This discussion is now closed.
Check out other Related discussions
- A-Levels, Relationships, and applying to Oxford - help?
- Dealing with heartbreak
- what do you call cheating
- Is he cheating on his gf?
- Strain to micro strain conversion
- My friend
- Why does potential difference increase when resistance increases?
- Holding a relationship whilst studying?
- How do i get over someone?
- Help with A LEVEL TRIG
- I broke my GF trust in a long distance relationship. How do I begin to heal or make a
- Glasgow School of art
- united states allies
- help my gf (?) likes my best friend
- Should I move in with BF in second year of uni?
- Xaverian or Loreto (Manchester)
- Physics Paper 1 - Deformation topic - multiple choice question solution?
- not feeling jesus presence after sinning
- My girlfriend is emotionally close to guys
- I’m not sexually attracted to my girlfriend anymore and I don’t know what to do
Crossing the friends-relationship divide
Thought it would be good to get the student room opinion on something I was discussing with my flatmates last night.
When I think back to two of my ex girlfriends, they were girls who I knew as friends first - both for a period of years. The first was a girl I'd done A Level history with for 2 years and we got it together around the time of the exams, the second was a girl I'd been friends with for 3 years before we started going out. I suppose I had always liked the A level girl a bit, but the second girl I had genuinely never seen as anything other than a friend for 3 years then suddenly we were spending more time together and I realised I was developing feelings for her.
Both these relationships were more stable and enjoyable than the other relationships I have had, which have been briefer and more turbulent. These were the ones based on the 'meet a girl on a night out, get her number, start seeing each other basis', so we were effectively getting to know each other through dating rather than knowing each other beforehands.
As a result I much rather find a relationship that stems from a friendship, and a couple of my male flatmates shared the same position.
However what we wonder is whether this is generally a 'male' way of thinking. One of our girl mates was round and she said that there's a switch in a girls mind which will either be turned on or off as soon as she meets a guy (in terms of attraction), and if you haven't flicked that switch when she's first seen you, she will never be interested. I argued that surely sometimes a girl would develop feelings for someone after getting to know them but she was adamant that guys that think that are kidding ourselves, and we're either on the "friends" list or the "potential boyfriend" list from the word go, there's no crossing from one to the other. She said that the reason guys sometimes get relationships which appear to grow out of friendships is because the girl has secretly fancied them all along.
Now I'm not sure whether this just reflects one particular girl's way of seeing male-female relationships, or whether she is speaking on behalf of the way the female mind tends to work.
So for the girls here, have you found yourself developing feelings for a guy after getting to know him over a period of time....or has that only happened when you've instantly thought he was 'quite fit' from the first time you've met him?
When I think back to two of my ex girlfriends, they were girls who I knew as friends first - both for a period of years. The first was a girl I'd done A Level history with for 2 years and we got it together around the time of the exams, the second was a girl I'd been friends with for 3 years before we started going out. I suppose I had always liked the A level girl a bit, but the second girl I had genuinely never seen as anything other than a friend for 3 years then suddenly we were spending more time together and I realised I was developing feelings for her.
Both these relationships were more stable and enjoyable than the other relationships I have had, which have been briefer and more turbulent. These were the ones based on the 'meet a girl on a night out, get her number, start seeing each other basis', so we were effectively getting to know each other through dating rather than knowing each other beforehands.
As a result I much rather find a relationship that stems from a friendship, and a couple of my male flatmates shared the same position.
However what we wonder is whether this is generally a 'male' way of thinking. One of our girl mates was round and she said that there's a switch in a girls mind which will either be turned on or off as soon as she meets a guy (in terms of attraction), and if you haven't flicked that switch when she's first seen you, she will never be interested. I argued that surely sometimes a girl would develop feelings for someone after getting to know them but she was adamant that guys that think that are kidding ourselves, and we're either on the "friends" list or the "potential boyfriend" list from the word go, there's no crossing from one to the other. She said that the reason guys sometimes get relationships which appear to grow out of friendships is because the girl has secretly fancied them all along.
Now I'm not sure whether this just reflects one particular girl's way of seeing male-female relationships, or whether she is speaking on behalf of the way the female mind tends to work.
So for the girls here, have you found yourself developing feelings for a guy after getting to know him over a period of time....or has that only happened when you've instantly thought he was 'quite fit' from the first time you've met him?
Rightio, well I'm a girl. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years in April, and before we went out we were best friends. For a year. So it does work, and girls do think this! I also think it could form a more stable relationship considering you know the other person and has a more solid base.
HOWEVER. I did have a few niggles when he asked me out. I was scared it would ruin our friendship. And I think this often happens with people. So it's understandable that people are wary.
