The Student Room Group

Not knowing how to get over someone

I recently had a short-lived passion-filled experience with a girl I met who finally decided not to go out with me. The trouble is, it's been a month since she told me things finished (through a text :frown: ) but I can't get this idea out of my head that she's the one.

Friends have been rather unsupportive: "You got sex. What are you complaining about? Forget about her. You only met her recently."

Trouble is, I haven't felt so strongly about someone for years and years. I've had girlfriends in the past few years. Not very successful relationships plus when I was with them I never thought "I couldn't imagine myself with anyone at this moment. There's noone else I would want to be". Unfortunately, my lack of interest and strong feelings and have actually drawn past girlfriends closer to me. However, that's how I felt and still feel about this girl. I'm slowly accepting the idea she doesn't want to be with me but still can't get rid of the idea that she's the one.

When I'm told that there will be other girls, it doesn't even reassure me. I know there will be but I don't want another one of those relationships where I just go out with a girl because she's relatively attractive and interesting and that's it. Considering that I haven't felt anything close to that for years and years, it's hard to get over her.

I've tried to call her and text her but this has only created the impression that I'm some psycho. I even tried to see her.

The trouble is, I'm often like that when I feel that I've met someone special (although I've never experienced the feelings I have for this girl), even when I've never really gone out with them. I sometimes find myself thinking about a girl I had feelings for two or three years ago.

Time to see a therapist I think :frown:
Join the navy. That'll take your mind off things.
Reply 2
Happy Cycling
Join the navy. That'll take your mind off things.


In a weird way, that actually sounds like a good idea. Unfortunately I have another job I'm committed to.
Ah, I'm sorry to hear that. I am in almost exactly the same situation (see my other post- So hurt and confused!). Not much advice I can give really, except to leave it for a while, don't text or call her. Maybe she will come back? When I split with my man, I was exactly the same, I was texting and grabbing any opportunity to talk or see him. Now, I don't contact him, but he does send me texts and I saw him today (by chance). We can both live in hope.
Reply 4
It's very easy to idealise a relationship with someone when you don't know the person very well. Remember that since you only met her recently, she will have flaws you don't know about and the relationship would certainly not be perfect. I mean, she's already demonstrated one flaw: not being interested - which is pretty crucial! The girl clearly isn't right for you and doesn't want the same thing as you. I know it's hard but delete her number, block her on MSN and go out as much as possible with your friends. Everyone has to do it sometimes. Don't get negative about it, you'll always have your memories, just leave it at that.
Reply 5
Is she talking to at all? You say you text/ call. Does she reply? What does she say? If your giving off the impression of a psycho stalker then maybe its the way your going about trying to talk to her. We all know how you feel, but do you know how she feels? Did she say WHY she wasn't interested? Maybe she's having trouble in other parts of her life and doesn't want a boyfriend/ long term relationship right now. Maybe she's had a bad experience with a previous boyfriend and thats putting her off serious relationships. Give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she really is into you but its not the right time. Try to remain friends - maybe she'll come round eventually.

Or, (and this is a distinct possiblility too :redface: ), maybe she just doesn't feel the same way. No reason really, sometimes you just feel something or you don't. If thats the case, then let it go. It will definately take time, but you will get over her.
Reply 6
ciara
It's very easy to idealise a relationship with someone when you don't know the person very well. Remember that since you only met her recently, she will have flaws you don't know about and the relationship would certainly not be perfect. I mean, she's already demonstrated one flaw: not being interested - which is pretty crucial! The girl clearly isn't right for you and doesn't want the same thing as you. I know it's hard but delete her number, block her on MSN and go out as much as possible with your friends. Everyone has to do it sometimes. Don't get negative about it, you'll always have your memories, just leave it at that.



It's a bit more complicated than the average relationship. Let's say that there's a geographical issue at hand. I'm quite confident that if I lived in the same town as her, things would not have turned out like the did.

As for the flaws, that's not the issue. I know myself enough to know when a girl is really my type. Simply because I don't get feelings like that every other week. I hadn't felt like that in years and during those years, I've had a couple of girlfriends. If I were to find flaws it would be mostly regarding her attitude towards relationships. Something that is very unfortunate about my taste in girls is that I like girls who are a bit emotionally messed up and it seems that that's the case with her.

To the last poster, sorry I forgot to mention a few things: no, she hasn't replied to any of my calls or texts. Only once. She said in a text that it was because of someone else but it felt like it was just an excuse to break up with me nice and clean. The excuse seemed even more apparent when I managed to call her (only) once (at work) and she said she had no boyfriend.

It's still not clear to me whether she's worried about things getting serious (in that case, with me telling how I feel, that doesn't help) or whether she's with someone else. I have to believe that she's with someone else and accept it. To be honest, and this might seem weird to some of you simply because I haven't explained the whole situation, I'd rather she was with someone else as I'd know that this isn't a chance that's been wasted. If it's because she's worried things can't work out, due to the distance, then that would make me really upset, simply because I know I could make things work. In a weird way, I actually liked the idea of a long-distance relationship. I just don't function like most guys when it comes to relationships and would have considered moving to her city if that's what she would have ended up wanting.
Reply 7
Anonymous
It's a bit more complicated than the average relationship. Let's say that there's a geographical issue at hand. I'm quite confident that if I lived in the same town as her, things would not have turned out like the did.

As for the flaws, that's not the issue. I know myself enough to know when a girl is really my type. Simply because I don't get feelings like that every other week. I hadn't felt like that in years and during those years, I've had a couple of girlfriends. If I were to find flaws it would be mostly regarding her attitude towards relationships. Something that is very unfortunate about my taste in girls is that I like girls who are a bit emotionally messed up and it seems that that's the case with her.

