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Fear of an ex
Hi,
Sorry to use the anonymous feature, but i hope that once you have read my post it will all make some more sense.
About 18 months ago, i started dating a guy at college. He seemed such a lovely guy, really friendly, caring and always full of compliments. I felt really happy in the relationship, but a month down the line he cheated on me. I forgave him and we continued going out. Although now i realise my own stupidity, i kept forgiving him every time he cheated on me (which was three times in total). However, after about 4 months of this, i couldn't take it any more and i left him. He did everything to try and get back with me but i refused, and started to get on with my own life.
Two months later, i went to a party and he was there. He came up to me and apologised so much for everything, and i said that whilst i would never go out with him again, i was prepared to be civil as we had a lot of lessons together and it was extremely awkward during coursework projects. Later that evening i had my drink spiked by him and he raped me. I fell to pieces, but after counselling and the support of really close friends i managed to rebuild and get on with my life to the best of my ability. I still see him around at college and i feel sick when i do but its something i have learnt to live with.
Last week, i had to go on a resedential fieldtrip with him. Everything was going okay, he kept himself to himself and i just kept as much distance between us as possible. However, his girlfriend and i shared a room and one night they had a massive fight and he ended up in our bedroom. He completely lost it with his girlfriend before turning on me and doing exactly the same, but he then tried to hit me. He didnt manage because she got in the way but it still shook me up a hell of a lot.
The problem is i dont know what to do now. I cant stop thinking about what happened the other night, but at the same time i cant think about what happened from start to finish without having flashbacks of being raped as well as him trying to hit me. I feel so panicky and insecure. I feel that i have lost all the strength i had to carry on living my life around him. He attempted to apologise to me for lashing out whilst i was in a shop this weekend and i ended up crying hysterically. I feel so scared and honestly dont know what to do now. Its all been so unpredictable and i feel so afraid of his actions and him as a person. Please help.
Sorry to use the anonymous feature, but i hope that once you have read my post it will all make some more sense.
About 18 months ago, i started dating a guy at college. He seemed such a lovely guy, really friendly, caring and always full of compliments. I felt really happy in the relationship, but a month down the line he cheated on me. I forgave him and we continued going out. Although now i realise my own stupidity, i kept forgiving him every time he cheated on me (which was three times in total). However, after about 4 months of this, i couldn't take it any more and i left him. He did everything to try and get back with me but i refused, and started to get on with my own life.
Two months later, i went to a party and he was there. He came up to me and apologised so much for everything, and i said that whilst i would never go out with him again, i was prepared to be civil as we had a lot of lessons together and it was extremely awkward during coursework projects. Later that evening i had my drink spiked by him and he raped me. I fell to pieces, but after counselling and the support of really close friends i managed to rebuild and get on with my life to the best of my ability. I still see him around at college and i feel sick when i do but its something i have learnt to live with.
Last week, i had to go on a resedential fieldtrip with him. Everything was going okay, he kept himself to himself and i just kept as much distance between us as possible. However, his girlfriend and i shared a room and one night they had a massive fight and he ended up in our bedroom. He completely lost it with his girlfriend before turning on me and doing exactly the same, but he then tried to hit me. He didnt manage because she got in the way but it still shook me up a hell of a lot.
The problem is i dont know what to do now. I cant stop thinking about what happened the other night, but at the same time i cant think about what happened from start to finish without having flashbacks of being raped as well as him trying to hit me. I feel so panicky and insecure. I feel that i have lost all the strength i had to carry on living my life around him. He attempted to apologise to me for lashing out whilst i was in a shop this weekend and i ended up crying hysterically. I feel so scared and honestly dont know what to do now. Its all been so unpredictable and i feel so afraid of his actions and him as a person. Please help.
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Did you report him to the police?! I know it must be hard, but really he can;t get away with this.
Does his girlfriend know what he did to you?
Does his girlfriend know what he did to you?
I reported him to the police for the rape, but not what happened the other night. The case was thrown out of court on the grounds of insufficient evidence, which is my own fault for not reporting it sooner but i just went into some form of denial to try and help me cope.
His girlfriend found out that he had been seeing me whilst he was with her, but when i dumped him, she decided to stay with him. Over recent months we have slowly begun talking and she is aware of what he did to me, but says that he has a lot of troubles and doesn't mean to do what he does. She has also said that he is regularly abusive to her in the sense he loses it with her during arguements and although he has never hit her, he has grabbed her and shook her in a rage. She wont leave him because she says she is afraid, as well as the fact that she loves him and says he is lovely the whole time he is stable.
I dont think reporting the attempt of him hitting me to the police will work, seeing as it was only me, him and his girlfriend in the room, and she is bound to stick up for him and he will get away with it again.
His girlfriend found out that he had been seeing me whilst he was with her, but when i dumped him, she decided to stay with him. Over recent months we have slowly begun talking and she is aware of what he did to me, but says that he has a lot of troubles and doesn't mean to do what he does. She has also said that he is regularly abusive to her in the sense he loses it with her during arguements and although he has never hit her, he has grabbed her and shook her in a rage. She wont leave him because she says she is afraid, as well as the fact that she loves him and says he is lovely the whole time he is stable.
