Boyfriend's premature ejaculation, please help guys? Watch

Anonymous #1
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So obviously this is quite a sensitive subject, and its been upsetting both my boyfriend and me over the past couple of weeks.

The first time we were sexual together, he came too fast and was mortified. But after that everything was pretty much fine, and he could go several rounds of sex with me.

Then other times it took him a while to get a second erection after he's came the first time (this was new to me, was past boyfriends had been able to get an erection again relatively quickly, and made me feel a bit like I wasn't attractive enough). He assured me that wasn't the case.

Now, that^ was also whilst we were using condoms. I went on the pill (and he confessed to not being keen on condoms), but he's had a hard time adjusting to the sensitivity. Eventually he did seem to adjust but then a few nights ago:

We started having intercourse and he came quite quickly. I was left unsatisfied, and no matter how much stroking, kissing etc he couldn't get hard for a second time. He felt awful about this, and offered to satisfy me in another way, I let him, but still, its the intimacy with him I want. We decided to leave sex again until morning - come morning, he was hard but once we started having sex...he claimed he felt like he'd come (but hadn't ejaculated!!). He claimed this is what happened, but I took this as him going soft inside me.

I always thought this (erectile dysfunction) was a problem that occurred in older men, not a fit young guy. He says he feels pressure to perform even though I just try to comfort after it and tell him not to worry. I feel more and more unattractive, and he feels worse and worse ('I can't satisfy you').

I just can't understand how this has issue has arisen now, and been fine other times. :confused: What can we do?
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Anonymous #2
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I don't feel like I can help you with the main issue here I'm sorry, but I will just say that my boyfriend has never got a second erection any sooner than at least 2 hours after having had sex etc. If I try to stimulate one he asks me not to and says it is physically painful for him as it is too sensitive after he has ejaculated for a while. Maybe this is the case with your boyfriend on that front.
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hvh
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Firstly, I think you should try and put your insecurities aside because however **** you're feeling about it, he is feeling a hell of a lot worse.

Feeling pressured into performing can cause guys to ejaculate too quickly, or even lose thier erection. I think claiming he has "erectile dysfunction" is pretty extreme! Are you the first person he has had sex with, without a condom? If so, it can take more than "a few weeks" for him to adjust to the heightened sensitivity.

Going soft inside of you; think about it. The last few times you've had sex he has came to quickly. He is worried that he is going to do this again & therefore he isn't focussing on sex and enjoying it, his just plain worried.

Oh and no matter how much your past boyfriends managed to get it up quickly after ejaculation - not every man is the same. You should accept this and not compare him to your ex's.

Don't give up, try not to put pressure on sex by planning it (By this I mean, dont text him saying you can't wait to **** him later as this will get him worried the second he receive this text! Make sure sex is random)
If you don't want him to come to quickly, alternate between things. Have penetrative sex for a little while and when his getting too excited pull off of him and play for a little bit with foreplay.

Worst comes to worse... slap a condom back on and see what happens.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by hvh)
Firstly, I think you should try and put your insecurities aside because however **** you're feeling about it, he is feeling a hell of a lot worse.

Feeling pressured into performing can cause guys to ejaculate too quickly, or even lose thier erection. I think claiming he has "erectile dysfunction" is pretty extreme! Are you the first person he has had sex with, without a condom? If so, it can take more than "a few weeks" for him to adjust to the heightened sensitivity.

Going soft inside of you; think about it. The last few times you've had sex he has came to quickly. He is worried that he is going to do this again & therefore he isn't focussing on sex and enjoying it, his just plain worried.

Oh and no matter how much your past boyfriends managed to get it up quickly after ejaculation - not every man is the same. You should accept this and not compare him to your ex's.

Don't give up, try not to put pressure on sex by planning it (By this I mean, dont text him saying you can't wait to **** him later as this will get him worried the second he receive this text! Make sure sex is random)
If you don't want him to come to quickly, alternate between things. Have penetrative sex for a little while and when his getting too excited pull off of him and play for a little bit with foreplay.

Worst comes to worse... slap a condom back on and see what happens.
I know, you're right. It's just...it does make me feel like that so I can't help that. But I do know I need to try and put it aside because I have no idea how lousy he must be feeling.

The thing is, it has happened sort of randomly the last couple of times (but having said that, we always have sex whenever alone together, so I guess it's never really random as sort of know its going to happen?)

Well, recently he said he thought he was going to come quickly, so we stopped and engaged in oral sex instead. He came, and then couldn't have sex later.

Maybe I should suggest we don't have sex for a while (to take the pressure off him?). I don't want that to be a long-term thing obviously but just so he gets comfortable in realising that I want to be with him, as I think he's now getting hung up on his 'performance' that he's started worrying I'll leave.

