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Very lonely at university
I was so looking forward to coming to uni, enjoying my course and hopefully meeting some nice people but unfortunately for me it has turned into the most miserable time of my life. The problem is that I haven't made any friends at all. I live at home, and need to travel for about 1 hour to get there so this means there's severe restriction on any nights out since I have to be back on time for the train, plus I dont like the thought of travelling alone at night.
This coupled with the fact that I only have about 5 contact hours a week means I spend most of my time on my own. The people I have met seem really nice, and we do manage v. short conversations while waiting for a lecture to start but that's it,they all go off to their halls together afterwards and I feel so left out. I'm not a naturally pushy person, so I wont impose myself on them by asking if I could join them for lunch or anywhere else, although I do accept if they offer, which isnt that often now everyone's into their own groups. I feel so upset everytime my lectures end and I have to go home/library all alone, since I do enjoy other people's company and now all my confidence and enjoyment of life has disappeared.
I really miss the times when I used to have friends I could rely on and go to places with, but most have moved away and we only see each other during the rare visits to the cinema. I have joined a couple of societies and enjoy going out to places, and although London's great it isnt all that fun going to places alone. Since I dont have anyone to go with I also miss society events because I've lost my confidence and I have a fear of ending up on my own there. I'm feeling so awful and I just dont know what to do to make it better. I'm not going to drop out because I love my course and I've worked really hard for my grades, but the thought of another 2 years like this depresses me even further.
I'm kinda starting to think there must be something wrong with me, the fact that I can't seem to interact with others in a much deeper level and actually get to know them properly. It seems no-one else has this problem and they all have their trusted friendship groups by now, so it's even a bit too late to make friends with them. Still, it is such a shock to experience this now,when I imagined it to be so great and I've never had such a problem before.
I just needed to get that out of my system.
Any thoughts greatly appreciated.
This coupled with the fact that I only have about 5 contact hours a week means I spend most of my time on my own. The people I have met seem really nice, and we do manage v. short conversations while waiting for a lecture to start but that's it,they all go off to their halls together afterwards and I feel so left out. I'm not a naturally pushy person, so I wont impose myself on them by asking if I could join them for lunch or anywhere else, although I do accept if they offer, which isnt that often now everyone's into their own groups. I feel so upset everytime my lectures end and I have to go home/library all alone, since I do enjoy other people's company and now all my confidence and enjoyment of life has disappeared.
I really miss the times when I used to have friends I could rely on and go to places with, but most have moved away and we only see each other during the rare visits to the cinema. I have joined a couple of societies and enjoy going out to places, and although London's great it isnt all that fun going to places alone. Since I dont have anyone to go with I also miss society events because I've lost my confidence and I have a fear of ending up on my own there. I'm feeling so awful and I just dont know what to do to make it better. I'm not going to drop out because I love my course and I've worked really hard for my grades, but the thought of another 2 years like this depresses me even further.
I'm kinda starting to think there must be something wrong with me, the fact that I can't seem to interact with others in a much deeper level and actually get to know them properly. It seems no-one else has this problem and they all have their trusted friendship groups by now, so it's even a bit too late to make friends with them. Still, it is such a shock to experience this now,when I imagined it to be so great and I've never had such a problem before.
I just needed to get that out of my system.
Any thoughts greatly appreciated.Scroll to see replies
Reply 1
Maybe you should suggest a night out, for you and the people you say you enjoy brief conversations with. Choose somewhere closer to your home so you don't have the restrictions of getting back. Also, relax those restrictions a little - i often travel an hour away from home on a night out and make my way back at 2:00am (as you are in London there are sooo many night buses - all of which i have ever been on are quite full even at that time). Instead of waiting for them to invite you to their lunches etc. perhaps take the initiative and suggest lunch/coffee/cinema. It must be hard living at home as the making friends process is more delayed than everyone else...
As for societies, don't let the confidence decrease stop you from going to events (even if it is alone) as this will make it even lower in the long term. The next time you think 'no i can't' to an event, make yourself go, you might surprise yourself. Or, and this is my final suggestion, i promise, you could find out about other people on your course/other courses that are living at home. These people will possibly be feeling as you are, you just need to find eachother! lol. I'm quite a shy person and terribly unassertive but recently i've told myself to just go for it - it really does work. Open your body language and people tend to respond, suggest meetings and people tend to accept - or failing the subtleties, speak to the few people you mentioned about how you are feeling, maybe they are unaware that you feel isolated?
As for societies, don't let the confidence decrease stop you from going to events (even if it is alone) as this will make it even lower in the long term. The next time you think 'no i can't' to an event, make yourself go, you might surprise yourself. Or, and this is my final suggestion, i promise, you could find out about other people on your course/other courses that are living at home. These people will possibly be feeling as you are, you just need to find eachother! lol. I'm quite a shy person and terribly unassertive but recently i've told myself to just go for it - it really does work. Open your body language and people tend to respond, suggest meetings and people tend to accept - or failing the subtleties, speak to the few people you mentioned about how you are feeling, maybe they are unaware that you feel isolated?
