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Talking to parents about going against religion/culture

OK basically I have a big problem- I don't know if there are any on TSR but I am a Sikh, born into a Sikh family in England. Now I don't know if you know this but one of the rules of sikhism is that you are not allowed to cut your hair. My dad is quite into it , as is my brother (but at least I can talk to him). I, however, am really not. I had my time as an agnostic but now I DO believe in God but I feel it is a very personal relationship and don't agree with some of the religion. As a consequence, I also want to cut my hair as I do not feel it will damage my relationship with God, will be more practical for me (swimming, sport etc.) and is just something I want to do (I would also prefer my look, and I know that's superficial and is NOT the main reason I want to do it but I wan to be honest with all of you about every way I feel) as I do not see the harm. My brother keeps his hair and I respect him for that but its just not me. However I just CANNOT talk to my dad at all (I tried talking to my mum about it once but she kind of disregarded it I think). I am worried I may be disregarded from the family or he won't love me. I know in modern day practice its stupid but a lot of judgemental Indian culture is still rife and I don't want my mum and dad feeling bad or feeling ashamed when they talk to friends or whatever, but it really is something I need to do. i am going to university this year. If anyone could advise me on how to tell them, or what to say or if anyone has had a similar experience it would be very helpful. I really don't know what to do :frown:

Reply 1

I'm in a similar situation as you for marriage, but I'm Hindu. I'm Hindu in terms of culture but not religion. Well anyway I have to have an arranged marriage with a Hindu female that is of the same caste as me. But I don't mind at all, infact I sort of like the idea. So, back to you, why not just wear a head mask type of thing like ladies do and professional male swimmers in the pool?

Reply 2

Its not just about swimming mate, its the whole thing-i mean I don't see the point in doing something i don't truly believe in-I don't know if my parents want me to have an arranged marriage or not but I would NEVER condone to one purely as it goes against my personal beliefs and opinions (but then if people who do it believe in it then fair play to them)- Im a big romantic at heart, I wanna fall in love properly, I really think i will meet the right girl one day and it won't matter where shes from, who she is or anything as I'll just be totally in love with her ..........anyway back on topic.....anyone?

Reply 3

xelprep

Anonymous

Its not just about swimming mate, its the whole thing-i mean I don't see the point in doing something i don't truly believe in-I don't know if my parents want me to have an arranged marriage or not but I would NEVER condone to one purely as it goes against my personal beliefs and opinions (but then if people who do it believe in it then fair play to them)- Im a big romantic at heart, I wanna fall in love properly, I really think i will meet the right girl one day and it won't matter where shes from, who she is or anything as I'll just be totally in love with her ..........anyway back on topic.....anyone?

Wow it sounds like you really need to get things off your chest. So maybe it's best having a big sit down with your parents and telling them what you just said there? Your parents didn't raise you the right way obviously if they wanted you to adhere to the traditional way of life involved in your culture. I don't mean that in a negative or positive way I'm just saying that's the reason you feel like this - because you truly have "integrated" (so it seems).

Reply 4

Sabre

6

My personal beliefs about religion aside (as tempted as I am to view them). I think it is every persons right to choose their religion and how strictly they wish to follow it.

As religion is based on superstition and not common sense (although some principles of religion are very common sense) then it is only right that you shouldn't be forced to do something you don't want to.

It is only a natural evolution that people of other cultures will integrate into our own (as much as the government try to dissuade it).

Reply 5

kriztinae

14

what would happen if you just went out and did it? would ur dad get really angry? would he learn to accept it?

you could pretend it was an accident, it got burnt or someone cut it off as a joke if you want it that bad, and if you could fool your dad into believing you.

otherwise i know how hard it is in talking to your parents about things.
what does your brother say?
he could probably help you there since hes more open minded.
if you are too scared to talk abt it to ur dad straight away then try speaking to your mum and talk to her seriously about it, dont jus mention it in the hope of her reacting. explain to her like you're explaining it to us, convince her that its ok.

maybe you shouldnt necssarily tell them that u dont believe in the religion itself but tell them that it would just make life easier for you and you dont think god would punish you if you did cut your hair, he would understand....

if you manage to convince your mum and brother im sure they could help you talk to your dad

i hope that helps! :smile:

Reply 6

Tyler Durden

17

Hey, I'm not sure how helpful this is, but when I was in India I met a Sikh family and the father's generation (and above) didn't cut their hair, but he allowed his son to cut his hair for practical reasons. The son still observed other Sikh traditions, and the family regard themselves as Sikhs; for instance when I was there we all went to the temple at Amritsar. In terms of future employment (it shouldn't happen, but people are superficial) as well as for practical reasons, it might be better. I would suggest a calm and rational discussion with your parents in which you explain your views. Perhaps leave any "theological" side to the discussion to another time and focus on the practical issues and explain that there is more to being a Sikh than having long hair. Anyway, best of luck if you do try to talk to them about it - parents can be quite irrational when it comes to culture and religion (after all, they must perceive it as something which has come from them in a way).

Reply 7

xoxo_GossipGirl

11

I don't really understand your situation because I've never been through anything similar myself. All I can suggest is to sit down with your parents, possibly your mum first to get her on your side, and then tackle your dad together. You need to act adult about it to prove your adult enough to make your own decisions. Have it written down if you need to, all the reasons why you want to do what you're doing and put across the best possible argument you can. DONT start shouting or arguing if things don't go your way, stay as calm as you can. If things don't work out wait until you go to uni then just get it cut anyway, you'll be away for most of the time so won't be around your dad often. You have to stand up for what you believe =D

Reply 8

david cool

10

Well I am also a Sikh, born in the Uk. The parents in asain families are VERY old fashioned. Thank god for me my mother she was also born in the UK.Because at least she sees my point in any discusssion we have. Typical indian parents think there right and thats it. Which is a load of ***** of course. To answer your question I think your gonna have to say I am going to cut my hair and do IT !. Its going to be tough or maybe get a relative who has cut there hair to talk your parents? best way i found to ask your parents todo anything is to find someone who has already done it ! lol (btw I had my hair cut since I was like 6) good luck

Reply 9

Nuvi

if your parents are anything like mine, they're gonna think that they are right, no matter what you say! but you've just gotta sit them down and rationally explain how you feel and ask them to respect the decisions you want to make. perhaps talk to your brother first and get him on side? good luck with everything!

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

thanks for the replies everyone. Given me a fair bit to think about and some really useful advice. I think Im going to talk to them in the next week at some point (as on half term)- will let you know how it all goes- am quite scared I'll get kicked out but we'll see

Reply 11

icedout

1

Cut it or twist it into dreadlocks.

Talking to parents about going against religion/culture

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