To the last poster, sorry I forgot to mention a few things: no, she hasn't replied to any of my calls or texts. Only once. She said in a text that it was because of someone else but it felt like it was just an excuse to break up with me nice and clean. The excuse seemed even more apparent when I managed to call her (only) once (at work) and she said she had no boyfriend.

It's still not clear to me whether she's worried about things getting serious (in that case, with me telling how I feel, that doesn't help) or whether she's with someone else. I have to believe that she's with someone else and accept it. To be honest, and this might seem weird to some of you simply because I haven't explained the whole situation, I'd rather she was with someone else as I'd know that this isn't a chance that's been wasted. If it's because she's worried things can't work out, due to the distance, then that would make me really upset, simply because I know I could make things work. In a weird way, I actually liked the idea of a long-distance relationship. I just don't function like most guys when it comes to relationships and would have considered moving to her city if that's what she would have ended up wanting.


Ok so basically you need closure and her explanation doesn't quite cut it. Well then don't beat around the bush, just phone her and tell her exactly why you're acting as you are. Hopefully she will tell you the truth, and you can start moving on. The geographical thing is annoying but a totally valid reason not to be together, in fact I've experienced something similar myself. You've got to accept the reason she gives you.

And by the way, I'm sure you do know yourself well enough to decide whether a girl is your type, but I was saying I don't think you know her well enough!
Reply 8
ciara
Ok so basically you need closure and her explanation doesn't quite cut it. Well then don't beat around the bush, just phone her and tell her exactly why you're acting as you are. Hopefully she will tell you the truth, and you can start moving on. The geographical thing is annoying but a totally valid reason not to be together, in fact I've experienced something similar myself. You've got to accept the reason she gives you.

And by the way, I'm sure you do know yourself well enough to decide whether a girl is your type, but I was saying I don't think you know her well enough!


Do most people ever know their partner well enough? On a day-to-day basis, sure I don't know what it would be like to be with her but she has everything I've ever wanted in a girl. I've never felt like this about someone, especially after knowing someone for only a couple of weeks. I'm not a kid. I've known quite a few girls, had more or less successful relationships. Most girls I've ever been with, I've been happy to be with them but never had the feeling that there's noone I could ever be with who would make me just as happy. This girl makes me feel like that... Give me the possibility of being with anyone else in this world, I would turn the offer down. Not that I would get that many offers.
Reply 9
Anonymous
It's a bit more complicated than the average relationship. Let's say that there's a geographical issue at hand. I'm quite confident that if I lived in the same town as her, things would not have turned out like the did.


Really? How can you be so sure? And also, the fact that there's a geographical distance changes everything. Ciara's right. It's a perfectly valid reason to break up with someone. Maybe she needs/ wants someone she can see all the time?

As for the flaws, that's not the issue. I know myself enough to know when a girl is really my type. Simply because I don't get feelings like that every other week. I hadn't felt like that in years and during those years, I've had a couple of girlfriends. If I were to find flaws it would be mostly regarding her attitude towards relationships. Something that is very unfortunate about my taste in girls is that I like girls who are a bit emotionally messed up and it seems that that's the case with her.


:confused: erm... why? Life's complicated enough, why make it harder for yourself?

On a day-to-day basis, sure I don't know what it would be like to be with her


I thought you said you dated her for a while?

It's still not clear to me whether she's worried about things getting serious (in that case, with me telling how I feel, that doesn't help) or whether she's with someone else. I have to believe that she's with someone else and accept it. To be honest, and this might seem weird to some of you simply because I haven't explained the whole situation, I'd rather she was with someone else as I'd know that this isn't a chance that's been wasted. If it's because she's worried things can't work out, due to the distance, then that would make me really upset, simply because I know I could make things work. In a weird way, I actually liked the idea of a long-distance relationship. I just don't function like most guys when it comes to relationships and would have considered moving to her city if that's what she would have ended up wanting.


It seems to me your just making stuff up in your head - excuses for why she broke up with you - when really, it might not be true. You said yourself that when you asked her, she said she didn't have a boyfriend!

Just ask her. Simple as. And then, if the answer you get is not the one your looking for, move on. :smile:
Reply 10
If ever there was a lesson in mis-quoting, Whizz has provided one of the highest quality :wink:
Reply 11
It'll get better. I posted something like this about 2 months ago, and its got so much better. I saw him out the other day and I thought - you tool! What did I ever see in him?
Reply 12
Thanks. I also think that it will get better but at the moment it's not easy. I'm far away from friends and family and don't really have anyone to take my mind off things. Even the friends I speak to are not very supportive. They don't really understand how I could have feelings for someone I had only spent a week with altogether. The trouble is that that kind of "logical" thinking doesn't work. We always assume that what applies to our past relationships applies to every kind of situation. I guess it's not their fault. They just haven't been in this situation: She's in a different country and refuses to answer the phone, answer texts or e-mails (so to the person suggesting I try to get an explanation, there's no point. She claims that what was written in the contradictory texts. So basically 2 texts is good enough to get rid of someone...). It's not a situation that that many people go through but trust me, it's awful. The way you feel powerless and how you just don't understand anything. It's not a situation where you know you might bump into them again some day. If that was the case, I'd feel so much better.

What's worse is how I developed feelings for her so quickly. I had never experienced that with anyone or any past girlfriend. I'm a mostly rational person on a day-to-day basis but in this case, I really lost it. I've tried to call her, to text her but all I've done is made her think I'm a psychopath, instead of making her realise I have feelings for her.

I went out the weekend after she "dumped" me with a text and thought I'd feel better. What happened is just that I got very drunk, went home the next day and felt physically crap in addition to feeling emotionally even crapper.