Reply 2
I live at home and commute to uni on the bus. At first I found it REALLY hard, because everyone had made friends in their halls. I was seriously going to drop out, but I started talking to people on my course and found out they all didn't live in halls. Some lived in houses, because their accomodation had not been sorted out and some also were in the same position as me. I also joined societies and I met people who were in the same situation as me. You are definetly doing the right thing joining the societies. Try and make conversation with your course friends. We all organised a course night out and it was really fun! It will work out for you - it may seem too late to make friends, but it isn't. I am still making friends now. I found it really hard because all my college friends had gone to university - but now I am much closer with my work friends. Join a club outside university or get a job or something. You don't have to suffer alone. If you want a chat just PM me, i know what you are going through. Also, try and stay round someones flat/house when you go out for nights out, that way you can appreciate the whole night out.
Hope this helps.
Vic
xoxox
Hope this helps.
Vic
xoxox
Reply 3
which london uni are you at?
Reply 4
I agree with the above posters - I'm sure there are other people in the same boat as you who commute in. You only need one friend - maybe you're hoping for a group of friends but one friend is all you need to begin with, and it takes a while to build a friendship. Try and talk to the person you identify about something unrelated to the course and see how you get on, that way they'll know you're not just making small talk. Maybe even "confiding" in them (about something not too personal) and see if they approach you the next day to continue the discussion..
I think you should just try and join halls myself, it would solve your problems - from what youve said i can tell you meet friends well but you just dont have the oppourtunity to extend the friendship into a strong one.
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Do you do history by any chance, those contact times are lowww.
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Do you do history by any chance, those contact times are lowww.
Elipsis
I think you should just try and join halls myself, it would solve your problems - from what youve said i can tell you meet friends well but you just dont have the oppourtunity to extend the friendship into a strong one.
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Do you do history by any chance, those contact times are lowww.
--------------
Do you do history by any chance, those contact times are lowww.
Um, I'm in halls, and it hasn't helped me at all. In fact basically everyone on my floor ignores me.
Reply 9
Anonymous
It seems no-one else has this problem and they all have their trusted friendship groups by now, so it's even a bit too late to make friends with them. Still, it is such a shock to experience this now,when I imagined it to be so great and I've never had such a problem before.
I bet loads of people are lonely, some more than others, try not to let it get you down, if you wake up and be willing to take pleasure in the things you do then it makes light of all situations. It's a nasty circle of thoughts with constant pondering
, you could try talking to more people say in the student union? I'm doing a science subject so I regulary talk to my colleagues about work, it's useful and everyone gets something out of it if we all participate. If you want to go to the cinema go and ask your classmates if they are interested, also ask what are their plans, so maybe you could join in sometimes.Also, there are like minded people out there, not always quick to find, but the chances are there'll be quite a few in your vincinity. Take care and smile a bit everyday
.Solution- Get a car. This is the only way I can think of that you can go out pubbing/clubbing with your uni mates due to the 1 hour distance. Also this means you sacrifice drinking because your driving and its a long way to go so only do it if your sure you can't make friends at home.
I mean its not like you can get a taxi if your going out with them once a week (or maybe even twice a week).
Only other thing I can think of is try to do all your socialising on the uni campus meaning you can do it after your lectures etc. Also your going to have to be more forthcoming about wanting to spend time with them. You can still even meet girls etc at uni campus during the day at the uni common room or bar area, although i've never done this cos I go out clubbing/ go to uni bar at night for events instead.
For example I didn't ask to go out clubbing with this really cool guy I knew in halls even though my flatmates were pretty boring compared to him. But then one day I asked him and now we get on really well because we go out clubbing together and have fun.
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Everyone on my floor ignores me too (apart from the first few weeks of everyones friends with everyone).
I was a bit sad at first but then I realised I knew more interesting people than them in other parts of halls. So I realised instead of worrying about some boring sods on my floor that were anti-social I could spend time with people from other parts of halls that were more interesting and more social.
I think the reason there are so many anti-socialites at my uni halls is because i'm at a technology campus.
edit: Just noticed your doing an Archaeology course, that might explain why there are so many anti-social people in your halls if they are doing similar courses (Ross Gellar from Friends springs to mind
)
Try meeting new people in halls, you'll soon forget about the anti-social people on your floor.
I mean its not like you can get a taxi if your going out with them once a week (or maybe even twice a week).
Only other thing I can think of is try to do all your socialising on the uni campus meaning you can do it after your lectures etc. Also your going to have to be more forthcoming about wanting to spend time with them. You can still even meet girls etc at uni campus during the day at the uni common room or bar area, although i've never done this cos I go out clubbing/ go to uni bar at night for events instead.
For example I didn't ask to go out clubbing with this really cool guy I knew in halls even though my flatmates were pretty boring compared to him. But then one day I asked him and now we get on really well because we go out clubbing together and have fun.
--------------
Nysh
Um, I'm in halls, and it hasn't helped me at all. In fact basically everyone on my floor ignores me.
Everyone on my floor ignores me too (apart from the first few weeks of everyones friends with everyone).