I think it might be worth trying condoms again. Thanks for your reply.
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CaligulazBaby
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by CaligulazBaby)
It sounds a lot like nerves more than anything else. As for getting hard again...it's dependant on the situation. I've ejaculated, gone soft inside her, then gone hard again before having a chance to withdraw. Then other occasions I've ejaculated quickly, then not got an erection again for the rest of the night.

If I were you (and this might be horrible to read)...if I were youuu....I would completely abstain from sex and act like everything's normal. Don't talk to him about it, the more you talk about it the more of an issue it becomes. Just be confident in yourself that this sort of thing happens sometimes and it's not your fault. Carry on doing whatever you normally do but don't do anything sexual, no matter how much you want it.

Eventually it will hit sort of an auto-reset button and the urge to **** will become so over-whelming for him that any nerves or pressure will disappear.

Either that or you guys just have naturally poor sexual chemistry and there's nothing you can do.
I have stronger chemistry with him than I've had with my past two boyfriends. Its intoxicating sometimes :p: Sometimes the kisses are so lovely/amazing that I think, well he must feel the same way. But now I'm wondering, maybe it's not the same for him?

On our earliest dates he'd sometimes be unable to look away from me/we'd get locked in eachothers gaze whilst mid-conversation...:p: The same thing happens now, so I just.don't.get it.

As for abstaining: I think you're right. What if he still offers to pleasure me? I think I'd prefer to just take sex off the menu altogether for a while, without him getting offended.
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CaligulazBaby
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by CaligulazBaby)
If you're happy with the sexual chemistry then it'll just be nerves or something.

I had a bout of this when I used Champix (script drug) to help me give up smoking and one of the side-effects was a loss of libido. I'd just got with an ex-gf at the time so I know how awkward the whole affair feels.

If he offers it then tease him, make it fun and like a game. Something like positioning your pussy on the tip of his penis but not letting him. I just think it's more important that you avoid making sexual advances or even hinting at anything sexual until he makes the first move.
Doing that when he does initiate sex you mean? Won't that seem like I'm messing him about when hes finally got the confidence up again? ha ha.
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CaligulazBaby
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by CaligulazBaby)
Noooo lol. You're gonna let him in. The teasy stuff is to keep it fun. It's a good thing to learn anyway, not many women know how to tease.
I do tease...not purposefully, but because teasing him comes naturally to me.

I've done it before with kissing and at first he thought I was pulling back and not wanting to kiss him! He doesn't seem to 'get it' as much. Maybe it just takes practice for some people.
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systeric
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I know, you're right. It's just...it does make me feel like that so I can't help that. But I do know I need to try and put it aside because I have no idea how lousy he must be feeling.

The thing is, it has happened sort of randomly the last couple of times (but having said that, we always have sex whenever alone together, so I guess it's never really random as sort of know its going to happen?)

Well, recently he said he thought he was going to come quickly, so we stopped and engaged in oral sex instead. He came, and then couldn't have sex later.

Maybe I should suggest we don't have sex for a while (to take the pressure off him?). I don't want that to be a long-term thing obviously but just so he gets comfortable in realising that I want to be with him, as I think he's now getting hung up on his 'performance' that he's started worrying I'll leave.

I think it might be worth trying condoms again. Thanks for your reply.
I wouldn't do that to be honest. Think about it. If your boyfriend is worried he's not performing how will this suggestion make him feel? Even more sexually inadequate.

As said above, this is not erectile dysfunction. It's not usual for a guy to take some time to regain his erection after ejaculating. It doesn't mean he's not that attracted to you or has a low sex drive.

So I'd just focus on getting him to last longer first time round. Obviously going back to condoms is an option but it's not actually that hard to stop yourself from ejactulating once you know how. Unless you 'tighten' your penis a bit (using the same muscles you'd use to hold in a piss) you probably aren't going to come. So just getting him to relax his penis and slow down a bit when he's feeling close to the edge should hopefully solve the problem.
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Anonymous #3
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The poor guy is obviously nervous. Someone has already got it spot on by saying that the more this is happening the worse he is feeling. Are you his first girlfriend/sexual partner? He's probably thinking that you're #1 comparing him to other guys and #2 getting frustrated because of #1 and thinking of bailing on him. I remember being with a girl who'd slept with a few guys, and being rather inexperienced myself i was constantly thinking like this no matter how much reassurance she gave me. I think it still stops me from showing any interest in girls i like now.

I don't think abstaining from sex would do any favours. Don't plan it ahead or anything, if you're usually the one initiating things just stop and wait for him. If he's feeling confident enough to do that it's probably a good sign.
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CaligulazBaby
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by midlandsman)
I wouldn't do that to be honest. Think about it. If your boyfriend is worried he's not performing how will this suggestion make him feel? Even more sexually inadequate.

