Are we too close?

It'll be obvious to some who this is, but I'll have it as anon anyway.

My boyfriend and I recently (7 weeks ago or so) made the mutual decision to break up. After a term at uni the distance was taking it's toll, we were arguing more etc. We had always planned to break up and have other relationships, with the intention of possibly getting back together in the future when we were thinking of settling down a bit more. Neither of us wanted the added pressure of a long distance relationship at university, especially as we both have heavy workloads.

So, we broke up, and I cried a lot. He made me promise to stay best friends because he couldn't cope if I wasn't a part of his life, and I did because I feel exactly the same about him. True to our word, we have stayed very close. In fact, it seems almost the same as before minus any arguments, and of course, minus any sex. We talk on the phone every day and text a bit too, and we seem to really get on. He's the only person who truly knows the real me, and sometimes he really is the only one that would understand how I'm feeling, so I guess that's encouraged the closeness. I trust him 100%. We have of course, both been going out and getting very drunk with our uni friends, but as yet neither of us have kissed anyone. We have also, erm, 'expressed sexual desire for each other by the medium of the telephone' a few times.

Now, I realise this sounds totally ridiculous, we're acting like we're still together. However, I am currently perfectly happy with the arrangement. My only worry is that this will eventually make me very very hurt. It's only when I think about what exactly we are to each other (ex doesn't quite cover it, boyfriend isn't accurate either) that I get at all bothered.

Tell me you wise people of TSR, is this headed for disaster? He might come and see me at the weekend, should I (a) tell him not to, (b) let him come but not let us behave as anything but 'good friends' (I reckon I could do this) or (c) let him come and sleep with him if that's what we want, since we're only young and I know I can trust him??

Reply 1

~*Sweetness*~

I was in exactly the same position as you just a few weeks ago (almost word for word what you're going through, it's quite scary!).
I had a lot of my friends telling me that it was not a good idea for me and by boyfriend to stay so close but it worked out in the end for us. After not being together for about 6 weeks (and having the same sort of contact that you are currently having) we realised that we couldn't cope with not being together and have now got back together and things are actually better than they were before. Sometimes you need a bit of a break to fully realise just how much you need each other.
I know this probably doesn't help you but just thought I'd share a similar experience with you and let you know that sometimes it can work out for the best.

I think that for now you should go with option B. Just use this time together to really talk about the current state of your relationship, it may help you put things into perspective.

Good luck :smile:

Reply 2

Lady_Muck

I could be writing that word for word. Seriously! I can relate to every bit of it!

Only he went to uni a year ago, after his gap year and now is in his second year. We've split up, got back together, split up and got back together. Split up...Got back together. Although every time he was home (every other weekend or so) I'd see him anyway and we'd do exactly what we did when we were together, only we weren't together!!
Over the summer we 'split up' for 6 months, I didn't really see him at all. We still spoke constantly though and there were the inevitable 'Have you kissed anyone' 'No...'.
Eventually there was the day when it was me (the bitch) who said she had. Even though it was him who dumped me, he was absolutely gutted. You can just tell when you've done something really silly. He then didn't speak to me for about a month, then he did (on Christmas Eve!!), he said he didn't want to lose me and how much I meant to him etc. Then we split up AGAIN (me, this time) and I started seeing someone else, for all of two weeks.

We got back together at the weekend. Rah. It's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard. I love him, so, so much. We've been together three years, but I can't do it. I've had a relationship with him for 3 years over the bloody phone most of the time, it's so frustrating. When we're together, I feel like nothing could ever tear us apart. When we're apart, I have so many doubts about it being too much, too young. The distance is a HUGE issue. Ok, when he's home...Fab. When he's at uni, he's 250 miles away. At the moment, for a while now, things have been marvellous, never better. As I say, when we're together, even in the holidays - it's like we're invincible!

I love speaking to him, if I didn't, i'd be lost. But I know that one day I'm going to have to do it, for my own sanity. The grass isn't greener, he's a great boyfriend generally and we have such a special relationship. I'd marry him, no doubt about it.
I just know that I NEED some 'other people' to compare him with, to experience and maybe come back to him. Then again, I'm terrified that if I end it, see someone else for maybe a year or so...THEN realise it's him I want, by this time he's 25/26 and found someone he wants to settle down with.

I haven't offered any advice, have I? Oops. Advice - take each day? That's what I'm trying to do. It's very hard, nobody 'gets' my problem at all! They all just ignore me now as we're constantly splitting up and getting back together etc!

Teenage woes!

Oh look - there's lots of us!

Reply 3

wednesburywench

go for b, let him come up, if you are going to be friends surely you can see each other. I totally know how you feel (i think i know who you are too) and I feel exactly the same cept I want to be with my boyfriend, but he doesnt (but still loves me and finds me attractive) hmm. I can totally relate to that 100%. it sucks doesnt it. Dont hold on, but by all means stay friends, but forget the thought that you might get back together, and accept that you have him there for you as a friend. :smile:

then take the future as it comes.

Reply 4

wednesburywench

Only difference is is i have no doubts we should not be together.....even with the distance we would never fight...got on amazingly well even though were so far apart. :frown:

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

It's good to see some people have been through this! Ok so I'm veering towards option B now, it'll be a bit tough but as long as I don't drink any alcohol I should be alright. Any other advice, anyone?

Reply 6

topcrabcakes

Never go back. Unless you guys are in contact a lot less, your feelings will continue and then when one of you goes elsewhere, the other will be incredibly hurt. And that could be you.