I was a bit sad at first but then I realised I knew more interesting people than them in other parts of halls. So I realised instead of worrying about some boring sods on my floor that were anti-social I could spend time with people from other parts of halls that were more interesting and more social.
I think the reason there are so many anti-socialites at my uni halls is because i'm at a technology campus.
edit: Just noticed your doing an Archaeology course, that might explain why there are so many anti-social people in your halls if they are doing similar courses (Ross Gellar from Friends springs to mind
)Try meeting new people in halls, you'll soon forget about the anti-social people on your floor.
Sabre
Everyone on my floor ignores me too (apart from the first few weeks of everyones friends with everyone).
I was a bit sad at first but then I realised I knew more interesting people than them in other parts of halls. So I realised instead of worrying about some boring sods on my floor that were anti-social I could spend time with people from other parts of halls that were more interesting and more social.
I think the reason there are so many anti-socialites at my uni halls is because i'm at a technology campus.
edit: Just noticed your doing an Archaeology course, that might explain why there are so many anti-social people in your halls if they are doing similar courses (Ross Gellar from Friends springs to mind )
Try meeting new people in halls, you'll soon forget about the anti-social people on your floor.
I was a bit sad at first but then I realised I knew more interesting people than them in other parts of halls. So I realised instead of worrying about some boring sods on my floor that were anti-social I could spend time with people from other parts of halls that were more interesting and more social.
I think the reason there are so many anti-socialites at my uni halls is because i'm at a technology campus.
edit: Just noticed your doing an Archaeology course, that might explain why there are so many anti-social people in your halls if they are doing similar courses (Ross Gellar from Friends springs to mind
)Try meeting new people in halls, you'll soon forget about the anti-social people on your floor.
I have. I met people from the floor above. My situation is different. I like people who are less social. But the people in my halls are, well, very friendly and "cool", per se. I'm not. I can't talk to them, so I've become a loner.
Anyway I'm going to stop hogging this thread. It's not mine.
Nysh
I have. I met people from the floor above. My situation is different. I like people who are less social. But the people in my halls are, well, very friendly and "cool", per se. I'm not. I can't talk to them, so I've become a loner.
Nysh
I have. I met people from the floor above. My situation is different. I like people who are less social. But the people in my halls are, well, very friendly and "cool", per se. I'm not. I can't talk to them, so I've become a loner.
Anyway I'm going to stop hogging this thread. It's not mine.
Anyway I'm going to stop hogging this thread. It's not mine.
If you want to talk about it my MSN addy is in my profile, I was very anti-social like you once so I might be able to give you some advice.
Although this isn't your thread I'll just say one thing- Try and find people with similar interests to yourself as this is what most friendships are based on.
Meeting people from the floor above doesn't count as having looked around, i've got no good friends in my whole house but I have good friends in other houses.
Reply 14
Nysh
Um, I'm in halls, and it hasn't helped me at all. In fact basically everyone on my floor ignores me.
I'm somewhere close to where your uni is. Anyway, I actually think living in halls would have been so much better, and I seriously regret it now. Most people socialise after hours, and very few people on the course have made friends with each other, apart from those who live nearby and can freely see each other after lectures and stuff. I do think I am a friendly person, it's not like I just sit there alone ignoring everyone, but it never seems to go past polite how are you's and the like.
I suppose I havent tried everything everyone's mentioned in this thread (thanks for the replies by the way). I mean I can't realistically get a car (congestion charge, insurance etc. I might as well rent a flat in central London). And I don't feel comfortable with asking others if I could join them when they do stuff, I kinda think if they wanted me there they would have asked me. But I suppose I should change my way of thinking, be more assertive and not tiptoe around others all the time.
Oh, and I hope things improve if you're feeling the same way, particularly Nysh and Ferrus.
Reply 15
Aw i can totally empathise with you. I'm sure it'll get better and I hope you feel better Join societies, that's my advice!
Join societies, that's my advice!Reply 16
Anonymous
Anyway, I actually think living in halls would have been so much better, and I seriously regret it now.
I thought that every day for like the first two months but then again I thought about all the responsibilty I would have, (i am a lazy person, lol), the debt I would have at the end of it all, and what I would do if I didn't get on with one of my flat mates. All of it has it's pro's and con's I guess. But please do not worry about it - there is light at the end of the tunnel somewhere!
I hope everything gets better for everyone!
Reply 17
I really understand being in the same situation. i go to University Of East Anglia, Norwich but i live an hour away in rural North Norfolk and drive in every day. I was supposed to live in but pulled out a couple of days before the move in date. so as well as feeling extremely lonely and depressed, i had many feelings of regret. But i have now found a group of people on my course who commmute and we spend loads of time together, so find people like you while trying to make mates with people on campus (I have now made a few mates on campus to). I do understand your situation and i suppose mine is better in that most of my college friends (my boyf and bes friends) are still at home. it is hard, but dont think depressed, think I CAN MAKE FRIENDS AND BE HAPPY, good luck xxx
Reply 18
i kinda understand how you feel, except i lived in halls last year. but apart from the two girls i live with i don't know anyone. it can be a pretty lonely place. especially cos one girl spends most of her time at home. so i just spend a lot of time on my own in my room.
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