As said above, this is not erectile dysfunction. It's not usual for a guy to take some time to regain his erection after ejaculating. It doesn't mean he's not that attracted to you or has a low sex drive.

So I'd just focus on getting him to last longer first time round. Obviously going back to condoms is an option but it's not actually that hard to stop yourself from ejactulating once you know how. Unless you 'tighten' your penis a bit (using the same muscles you'd use to hold in a piss) you probably aren't going to come. So just getting him to relax his penis and slow down a bit when he's feeling close to the edge should hopefully solve the problem.
(Original post by Anonymous)
The poor guy is obviously nervous. Someone has already got it spot on by saying that the more this is happening the worse he is feeling. Are you his first girlfriend/sexual partner? He's probably thinking that you're #1 comparing him to other guys and #2 getting frustrated because of #1 and thinking of bailing on him. I remember being with a girl who'd slept with a few guys, and being rather inexperienced myself i was constantly thinking like this no matter how much reassurance she gave me. I think it still stops me from showing any interest in girls i like now.

I don't think abstaining from sex would do any favours. Don't plan it ahead or anything, if you're usually the one initiating things just stop and wait for him. If he's feeling confident enough to do that it's probably a good sign.
The problem is guys; the last time he felt confident and initiated, this is exactly what happened. :confused:

midlandsman - ^ so following on from that, he'll initiate/seem confident but the same thing happens...making us both feel rubbish again. I'm glad he's enthusiastic, but it often ends the same way regardless. Because of this, I kind of do want to suggest that we kiss and touch, then gradually work our way back up...

Obviously I'm not wanting to make him feel more inadequate, but he himself knows that what we're doing just now isn't working - so something has to change. Some amount of time to get hard again, I understand. But this was half an hour or so later and still nothing was happening?

Lastly: I've asked him to control his erection, so that he slows down close to ejaculation. He can sometimes do this without cumming, then other times he can't. I think I got a bit huffy saying I'm sure he could control it if he tried...to which he said he couldn't and said 'It's not like I'm bull******** you, or not trying.'

anon 3 - I've been considering this, and think it may be the case. And yes, I'm his first sexual partner. Did you ever express to her that you felt this way? Because I obviously I wonder if I need to broach it...
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systeric
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(Original post by Anonymous)
midlandsman - ^ so following on from that, he'll initiate/seem confident but the same thing happens...making us both feel rubbish again. I'm glad he's enthusiastic, but it often ends the same way regardless. Because of this, I kind of do want to suggest that we kiss and touch, then gradually work our way back up...

Obviously I'm not wanting to make him feel more inadequate, but he himself knows that what we're doing just now isn't working - so something has to change. Some amount of time to get hard again, I understand. But this was half an hour or so later and still nothing was happening?

Lastly: I've asked him to control his erection, so that he slows down close to ejaculation. He can sometimes do this without cumming, then other times he can't. I think I got a bit huffy saying I'm sure he could control it if he tried...to which he said he couldn't and said 'It's not like I'm bull******** you, or not trying.'
I don't really feel you've taken on board what I said.

It is not unusual to need 30 mins or more to regain your erection. Forget about working on that as it's just one of those things. If this was some sort of erectile dysfunction then he'd have trouble getting it up the first time round, which he obviously doesn't.

All you need to do is sort out the pre-ejaculation problem. Who needs a second erection if you can last 30 mins plus?

I don't see how abstaining for a while will help in any way. Practice is what will solve the problem. If he's out of the game for a while then what will happen when you next have sex? His **** will think 'OMG I'm in a vagina again - must act fast!' and he'll come quicker than ever. And I don't think it's that relevant who initiates things.

He just needs to work out the right techniques for holding back. Slowing down close to orgasm can work but is very hit and miss. If you get slightly TOO close then you get past the point of no return and nothing will stop you coming. Besides, the speed you're going at is by no means the most important thing. What he needs to be doing is relaxing his **** as I described above, which should stop him from getting near that point of no return in the first place.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by midlandsman)
I don't really feel you've taken on board what I said.

It is not unusual to need 30 mins or more to regain your erection. Forget about working on that as it's just one of those things. If this was some sort of erectile dysfunction then he'd have trouble getting it up the first time round, which he obviously doesn't.

All you need to do is sort out the pre-ejaculation problem. Who needs a second erection if you can last 30 mins plus?

I don't see how abstaining for a while will help in any way. Practice is what will solve the problem. If he's out of the game for a while then what will happen when you next have sex? His **** will think 'OMG I'm in a vagina again - must act fast!' and he'll come quicker than ever. And I don't think it's that relevant who initiates things.

