Turn on thread page Beta

My girlfriend mother died yesterday from cancer. A few questions. watch

    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    My girlfriends mum passed away yesterday from cancer which had spread throughout her entire body. I knew her mum quite well and I am very upset about it, as of course is my girlfriend.
    It started out as a soft tissue sarcoma which spread to her lungs, and then her entire body.

    Two days before 'the end', all of her edema in her ankles suddenly dissapeared and she started acting very stragely. She started tugging on the curtains from her bed etc. The following day she did not wake up from her sleep. My girlfriend and her family went to say their last goodbyes and 30 minutes after my girlfriend said her goodbye, her mum died.

    I have three questions.

    Why did her edema suddenly dissapear? I'm guessing kidney failiure but I'm not sure...if I'm right, where did all the fluid go?

    Why was she acting strangely and tugging on the curtains? The only explanation I can think of was she was having scary hallucinations, but that is almost too painful to imagine, she must have felt so scared and alone :'(.

    When she didn't wake up from her sleep but was still sleeping, was it a coma or just sleep? Do you think she heard the 'last goodbyes'? And then allowed herself to go? Was this a concious or unconcious thing?

    I'm just hoping that her mum finally found peace at the end. She was so scared of dying and fought so hard. I hope she came to accept it, and found peace before she died. Right up until she started to lose the ability to speak properly, she was in distress trying to talk and cry but couldn't; the most awful thing to hear. But at least she was asleep when she died, or at least I hope she was 'properly' sleeping and not just disabled from pain or something.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by jermay88)
    My girlfriends mum passed away yesterday from cancer which had spread throughout her entire body. I knew her mum quite well and I am very upset about it, as of course is my girlfriend.
    It started out as a soft tissue sarcoma which spread to her lungs, and then her entire body.

    Two days before 'the end', all of her edema in her ankles suddenly dissapeared and she started acting very stragely. She started tugging on the curtains from her bed etc. The following day she did not wake up from her sleep. My girlfriend and her family went to say their last goodbyes and 30 minutes after my girlfriend said her goodbye, her mum died.

    I have three questions.

    Why did her edema suddenly dissapear? I'm guessing kidney failiure but I'm not sure...if I'm right, where did all the fluid go?

    Why was she acting strangely and tugging on the curtains? The only explanation I can think of was she was having scary hallucinations, but that is almost too painful to imagine, she must have felt so scared and alone :'(.

    When she didn't wake up from her sleep but was still sleeping, was it a coma or just sleep? Do you think she heard the 'last goodbyes'? And then allowed herself to go? Was this a concious or unconcious thing?

    I'm just hoping that her mum finally found peace at the end. She was so scared of dying and fought so hard. I hope she came to accept it, and found peace before she died. Right up until she started to lose the ability to speak properly, she was in distress trying to talk and cry but couldn't; the most awful thing to hear. But at least she was asleep when she died, or at least I hope she was 'properly' sleeping and not just disabled from pain or something.
    I'm sorry for your and your girlfriends loss.
    As I am not a doctor I cannot say why the swelling would have disappeared from her ankle.

    But as for the 'acting strangely' part I can just repeat what the doctors told us when my grandad was dying. He explained that towards the end the body is slowly shutting down and can cause delirium. Disease and medication can also contribute to this.

    They do say that hearing is the last sense to go, so it is very likely she would have heard the last goodbyes.

    There is a lot of information on the internet regarding the process of dying which may help you make sense of what happened and hopefully answer your questions.

    If you would like to talk to someone you can ring macmillan who provide support for families who have lost someone to cancer. They are very experienced in palliative care and bereavement and will be able to provide you with the answers and support that you and your girlfriend need.

    http://www.macmillan.org.uk/HowWeCan...reavement.aspx

    I would highly recommend giving macmillan a call, they were a wonderful support to my grandparents during their fight with cancer and a great support to the family when they passed.

    Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

    All the best x
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by jermay88)
    My girlfriends mum passed away yesterday from cancer which had spread throughout her entire body. I knew her mum quite well and I am very upset about it, as of course is my girlfriend.
    It started out as a soft tissue sarcoma which spread to her lungs, and then her entire body.

    Two days before 'the end', all of her edema in her ankles suddenly dissapeared and she started acting very stragely. She started tugging on the curtains from her bed etc. The following day she did not wake up from her sleep. My girlfriend and her family went to say their last goodbyes and 30 minutes after my girlfriend said her goodbye, her mum died.

