GOGSoc Episode V: The GOG Strikes Back

Original post by apotoftea

I've been semi seeing a guy, very nice et al but apparently being a PhD student isn't good enough girlfriend material. I mean really?! :banghead:

agree with athena, his loss tbh.

Reply 2025

Drogue

19

Original post by apotoftea

Christ knows what it means! I think there is an issue over what I actually do on a day to day basis and I guess if you've never had a friend who's done a PhD how would you know what it involves? I got the 'I'm 7 years into my career and you've not started one yet' speech. Kindly pointed out that without doing a PhD I can't get into the career I want (whether academia or heritage) and that it's my training contract as such. But it's still a shallow/weird excuse (amongst others no doubt) and I've told him that I refuse to be his friend with benefits whilst he's looking around. It's not like I'm head over heels seeing love hearts and birds singing everywhere with him. Still hurts though.

And I've got a date with someone else next week :biggrin:

Wow, seven years into a career and doesn't understand what a PhD is. I would kinda understand it if it were about having different lifestyles or somesuch, but it just seems like snobbery. Also, I'm guessing this guy is a fair bit older than you, having 7 years experience already? If so, it seems a bit stupid to date a younger girl then take issue with her not being as far along a career path as you.

I could understand it causing tension if one of you was earning money and the other wasn't (purely for practical reasons), but this just seems weird. Definitely go for the not worth the hassle. As for him thinking you could be FWB while he looks for someone else, it just shows how far up his own ass he is. That's an ego worthy of a premiership footballer.

Reply 2026

Craghyrax

Original post by sj27

I went from definitely not wanting kids, to really wanting them, almost overnight. It was more of a biological clock suddenly ringing than slowly ticking louder and louder (that's a really corny/crap analogy... sorry :tongue:

)

That's very encouraging to hear, to be honest. Because I sort of see having kids as one of those experiences you don't want to miss in life, but at the same time really can't see myself enjoying them.

Original post by apotoftea

I've been semi seeing a guy, very nice et al but apparently being a PhD student isn't good enough girlfriend material. I mean really?! :banghead:

AKA 'my-girlfriend-being-more-smart-than-me-is-not-cool-for-my-ego'.

Just as well you discovered his unsuitability before you got too attached!

Reply 2027

obi_adorno_kenobi

Original post by Drogue

That's an ego worthy of a premiership footballer.

Or a tenured academic! :tongue:

Reply 2028

ice_cube

Just for the flipside (because I like to think the best in people :o:

) it depends a bit whether he meant 'not good enough', or 'not right for me' and phrased it wrong. If he's a bit older, its not inconceivable that he wants to settle down, be couply and have children in the nearish future. And is aware that if you are just starting a PhD you won't want to do that any time soon. Or maybe he thinks that as you are still a student you will have different lifestyles and wont fit together (most of my PhD friends spend a lot of time in the pub and being up till 4am, which isnt the easiest thing to live with if you work 9-5.

Obviously that may not be the case, but just throwing it out there. And if it is the 'not good enough' side, then, well, dickhead.

Reply 2029

Original post by sj27

(I do kind of wonder if he isn't intimidated by the fact that you are doing a PhD actually....some guys just don't like their girlfriends smarter than they are ... assuming he doesn't have a PhD here of course!)

But here's hoping the date next week goes well! :dance:

This is sooooo true. My dad is having a huge problem trying to marry off my sister because she's deemed over-qualified for a lot of Sinhala men, who would prefer their wife to be less intelligent. Doesn't help that my sister now works for Harvard, MIT and Massachussetts General Hospital (which is apparently the second best hospital in the States) :no:

Also that my sister is a scary mofo :biggrin:

So the combination of all those factors puts off a lot of families :sadnod:

I also hope the date next week goes well! :awesome:

Reply 2030

apotoftea

OP

19

Original post by sj27

I don't get what the being at different stages of the career has to do with anything tbh ... :hugs:

sorry about this. (I do kind of wonder if he isn't intimidated by the fact that you are doing a PhD actually....some guys just don't like their girlfriends smarter than they are ... assuming he doesn't have a PhD here of course!)

But here's hoping the date next week goes well! :dance:

Ha, who knows? And no, no PhD.

Original post by the_alba

Sounds as if he is definitely not worth it - anyone that hung up on status has problems. I've been ten years behind my boyfriend career-wise since forever, and the sense of playing catch-up or not achieving as much is hard enough on its own, without the feeling that you're being disapproved of for petty reasons.

Exactly. And given how lonely/tough/hideous PhD life is, being made to feel even smaller isn't a good thing IMHO. I'd had such a bad week pre him saying that anyway so you can imagine how belittled I felt!

Original post by Cora Lindsay

Good plan. Hope it goes well

Original post by Socrates

agree with athena, his loss tbh.

Thanks

Original post by Drogue

x

He's only 4 years older but went straight from uni into career. Even so... hmmppff.

Original post by Craghyrax

Just as well you discovered his unsuitability before you got too attached!

Hahaha

Original post by ice_cube

x

Oh I totally agree as he may well be looking for a wife and that's fair enough but he's known since before we met (online dating hurrah :wink:

) that I was a Phd student so... And he has a more active social life than I do! I dunno, tis weird. As stuff like 'well I've traveled lots and you haven't; I eat anything, you have more narrow tastes' have also come up. Neither of which have caused any issue and prevented him from doing something so far :rolleyes:

They just seem like really really pathetic reasons, or maybe even excuses?

