Fed up

I've posted lots of posts complaining about my pathetic life before, but I still seem to get no further along. My parents are mentally ill alcoholics and both ought to be in some sort of psychatric unit but refuse to commit themselves and seem to think I can cope with all the burden they place on me. For the past six years they've treated me like an 'adult' in so far as making me care for myself completely, and on the rare occasions they are straight they treat me like an idiot and I have no say in anything. It frustrates me that I feel guilty about going out and spending any money and have to go without lunch sometimes or borrow money off my friends and spend ages paying them back while my Mum is quite happy to go out literally a dozen times a day for multiple bottles of whiskey, scratchcards and bloody womens magazines. She gets aggressive and tries to attack me if I try to take her money off her, and the one time I succeeded and she didn't have any drink she tried to overdose and ended up in hospital. Guilt trip or what? My Dad has spent my whole life telling me how much more intelligent/accomplished/better looking, etc he is than I'll ever be, which means I have such crappy self-confidence. He has offered no support and as a 12-year-old I would ring him up and cry down the phone asking him to come home because I couldn't deal with my mother, and he'd just swear at me and tell me to get on with it. He fantasises about all these women he could have had over my Mum, when in reality any woman would have to be pretty dim to fall for a 53-year-old guy with a pot belly, no teeth and throws up all the time. That's another thing. I'm pretty sure he's got some sort of serious disease because for the past 10 years he has thrown up about 30 times a day (phlegm and all sorts), and in the past couple of weeks it's risen to about 300+ times a day. It makes me feel physically ill (can't sleep well at night because I'm on edge) and he's been off work and refuses to go to a doctor and swears at me if I so much as suggest he visit one. My house nearly got repossessed a few weeks ago, I have no way of paying for university since my parents earn a decent wage (they just spend it all on their licentious lifestyles) and I live in a house that's falling apart and disgusting to live in. I feel I can't talk to my friends about my problems because I don't want to burden them and seem like some pathetic case...
The fact that my own parents seem to hate me also doesn't do wonders to my self-esteem; if my own flesh and blood don't give a damn, then who will?
They think I'm 'coping' just because I'm an A-grade student who goes out and socialises every weekend, but in reality I'm not. I feel like one further burden and I'll snap and end up as insane as them, and I'll never make it through A-levels.
I don't really know what help is out there because I'm 18 so the Government can't exactly put me into care or anything, and I have nowhere to go and feel like there's no way I can stay here for what, another 18 months.
/end of rant

Reply 1

smiley :)

Have you a close relative you can confide in? It seems like you really need somebody to talk to, and not just over the internet. Have you or are you able to get a part time job to maybe help with the money situation?
You seem to not want to talk to your friends because they might see you as pathetic, but if they're real friends they will want to listen to you, and make you feel better. Don't feel as if you're a burden on them, you need a person to share your problems with.
Maybe it will help if you keep focusing on things that you have that others don't have. You're an A grade student and going to Oxford. You also have many friends to socialise with in the weekends, and you won't have to put up with this much longer as you're going to uni very soon.
I'm sorry I couldn't help more, but I just wanted to show I care and I'm sure that if you tell someone close to you about your problems, they will care too.
:fisheye:

Reply 2

white_haired_wizard

16

I can remember reading a similar sounding post of yours a while back, perhaps in December - i have to give alot of respect to you for getting through this, very strong willed of you.

If it is as bad as it sounds, how about contacting people, particular organizations and so on - it sounds an absolute mess, maybe you've done this previously and exhausted many different options. If it is an impossible and there is a no-win and all loss situation, get yourself out of there and find help through the council for accomodation, perhaps you could receive some funding to help you out. Sorry to hear all of this. Another 18 months at 18? Surely you'd be at uni by then? You are moving out to live in rented accomodation at uni arent you?

Reply 3

ads44(+)

hey i just sent u a pm yelwalkietalkie about ur situation

Reply 4

yorkshirelass

OP

14

But I'm not going to Uni soon - it seems like years away and it kind of is... it's a double edged-sword. I hate my parents so much I want to leave home as soon as possible, but because they're the way they are we have no money so I can't even afford to go to Uni this year (at one point I was considering going to Sussex this year instead of Oxford next year, but that's not financially an option). I wish I could get a part time job, but I don't think I could cope on top of school work, going out 1-2 nights a week and dealing with my parents; the latter is like a full-time job in itself. I don't really have any close relatives because I hardly ever see them, I have no siblings and all my cousins are a lot older than me. My aunt has tried to reason with my mum and get her into some sort of psychiatric care, but she refuses to budge.

Reply 5

yorkshirelass

OP

14

wizard

Another 18 months at 18? Surely you'd be at uni by then? You are moving out to live in rented accomodation at uni arent you?

Gap year, and I'm one of the oldest in the year (19 in October).