So basically...different for different people. Sometimes boys will cross the friend line, other times they won't. It all depends on the circumstances.
HOWEVER. I did have a few niggles when he asked me out. I was scared it would ruin our friendship. And I think this often happens with people. So it's understandable that people are wary.
So basically...different for different people. Sometimes boys will cross the friend line, other times they won't. It all depends on the circumstances.
Reply 2
Good thread. Sometimes I soil myself when I think that maybe I've already met my future wife 
Reply 3
a question for you supercat, if you remember the first time you met your boyfriend, did you fancy him?
And the reason you entered into a 'best friendship' with him - if you are honest with yourself did you see him as maybe a potential partner at the time, or did you think of it as purely platonic, only for you to develop feelings you never expected at the start?
And the reason you entered into a 'best friendship' with him - if you are honest with yourself did you see him as maybe a potential partner at the time, or did you think of it as purely platonic, only for you to develop feelings you never expected at the start?
Reply 4
Ok - your friend is right, there does tend to be a general switch in a girls mind (I don't know if its the same for guys) that does put a guy onto the 'potential boyfriend' list or the 'friend' list. However, it is most definitely possible to cross the barrier without having previous feelings for them of a relationship kind. I have met two people that I can think of that I originally thought were good mates 
However, they had detected something else somewhere along the line. One of my friends kind of liked me and he just sort of... won me over. Before I had no previous thoughts of him in any other way. However, friends to couples isn't always good - I don't talk to either of them anymore and neither are my friends :'(
However, they had detected something else somewhere along the line. One of my friends kind of liked me and he just sort of... won me over. Before I had no previous thoughts of him in any other way. However, friends to couples isn't always good - I don't talk to either of them anymore and neither are my friends :'(Personally, and I know many disagree with me here, I think a straight man and a straight woman can never be just friends. I think that although they may not admit it, one, at some point, may feel something more than friendship for the other, even if it is only briefly. I think this applies especially at this age with all the pheremones flying about there's bound to be some attraction along the line somewhere. It's in our biology, we are always subconsciously aware that there is the potential for the friendship to blossom....
Reply 6
i agree with your girl friend - boys are either uninteresting or potential boyfriend! (although you can change from one to the other, esp if you get a bf, then the potentials turn to boring, or just friends)
but its difficult to turn to bf material from just friends i reckon
but its difficult to turn to bf material from just friends i reckon
Reply 7
I got together with my best friend, we've been together almost 2 years now. However, I did really quite fancy him when I first met him! But due to him being my best friend's boyfriend, I didn't think that anything would happen between us. Then I had a boyfriend. Throughout all this time, we were still best friends, building up the most solid friendship I have ever had. Only when our relationships were only did it cross my mind again how attractive he was, and then things to started to happen
Well yeh I can sympathise. My most recent boyfriend was a guy I've been friends with since I was 13. I've known him since I was 10 when i DEFINITELY didn't fancy him. We went out when I was about 14 for a couple of months where nothing really happened and then I was well and truly over it... used to wonder what the hell i'd ever been on ... and then 4 years later we kissed and I realised that OH MY GOD I FANCY PHIL!!!! 
Trust me really didn't see that one coming....
The other of my exes that I had a serious relationship with was also a very good friend - much better than Phil in fact. We'd only known each other for about a month but were fast approaching that boundary after which you're really really best friends and nobody is willing to overstep the boundary. Really didn't fancy him either, although looking back I was acting in a bit of a crushy way, like getting hurt if he was ignoring me, that kinda thing. And then just out of the blue he asked me out.... My first words were "Oh ****! I wasn't expecting that!!" I ended up saying yes because it was the first word I thought of and hey we were good friends.... Absolutely amazing relationship... if there hadn't been so many influences outside the relationship (e.g. the guy has 23 psychiatric disorders...) then I'd probably have married him.
Trust me really didn't see that one coming....The other of my exes that I had a serious relationship with was also a very good friend - much better than Phil in fact. We'd only known each other for about a month but were fast approaching that boundary after which you're really really best friends and nobody is willing to overstep the boundary. Really didn't fancy him either, although looking back I was acting in a bit of a crushy way, like getting hurt if he was ignoring me, that kinda thing. And then just out of the blue he asked me out.... My first words were "Oh ****! I wasn't expecting that!!"
I ended up saying yes because it was the first word I thought of and hey we were good friends.... Absolutely amazing relationship... if there hadn't been so many influences outside the relationship (e.g. the guy has 23 psychiatric disorders...) then I'd probably have married him. Reply 9
hm, I'm a girl, and unfortunately the cross doesn't happen for me, I just find that once they've become my friends... I d/k, I stop appreciating them in a physical way, so I'll never be attracted to them, however 'in touch' we are emotionally.
