Sexual Abuse and Sexuality Link [possible trigger]

I always assumed there wasn't much of a link between sexual abuse and sexuality because I figured that people who had been sexually abused would eventually [even if it took them a long time] realise that it wasn't all men/women that were like that, and even though it might have done before they came to terms with it, it eventually didn't let it affect their sexuality. But I'm not so sure anymore. The reason I say this is because I've been posting on another forum - it's a forum for self harmers and victims of bullying and abuse and things, a place they can reach out and get help - and someone started a thread in the abuse forum asking about sexual abuse and sexuality.

Forgive me for being sorta biased to one side but, all the people that posted on the thread are bisexual or gay girls that have been abused by men. A lot of them admitted that since their abuse they can't trust or stand to be around men and therefore avoid them and opt for women when it comes to trust and a relationship and sex.

Then there are others that believe they were gay anyway:

Personally my I was clear on my sexuality (Bi) and comfortable with it before my abuse happened, although i do think for awhile afterwards it did push me down the gay road slightly further while i regained my trust in men.

It has just confused me because, no straight girls have posted on there saying they were abused and they have managed to regain their trust in men. They just all seem like deeply hurt individuals whose sexual abuse has imprinted so much in their brains that it has ended up defining them as a person, and now determines who they pick as a partner :frown:

I guess what I'm trying to ask is has anyone ever seen this link before?? In themselves or a friend??

I know for a fact that people that have come out of sexual abuse do sometimes turn out straight as one of my friends has done so and is now in a happy and healthy relationship with her boyfriend, but I don't know - maybe the whole "turning gay after sexual abuse" thing is more common than I think! If it is, then it really upsets me that there are people out there that can do something so bad to a person sexually that it affects them for the rest of their lives, and puts a tinge across ALL men or women. :frown:

Reply 1

I think it does have an effect. In my case... not sure if abuse is the right word but there isn't a better one for what happened to me. It made me uncomfortable around men but not to the point where I became bi or gay. Just made me hate being touched by men in general til i was nearly 17 and had a boyfriend who adopted the strategy of touching me all the time but never in a sexual way so I got used to the fact that there was more to a relationship if that makes sense. Definitely made me feel bad about men though

Reply 2

I kow that my bisexuality came much more upfront after I was raped, but I have had straight relationships since then.

Reply 3

SilverWings

OP

14

Anonymous

I think it does have an effect. In my case... not sure if abuse is the right word but there isn't a better one for what happened to me. It made me uncomfortable around men but not to the point where I became bi or gay. Just made me hate being touched by men in general til i was nearly 17 and had a boyfriend who adopted the strategy of touching me all the time but never in a sexual way so I got used to the fact that there was more to a relationship if that makes sense. Definitely made me feel bad about men though

So maybe it's just the abilty of someone to cope with the feelings of being so uncomfortable around men that counts?? Because to me - and I don't mean ANY offense by this but - it sounds like some of the girls on the forum aren't even trying to regain their trust in the sex by which they were abused.

There was one post in particular that actually made me feel quite angry:

i was a virgin when raped, so i guess i was straight, at 16 a girl on a sleep over did things, so i thought i was les, then mom caught me, and i got a bf, so was straight for her, we broke up and i became bisexual, for the next 2 years thing were fine until a guy forced something while having sex. now i am lesbain again, and staying that way, i am happy, and no worries.

Now is it just me, or is that a very fickle attitude to sexuality?? :confused:

it sounds like she has let events and people [which yes, I agree were very VERY hard things to go through] define her. Which I feel it wrong. It just got me riled really...

Reply 4

stoney

12

this is not an issue of men or women, its an issue of sick sick individuals who are not in any way representative of the psychi men or women generally. i have knew of a guy who turned gay because he said he just couldnt trust women and felt he could not regain his trust in them but this wasnt because of physical abuse so i sort of can see where you're comming from with this and how people can be put off a gender.

Reply 5

SilverWings

OP

14

Anonymous

I kow that my bisexuality came much more upfront after I was raped, but I have had straight relationships since then.