    I have three questions.

    Why did her edema suddenly dissapear? I'm guessing kidney failiure but I'm not sure...if I'm right, where did all the fluid go?

    Why was she acting strangely and tugging on the curtains? The only explanation I can think of was she was having scary hallucinations, but that is almost too painful to imagine, she must have felt so scared and alone :'(.

    When she didn't wake up from her sleep but was still sleeping, was it a coma or just sleep? Do you think she heard the 'last goodbyes'? And then allowed herself to go? Was this a concious or unconcious thing?

    I'm just hoping that her mum finally found peace at the end. She was so scared of dying and fought so hard. I hope she came to accept it, and found peace before she died. Right up until she started to lose the ability to speak properly, she was in distress trying to talk and cry but couldn't; the most awful thing to hear. But at least she was asleep when she died, or at least I hope she was 'properly' sleeping and not just disabled from pain or something.
    Firstly, you all have my utmost sympathy.
    My mum died from cancer when I was 14, so hopefully I can answer some of your questions.

    I can't really help with the first one, sorry. It's likely that it was kidney failure - the fluid usually goes around the stomach making it look bloated.

    It sounds like a hallucination - don't dwell on it too much - but know that not all hallucinations are scary, they're weird, very weird but by removing the curtains it probably made her feel better.

    She was probably in a 'coma' of sorts, but a coma is really just a very very deep sleep. Hearing is the last sense to go during the process and as she seemed to hold on for the goodbyes I'd say there was a strong chance she heard all of it. My mum was in a coma for 3 days before she died, I think until mid way through the second day she could hear us. So as your girlfriends mother was only in the sleep state for about a day I'd say yes. She could hear everything and it probably comforted her greatly.

    I wish you, your girlfriend and her family all the best.
    It really hurts, but it does get better.
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    I am so sorry for you loss, I can't help much with your questions but I lost my dad to cancer in the summer so I know how you guys are feeling. Your girlfriend is really lucky to have you by her side, my boyfriend was a huge support to me. I really hope things get better for you.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by jermay88)
    My girlfriends mum passed away yesterday from cancer which had spread throughout her entire body. I knew her mum quite well and I am very upset about it, as of course is my girlfriend.
    It started out as a soft tissue sarcoma which spread to her lungs, and then her entire body.

    Two days before 'the end', all of her edema in her ankles suddenly dissapeared and she started acting very stragely. She started tugging on the curtains from her bed etc. The following day she did not wake up from her sleep. My girlfriend and her family went to say their last goodbyes and 30 minutes after my girlfriend said her goodbye, her mum died.

    I have three questions.

    Why did her edema suddenly dissapear? I'm guessing kidney failiure but I'm not sure...if I'm right, where did all the fluid go?

    Why was she acting strangely and tugging on the curtains? The only explanation I can think of was she was having scary hallucinations, but that is almost too painful to imagine, she must have felt so scared and alone :'(.

    When she didn't wake up from her sleep but was still sleeping, was it a coma or just sleep? Do you think she heard the 'last goodbyes'? And then allowed herself to go? Was this a concious or unconcious thing?

    I'm just hoping that her mum finally found peace at the end. She was so scared of dying and fought so hard. I hope she came to accept it, and found peace before she died. Right up until she started to lose the ability to speak properly, she was in distress trying to talk and cry but couldn't; the most awful thing to hear. But at least she was asleep when she died, or at least I hope she was 'properly' sleeping and not just disabled from pain or something.
    hey, my boyfriends mum died of cancer a little over a year ago (we had been together for almost 4 years when this happened)
    i know exactly how you feel, you really need to stop dwelling on how she was in the days leading on to death, its never pretty or amazingly peaceful, im sure she would of wanted everyone to remember her when she was relatively healthy rather than worrying about how she died.
    Whether or not she heard your goodbyes doesnt matter, she died knowing she was dearly loved and you all got to say goodbye in your own ways and thats all that matters.
    if you need someone to talk to Pm me x
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    Thankyou for your replies.
    Last night my girlfriend found a box in her mothers bedroom and opened it. It was a music box her mum had had since she was a baby and it made her cry...and it also made me cry hearing of it. I guess this is all part of the grieving process for her. I feel so proud of her for being strong.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: November 30, 2011
Poll
Who do you think it's more helpful to talk about mental health with?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.