On the other hand, some girls seem to find that that 'in touch'-ness generates the attraction, and I also think that more healthy relationships start with friendship. Cos the way I go about it probably means I'm hung up on the initial excitement of the chase
.
On the other hand, some girls seem to find that that 'in touch'-ness generates the attraction, and I also think that more healthy relationships start with friendship. Cos the way I go about it probably means I'm hung up on the initial excitement of the chase
.Reply 11
interesting comments here
I suppose it comes down to the thing about 'falling' in love. I don't think I ever really fall for anyone when I first meet them, it takes a few weeks or even months at least to kind of get to appreciate them.
Does this mean that for girls, the 'falling' either happens straight away when you meet someone, or never at all.
I wonder actually whether for females the sense of physical attraction is a lot more important than it is for males (maybe males are less choosy in that way!)
I suppose it comes down to the thing about 'falling' in love. I don't think I ever really fall for anyone when I first meet them, it takes a few weeks or even months at least to kind of get to appreciate them.
Does this mean that for girls, the 'falling' either happens straight away when you meet someone, or never at all.
I wonder actually whether for females the sense of physical attraction is a lot more important than it is for males (maybe males are less choosy in that way!)
Reply 12
Less choosy? I don't know about that! I reckon girls are less 'choosy'. The two guys I reffered to before - one was better looking than me and the other was kind of the same on the scale looks wise. I always see ugly guys out with gorgeous girls - why do I never see it the other way round? I don't know... I hang around guys a fair bit and sometimes the way they refer to woman is literally disgusting. However, I know that not all guys are like this. As for the 'falling' thing.. I think that guys (some guys, before I get accused of tarring everyone with the same brush!) believe that woman fall too easily. Some women do, some women are too quick to say I love him.. but then again so are some men. I reckon both sexes are similiar when it comes to falling in love and it always depends on the individual. For instance, I'd consider myself more male in approach to relationships sometimes.. I'm not some crazy lady after love in a week! I agree that male and females can be friends but that yes.. 'one will always go oh wouldn't it be weird if we did?' even if it is brief and amounts to nothing!
If there is an instant spark then thats just that.. some people fall quickly, some don't and I don't think you can categorise girls as falling quickly or guys as taking their time as I know plenty girls who would feel the same. I will admit that girls may over analyse things (as you may tell from my essay long reply!) but can we really say that women are one way and men are another??? .. I don't think so
If there is an instant spark then thats just that.. some people fall quickly, some don't and I don't think you can categorise girls as falling quickly or guys as taking their time as I know plenty girls who would feel the same. I will admit that girls may over analyse things (as you may tell from my essay long reply!) but can we really say that women are one way and men are another??? .. I don't think so
Nah, i wouldn't say that was my way of thinking. I do normally make up my mind whether I fancy a person or not pretty soon after meeting them, but I wouldn't say that first impression is a definate. I would have a relationship with any of my guy mates, they're not ONLY friends if things were to change.
Ladder Theory explains the way ur thinking though lol.
Ladder Theory explains the way ur thinking though lol.
Reply 14
I think that Ladder Theory is a bit of a joke and more extreme than what I am saying.
However to put it crudely I imagine if you were to ask most males, how many of their female friends would they "do", they would say a reasonably high percentage, where most girls would be horrified at the thought of "doing" their male friends.
Obviously that is just referring to sexual encounters rather than relationship forming.
I also think that most girls find it easier, and will be more comfortable with, a friendship with a male who they do not find attractive. Guys on the other hand are less interested in bothering with a friendship with a girl who they do not find attractive. I have once or twice backed off forming a friendship with girls who I didn't find attractive but I suspected might have an interest in me. And actually although it makes me uncomfortable to admit it, when I look around my closest female friends, they are girls who I do find attractive...and I think that had something to do with me wanting to get to know them. The reason why I never tried to initiate anything more than friendship with them was because I never picked up any subconscious signals of interest from them.
However to put it crudely I imagine if you were to ask most males, how many of their female friends would they "do", they would say a reasonably high percentage, where most girls would be horrified at the thought of "doing" their male friends.
Obviously that is just referring to sexual encounters rather than relationship forming.
I also think that most girls find it easier, and will be more comfortable with, a friendship with a male who they do not find attractive. Guys on the other hand are less interested in bothering with a friendship with a girl who they do not find attractive. I have once or twice backed off forming a friendship with girls who I didn't find attractive but I suspected might have an interest in me. And actually although it makes me uncomfortable to admit it, when I look around my closest female friends, they are girls who I do find attractive...and I think that had something to do with me wanting to get to know them. The reason why I never tried to initiate anything more than friendship with them was because I never picked up any subconscious signals of interest from them.