I dont think reporting the attempt of him hitting me to the police will work, seeing as it was only me, him and his girlfriend in the room, and she is bound to stick up for him and he will get away with it again.
Hrmm, it's a difficult situation then. But something must be done about him...if he doesn't get talked to he's going to end up either hurting you again or his girlfriend. Is there anyone at school you can talk to about him? I'm not sure what they would be able to do, but he really cant get away with it.
Sorry I'm not much help, I've never experienced this, but I know he can't get away with it!
Sorry I'm not much help, I've never experienced this, but I know he can't get away with it!
I wish i had told my teacher or got someone involved on the night that it happened but i didnt. Things have only become worse for me since i saw him this weekend and he tried to apologise to me. I just feel a nervous wreck and that everything i have been through, like the counselling has now just gone down the drain as i cannot cope seeing him whatsoever anymore. I feel bad for being depressed about this, but i just feel im losing a fight ive tried so hard to win and come through at the end of.
I can understand where you're coming from, but you don't deserve to feel like this. It's not your fault, so why should you be suffering? I think the school or college should know about him, because who knows who he could turn on next?
lil_lee
I can understand where you're coming from, but you don't deserve to feel like this. It's not your fault, so why should you be suffering? I think the school or college should know about him, because who knows who he could turn on next?
If he's a potential threat to people because of his anger/ violence problem, then it should be known to to the college.
There was someone at my school who had been known to be abusive to partners, but once he also turned on someone in class. The head was informed and he was expelled immediately. It's not fair on everyone else if he is allowed to carry on doing what he is doing...someone will get seriously hurt.
Surely its my word against his? Since it failed in court, i feel that telling anyone that he tried to hit me will be pointless, as the rape is much more serious and yet that failed. Im sorry to sound so despondant, i just am feeling at my wits end now.
There can't be any harm in trying... Your college might feel more strongly about it also, as he is potentially a risk to other students. T=Seriously consider it, because it may help.
I think i might consider letting college/ someone authorotive aware of the problem. However, i know this might sound selfish, but i dont see taking that form of action will make me feel any better, i feel like im falling apart now and i just want this to end.
i think that next time he tries to do smth bad to you, you should tell him, that if he dosnt stop you will call the police. And you should really do that. he sounds really freaky
CherryGarcia
i think that next time he tries to do smth bad to you, you should tell him, that if he dosnt stop you will call the police. And you should really do that. he sounds really freaky
I think it is pretty unlikely that he will have the oppourtunity to lash out at me again- all the trips for my course are over now and i dont really come into contact with him outside of college for obvious reasons. He is seriously messed up, i guess i am worried for the next people who he meets and his current girlfriend. I guess it might just take some time to get over the fight and what he tried to do before i start feeling stronger again, i just hate the feeling that he empowers me.
Anonymous
but says that he has a lot of troubles and doesn't mean to do what he does.
Thats aload of ******** his girlfriend is just being indenial about his problem, and using that as a excuse to avoid sorting it.
He clearly needs some sort of therapy and i think you and his girlfriend need to help eachother out through this, especially with helping her leave him.
As you both know it needs to be done.
Also perhaps tell friends and family about whats going on perhaps they can think of ways to help?
oh wow.
get her to dump him for starters.. no on deserves to be treated like that, and after what he did to you, i can't see why on earth she would want to stay with him.
i think you should both take a stand against him.. you pair against him and put him in his place. i can't believe he got away with what he did to you.
as the poster above said, stick by each other.. you and his new gf.. i know what he did to you was traumatic, but you can't let him win and ruin your whole life.
get her to dump him for starters.. no on deserves to be treated like that, and after what he did to you, i can't see why on earth she would want to stay with him.
i think you should both take a stand against him.. you pair against him and put him in his place. i can't believe he got away with what he did to you.
as the poster above said, stick by each other.. you and his new gf.. i know what he did to you was traumatic, but you can't let him win and ruin your whole life.
Thank you for all of your support. I know that she is not willing to pursue matters at the moment as she doesn't feel she is ready of able to, but i know that she will eventually see sense from what shes said. I am seriously thinking of reporting the incident from the other day (him attempting to hit me)... only thing that is holding me back is lack of proof and i am worried of making it worse for his girlfriend, who is having a hard enough time with him as it is.
iv just read this thread and id just like to say sorry on behalf of my gender for what hes done 2 u. were not all like that, trust me. id never treat a girl like dat. so im'a sort it out 4 u. IF YOU DONT MIND (and it wont b any trouble) all i need is his name and number, and i swear il b able 2 sort it out. but dont wana put u under any pressure or danger, so if you think it might make things worse den you dont have 2, but i know il b able 2 sort him out. i just hate hearing girls being depressed especially if its a big matter like this. Just let me know. bye
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