to PM me btw, if it would help to chat
Stay strong! And do explore the more liberal denominations of Christianity if you feel that might suit you better. I personally cannot leave Catholicism for another denomination because I would always feel I was missing out, due to other churches not having the same reverence for the Blessed Virgin Mary, and the lack of intercession of the saints. No other church or denomination has St Therese of Lisieux, so I'm sticking with the Catholic faith, whether people like it or not
But everyone is different and you have to do what's best for you