It's confusing...being male is part of my identity, and I do not reject it, yet I dislike the "male" part of it because it feels wrong and highly embarassing. However, in certain situations, I can be happy with masculinity, although I have never had any kind of hint of any romantic relationship. When I was younger (and sometimes now) I used to strongly fantasise being a girl, and I would feel so confident and free with it, even though I did not openly cross dress or act like a typical female. The main problem is that any sense of "masculinity" I possess is "negative" to me, I want to reject it, automatically reducing my desirability as a male. The only one which I do not wish to reject is male sexual desire and certain other male characteristics which are not necessarily typically "manly" but are associated with being male. I also have an unusual sense of confidence since the confidence in my abilities is strong, I believe I can achieve any goal for studying, work, careers, and helping others, but when it comes to socialising, and in particular socialising in a romantic way, my internal monologue cannot help but reinforce self-defeatism and lack of hope for any romantic achievement (since I have never had a romantic connection from anybody). Couple that with the fact that the majority seem to find it so easy and it turns into a vicious cycle - Lack of confidence = Lack of desirability = Lack of confidence.
In terms of sexuality, I only envision true love with girls, although I have only found truly loved somebody once (although this was not reciprocated in the end). I also am sexually aroused by certain girls, but often by boys as well, and it tends to be a stronger, more lustful sense, whilst the desire for girls seems more subtle and satisfying. One reason may be that there was no male in my life, especially when I was young, that I wanted to emulate. There were plenty of women I identified with, but I lived in a family with a mother and sister primarily. I even remember drawing a lovingly detailed picture of a woman and a 30 second effort of a man next to her because he was of little importance to me. This is certainly not a hormonal "phase" or anything like that - I have dealt with this all my life, and it has only weakened during puberty, but is still a significant problem. I feel that I have no appeal to females if I myself am not comfortable and happy with being a male (which seems to be true judging by being a total relationship virgin). In terms of mentality, I have combined aspects - some male and some female thought processes, although this in itself is not that unusual. However, I feel that many "typically male" thought processes are negative to me, and I don't wish to associate myself with them - I will try to convince myself that I do not think this way. I don't know what to do, I'm not an absolute closet transsexual, I have no visions of romantic relationships with other boys, but I don't have any real masculine identity, what should I do?