Am looking forward to next week - he's a year younger than me but so far seems far more accepting of life... :smile:

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 2031

Craghyrax

Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd

This is sooooo true. My dad is having a huge problem trying to marry off my sister because she's deemed over-qualified for a lot of Sinhala men, who would prefer their wife to be less intelligent. Doesn't help that my sister now works for Harvard, MIT and Massachussetts General Hospital (which is apparently the second best hospital in the States) :no:

Also that my sister is a scary mofo :biggrin:

So the combination of all those factors puts off a lot of families :sadnod:

I also hope the date next week goes well! :awesome:

Did you see Strictly Soulmates? Not usually my kind of thing, but a friend brought it to my attention because it looked at relationships and marriage traditions in different religions. I found it really interesting!

Reply 2032

The Lyceum

13

Original post by Craghyrax

Did you see Strictly Soulmates? Not usually my kind of thing, but a friend brought it to my attention because it looked at relationships and marriage traditions in different religions. I found it really interesting!

That sounds really interesting actually! My favourite marriage custom definitely has to be old school Doric Greek i.e put fake beard on wife after abducting her so as to avoid jealousy until you...erm..."claim" her.

Reply 2033

Original post by Craghyrax

Did you see Strictly Soulmates? Not usually my kind of thing, but a friend brought it to my attention because it looked at relationships and marriage traditions in different religions. I found it really interesting!

No I didn't. Was it recent? Would it be on iPlayer? Could do with something good to watch to cheer me up/keep me awake :biggrin:

Reply 2034

Craghyrax

Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd

No I didn't. Was it recent? Would it be on iPlayer? Could do with something good to watch to cheer me up/keep me awake :biggrin:

No its not on iplayer anymore, sorry.
But it had examples just like that. Loads of Hindu/Muslim women who were doctors or something like that, and struggling to find people, even through matchmakers and the family grapevine.

I took it with a pinch of salt, though, as they obviously tried to find the most traditional and religious examples. The episode on Christians was just crazy.

Reply 2035

Original post by Craghyrax

No its not on iplayer anymore, sorry.
But it had examples just like that. Loads of Hindu/Muslim women who were doctors or something like that, and struggling to find people, even through matchmakers and the family grapevine.

I took it with a pinch of salt, though, as they obviously tried to find the most traditional and religious examples. The episode on Christians was just crazy.

A shame, I would have been interested in seeing it. Luckily Sri Lankan men don't mind their women being medical doctors - some only want a doctor wife. No other professions/jobs. But PhD is a bit of a no-go. Unfortunately my dad didn't realise that when he pushed my sister into doing a PhD :rolleyes:

Reply 2036

Feefifofum

16

I saw the Christian episode of that program. It was interesting but they chose some really extreme examples like Craggy said, it wasn't entirely representative. The London Christian TV presenter is an obvious example...

EDIT: Depending on your stand on such things ( :creep:

), there are places that you can still watch 2 of the episodes online...

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 2037

sj27

14

Original post by apotoftea

Ha, who knows? And no, no PhD.
....

He's only 4 years older but went straight from uni into career. Even so... hmmppff.
...
Oh I totally agree as he may well be looking for a wife and that's fair enough but he's known since before we met (online dating hurrah :wink:

) that I was a Phd student so... And he has a more active social life than I do! I dunno, tis weird. As stuff like 'well I've traveled lots and you haven't; I eat anything, you have more narrow tastes' have also come up. Neither of which have caused any issue and prevented him from doing something so far :rolleyes:

They just seem like really really pathetic reasons, or maybe even excuses?

Am looking forward to next week - he's a year younger than me but so far seems far more accepting of life... :smile:

I do still wonder if he doesn't feel inferior intellectually and all these are excuses to cover that up!

Hmmm....I did actually once go out with someone who told me "if you become a proper vegetarian it will be very difficult for me to stay with you" (I'm not vegetarian but very seldom eat meat). This from someone who professed to want to marry me. It wasn't the reason I eventually broke up with him, but it was a clue. Reading all the above.... I agree with the view that luckily you've found all this out before you got too entangled. Just because he's done things like travelling that you haven't, I mean, so what? What does he want, a female version of himself???

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 2038

sj27

14

Original post by Craghyrax

No its not on iplayer anymore, sorry.
But it had examples just like that. Loads of Hindu/Muslim women who were doctors or something like that, and struggling to find people, even through matchmakers and the family grapevine.

I took it with a pinch of salt, though, as they obviously tried to find the most traditional and religious examples. The episode on Christians was just crazy.

Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd

A shame, I would have been interested in seeing it. Luckily Sri Lankan men don't mind their women being medical doctors - some only want a doctor wife. No other professions/jobs. But PhD is a bit of a no-go. Unfortunately my dad didn't realise that when he pushed my sister into doing a PhD :rolleyes:

I guess this is part of the reason why some women from traditional backgrounds eventually end up marrying out of their faiths? Funnily enough I've know two couples of Jewish men/Hindu women (both the latter university educated). One broke down under intense family pressure from both sides, the other are going strong with two kids.

Reply 2039