If you used Clearing in 2024, how did you find it?

Problem affecting me a lot

this is anonymous because its really personel to me and id be greatful if you could not reveal my identity.

firstly i have to say that one of my brothers has a severe form of autism. he is put on medication and has been trying to have behavioural therapy for ages. when our families etc an visitors come round ours, it is o.k. until sometimes he masturbates in front of them, which is very embarasng and makes me feel horrid inside, its also bcos mom has muslim freinds and relatives so they think its evil and a sin. he cant help it and they know tht but i feel like everyones judgin us nd sometimes i feel very frustrated. hes gettin help for over 10 yrs but its not really workin an i feel like i have noone to talkl to about this. if anyone can help me please help, and if anyone has been in the same situatin please speak and tell me what it was like, i feel like crying because i feel like no one else understands how frustratin it is. thanks.

Sorry to hear of your struggles at the moment.

I am wondering if there is an autism support group in your area- a place where family and friends of autism sufferers can meet and offer each other support. It might be of great comfort to know that you aren't alone in this. Do you have any other family members, such as a trusted sister or auntie that you could talk this over with? Chances are, you aren't alone in your feelings of embarrasment and upset.

As hard as it may seem, there are some cruel people out there who will judge people, regardless if they have a disability. Those people are really not worth the time of day. If you hear rude comments, perhaps try and explain to people what the problem is and if they still continue to mock or make fun then just try and rise above it. Both you and your brother are better than that.

Good luck, and if you ever want to chat, im here.

Lou
xxx

Reply 3

Angelharpist

Markus

I dont think anyone who doesnt have any family members with autism can really quite understand it, must be really weird for you i can understand that.

Just remember, God gives you what he thinks you can handle. it'll be fine, dont get upset about it.[/QUOTE]

Even though I'm not vaguely religious, I agree totally.

Someone up there is preparing you for something - teaching you strength that perhaps you'll need in later life when you land a high-flying job, have 10 kids or end up living on a beach on a deserted tropical island :smile:

Keep looking forwards - there's a reason for everything. *Hug*

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

thanks for your replies, i think i just need to stop caring what they think but its hard bcos its somethin they jus cant understnad i mean if it were a normal person it would be disgracful but since its not, its hard to know what to fdo really, it doesnt make it acceptable but i dont know how to stop this, nd i cant accept it, my mom stops him but after that its too late. i dont want to join a support group mainlyu bcos of time and i suggested it to my mom before but she wont have any of it, and shes not embrrased bout it, its only me with the problem, she says she kjnows people will judge but you cant do much bout it. i just wish i knew someone who knows how i feel.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

thanks, i suppose it will help me be stronge rbut its ruining my confidence at the same time bcos its somethin i have to hide nd i dunno i feel guilty or ashamed of him in a way, thogh this isnt the right thing, i shouldnt be feeling like this. i usually just supress it, but when i think bout it, i feel horrible and that feelin doesnt go away quickly.

Reply 6

littlemissalex

hey, i know 3 people with autism who are of different ages: one is 3, the other 12 and the other 55. I came into close contact with the 55 year old cause last summer when i came to the uk, i helped in a charity shop and he was working there and i was truly amazed by this man. We had to put the sizes of the clothes (you know like the little square coloured tags you put on the hangers..) and he would sit there and count how many there were every time we took one and there'd be loads in there, and he'd do it in a matter of seconds! I remember touching him once, when i tried to congratulate him on doing something well, and he got into a fit and started shouting which scared me a lot.. I dont live with the other two people (the kids) but from what i hear from their families they cause big problems when in public (shouting and crying..) The most important thing is to be understanding and never show that you are angry/upset/embarrassed in front of your brother because it could affect him in a negative way without you wanting to. As the others said, you have to be strong and remember everything happens for a reason. I know it must be very hard for you, but you have to completely ignore what people say/think about your brother. You know what he's like, who he is, and why he acts that way, and others dont (like if you go somewhere and he masturbates in public or something..). You are becoming a stronger person for experiencing this first hand and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! Yes he will do things that might have embarrassed you, but you can even take it as a joke and just look away, or leave the room. I must say, from what i hear about your mum, she sounds absolutely amazing with this and i truly admire her behaviour!
I hope you feel better soon and realize its not bad ( i probably sound patronizing but i definately do not mean to be!!) and you can and will get through this.. stay in there xxx

Reply 7

mademoiselle84

i think you should remember that you were lucky not to be born with such a debilatating disorder and as such make every effort to not let it affect you, other than through genuine concern for your brother. it's ok to resent him, and feel like its not fair! i'm sure anybody would! but you have to try and make the best of things, think positively...i'm sure your brother isn't doing it deliberately!! and anybody that's shocked or sees the family in a bad light because you brother has such a severe disorder, and doesn't understand isn;t worth worriying about! don't let your brother ruin your life, but do show compassion.

Reply 8

chaoringmeister

Perhaps you should let your frustrations out, and make the point that your brother has a disorder, and that the fact is he can't really help himself. And point out that if they're family then they should care about him as much as you do. If they continue to brainlessly rant on about sins, and so on, then just rant at them about autism.

Reply 9

jb_sweden

Markus

Just remember, God gives you what he thinks you can handle.

Is this possible to interpret from a non-religious perspective? If so, could someone please explain?

I have some serious trouble seeing the comforting message here, without the belief in God.

