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My ex yelled at me so badly I was having to hold the phone away from my ear :S watch

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    Ok well I don't understand why?!
    The story goes like this, we were together for a year and a few months, he was a good boyfriend but about a week before he went to uni we had a few arguments, he upset my friend, started being touchy with another girl etc literally within a few weeks of him going to uni he has an affair, the girl he cheated on me with is now his new girlfriend. During the time at uni it wa also like he had a personality transplant; he constantly critised me, hurtled insults, made out like I was crazy and paranoid if I was upset he'd just shout at me but not as badly as yesterday...

    This abusive boyfriend stage, literally lasted about three weeks of him being at uni... I really thought it wasn't him (as he hadn't exhibited any signs before uni) and he felt guilty and really convinced me he was going to be a good friend to me. I thought my friendship was a lot to ask for, although I did value his, so I said I would stay friends as long as he kept his new relationship with the girl he cheated on me with off facebook for a couple of months, as it would be insensitive to flaunt it in my face , I could block him, but it'd be unfair on me to lose the only free method of commincation. He agreed.

    However, she keeps doing really insensitive (at best, if not vindictive) things. Yesterday, I finally mustered up the courage to dent my pride (up until now when he's spoken to me, I've told him I'm good) and tell him that it was hurting me. I spoke in a matter-of-fact voice, calmy, I didn't accuse her of anything. I just said when xy and z happened, it hurt. He asked me what I wanted him to do about it, and I suggested that he talked to her about it. He then went mental, I've never heard him go so bezerk, it was more his voice tone and volume but he was saying , I shouldn't be hurt because we've been broken up for three weeks and therefore hurting at all is an abnormal reaction and I wasn't going to guilt trip him and then he started hurtling insults. I calmly kept asking me to stop shouting, to no avail, so then I said can you please calm down, and his reply was that I should ****ing calm down, which was bizzarre because my voice was calm and even the entire time. Like i said in the title he was being so loud I was having to hold the phone away from my ear. I did do something wrong, I thought out loud at one point, ' omg why do I want to be friends with you' and that set him of more (if possible), saying that I couldn't threaten him with our friendship anymore because I wasn't getting what I wanted (him to talk to her) but I wasn't...I just don't think friends yell and insult their friends but he wouldn't accept that at this point so I was just apologising and apologising for saying it because I just wanted the yelling to stop as it was scary and then managed to diffuse the situation with humour. I just don't understand where all this anger and nastyness has come from?! He used to be so kind and caring, but he was being vile. Is he just trying to villaify me, to make his guilt about cheating less? Or is it because he didn't didn't deal with our breakup so he's taking all his emotions out at me?! I just don't understand where this person has come from :/ and I just feel so sick I haven't managed to eat and everything he said has hit hard, I know I'm not any of the nasty things he called me, manipulative, delusional etc does he really believe I am?! I don't know what to do because I really want to spend christmas with his family (I'm invited still and my family don't celebrate) and his mum is like my second mum, but I actually feel scared of him right now, and that's not normal right?! But I also want to know where this anger is coming from, so I can deal with it better (not like a doormat) if he tries to yell at me again and I kind of feel like I deserve an apology for the yelling and insults, but don't know how to ask for one, without more yelling and insults :P
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    From what I can tell he sounds like an utter ****. Ignore him and try to move on. He probably likes the attention.
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    Back away, he's a tool.
    Imagine if one of your mates told you that this was happening to them, what advice would you give?
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    But I believe good people can do ****ty things, and he showed me that he was good person for over a year, it's literally like he's had a personality transplant, I don't understand
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    (Original post by lizpop)
    Back away, he's a tool.
    Imagine if one of your mates told you that this was happening to them, what advice would you give?
    That I'm being crazy staying friends with him? I just wish I could understand he was literally so lovely for over a year!
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    You are crazy trying to be friends with someone who cheated on you so soon after he left you for another girl. Plus why are you apologising to him?! He should be apologising to you!! And as for the friendship thing i couldnt be friends with a cheating lying fool like him, and him shouting at you should really be the last straw. You wont get over him while your still in contact with him, you need the clean break to get over him. To be honest i wouldnt trust this prick again considering how he behaved.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That I'm being crazy staying friends with him? I just wish I could understand he was literally so lovely for over a year!
    Exactly! It's just like when a relationship turns abusive surely? One day they just flip and that's it. I mean nobody would ever go with that person if they knew they were like that. Seriously, don't contact him, even delete from facebook so you're not always looking at what he's doing. It'll help, promise

