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I feel so disconnected from my parents' culture...and it has been making me depressed

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Original post by Anonymous
Hahaha! :lol:

I know what you mean, a lot of them do are like that (talking loudly and arriving late).

I have eaten Nigerian foods all my life. And I understand the language, but I want to learn more of it and speak more of it (I only speak a little bit).


What language? Nigerian?
Reply 161
Original post by Anonymous
What language? Nigerian?


Igbo
Reply 162
Original post by Crazy Paving
:rofl2: Finally a good Nigerian girl.



KMT, I am Igbo, not Yoruba. :angry:


I never said that you were Igbo.
Reply 163
Original post by Wahala


then don't mention my name, i'm like the candy man :colone:

Lool

Original post by someonesomewherexx
I'm Yoruba, but I happen to have very posh relatives who don't believe in such practices...Lol


Kmt its the best bit
Original post by Ebuwa
I never said that you were Igbo.


You were speaking to me in Yoruba kmt.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi

Please keep anon.

I really don't know how to explain this, so please bear with me. I have had a very turbulent childhood. I was abused from a young age until into my late teens. It's only when I attempted suicide nearly a couple of years ago that the abuse is becoming non-existant but I still suffer with the emotional scars, self-destructive tendancies, dangerous negative feelings and suicidal thoughts. I have written a couple of threads before on my situations:

http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1514118

http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=30457186

My problem is I feel so disconnected with my parents' culture sometimes. I know the food we eat, and family values. I understand the language but I can't speak it :frown: I was born and brought up in Britain so this is the place I call home but I don't want to lose my roots despite what has happened. I wish my parents had spoken more of the language from a young age rather than speaking English to me most of the time. So I want to know about keeping in touch with my roots? I still consider myself British, but I am made to feel like an outcast because I am not perfect and don't know every single thing about Nigeria and can't speak the language.

Sometimes I feel negative about the culture, because of the abuse (the abuse is very much linked to the culture, because that's how a lot of families treat their kids where my parents are from, and kids don't have much of a voice or a social standing). Also there is the lack of individuality and lack of freedom of choice. Maybe that's why there is so much negativity inside me, because my parents spent most of my childhood abusing me and not being very encouraging instead of immersing me in the culture (positive aspects) and language a lot more than they did.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense....but I needed to vent...I am trying to familiarise myself with culture...but I need some advice...

Thanks


you can start by learning the language and attending Nigerian social events meeting other Nigerian people, joining Nigerian societies book clubs etc. Ignore all the negative aspects of your culture and immerse your self in all the positive aspects.
Reply 166
Original post by Crazy Paving
You were speaking to me in Yoruba kmt.


No it was pidgin English , imbecile
Original post by Ebuwa
No it was pidgin English , imbecile


I am not an imbecile, you are an imbecile.
Reply 168
I think the best idea would be is to travel to a fresh new environment (where nature surrounds you, perhaps loads of flowers, in a park etc) and have a chance to think about everything - smile to yourself and think positively. Try flipping a negative-looking situation to something positive. I understand it's easier said than done, but I assure you, everyone comes acorss a point in their life feeling exactly how you feel: pessimistic, depressed and death seems to be the only answer to their many problems, but as time passes by, they realise that the situation makes them stronger in character.

Don't worry; you'll be fine. Focus on what can be done than dwelling on your past because it won't change anything. You'll be successful :biggrin:
Reply 169
Original post by hajer_09
I think the best idea would be is to travel to a fresh new environment (where nature surrounds you, perhaps loads of flowers, in a park etc) and have a chance to think about everything - smile to yourself and think positively. Try flipping a negative-looking situation to something positive. I understand it's easier said than done, but I assure you, everyone comes acorss a point in their life feeling exactly how you feel: pessimistic, depressed and death seems to be the only answer to their many problems, but as time passes by, they realise that the situation makes them stronger in character.

Don't worry; you'll be fine. Focus on what can be done than dwelling on your past because it won't change anything. You'll be successful :biggrin:


Ok thanks. I've started taking walks regularly, just so that I can get some time alone to think about things.

Also, this may sound weird to you, but my situation has never made me stronger (and it never will) - in fact it has made me weaker. But the help and support I have received over the years has made me strong.
Reply 170
Original post by Anonymous
Ok thanks. I've started taking walks regularly, just so that I can get some time alone to think about things.

