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Need advice on a struggling relationship watch

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    My girlfriend and I have been together for a year now and I am beginning to question whether or not I should keep going with our relationship. I do not want to lead her on but at the same time I am scared about what will happen to her if I abandon her. Early on in our relationship I had made some grand promises to her, that I would always be there for her and even that I would marry her, I understand that it was very foolish of me but at the time I did believe in my promises and I wanted to assure her that I want to take care of her and bring her happiness. She meant so much to me.

    Her parents are divorced and her mother had been abuse to her, the mother has a mental illness but manages to evade psychiatrists. In the end it resulted in my girlfriend having serious trust and attachment issues. I thought I could be the one who would take care of her and help her get better, to learn to trust in others again. Her self esteem has gotten better but it is all very dependent on me keeping my promise to her, if she sees that I too will abandon her she will lose all faith. She has even made threats that she will kill herself if I am no longer in her life. I do not know if these are serious or just fueled by emotion, but a part of me thinks she may actually do it.

    I care about her but in a way that is more like pity than love. I do not want her to suffer but it wears me down to be with her. Sometimes I cannot bear it anymore and end up in this psychological games with her because I hate how she idealizes me and how naive some of her views are. She tries so hard to please me but in ways that I take no pleasure from, which may be my own fault but I cannot help it; she would buy me things I do not need or take time off work to be with me, but I do not want these things. She does them whenever she feels that I am upset with her, I have come to see them as bribes of sorts. That if she does these things I am supposed to forgive her.

    There is something I lack in our relationship, perhaps it is a common interest and trust, and I do not know if things will get better with time or if I would grow more unhappy. I am also uncertain if it is me or her who has to change their views, perhaps I am too self-absorbed and should improve, to have more control over myself instead of abusing her mentally and hoping she will ask me to leave, I feel like I cannot leave her myself.

    She rarely initiates any meaningful conversations nor does she have any hobbies or interests. We are happy sexually but after I would always feel guilty that I am using her when I do not really love her. When I am with her I promise myself I will not take advantage of her but in the end I cannot resist her, I feel so ashamed of myself for it and wonder if it is okay if we both enjoy. She wants me to tell her that I love her every day and it has been a long time since I meant those words, as time went on I grew to doubt it more and more but I do not think I could bring myself to leave her.

    I am so confused and would appreciate any helpful advice on what I should do about this relationship. We have tried talking about it but our conversations seem to go in circles. Is there anything I could do?
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    That's a difficult situation...
    So, are you sure you don't love her any more? It sounds like it's time for you to move on, but I can really understand why you're so worried about doing so.
    But things like this happen in everyone's life; she is going to have to learn to deal with it at some point. It sounds like you still care for her - you need to be honest with her about how you feel, otherwise it could come out in nastier, more subconscious ways. It's really hard when you know you're going to hurt someone, but it seems there's no easy way out/quick fix to your situation.
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    (Original post by LRodel)
    That's a difficult situation...
    So, are you sure you don't love her any more? It sounds like it's time for you to move on, but I can really understand why you're so worried about doing so.
    But things like this happen in everyone's life; she is going to have to learn to deal with it at some point. It sounds like you still care for her - you need to be honest with her about how you feel, otherwise it could come out in nastier, more subconscious ways. It's really hard when you know you're going to hurt someone, but it seems there's no easy way out/quick fix to your situation.
    I am not sure about whether or not I love, I do still care about her but whenever I am with her I'm rarely happy and she feels that. It is as if there isn't much to look forward to in our relationship, there is so much tension and doubt. Maybe I am just tired of trying of the pressure of being perfect for her.
 
 
 
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