And can I ask, have you also had gay relationships since then??

And if you have, which relationship was easiest for you?? Did you find it easier to have a gay relationship as the person who raped you was of the opposite sex, and the person you were in a relationship was of the same??

Do you still feel that way now, or have you managed to realise that not all people of the opposite sex are like that??

Reply 6

stoney

12

SW

it sounds like she has let events and people [which yes, I agree were very VERY hard things to go through] define her. Which I feel it wrong. It just got me riled really...

agreed if youre going to start changing who you are every time something bad happens then IMO your not really a very strong/mature person rape and abuse are terrible things but you have to stay strong, if you can switch it on and off like a tap then it may well be that the feelings someone has for the same sex after such an event may be false.

Reply 7

SilverWings

OP

14

stoney

this is not an issue of men or women, its an issue of sick sick individuals who are not in any way representative of the psychi men or women generally. i have knew of a guy who turned gay because he said he just couldnt trust women and felt he could not regain his trust in them but this wasnt because of physical abuse so i sort of can see where you're comming from with this and how people can be put off a gender.

Yeah well like I said in the original post, sorry for being biased towards the female side of things but, they are the only people that have posted on the other forum.

I know that sexual abuse does warp a persons representations of that gender, and I know that it's a hard thing to go through to regain trust in the gender of the people that raped you, but I just feel that these young girls on the other forum [some as young as about 13] are letting their sexual abuse define them way too soon after the abuse, before even properly coming to terms with it. That's all that worries me.

--------------

stoney

agreed if youre going to start changing who you are every time something bad happens then IMO your not really a very strong/mature person rape and abuse are terrible things but you have to stay strong, if you can switch it on and off like a tap then it may well be that the feelings someone has for the same sex after such an event may be false.

This is what I'm getting at. Say a girl was sexually abused with a man. Then, she can't trust men in general. So she gets with a girl.

Who's to say that she's only with that girl for the sake of NOT being with a guy?? Who's to say if she actually DOES have feelings for that girl or if she just picked her because it was easier than actually coming to terms with her abuse, going through councilling and coming out the other side a better person, with a proper view on sexuality.

Reply 8

stoney

12

SW

This is what I'm getting at. Say a girl was sexually abused with a man. Then, she can't trust men in general. So she gets with a girl.
Who's to say that she's only with that girl for the sake of NOT being with a guy?? Who's to say if she actually DOES have feelings for that girl or if she just picked her because it was easier than actually coming to terms with her abuse, going through councilling and coming out the other side a better person, with a proper view on sexuality.

I agree wholeheartedly

Reply 9

SW

And can I ask, have you also had gay relationships since then??

And if you have, which relationship was easiest for you?? Did you find it easier to have a gay relationship as the person who raped you was of the opposite sex, and the person you were in a relationship was of the same??

Do you still feel that way now, or have you managed to realise that not all people of the opposite sex are like that??

Yes, I've had straight and gay relationships since then. Both are different, so it's not easy to say which is easier. But I am more wary around men but this shows by me becoming more promiscuous, so that they can't rape me because I've already agreed to it. It makes sense in my head, but isn't a conscious thing.

I'm still not over it totally, so I don't know what I've realised. But there are men I've come to trust.

Reply 10

SilverWings

OP

14

Anonymous

Yes, I've had straight and gay relationships since then. Both are different, so it's not easy to say which is easier. But I am more wary around men but this shows by me becoming more promiscuous, so that they can't rape me because I've already agreed to it. It makes sense in my head, but isn't a conscious thing.

I'm still not over it totally, so I don't know what I've realised. But there are men I've come to trust.

So you're kind of protecting yourself against men by sleeping with them straight away, so that they don't have any reason to abuse you sexually as you're open and 'wanting' it??

In other words your waryness around men has ended up taking you the opposite way to what seems natural. Rather than defending yourself by not letting a man touch you, you're defending yourself by letting them, so that it can never be rape. Because not letting them touch you won't work if they're stronger than you. Giving consent will.