Also, this may sound weird to you, but my situation has never made me stronger (and it never will) - in fact it has made me weaker. But the help and support I have received over the years has made me strong.


...as well as my goals, wants, hopes, dreams and desires that I have for the future.
Reply 171
Reading through this thread makes me realize how liberal my parents are. I classify myself as a British Nigerian, I understand the language (Yoruba) and can speak it reasonably well.
c
I reckon your parents want you to marry a Nigerian, as they assume you have things in common with one, culture, language, mentality, so planning a huge event such as wedding would be easier. This is the same with my parents, however, they wouldn't have any problem if I married outside my race as long as I am happy with my choice.

As you said, you were going to University this september, it would be beneficial to see if there is a Nigerian society among. Engage yourself around Nigerian culture, do some research, reading around your tribe,customs etc.
Reply 172
Original post by Zelex
Reading through this thread makes me realize how liberal my parents are. I classify myself as a British Nigerian, I understand the language (Yoruba) and can speak it reasonably well.
c
I reckon your parents want you to marry a Nigerian, as they assume you have things in common with one, culture, language, mentality, so planning a huge event such as wedding would be easier. This is the same with my parents, however, they wouldn't have any problem if I married outside my race as long as I am happy with my choice.

As you said, you were going to University this september, it would be beneficial to see if there is a Nigerian society among. Engage yourself around Nigerian culture, do some research, reading around your tribe,customs etc.


Gosh I wish I had parents like yours! I have always felt as though I was born to the wrong set of parents. I never wanted parents who would spoil me, but parents who would love me and treat me properly like how any daughter should be treated.

I think it's also good that your parents would be accepting if you dated outside your race. I think as long as you are happy and compatitble and the relationship has all the right qualities - love, trust, care, peace, compatibility, compromise, etc - then colour and creed shouldn't matter. If only my parents felt the same way. But they are very much against that - they believe that people should 'stick with their own kind' (I guess in order to preserve culture), and they are so against black people having relationships with white people because of the history (slave trade, British Empire). Too them it would be the ultimate sin.
Reply 173
Original post by Ebuwa
There is huge emphasis on respect for elders and it should be.


I know this post wasn't aimed at me but I just wanted to say something about this: I understand that respect for elders is important, but tbh, that doesn't mean that elders should treat younger people like s***. That doesn't mean that they should look down on younger people. That is no excuse. I know not all people who are older are like that, but I really struggle to be around people who are a lot older than me because I've had too many bad experiences with them. Respect is a two way street and I only respect those who respect me. I don't care is someone is older than me, they have to earn my respect, just like I'd have to earn theirs. I don't just blindly respect people just because they are older than me. I've made that mistake too many times in the past and I will never make it again.
Reply 174
Original post by Anonymous
Ok thanks. I've started taking walks regularly, just so that I can get some time alone to think about things.

Also, this may sound weird to you, but my situation has never made me stronger (and it never will) - in fact it has made me weaker. But the help and support I have received over the years has made me strong.


Why has it made you weaker? Discover what does and fight it somehow
Reply 175
Original post by hajer_09
Why has it made you weaker? Discover what does and fight it somehow


Well...I spent most of my childhood being abused and bullied so it severly damaged me. It destroyed me. I lack self-esteem, confidence and assertiveness. I've regularly suffer from suicide ideation and I've attempted once before. I sometimes think of harming myself and have harmed myself before. I regularly suffer from anxiety and become irritable, angry, tearful, depressed, etc - in fact, think of all the worst feelings to have, and then think of how it would feel to have those feelings times a million per cent.

If it wasn't for the help and support I've gradually received over the years, I would be dead right now, seriously. It's because of the help and I've received (and will continue to receive) that I've kept myself going, because that help and support has kept me going.
Reply 176
Original post by Anonymous
Well...I spent most of my childhood being abused and bullied so it severly damaged me. It destroyed me. I lack self-esteem, confidence and assertiveness. I've regularly suffer from suicide ideation and I've attempted once before. I sometimes think of harming myself and have harmed myself before. I regularly suffer from anxiety and become irritable, angry, tearful, depressed, etc - in fact, think of all the worst feelings to have, and then think of how it would feel to have those feelings times a million per cent.