    Oh, and he doesn't deserve an apology, if anyone does it's you.
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    Sounds like a male version of my ex. These people with such non existent personality go through that change when they hit uni, they literally absorb the mentality of the hysterical masses and lose all the individuality you thought they had. Suddenly your relationship means nothing and suddenly they become a completely different person.

    It's traumatic but you have to cut all ties and move on.
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    (Original post by lizpop)
    Exactly! It's just like when a relationship turns abusive surely? One day they just flip and that's it. I mean nobody would ever go with that person if they knew they were like that. Seriously, don't contact him, even delete from facebook so you're not always looking at what he's doing. It'll help, promise

    Oh, and he doesn't deserve an apology, if anyone does it's you.
    Well I flipped too a few weeks ago! When I found out he cheated (I saw a picture of them kissing on facebook) I was livid and screaming at him that he was a lying cheating ******* and how could he?! Does that make me abusive too????
    And also I could see why he didn't like what I was saying, his new girl probabaly feels insecure about not making it public on facebook (although my opinion is, well she shouldn't have started with him whilst me and him were together if she wanted a normal, secure relationship) and by mentioning me, and my feelings she's probabaly going to feel even more insecure and that's why he thinks I'm being a cow? However, I kind of feel like a little insecurity compared to being cheated on, and being replaced by her, then her current behaviour feels like she's kicking me whislt I'm down, so basically a very broken heart is a lot lot more hurtful however I'm biased :/ Besides a lot of people date for a while before getting into a relationship anyway and wait before making it official so it's nothing out of the ordinary! Thanks for your reply I am seeing him fri though and I'm scared, taking a pregnancy test with him (basically as soon as i arrived at his uni i started vomiting, I vomited a couple of pills, he didn't put the condom on properly, I did say no but he didn't listen...but shouldn't be pregnant as went to the clinic and got emergency contraception)
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    (Original post by Ciaran88)
    Sounds like a male version of my ex. These people with such non existent personality go through that change when they hit uni, they literally absorb the mentality of the hysterical masses and lose all the individuality you thought they had. Suddenly your relationship means nothing and suddenly they become a completely different person.

    It's traumatic but you have to cut all ties and move on.
    Yes sounds like the same situation, I really did think he was an indivdual. He had such strong morals before - would stick up for things against his friends, went to protests because he felt so strongly for what he believed in - he was the leader rather than the sheep and that's why I fell for him. He was even a vegetarian for years because he didn't even want to harm animals ,although apparently he's started eating meat now... I'm sorry you had to go through that with your ex!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yes sounds like the same situation, I really did think he was an indivdual. He had such strong morals before - would stick up for things against his friends, went to protests because he felt so strongly for what he believed in - he was the leader rather than the sheep and that's why I fell for him. He was even a vegetarian for years because he didn't even want to harm animals ,although apparently he's started eating meat now... I'm sorry you had to go through that with your ex!
    My ex didn't have any of the traits you mention there so it shouldn't have been a surprise really. She had no personality tbh, everything from the university she went to to the career she has chosen were just things her mum told her to do. When she was with me she was apparently a socialist and wanted to go into human rights law, I wouldn't be surprised if all that has changed according to whatever her current boyfriend is into.

    And yes when freshers started she became completely absorbed in that world. She accused me of being paranoid and controlling too, at the time I apologised but on reflection there was really only one or two occasions when I ever complained that she wasn't spending enough time with me.

