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Hot and Cold

[I'm posting anonymously just in case anyone I know reads this - it's not "in the open" yet].

I'm at University in my first year. There's a girl here who I have got to know quite well over the course of the first term; our respective flats used to spend a lot of time together (slightly less this second term though). She is not flirty as such, but she's one of those people who just makes you feel amazing when she gives you any attention (this is something my friends agree with) - not to mention she is beautiful and intelligent. We always got on well last term and this term she is taking the same module as me and now and then after lectures she pops back to my room and ends up staying for a few hours. We chat about all sorts and have quite a few things in common. Recently, after these chats, she has started saying I should "come over later" because she'll be bored. I can't even begin to explain what it's like when she gives you attention; it's as though you're the only guy in the world and she's ridiculously happy to be in your company. From the three guys in my flat who visit her flat a lot she has started saying I'm her favourite - which is great... but... read on.

You're probably thinking "well, what's the problem?". The thing is, she can also show the most crushing levels of indifference. It's not the case that she's directly horrible, it's more as though I am barely noticeable to her at times. Also, as fishing-for-compliments as it may sound, I am not entirely sure why she would be interested in me. We were out the other night and dancing sort of as a group, she barely looked at me and spent the entire night with her girlfriends. I can understand that, but surely if she liked me there would be more effort somehow? Also there have been a few snippets of conversation she's had when I've been around which have made me think. First she said she's not good at commitment - which might explain things a little. Secondly she does make the odd reference to me (in a group with my mates) as a friend. Thirdly she said someone being attractive and a "nice guy" is not enough - there has to be some depth. What does this mean; what sort of stuff? When we chat it's about all sorts, from our subject to politics, to art, to lighter things, but I am not sure if that's the sort of thing.

So yes, as the title suggests, she is very much hot and cold. Never overtly interested in anything other than friendship and never horrible - just enigmatic. It's hard to judge over the internet I expect, but could anyone give any advice on this? What makes a girl act like this? Oh and btw, I should add, I would say that this girl is quite out of my league - not ridiculously so, but certainly she could get someone "better".

I'm also not sure what my next move should/would be. I wish I knew how she felt. At the moment I am thinking I will just wait and see how things develop. One of her good friends asked my best mate whether I liked her (he does know - one of the few people I've told, but asked not to tell others) and he said he wasn't sure and asked if the girl liked me. The answer was neither yes nor no. The lack of negative is good, but it's not positive as such.

Anyway, any comments would be interesting to read. I don't normally fall for girls quite this way so it's a little confusing.

Reply 40

Misogynist

18

Have you ever explicitly told her you like/love her?

Reply 41

Anonymous #1

Dream Theater

Have you ever explicitly told her you like/love her?

Nope.

Reply 42

Misogynist

18

Do that then, in a very affectionate way. Express all the feelings you're posting as text in here. How she makes you eel amazing, how you enjoy her company so much and cant stand being away from her. Let all those emotions pour out in a very natural way.

Reply 43

Anonymous #1

Dream Theater

Do that then, in a very affectionate way. Express all the feelings you're posting as text in here. How she makes you eel amazing, how you enjoy her company so much and cant stand being away from her. Let all those emotions pour out in a very natural way.

You see, in theory that sounds like a fantastic idea. Really, it does. I'd love to do that in many ways. But the problem is I am next to certain she doesn't feel that way and it would make our friendship very awkward. We see a lot of each other too so I couldn't avoid her either.

Reply 44

Misogynist

18

Anonymous

You see, in theory that sounds like a fantastic idea. Really, it does. I'd love to do that in many ways. But the problem is I am next to certain she doesn't feel that way and it would make our friendship very awkward. We see a lot of each other too so I couldn't avoid her either.

Stop being a pessimist and take it from the optimistic angle. It could take your relationship to the next level, the level you want to achieve; where she is 'yours'. Also, those awkward moments where you're wondering what she actually means/thinks will go away, poof. That'd clear out a whole lot of things. If she doesnt like you, she doesnt. Simple as that. You cant force her to. It's a win-win situation really.

Reply 45

Anonymous #1

Pretty Boy

Good friendship? conversation?

Dude, be real - at least to urself if not on here - you've got a hard-on for this girl. If she was ugly you wouldnt give a damn about her.

Take the plunge and take what u want.

Maybe you're right, maybe if she was genuinely not at all attractive then I wouldn't have fallen for her. But it's not actually all about that. Genuinely it's not (and I'm not being disingenuous here either). I'd rather have her as a friend than not see her at all/it always be awkward between us, and that's that.

