Maybe I should become a computer games reviewer for GamesMaster or something...their reviews are SO crap it's unbelievable.
Here are two reviews that somehow fill up an entire A4 page:
Batman: Rise of Sin Tzu
What is it with Batman and games? The list of games featuring the Caped Crusader is so poor it actually takes the form of a giant skid mark.
With chuff like Dark Tomorrow, Gotham City Racer and Vengeance, Batman has become the Army Men of superheroes, sentenced to an eternity of starring in a pile of pump. Take Rise of Sin Tzu for example, a strolling beat-'em-up that challenges you to rattle the joypad until all the bad guys fall over. The gameplay on its own would just be poor, but as it's such a waste of a potentially good licence it becomes offensive.
Where are the Bat-gadgets? Where's the Bat-detective-work? Where's the Bat-anguish? Hell, just where is the Bat-love?
Hunter the Reckoning: Redeemer
Take any old hack 'n' slash - say, Onimusha 2 - and cross it with a Buffy- or Resi-type plot. Then lower its production values - further, further... yep, just about there. That's Hunter the Reckoning: Redeemer summed up.
It's all very simple. You make your way through each level, hacking at shapeshifters and undead folk. The problem with the first game was that once you'd entered a combo, your character would unstoppably go through the animation. It all felt very laborious. The only difference in Redeemer is that the right analogue stick now allows you to turn - an improvement, but not much of one.
Causing vast bloodshed is always fun, but by our reckoning, this doesn't make Hunter worth buying.
Those two combined REALLY took up a whole page, and on a pretty small font size, too. The space covered by each review can be taken up by two pictures, and as you can probably guess, there were a lot of pictures filling up the empty space - 11 in total.
Now, I don't blame them for not writing two or three pages of stuff for games that they rated 42% and 51% respectively, but they're taking the piss. My review here
of Pop Idol (which I gave a paltry 24%) takes up more space than both of their reviews put together, and I wasn't talking sh*te like "Where is Cowell's bitter hatred of all the people who are bigger stars than he ever could be even though we don't know WHY they're stars?" to fill up space, either.