Hi
I really hope to get away and I shall do this, but I'm so worried and anxious right now.
One thing I like about the West is the individuality and freedom of choice we get. But in my family, those things are never really taken into consideration.
But I feel as though no matter what, my parents will always be there, constantly looking over my shoulder and trying to control me. I remember telling me counsellor once that I feel as though there will still be problems, they will still want to mould me into something I'm not, and they will put expectations on me. He managed to figure this out, through things like relationships, career, kids, etc.
All my life I have always been expected to be something I'm not. Whether it was at school or my own parents. And I don't think I can take this anymore. I want my life to be my own, but I don't believe it ever will be. I feel like I am constantly fighting a battle, I feel like I'm in prison, and I feel as though I am suffocating every single day to the point where I want to kill myself. I wish I had never been born into this family and this world. I feel so sick right now, and so sick of everything. When can I ever be me and not feel ashamed? It's hard when people make you feel ashmed for not fitting into the 'norm' and then you are shunned, like I have done throughout my life. I guess they expect me to be conditioned into a particular way of thinking and being. Sometimes I wish I had succeeded at my suicide attempt. Sure it would have been so devastating to my friends but at least I'd be free. I feel so oppressed.
I say all this because recently I've been very upset and uncomfortable with things my parents have been saying on things like race. They make such racist comments about mixed marriages, mixed race people, people that we know who are in mixed relationships, believing that people should stick to their own, annd the whole awful idea of being British, and the whole idea of multicultralism. I know people are entitled to their opinion but quite frankly I'm sick of it, my siblings and I find it so uncomfortable.
For example, there is a guy at my church who I've known for years. He is currently going out with a white girl. My mum started making comments about it, saying that it is wrong, saying that he hasn't been raised well, if they were to have kids they wouldn't belong anywhere (isn't that ironic, considering I don't know where to belong sometimes and feeling like I have a complete loss of identity, sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who the hell I am and how my life got to this point) and saying that the guy is stupid (to be honest he is quite smart and very hardworking) an that his whole family think they are white people (they are black btw). I said that I didn't really give a damn about what he does (as in who he dates), and my mum said that I should give a damn.
My dad in particular is so aggressive and negative about everything including this that it is disgusting. But then again, my dad has always been negative, abusive and aggressive and that has had a negative impact on me. I can't be different otherwise it is the worst thing in the world for him, everyone in the family should think like he doesn't. His way of thinking or no way of thinking. The ironic thing about this is that one of my brothers has had a girlfriend who is white, but obviously he had to keep it a secret.
Why on earth did my parents come here, stay here, and raise their kids here, especially in London? I know they say that they are planning on building a house in Nigeria to live in where they will live when they return to Nigeria. I think I might have to start planning on cutting my parents out of my life. How could they treat me like this? They make such horrible comments. Now don't get me wrong. I understand how this world is. I understand race issues totally. I am not naive and I am not stupid. I have always been suspicious of humans and the human race, hence growing scepticism (and even a bit of cynicism) over the years. But some of what my parents say is totally unacceptable, it's embarrasing to call them parents (which they don't deserve to be).
Another issue is this - I believe I am on the verge of becoming agnostic (my family are Christians). I would like to explore all religions entirely, before seeing how I feel myself. It's a long story but my family wouldn't accept me being religious. Anyway from a young age I have always questioned god, but going through what I went through as a child damaged my self-esteem, faith and trust in god and faith in humanity. I feel as though (if god exists) the He put me in the wrong body, wrong family, and wrong way fo life.
I know it seems like I'm ranting on, but I had to let this all out, I feel like a ticking time bomb. I can sense another nervous breaking coming in the next few months or years.
Now what do I do? I'm at a loss here, I don't have the strength to live or cope anymore. This question is not only open to just you, but to others. I am sorry this is long, but I can't take this anymore. Sometimes I feel like running away and never coming back every again.