What Do I Do?

Hi, i've got a problem which is really getting me down. It's such a complex story, so it's hard to summarise, but i'll try my best.

When I was at school, I had numerous problems. A guy three years above me stalked me, and due to the nature of it, he managed to involve the majority of the school in ruining my life. He's now in prison, but was initially tricky to resume a normal life, having left school with no friends having had them turn on me. I started college and tried to rebuild my life and get a little confidence and trust in people again. I started working at a shop at the weekends. Here I met 'x'. We got on well, and I really liked him. Eventually, we started seeing each other out of work. However, we fell out over something which, as it turned out wasnt his fault. An ex of his got hold of my number, and devised a way in which suggested that he'd only been seeing me to get at her. I was devastated, and didnt even confront 'x', choosing to believe her. I know for a fact that it wasnt true, it was proven by someone else. However, we fell out and didnt speak. Two weeks later, the shop closed so I had no reason to see him. Three months later, in Jan '05, my sister died of leukaemia. I hadn't told him about her. This may appear strange, but I just didnt want people to know; it was something awful that was happening to my family and I wanted to leave it at that. She became progressively more ill at Christmas, 3 months after 'x' and I had fallen out. Because I hadnt listened to him at first, he ignored me. I bumped into him in a club, and was extremely emotional at the time.

In September, I started Uni. Guess who else happened to start there aswell!

We put the issue aside, and often bumped into one another in clubs. We discused what'd happened, and I tried to make him understand what had happened and that I was vunerable. I couldnt bring myself to tell him about her. When the issue of that Christmas was brought up, i told him he'd ruined it for me, but couldnt manage to say the real reason. This has become sommething of a joke, and he often refers to when he ''ruined my christmas''.

Anyway, we flirted a lot during the first semester, and people often asked why we weren't actually a couple.

Sorry this is taking so long, but here's my problem... I've just started seeing someone. He's such a gentleman and I really like him. I told 'x' about it this wek and since then he's ben vile to me. ON the bus today, he humiliated me in front of his friend, who i'd never met, by telling him how ''i'm so into him''. Before christmas, i had invited him back to my halls to have drinks with a few of my friends. Of course, he also persisted in telling his friend how i ''begged him'' to come back with me. It wasnt like that.

I really dont know what it is about him that i cant let go of. I like him, based on how he used to be prior to the last couple of weeks. It seems that he has no regard for my feelings and really gets off on telling people how much i 'like him'.

THis sounds wierd, but it only hit me today, and think its interesting. Some of you may know what I mean. When I was having my problems at school, i used to get a rash that would come up whenever i was upset or nervous etc. Its something of a joke between us that i get this. Dont get me wrong, im only talking about a tiny little rash, but its noticeable. It doesnt happen with anyone else, but it came up majorly on the bus today.

Basically, ill see him in a lecture on monday. We'l end up talking, and he'll pick on me. He probably doesnt realsise he's doing it, but it really hurts me.

I just want him to know this. Before xmas, he told me that the reason he didnt forgive me for the argument was that '' i was the only girl he'd ever really liked and that there wasnt any point in seeing me if i didnt trust him''. Obviosly i couldve brought that up in my defence today, but didnt want to embarrass him i suppose. THerefore i dont think he ,mmeans it, but nevertheless, he shouldnt treat me like this. I want to tell him that, yeah, i did like him, but not anymore. I want him to have a better understanding of things, but just dont know how to go about it.

I know this sounds childish, but our relationship is so strained and his recent turn of behaviour is really getting me down. Im not an unhappy person, id like to get that straight. My life has turned round since i started uni and i try to be positive and happy. Its just that things like this put me back to square one.

Any suggestions about what i should say and how it should be said would be really appreciated. Sorry for the length. x x

Reply 1

kimberley1987

just tell him exactly what youve said- that it hurts you. sorry to hear about your sister, that must have been devastating. I know it must be hard to talk about hher, but its part of your life and he perhaps needs to understand that if he's to understand the real reason for your vunerability. it seems that, right now, he thinks that he's had a real impact. Also, i hope you reaslise that the real reason that he's started being nasty is cos he's jealous that your with someone?

Reply 2

kimberley1987

just tell him exactly what youve said- that it hurts you. sorry to hear about your sister, that must have been devastating. I know it must be hard to talk about her, but its part of your life and he perhaps needs to understand that if he's to understand the real reason for your vunerability. it seems that, right now, he thinks that he's had a real impact. Also, i hope you reaslise that the real reason that he's started being nasty is cos he's jealous that your with someone?

Reply 3

kimberley1987

just tell him exactly what you've said- that it hurts you. sorry to hear about your sister, that must have been devastating. I know it must be hard to talk about her, but its part of your life and he perhaps needs to understand that if he's to understand the real reason for your vunerability. it seems that, right now, he thinks that he's had a real impact on you. Also, i hope you reaslise that the real reason that he's started being nasty is cos he's jealous that your with someone?

Reply 4

kimberley1987

Sorry- just realised i posted that a few too many times, oops!

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

yeah but how do i get around this?

Reply 6

flaming_star

there isnt really a way around it except to confront him or to break off the contact completely which i suppose you dont want to do.
all you can do is say that youve met someone else and you want to stay friends,but his behaviour hurts you.if he really cares about you and likes you why,you shouldnt be worried.just be honest,thats the only way around it

Reply 7

Anonymous #2

Tell him straight off you're not comfortable with the insults. He obviously doesn't know that. The other stuff should work itself out, and go to a pharmacy to get something for the rash. :yy:

Reply 8

Schroedinger's Pandora

Babe when my friend died of cancer last year it knocked me for six. It also made me realise that my number could be up at any given moment and that I absolutely wouldn't let anyone spoil the time I have left. You said somebody at school made your life a misery, and University is your ticket to re-establish yourself as the decent and likable person you are. This guy is set to repeat history for you, and the only person who can change it is you.

He's a waste of space and your life. Its much easier to avoid people at uni than you might think, you are the bigger person here.. show him.

Reply 9

Segat1

Babe - my dad died of luekaemia just before Christmas 4 yrs ago, so I know what you went through :hugs:

- never gets easier telling people, does it?

What you have to do is tell him that you're unhappy with him picking on you and want to stay friends.

If he doesn't take any notice, you need to ignore him AND to document what he does/says to you, in case it gets nasty.
Why not write him a letter, like above and give it to him explaining what happened. That way he can't backchat or pick on you. he's prolly v hurt...

And good luck with the new relationship!

Reply 10

Angelharpist

Aaaw sweetheart - you do seem unfortunate in ending up with the pretty nasty guys!

Chances are he's still hurting about the fact that you effectively dumped him. His ego will be bruised, and his pride in tatters (yes, even now!).

Best thing to do is confront him, tell him everything you've told us. Then invite him out with your current boyfriend and a group of mutual mates to show there are no hard feelings. As long as he knows you still want him as part of your life (as a mate) he shouldn't be too mean towards your new man for much longer...

Hope this helps