"Relationship" help please

Basically I need to rant, anomynously incase anyone I know reads it, plus because it sounds pathetic..

I'm 17, have had 1 boyfriend (years ago), have had "interest" since, especially recently, but have liked one guy for over a year now, only he's had a long term gf.. I told him I liked him in November, since then he's "gone on a break" with his gf, told me he likes me too, but is still with her, and basically probably will be for a long time. I told you that because it may or may not be linked to my problem!
I've been on a couple of dates recently, one with a guy I like, but couldn't kiss him.. and any "flirting"..yeah it's flirting, but it's how I act with my school friends (girls school) too.. Not really any different.. And the same with another guy I like.. He actually initiated a kiss and I backed away, and couldn't do it. God knows I *want* to, and that I *want* a relationship, kisses, mutual respect, attention, love, someone to be there, sex, someone who cares, someone to care about, etc etc, but I can't seem to do anything about it.
Im not sure whether this is because I still like this guy with the on-off gf too much (Because I told him to say to me "We cant be any more than friends, get over it" and he said he couldnt), whether it's because I dont feel myself worthy of happiness or attention (Yeah I say I like attention, but if it's soley on me, or if someone cares about me more than anyone else, I get weirded out because Im not special and dont deserve that sort of love), whether it's to do with some weird psychological thing because my childhood and relationships with family werent very good, whether it'sj just cos I go to an all girls school and so am a social leper when it comes to relationships, or something else?

It's really really annoying and upsetting me though. I thought for ages "I want a long term relationship" but I cant seem to even begin one because I push people away, act jokingly, blah blah BLAH. I hate it. What can I do?

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Yeah.. but I wouldnt even mind a normal relationship, like some of my friends have.. I reaally dont want to sound arrogant, but I have people interested in me, to the point where all my friends joke about it because there's quite a few, or they dont think Im buying any of my drinks when out (i am)..I just leave it too late when thinking about if I like them back, or like them and just have this weird block on letting them know, or being able to do anything with them..
Plus, sometimes, people just ignore me because they assume I already have someone, or a guy tells them we're "unofficial"..what's that about? arg.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

hmm. ok.
i guess so.
it makes sense but "figuring out the best of the lot" seems mean,and i like the guy i cant have too much. and he's still being too sweet saying he missed me over the last week. like **** he ****ing did. ARG. Or he might have done, but that's just as bad.

Reply 3

starya

It sounds like you're too stuck on this one guy to be able to have any kind of relationship with someone else. You should work on that issue.

Yes, most people want a long term relationship but you can't really tell if a relationship is going to be a long term one until it has actually started.

Don't try to look for the perfect guy to begin with, that won't lead anywhere.
You know what they say, stop looking and you'll find it. That goes for relationships as well.

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