Reply 15
I agree, I think that men are much more inclined to make friends with women they find attractive.. but then again can we really say that all 'ugly' women have no friends that are men? I think that you, MagicNMedicine, actually represent a large population of men. As for the ladder theory, hmm, I've heard of that before but does it truly get in the way? If men truly only make friends with women because they are attractive then thats a very crooked way of thinknig and forming relationships! In that case all men are scary creatures. But I find it hard to believe that you would 'do' all your female friends without feeling slightly awkward about it seeing as they are in fact your friends.
This thread is definitely inclining me towards the female variety
Maybe I should become a lesbian :'(
This thread is definitely inclining me towards the female variety
Maybe I should become a lesbian :'(
Reply 16
MagicNMedicine
a question for you supercat, if you remember the first time you met your boyfriend, did you fancy him?
And the reason you entered into a 'best friendship' with him - if you are honest with yourself did you see him as maybe a potential partner at the time, or did you think of it as purely platonic, only for you to develop feelings you never expected at the start?
And the reason you entered into a 'best friendship' with him - if you are honest with yourself did you see him as maybe a potential partner at the time, or did you think of it as purely platonic, only for you to develop feelings you never expected at the start?
If I'm brutally honest I'd always felt attracted to my boyfriend, even when we were just great friends. He had a girlfriend at the time though, and so obviously I couldn't do anything about it. I had to outwardly view and treat the friendship as purely platonic while inside I was picturing us together as a couple. I have no shame in admitting that I'd always fancied him right from the moment I saw him but when we became friends I HAD to see it as purely platonic, until I was allowed to finally fall for him a few months later
Luckily, he felt the exactly the same!
It can happen, of course (romantic feelings developing from friendship), but in my and my friends' experiences its pretty rare
Great thread by the way
Reply 17
put it this way it's better to start from friends than not knowing them at all, i made that mistake nearly 3 years ago and very nearly paid for it, luckily the next girl i knew about her was already friends with her, no way was gonna be denied this time.
Reply 18
This is a really interesting thread!
The guy I fancy at the moment, I'm good friends with - and I've fancied him ever since we met. But that's not WHY i became friends with him, he's a great friend and we became friends instantly. I'd still be friends with him if I didn't fancy him. But at the same time, all along I've had feelings for him...
But I don't think that I look at guys and tick a box in my head, as to whether they are dateable or not. Most of my friends I wouldn't ever go out with, they're just too good friends. (Although there are a few I wouldn't say no to...) It's not on my list of criteria for potential friends that they have to be attractive. I kind of agree, though, that I doubt I would ever develop feelings for one of my male friends - as time goes on, I actually think they move further away from being boyfriend-material. The current guy, and other friends I think are attractive, I have always done so; these feelings haven't developed over time...
The guy I fancy at the moment, I'm good friends with - and I've fancied him ever since we met. But that's not WHY i became friends with him, he's a great friend and we became friends instantly. I'd still be friends with him if I didn't fancy him. But at the same time, all along I've had feelings for him...
But I don't think that I look at guys and tick a box in my head, as to whether they are dateable or not. Most of my friends I wouldn't ever go out with, they're just too good friends. (Although there are a few I wouldn't say no to...) It's not on my list of criteria for potential friends that they have to be attractive. I kind of agree, though, that I doubt I would ever develop feelings for one of my male friends - as time goes on, I actually think they move further away from being boyfriend-material. The current guy, and other friends I think are attractive, I have always done so; these feelings haven't developed over time...
Related discussions
- A-Levels, Relationships, and applying to Oxford - help?
- Dealing with heartbreak
- what do you call cheating
- Is he cheating on his gf?
- Strain to micro strain conversion
- My friend
- Why does potential difference increase when resistance increases?
- Holding a relationship whilst studying?
- How do i get over someone?
- Help with A LEVEL TRIG
- I broke my GF trust in a long distance relationship. How do I begin to heal or make a
- Glasgow School of art
- united states allies
- help my gf (?) likes my best friend
- Should I move in with BF in second year of uni?
- Xaverian or Loreto (Manchester)
- Physics Paper 1 - Deformation topic - multiple choice question solution?
- not feeling jesus presence after sinning
- My girlfriend is emotionally close to guys
- I’m not sexually attracted to my girlfriend anymore and I don’t know what to do
Latest
Trending
Last reply 2 months ago
Engineering vs. Medicine: Stuck Between Dreams and ExpectationsLast reply 2 months ago
heyyy , im new heree and im willing to have some friends xxxLast reply 2 months ago
Im 16 and never had a gf and it doesnt feel ok.