    Anyway, you learn from this that you need to find people with strong, stable personalities if you are expecting anything long term from them. That can be hard to find at this age sadly.
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    Babe, please write in paragraphs.

    I got the gist of your situation and like the people ahead said, the guy's a prat. Its a crying shame that you have strong feelings for him though...
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    Sounds like a ******** of a boy.

    Most likely he had always been that way and coming to uni finally gave him the guts to do what he always wanted to. Give him the wide berth and move on... your life will be best that way...... oh yeah block him off facebook.
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    In my point of view relationships and uni don't work
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    (Original post by Ciaran88)
    My ex didn't have any of the traits you mention there so it shouldn't have been a surprise really. She had no personality tbh, everything from the university she went to to the career she has chosen were just things her mum told her to do. When she was with me she was apparently a socialist and wanted to go into human rights law, I wouldn't be surprised if all that has changed according to whatever her current boyfriend is into.

    And yes when freshers started she became completely absorbed in that world. She accused me of being paranoid and controlling too, at the time I apologised but on reflection there was really only one or two occasions when I ever complained that she wasn't spending enough time with me.

    Anyway, you learn from this that you need to find people with strong, stable personalities if you are expecting anything long term from them. That can be hard to find at this age sadly.
    He basically chose his university, because it was the closet decent one to me...it really did seem like he loved me once upon a time :/ Hey, she was doing law too? That I guess is something you can say he has no personality about, he openly admitted he wanted to become a lawyer for the money. How long were you with your ex for?

    Well I guess our ex's attacked us, because it's the first form of defence. Doesn't sound like you were being paranoid at all and I know I wasn't either. They also don't know the meaning of controlling! I've had a controlling ex, about four months in, he tried telling me what I was and wasn't allowed to eat...didn't want me to drink at all etc Yes I know how to pick them :P

    I agree! It is hard, especially as people our age don't seem to comprehend that relationships aren't from Disneyland! As soon as the first hurdle comes, most people seem to run instead of tackle it. A lot of people still seem to be as self-centered as children and need a few more years of growing up before they're ready to be in a relationship.
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    (Original post by Jaidenh)
    In my point of view relationships and uni don't work
    This is obviously the case. Almost everyone I've ever known who went to uni already in a relationship broke up within the first few months. Fools.
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    (Original post by pineapple86)
    You are crazy trying to be friends with someone who cheated on you so soon after he left you for another girl. Plus why are you apologising to him?! He should be apologising to you!! And as for the friendship thing i couldnt be friends with a cheating lying fool like him, and him shouting at you should really be the last straw. You wont get over him while your still in contact with him, you need the clean break to get over him. To be honest i wouldnt trust this prick again considering how he behaved.
    But I do feel over him in the sense that I'm not in love with him anymore, I don't trust him don't worry! I'm just not over the hurt of being cheated on and sort of feel indignant that's he replaced me with a pretty face who seems rather ugly on the inside. I'm just also confused of how he could turn so horrible and why he seems to have so much anger
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    (Original post by Rant)
    This is obviously the case. Almost everyone I've ever known who went to uni already in a relationship broke up within the first few months. Fools.
    Well you could say almost every relationship breaks up - what's your point? If two people are really commited to eachother, they'll make it work. They just need to realistic that it'll be a huge adjustment and be sensitive to eachother adjusting. My sister and her husband did.
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    (Original post by xfirekittyx)
    Well you could say almost every relationship breaks up - what's your point? If two people are really commited to eachother, they'll make it work. They just need to realistic that it'll be a huge adjustment and be sensitive to eachother adjusting. My sister and her husband did.
    You're right. That's why I don't do relationships.

    If people want to try to "commit" to each other at such a young age, well. IMO, they're just wasting their lives.
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    (Original post by Rant)
    You're right. That's why I don't do relationships.

    If people want to try to "commit" to each other at such a young age, well. IMO, they're just wasting their lives.
    Haha!
    I don't agree with you that they are 'wasting their lives though', it adds to your life immensely!
 
 
 
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