If it wasn't for the help and support I've gradually received over the years, I would be dead right now, seriously, because I've suffered so much. I've lost my faith in humanity but it's because of the help that I've received (and will continue to receive) that I've kept myself going, because that help and support has kept me going.


EDITED
Reply 177
Original post by Anonymous
Hi :smile:

I really hope to get away and I shall do this, but I'm so worried and anxious right now. :sad:

One thing I like about the West is the individuality and freedom of choice we get. But in my family, those things are never really taken into consideration.

But I feel as though no matter what, my parents will always be there, constantly looking over my shoulder and trying to control me. I remember telling me counsellor once that I feel as though there will still be problems, they will still want to mould me into something I'm not, and they will put expectations on me. He managed to figure this out, through things like relationships, career, kids, etc.

All my life I have always been expected to be something I'm not. Whether it was at school or my own parents. And I don't think I can take this anymore. I want my life to be my own, but I don't believe it ever will be. I feel like I am constantly fighting a battle, I feel like I'm in prison, and I feel as though I am suffocating every single day to the point where I want to kill myself. I wish I had never been born into this family and this world. I feel so sick right now, and so sick of everything. When can I ever be me and not feel ashamed? It's hard when people make you feel ashmed for not fitting into the 'norm' and then you are shunned, like I have done throughout my life. I guess they expect me to be conditioned into a particular way of thinking and being. Sometimes I wish I had succeeded at my suicide attempt. Sure it would have been so devastating to my friends but at least I'd be free. I feel so oppressed. :cry2:

I say all this because recently I've been very upset and uncomfortable with things my parents have been saying on things like race. They make such racist comments about mixed marriages, mixed race people, people that we know who are in mixed relationships, believing that people should stick to their own, annd the whole awful idea of being British, and the whole idea of multicultralism. I know people are entitled to their opinion but quite frankly I'm sick of it, my siblings and I find it so uncomfortable.

For example, there is a guy at my church who I've known for years. He is currently going out with a white girl. My mum started making comments about it, saying that it is wrong, saying that he hasn't been raised well, if they were to have kids they wouldn't belong anywhere (isn't that ironic, considering I don't know where to belong sometimes and feeling like I have a complete loss of identity, sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who the hell I am and how my life got to this point) and saying that the guy is stupid (to be honest he is quite smart and very hardworking) an that his whole family think they are white people (they are black btw). I said that I didn't really give a damn about what he does (as in who he dates), and my mum said that I should give a damn.

My dad in particular is so aggressive and negative about everything including this that it is disgusting. But then again, my dad has always been negative, abusive and aggressive and that has had a negative impact on me. I can't be different otherwise it is the worst thing in the world for him, everyone in the family should think like he doesn't. His way of thinking or no way of thinking. The ironic thing about this is that one of my brothers has had a girlfriend who is white, but obviously he had to keep it a secret.

Why on earth did my parents come here, stay here, and raise their kids here, especially in London? I know they say that they are planning on building a house in Nigeria to live in where they will live when they return to Nigeria. I think I might have to start planning on cutting my parents out of my life. How could they treat me like this? They make such horrible comments. Now don't get me wrong. I understand how this world is. I understand race issues totally. I am not naive and I am not stupid. I have always been suspicious of humans and the human race, hence growing scepticism (and even a bit of cynicism) over the years. But some of what my parents say is totally unacceptable, it's embarrasing to call them parents (which they don't deserve to be).

Another issue is this - I believe I am on the verge of becoming agnostic (my family are Christians). I would like to explore all religions entirely, before seeing how I feel myself. It's a long story but my family wouldn't accept me being religious. Anyway from a young age I have always questioned god, but going through what I went through as a child damaged my self-esteem, faith and trust in god and faith in humanity. I feel as though (if god exists) the He put me in the wrong body, wrong family, and wrong way fo life.

I know it seems like I'm ranting on, but I had to let this all out, I feel like a ticking time bomb. I can sense another nervous breaking coming in the next few months or years.

Now what do I do? I'm at a loss here, I don't have the strength to live or cope anymore. This question is not only open to just you, but to others. I am sorry this is long, but I can't take this anymore. Sometimes I feel like running away and never coming back every again.