Reply 46

Anonymous #1

Dream Theater

Stop being a pessimist and take it from the optimistic angle. It could take your relationship to the next level, the level you want to achieve; where she is 'yours'. Also, those awkward moments where you're wondering what she actually means/thinks will go away, poof. That'd clear out a whole lot of things. If she doesnt like you, she doesnt. Simple as that. You cant force her to. It's a win-win situation really.

Yeah but assuming for a minute she doesn't, then I am better off not saying anything surely? You know, I think you're right - deep down I know I should tell her. I really can't though at the moment. It'd seem pointless because I know what she'll say.

Reply 47

Misogynist

18

Not really. That's thinking about it in a completely negative way. That's his only hope if he actually wants to have a relationship with her. If he wants to just be friends with her he shouldnt be posting this at all. His entire aim is to possess her, IMO.

Reply 48

Anonymous #1

Hang on, sorry - both just sum up briefly (if you don't mind!) what exactly you think I should do. Because right now I'm tempted to stop myself going to see her, let her call me if she wants to talk, act slightly less interested, be friendly - but not obviously crazy about her.

Reply 49

Anonymous #1

Pretty Boy

p.s. fk writin a poem (are u male or not?)

Yeah ****, good point, no males write poetry... I almost forgot. Perhaps she appreciates such things? In fact, I know that she does. Anyway, thanks for the advice, but I think you're looking at it from a narrow angle. Never mind!

Reply 50

Misogynist

18

Anonymous

Hang on, sorry - both just sum up briefly (if you don't mind!) what exactly you think I should do. Because right now I'm tempted to stop myself going to see her, let her call me if she wants to talk, act slightly less interested, be friendly - but not obviously crazy about her.

You could do that, but it will certainly not induce a relationship. The only way you can do that is to constantly get her attention, make yourself seem like the person for her. In short, be attractive at almost all times. To do this you could either:
- Tell her your feelings
- Do it very indirectly.

The indirect way sometimes works, and is usually a very slow process. The Tell her your feelings way either works or not, it only has two possible outcomes and could possibly destroy your current friendship as it stands. The thing is, you want to be in a RELATIONSHIP with her, so at some point you HAVE to express your feelings for her. It'll either be now or at a later time when she's probably interested in someone else. It's a fight against time really and you have a choice to make. If I were you i'd plan and calculate and use the indirect way for a certain period of time and then express my feelings for her when I was having one of those 'staring-longer-than-usual moments' as you put it. Use those moments to your advantage.

Reply 51

Anonymous #1

Dream Theater

You could do that, but it will certainly not induce a relationship. The only way you can do that is to constantly get her attention, make yourself seem like the person for her. In short, be attractive at almost all times. To do this you could either:
- Tell her your feelings
- Do it very indirectly.

The indirect way sometimes works, and is usually a very slow process. The Tell her your feelings way either works or not, it only has two possible outcomes and could possibly destroy your current friendship as it stands. The thing is, you want to be in a RELATIONSHIP with her, so at some point you HAVE to express your feelings for her. It'll either be now or at a later time when she's probably interested in someone else. It's a fight against time really and you have a choice to make. If I were you i'd plan and calculate and use the indirect way for a certain period of time and then express my feelings for her when I was having one of those 'staring-longer-than-usual moments' as you put it. Use those moments to your advantage.

Yeah, you're right. That sounds sensible. Thanks a lot!

Reply 52

Misogynist

18

Also, has she made any signs of liking someone else? That'll be an important factor if you're using the above strategy.

Reply 53

Anonymous #1

Dream Theater

Also, has she made any signs of liking someone else? That'll be an important factor if you're using the above strategy.

She hasn't, no. But then she's always talking about potential people to her friend - but not anyone specific.

Reply 54

Misogynist

18

Anonymous

She hasn't, no. But then she's always talking about potential people to her friend - but not anyone specific.

Silly boy, that's an obvious sign she likes you..

Reply 55

Anonymous #1

Dream Theater

Silly boy, that's an obvious sign she likes you..

Yeah, you know, that's what it would appear to be. But she seems totally oblivious to me when she says that stuff. Never looks over to see how I react or anything. I genuinely strongly believe she simply doesn't even consider me that way.

Reply 56

starya

Anonymous

She hasn't, no. But then she's always talking about potential people to her friend - but not anyone specific.

Dream Theater

Silly boy, that's an obvious sign she likes you..

I'd agree. That's a very common girl thing to do. Hell.. I talk about 'potential people' to my boyfriend, or infront of him, just to see how he reacts. And, I don't need to look at him to notice how he reacts.

Reply 57

Anonymous #3

Omfg, Just Tell Her!!!

Reply 58

Anonymous #4

I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. shame it's 4 years old. you think they got married and had babies?

Hot and Cold

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