I've never actually thought of it in that way either - I suppose in a way it is a very logical defense mechanism, just not one that I thought about :frown:

I just think that it's so sad that people do these things to people that have such an effect on them emotionally, sexually, physically and mentally that they never quite look at people the same way again :frown:

Reply 11

SW

So you're kind of protecting yourself against men by sleeping with them straight away, so that they don't have any reason to abuse you sexually as you're open and 'wanting' it??

In other words your waryness around men has ended up taking you the opposite way to what seems natural. Rather than defending yourself by not letting a man touch you, you're defending yourself by letting them, so that it can never be rape. Because not letting them touch you won't work if they're stronger than you. Giving consent will.

I've never actually thought of it in that way either - I suppose in a way it is a very logical defense mechanism, just not one that I thought about :frown:

I just think that it's so sad that people do these things to people that have such an effect on them emotionally, sexually, physically and mentally that they never quite look at people the same way again :frown:

It does make sense, but only in a crazy kind of way.

Reply 12

My friend was raped when she was about 12 (she doesn't know I know hence the anonymous user because mutual friends use this site!) and is now a lesbian. She took a long time to tell anyone about the rape and it did effect her emotionally for a long time after (self-harming for a number of years). I've always wondered about this theory too....but it could just be purely coincidental. Anyways, just thought I'd add my "two cents".

Reply 13

SilverWings

OP

14

Anonymous

My friend was raped when she was about 12 (she doesn't know I know hence the anonymous user because mutual friends use this site!) and is now a lesbian. She took a long time to tell anyone about the rape and it did effect her emotionally for a long time after (self-harming for a number of years). I've always wondered about this theory too....but it could just be purely coincidental. Anyways, just thought I'd add my "two cents".

Well now I come to think about it - my friend [not in touch with her so much now] was raped when she was about 12, and then again by a seperate person when she was bout 14.

She was my ex girlfriend [therefore she was lesbian, of course] - and she did always say about how she would always have the thought in the back of her mind that if she wasn't raped at such a young age, she may well be with a guy.

We ended up splitting up because I ended up getting angry at her for a lot of reasons, one of which was her saying "I'd be with a guy if only I could trust them"

Maybe my personal views and experiences with sexual abuse victims, along with the thread on the other site, has warped my view of this subject but I don't think so - I think sexual abuse can have that big influence on you.

Reply 14

i think all serial convicted rapists should be chemically castrated...its ****ing disgusting...im posting this anon becuase its something i say a lot ...so people might recognise its me

anyway....i know i know..its not exactly fair of human rights....but god..i just have such anger for people like that...

nb this is peope who have tonnes of dna evidence agsint them etc etc

****ing pigs

Reply 15

Xanthe

1

Interesting discussion. I knew someone in the same situation. She was raped by her uncle when she was about 14 and it took her some time to trust men again. She did eventually have a boyfriend at the age of 16, but a couple of years later she decided to have a girlfriend. She's quite open about her sexuality (she's a lesbian now) but I wonder whether being abused by her uncle may have had something to do with her re-considering her sexuality...it's difficult to say. May be she doesn't know herself.

Reply 16

I was never that into sex, but after being raped 18 months ago i really don't want it at all.

I do like men, i enjoy their company and fancy a fair few of them. but the thought of sex is repulsive.

I occasionally fancy women, but that had always been the case.

on a side note, my mum told me that she married quite young because she craved some security and a stable home after being abused by her mums boyfriend.

not nice.

Reply 17

This is interesting, I was sexually abused by my uncle when I was really young, I have never had a boyfriend or shown any interest in having one but I know that I am definitely not gay. No point to this post really, just to say that abuse doesn't affect everyone's sexuality

Reply 18

Ive been abused, but it really hasnt affected my sexuality or trust in men at all, n fact it was seeing a decent guy that made me stop the abusee.

Reply 19

An older relative in my family was sexually abused by her uncle for many many years and, as a result, she has never been with anyone (male or female) for her entire life. That level of mistrust is something i am trying hard, but essentially failing, to comprehend.

Sexual Abuse and Sexuality Link [possible trigger]

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