Hey guys I'm back on again. I'm okay at the moment, and will go into therapy soon, but I need to ask something. I might sound daft, but here goes...

In my previous posts including the one above, I have mentioned my parents being racist. My parents are also homophobic, but that's another thing.

I know I shouldn't argue with racist, narrow-minded people - you can't argue or reason with stupidity or ignorance. So I don't bother talking to them. I can't ever have a proper intellectual conversation with them anyway because they always seem to undermine me anyway.

The go on about mixed race relationships and mixed race people like there is something wrong there, like it's totally sinful and unnatural. They don't get their heads around why people would date other races. In their opinion, everyone should stick to their own. In their eyes, white people are bad people because of the slave trade and their position in the world. They believe that mixed-raced marriages and relationships never work out, and that mixed-raced kids will get bullied and will never belong anywhere. In my parents' eyes, it is all an abomination. I've been bullied before and I know from experience that anyone can be bullied for whatever reason. I've even spoken to some mixed-race people and they've had the best of both worlds, they've never felt as though they didn't belong anywhere, they just felt like another person, and they were raised well and stable, unlike myself.

I spoke to the reverend and the reverend's wife at my church. One of the things they said was that one day I will find someone who loves me for myself, and as long as there is love and other great aspects of the relationship (care, communication and trust) then colour and creed should not matter. They also looked at it from a religious stance, saying that we are all 'children of god' and stuff like that.

It's awkward hearing all that, but I know where it comes from. But I hate the idea that I am not allowed to fall in love with someone who treats me with respect and cares for me more than my parents ever did just because of some narrow-minded views. They make me feel as though I have some kind of obligation towards them, or like I'm some investment. All they have ever done is push me away with their actions. It sometimes makes me ashamed to be African - I hate to say it.

I know this sounds stupid, but do they have a point? I understand where their views come from, so am I stupid to think the way I do? I am very open-minded and I look beyond race.

Sorry if this makes no sense, I know this all sounds stupid, but I'm gradually going insane with everything that's going on at the moment. I'm made to feel as though I am not allowed to have a mind of my own and be an individual, and it really drives me insane to the point where I am nearly breaking down.
Reply 178
Original post by Anonymous
Hi

Please keep anon.

I really don't know how to explain this, so please bear with me. I have had a very turbulent childhood. I was abused from a young age until into my late teens. It's only when I attempted suicide nearly a couple of years ago that the abuse is becoming non-existant but I still suffer with the emotional scars, self-destructive tendancies, dangerous negative feelings and suicidal thoughts. I have written a couple of threads before on my situations:

http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1514118

http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=30457186

My problem is I feel so disconnected with my parents' culture sometimes. I know the food we eat, and family values. I understand the language but I can't speak it :frown: I was born and brought up in Britain so this is the place I call home but I don't want to lose my roots despite what has happened. I wish my parents had spoken more of the language from a young age rather than speaking English to me most of the time. So I want to know about keeping in touch with my roots? I still consider myself British, but I am made to feel like an outcast because I am not perfect and don't know every single thing about Nigeria and can't speak the language.

Sometimes I feel negative about the culture, because of the abuse (the abuse is very much linked to the culture, because that's how a lot of families treat their kids where my parents are from, and kids don't have much of a voice or a social standing). Also there is the lack of individuality and lack of freedom of choice. Maybe that's why there is so much negativity inside me, because my parents spent most of my childhood abusing me and not being very encouraging instead of immersing me in the culture (positive aspects) and language a lot more than they did.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense....but I needed to vent...I am trying to familiarise myself with culture...but I need some advice...

Thanks


I've had a similar childhood. If you want to go into more detail, then feel free to message me.

As regards to culture, i can't stand my own culture as well. Sometimes you just need to hang in there, and deal with it until you can be free =(
Reply 179
Original post by ummdhibun
I've had a similar childhood. If you want to go into more detail, then feel free to message me.

As regards to culture, i can't stand my own culture as well. Sometimes you just need to hang in there, and deal with it until you can be free =(


I hope you understand, but I rather not PM anyone, as I want my identity to remain secret.

Can you discuss your experiences?

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