He just needs to work out the right techniques for holding back. Slowing down close to orgasm can work but is very hit and miss. If you get slightly TOO close then you get past the point of no return and nothing will stop you coming. Besides, the speed you're going at is by no means the most important thing. What he needs to be doing is relaxing his **** as I described above, which should stop him from getting near that point of no return in the first place.
When you say as described above, how do you mean exactly?

Surely if he'sfocusing on realising when he gets to that point...he's not going to be relaxed, because he's concentrating? I've asked him to do this and he says he is trying, but also said that its unnatural. Unnatural or not, he's going to have to do it if we're to work through this.

He also said that even if we slow down, pull out and do something else...if he's to re-enter say 5 mins later, he'll be at the exact same point as when he pulled out and it won't stop him cumming :confused:

I have a question for you then.. If you think abstaining is the wrong path to go down, and we should carry on having sex. Do you think we should

a) keep having sex and if cums early I let him (and let him finish me off another way) for a while, just so the pressure is off - or is that a bad idea because then he'll get use to PE?

or

b) ask him to keep trying to recognise the stopping and starting? I feel at such a loss because he says he says he is doing this...but it doesn't really work.
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systeric
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(Original post by Anonymous)
When you say as described above, how do you mean exactly?

Surely if he'sfocusing on realising when he gets to that point...he's not going to be relaxed, because he's concentrating? I've asked him to do this and he says he is trying, but also said that its unnatural. Unnatural or not, he's going to have to do it if we're to work through this.

He also said that even if we slow down, pull out and do something else...if he's to re-enter say 5 mins later, he'll be at the exact same point as when he pulled out and it won't stop him cumming :confused:

I have a question for you then.. If you think abstaining is the wrong path to go down, and we should carry on having sex. Do you think we should

a) keep having sex and if cums early I let him (and let him finish me off another way) for a while, just so the pressure is off - or is that a bad idea because then he'll get use to PE?

or

b) ask him to keep trying to recognise the stopping and starting? I feel at such a loss because he says he says he is doing this...but it doesn't really work.
He shouldn't really need to stop and start, slow down all the time and constantly watch out for when he's about to come. As you say, that just places too much pressure on him. It's easy to get it wrong and the whole experience won't be that enjoyable for either of you.

If he just starts off sex with a 'relaxed' **** and continues that way then he shouldn't get to the point of no return until he wants to.

A tense **** - i.e. one which will *** - feels like it does when you're holding in a piss. The PC muscles are clenched. The female equivalent I guess would be clenching your vagina like in a kegel exercise.

On the other hand if you don't allow the PC muscles to clench then you're unlikely to ejaculate.

I'd encourage him to try this, but without putting too much pressure on him to get it right first time. It might be easier if he just practices whilst masturbating.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by midlandsman)
He shouldn't really need to stop and start, slow down all the time and constantly watch out for when he's about to come. As you say, that just places too much pressure on him. It's easy to get it wrong and the whole experience won't be that enjoyable for either of you.

If he just starts off sex with a 'relaxed' **** and continues that way then he shouldn't get to the point of no return until he wants to.

A tense **** - i.e. one which will *** - feels like it does when you're holding in a piss. The PC muscles are clenched. The female equivalent I guess would be clenching your vagina like in a kegel exercise.

On the other hand if you don't allow the PC muscles to clench then you're unlikely to ejaculate.

I'd encourage him to try this, but without putting too much pressure on him to get it right first time. It might be easier if he just practices whilst masturbating.
How can I get him to 'relax' his penis then?
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
anon 3 - I've been considering this, and think it may be the case. And yes, I'm his first sexual partner. Did you ever express to her that you felt this way? Because I obviously I wonder if I need to broach it...
I did eventually. My biggest worry was that my girl had a fair bit of sexual experience, and suddenly she had to go back to square one and teach me how to do everything. I was thinking that this would frustrate her and she'd leave me for someone 'better'. Your guy is probably thinking that way too, he's never had a girlfriend before and he's so nervous that he will **** things up. I'd be careful about bringing it up directly but you need to show him what you've shown us - that you care about him and you want to help him out. Once he knows that you're not frustrated or having a giggle with your friends about this, he should relax more.

I think the last suggestion that he practices on his own is a good one, he should be more relaxed by himself and that'll help him get used to it
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systeric
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(Original post by Anonymous)
How can I get him to 'relax' his penis then?
I've tried to make that as clear as I can. Just get him to clench the muscles he would use to cut off a piss mid-flow. Then tell him that if he keeps those same muscles unclenched during sex/masturbation, he shouldn't come so easily.

Do let us know how he gets on next time!
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