Reply 6

white_haired_wizard

16

yelwalkietalkie

Gap year, and I'm one of the oldest in the year (19 in October).

well i know you may not believe me, but regardless of how close you are to relatives, you have to be positive about human nature...they may welcome you in with open arms and offer you some assistance in terms of housing, accomodation and food for a temporary period till you sort you head around things (that is re: any distant family/friends/relations you have). Perhaps your best bet is staying at friends houses - akin to an OC type situation, a rather idealist programme it must be said, on channel 4). Also there really needs to be outside assistance regarding your parents, being sick 300 times a day? and the alcoholism too - you dont have some relatives to try and help you out...do they live in your area or close by so you could commute ok to college?

Reply 7

shinyhappy

14

Very tough situation. Why don't you try to move out during your gap year, if you have a job, you may be able to afford rent. Like someone has said, you could try living with a friend, could be a viable option, especially if you had some cash to pay your way. Plus if you're hanging around an extra year, you might have a friend's house with an empty room that they could let you stay in.
Otherwise, really random, but have you tried talking to the Oxford admissions people about your problems? I know it sounds stupid, but if your school could back you up, you could ask whether it would be possible to go in 2006. I know its not very likely, but you might as well try it! The staff and admissions people I met at Pembroke were all very friendly, and seemed like they'd try to help you if they could.
Best of luck, anyway. Hope everything goes well for you!
xxx

Reply 8

yorkshirelass

OP

14

shinyhappy

Very tough situation. Why don't you try to move out during your gap year, if you have a job, you may be able to afford rent. Like someone has said, you could try living with a friend, could be a viable option, especially if you had some cash to pay your way. Plus if you're hanging around an extra year, you might have a friend's house with an empty room that they could let you stay in.
Otherwise, really random, but have you tried talking to the Oxford admissions people about your problems? I know it sounds stupid, but if your school could back you up, you could ask whether it would be possible to go in 2006. I know its not very likely, but you might as well try it! The staff and admissions people I met at Pembroke were all very friendly, and seemed like they'd try to help you if they could.
Best of luck, anyway. Hope everything goes well for you!
xxx

I did think of doing that, but I'm in no financial position to go to University this year, and I actually think working for a year for Uni will be a good experience for me. Plus the fact I got an offer for 2007 when I originally applied for 2006 suggests they don't think I was as good as the people they offered 2006 places to, and I'd rather not have them tell me that directly to me if I did enquire about getting it changed since my confidence is so low as it is right now. The bursary sheets I got from Pembroke seemed to show that unless your family income if under 37K, you're not entitled to any money. I just need to do something entirely different, I think.

How does one go about getting council housing? I don't think I could afford to live outside of my house unless it was really, really subsidised. Although I will be getting a full-time job (Tesco or another supermarket near me), the point of the job is to help me pay my way through Uni, which is why I can't really be spending it all on living costs.

Reply 9

Little Girl Red

1

I'm not sure, but if you ring Pembroke and explain that your parents wont be supporting you through uni, you may find that you are entitled to a bursary. Because the forms will assume that your parents will be helping you financially, but if you ring and explain that they're not, and that you have family problems, I'm betting that you would get practically all the bursaries (seeing as your income would then be substantially lower). It's worth a try!

Reply 10

brimstone

7

Shouldn't social services be involved by now?

Reply 11

GR29KHS

2

Uni is a nightmare - my student loan and part time job didn't even cover my rent, let alone books, tuition fees and living costs.

Have you thought about getting in touch with the Uni you want to go to and talk to a counsellor/chaplain or something? Not that I'm at all suggesting you need counselling, but because they are generally the type of people you can trust to keep your confidence and use tact when helping you deal with your situation. They might be able to help organize something for you as I'm sure a lot of people have had similar problems.

Reply 12

trina

1

I think that when you apply for a student loan and general unibersity funding, you can fill in a special part of the form to sya that your parents can't fund you, so you may be able to get exemption from fees, extra student loan etc.
If oxford want you (which they clearly do) they will go out of their way to make sure that you can pay for it all.
On a seperate note, is there someone at your school/college you could talk to? At one stage I had counselling sessions which were arranged through school. The person who came in was independant of school, it just took place there and it was all confidential. someone like that might be able to help you talk through your feelings and find solutions to the problems you have.
I really hope you can find a solution- it must be very hard for you.

Reply 13

SexyKe

1

If you had counselling it may help with the financial thing as you would have some proof about your parents not supporting you. I really dont know what else to say hun, having both parents like that must be a nightmare. My mums a bit batty and thats bad enough.

Reply 14

shinyhappy

14

I think that there is a system with uni bursaries, that if you are estranged from your parents, you don't have to declare their income. It's a bit more complicated than that, obviously, you'd have to prove that you weren't living with them, and would need backing from your school, and almost certainly social services.
I'm fairly sure it can be done though, it works the same with EMA, if you aren't living with your parents, and aren't getting any money from them, you can claim it. A lad I know from sixth form lives with his boyfriend, he was kicked out by his parents, and is able to claim EMA because of this.
I'm not saying that this is a very good option, but if you end up wanting to leave home that desperately, it would be worth investigating this., it could be of some help when you get to uni
xxx

Fed up

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