The great UK v US joke-off Watch

Andythepiano
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#1
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There have been a number of recent threads in which TSR members from the UK and the US just end up ****ging each other off. While some may consider it fun, it's ultimately negative and doesn't serve much purpose.

So, let's try and settle our differences with jokes - who can tell the best jokes - about each other's country. Keep it clean guys, it would be a shame for it to descend into more insults

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Donald Rumsfeld briefed President Bush. He told him that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face.

Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
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Joe64
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I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
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Andythepiano
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Two Rednecks are sittin' in a boat on the lake fishing and suckin' down beers when all of a sudden Woody says, "I think I'm goin' to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."
Bubba slowly sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
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afromansmate
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At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Señor Humphrey? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"
"Sí, that's the one."
"Darn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating 'la carne putrificada.'"
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, senor. He ate the meat of the 'caballo muerto.'"
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky."
"Mr. Lucky! My horse that won the Preakness a few years back?"
"Sí."
"How did he die?"
"He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the 'incendio.'" "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your 'hacienda'! A candle fell, and the curtains caught on fire."
"What!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"FUNERAL? WHAT FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue, and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
*SILENCE*
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're fired!"
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Rooster523
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Me: I don't understand why you Americans are so arrogant, you're all dumb as poles. I doubt one person in all of your 51 states has any intelligence.
American: There's only 50 states you idiot!
Me: What about Pearl Harbour?
American: HAHAHAH Pearl Harbour's not a state.
Me: Well it was a state when the Japanese had finished with it.

*bar fight ensues*
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Andythepiano
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A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rIgged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged.
My wife won twice last week."
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Andythepiano
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This young american guy is out on his first skiing holiday and decides he wants to have a go at the ski jump.
So off he goes to the first one he can find, and asks how much. "£100 to Americans but only £25 to anyone else", he's told "I'm not paying that, that's discrimination" he said (ed note. big word there).
So off trots our hero (?) to the next ski slope and is told the price is £10 per person except Americans who are charged £150. The guy is pretty pissed off, leaves and travels to the third, expecting the same but determined to have one last go at finding a non-discriminating slope. He gets to the slope and it told it will cost him only £5 but everyone else £250. "Hotdigitydog this can't be bad" the young American thought.
So he gets into all his gear, climbs to the top of the slope and pushes off. The wind is whipping in his hair as he thunders down the slope, gaining in speed all the time. He flies off the end of the slope only to hear somebody yell 'PULL'
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afromansmate
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Alabama:
15 million people,
15 surnames
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ifstatement
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Haha these are brilliant
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WhiteSlice14
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En ce moment, us Brits are totally crushing the Americans
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VitaminQuartet
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The Republican party is one big American joke:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WW_nDFKAmCo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uvmKnFY4uk
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Computerised
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I thought the title was "The great UK v US jack-off"

I was like "hmm I knew Britain is gay with America but getting together and bashing one out over each other is a bit too far"
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LawYah
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our prime minister outlived ur president during WW2, We're obviously well 'arder.
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Existentialistic
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Not a made up joke:

Bush meets Charlotte Church

Bush: "Where are you from?"
Church: "Wales"
Bush: "So which state is Wales in?"


Another great Bush quote: "It's clearly a budget, it has a lot of numbers in it"
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james22
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(Original post by tehFrance)
Please tell me you are joking as if you are not then :rofl: still if you are though :rofl: so both ways you come out bi-winning
Well done, you saw the punch-line.
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rforastiero
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(Original post by Andythepiano)
This young american guy is out on his first skiing holiday and decides he wants to have a go at the ski jump.
So off he goes to the first one he can find, and asks how much. "£100 to Americans but only £25 to anyone else", he's told "I'm not paying that, that's discrimination" he said (ed note. big word there).
So off trots our hero (?) to the next ski slope and is told the price is £10 per person except Americans who are charged £150. The guy is pretty pissed off, leaves and travels to the third, expecting the same but determined to have one last go at finding a non-discriminating slope. He gets to the slope and it told it will cost him only £5 but everyone else £250. "Hotdigitydog this can't be bad" the young American thought.
So he gets into all his gear, climbs to the top of the slope and pushes off. The wind is whipping in his hair as he thunders down the slope, gaining in speed all the time. He flies off the end of the slope only to hear somebody yell 'PULL'
I don't get it, sorry forgive my lack of common sense
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Andythepiano
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(Original post by rforastiero)
I don't get it, sorry forgive my lack of common sense
clue: clay pigeon shooting
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rforastiero
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(Original post by Andythepiano)
clue: clay pigeon shooting
Ahh thanks man
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Kenny_uk
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(Original post by Andythepiano)
This young american guy is out on his first skiing holiday and decides he wants to have a go at the ski jump.
So off he goes to the first one he can find, and asks how much. "£100 to Americans but only £25 to anyone else", he's told "I'm not paying that, that's discrimination" he said (ed note. big word there).
So off trots our hero (?) to the next ski slope and is told the price is £10 per person except Americans who are charged £150. The guy is pretty pissed off, leaves and travels to the third, expecting the same but determined to have one last go at finding a non-discriminating slope. He gets to the slope and it told it will cost him only £5 but everyone else £250. "Hotdigitydog this can't be bad" the young American thought.
So he gets into all his gear, climbs to the top of the slope and pushes off. The wind is whipping in his hair as he thunders down the slope, gaining in speed all the time. He flies off the end of the slope only to hear somebody yell 'PULL'
Easily my favourite!
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cid
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I dunno self depreciating humour isn't the Americans strong point, this could just end up offending.
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