Reply 10

jb_sweden

Anonymous

its also bcos mom has muslim freinds and relatives so they think its evil and a sin.

Religious convictions does not justify ignorance and disrespectful behaviour. (This applies a liberal, western influenced, human rights defined society and its moral laws - which I found the most adequate system implemented as of yet. I felt this parentesis was needed, as some may point out that some religious convictions in themselves may be justify ignorance and disrespect).

Anyhows, back to the real topic. To the creator of this thread: you have my dearest sympathies. I feel with you and hope you will soon start to cope with the situation a lot better. As I have no experience from similar situations, I cannot give you the advice other than to seek help where good help can be found. That is, try your best to find local groups that gives support to relatives of autism, search the net for similar groups (there's tonnes), try to talk about it to someone, get in touch with people in similar positions and so on. There are alot of people out there that actually do know how you feel - I'm certain of it!

You should not be ashamed or anything. Anyone that thinks bad of you, your family or, more importantly, your brother, is that one that should be ashamed. Only bad qualities in a human can lead to such a response towards your brother's condition.

I wish you the best of luck in the future.

Reply 11

Angelharpist

jb_sweden

Is this possible to interpret from a non-religious perspective? If so, could someone please explain?

I have some serious trouble seeing the comforting message here, without the belief in God.

I thought the point of this thread was to offer advice and comfort but oh well...

Shall explain regardless :smile:

I enjoy a challenge :biggrin:

Even though I don't believe in the Christian idea of God, I still believe in a 'higher power' (which all religions call 'God,' be it Allah, the Holy Spirit etc)

The comforting message is that the tribulations and stress are for a reason as they make you stronger and more resilient - psychotheraputic fact, not purely religious. The people who encounter more setbacks earlier in life often become the more determined...look at your average celebrity or athlete! Therefore, enduring a relative's illness or condition means that other situations in life will be easier to cope with.

You may also choose to believe that the universe's karma will eventually balance out, with good, benevolent situations arising to counteract the bad. The art of good, old fashioned positive thinking, as, after all, the glass is always half full :biggrin:

And on a more practical note, the anonymous author of this thread has already explained their 'links' to the Muslim faith, so a religiously-aware post was entirely appropriate.

Should you wish to ruminate further on the existence of God and His relevance to everyday life, please make your way to the 'Religion' Discussion Lounge and allow the author of this thread to have their issues addressed without digression. :p:

Hope that was a reasonable attempt at answering your questions...

Best wishes

Reply 12

Angelil

'whatever does not kill you will only make you stronger' and all that...

Reply 13

jb_sweden

Angelharpist

The comforting message is that the tribulations and stress are for a reason as they make you stronger and more resilient - psychotheraputic fact, not purely religious. The people who encounter more setbacks earlier in life often become the more determined...look at your average celebrity or athlete! Therefore, enduring a relative's illness or condition means that other situations in life will be easier to cope with.

I think this describes a phenomena that to a large extent justifies (from a non-religious perspective) the expression in question. Well done mate! Many thanks.

I don't think we can draw any conclusions about the writer's religious ideas from what have been written here (mom's friends and relatives). So I thought an atheistic perspective to that expression would be appropriate, in case the writer does not share the necessary religious opinions that is needed to draw comfort from it (which Angelharpist now so adequately have shown is not needed).

Reply 14

sr4470

Could you (or your parents) not take these people to one side and explain that the autism causes the behaviour? If they still dont get it, are they really worth talking to?

Reply 15

FireDeuce

Markus

God gives you what he thinks you can handle. .

That has been in my mind for a week now, with everything happening I just say that to myself or to whoever is suffering.

I don't really know if this is my place to say but if the medication isn't working maybe try a new treatment? Brushing is one option, which will make him regress right back to being a toddler but maybe then he won't do it?

Sorry i suck with advice when I don't know people with it.

Reply 16

minimo

I know next to nothing about autism, so I don't want to offer any paltry advice in that area. :smile:

But what I do think, is that if people ie 'friends' are looking down on your family for the reason that your brother has a disability and can't control what he does, then they arn't your friends. And this is coming from a Catholic. If you are truly religious, then you love your neighbour as yourself.

Reply 17

Mark S

FireDeuce

That has been in my mind for a week now, with everything happening I just say that to myself or to whoever is suffering.

Its a good thing to remember if you're religious, even if you're not, it still makes sense to a certain extent.

When i heard it, it somehow made me stronger.

Reply 18

zed007

I have a brother who is autistic (hes 15) and i can understand how you feel. As ive grown up with him i understand how his autism affects his behaviour - there have always been people who just havent been able to accept him because of his disorder. They tend to be judgemental - total strangers have even made comments about his behaviour in the street coz they think hes just being rude or naughty etc (particularly when he was younger). Its so frustrating as they just dont understand and they never will either.

The best thing i've learnt is to just ignore people and their negative opinions. All of my family just take each day as it comes, we know what hes like and we know how to deal with his behaviour. If other people have a problem with it, we just explain that he has autism and he cant help the way he acts. If they still cant accept it, we just leave it.
I know what you mean about feeling ashamed. A few years ago people at school started making nasty comments about my brother, like every day, and i felt helpless and embarrassed by him. But later on i realised that it was them that had a problem, not me. Dont let it ruin your confidence.

You cant change the way things are but you can change the way you cope. Dont feel ashamed, im sure youre a good help to your brother as you seem to be an understanding person. If you ever need to talk just pm me and i hope you feel better :smile: