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Guys: a bad relationship with your mother leads to bad relationships throughout life?
As a guy, I've gone through pretty bad times with my Mum. I blamed her quite a bit for the breakup of my family...so really, have never had a very good relationship with my Mum even though she's always been a caring mother.
There's a theory (not sure how scientific it is) that the relationship with your mother conditions your relationships with women later on. In my case, I can only agree. I haven't managed to have a proper long-term relationship ever and I'm 23.
Not sure if such "theories" exist for girls but can anyone say they've noticed the same thing in their situation?
There's a theory (not sure how scientific it is) that the relationship with your mother conditions your relationships with women later on. In my case, I can only agree. I haven't managed to have a proper long-term relationship ever and I'm 23.
Not sure if such "theories" exist for girls but can anyone say they've noticed the same thing in their situation?
Scroll to see replies
Reply 1
i total think this is true!
For example my mother never ever hugged me or told me she loved me or anything like that, said "i ruined her life" so when some1 did love me i was sooooooooooooo clingy an pathetic. i definetly dont want a realtionship till i ve sorted out my issues!
For example my mother never ever hugged me or told me she loved me or anything like that, said "i ruined her life" so when some1 did love me i was sooooooooooooo clingy an pathetic. i definetly dont want a realtionship till i ve sorted out my issues!
Reply 2
Well I've definitely heard the theory that a girl's relationship with her father influence her relationships with men, so I guess it makes sense to work for guys too.
Reply 3
tom391
Well I've definitely heard the theory that a girl's relationship with her father influence her relationships with men, so I guess it makes sense to work for guys too.
I think the theory about girls is that their father influences their taste in men: either they go for a guy who's exactly like her father or the exact opposite.
Reply 4
19
Probably true. However I'm the other way, I have a wonderful relationship with my mum, she's always managed to support me and be there for me while not being (too) intrusive. She only embarresses me to make a point 
However I've often been told that I'm too nice in relationships. In most things in life I'm quite self confident and happy to stick up for my beliefs, but in a relationship my main belief is in the other person's happiness, which means I don't have a go at her when I think she's wrong, and I don't tell her when she hurts me. It actually partly caused my last break-up, as while the relationship was wonderful, she felt that, having never had a serious relationship, she had a lot to learn, and that I wouldn't ever admit she was wrong and let her learn from it. Partly true, though I wouldn't have admitted I went that far 
However I've often been told that I'm too nice in relationships. In most things in life I'm quite self confident and happy to stick up for my beliefs, but in a relationship my main belief is in the other person's happiness, which means I don't have a go at her when I think she's wrong, and I don't tell her when she hurts me. It actually partly caused my last break-up, as while the relationship was wonderful, she felt that, having never had a serious relationship, she had a lot to learn, and that I wouldn't ever admit she was wrong and let her learn from it. Partly true, though I wouldn't have admitted I went that far Reply 5
I'm fairly certain that your history with your mother has had little or no influence over why you've messed up your previous relationships.
Instead of finding comforting excuses, try making something about the problem at hand.
Instead of finding comforting excuses, try making something about the problem at hand.
Reply 6
Anonymous
As a guy, I've gone through pretty bad times with my Mum. I blamed her quite a bit for the breakup of my family...so really, have never had a very good relationship with my Mum even though she's always been a caring mother.
There's a theory (not sure how scientific it is) that the relationship with your mother conditions your relationships with women later on. In my case, I can only agree. I haven't managed to have a proper long-term relationship ever and I'm 23.
Not sure if such "theories" exist for girls but can anyone say they've noticed the same thing in their situation?
There's a theory (not sure how scientific it is) that the relationship with your mother conditions your relationships with women later on. In my case, I can only agree. I haven't managed to have a proper long-term relationship ever and I'm 23.
Not sure if such "theories" exist for girls but can anyone say they've noticed the same thing in their situation?
I agree with the swede above.
Excuses, excuses. Take some responsibility for your own actions. You're in control of how you act towards people... you have free will dont you?
Reply 7
jb_sweden
I'm fairly certain that your history with your mother has had little or no influence over why you've messed up your previous relationships.
Instead of finding comforting excuses, try making something about the problem at hand.
Instead of finding comforting excuses, try making something about the problem at hand.
Your posts are always about how things would be if everything was nice and lovely in this world. Sure you can be positive and optimistic and that's usually a good thing but to the point that you don't really know what you're talking about and are unrealistic... I'm not sure.
There was research in such areas of psychology and sexuality long before you were even wearing nappies so for you to just say "it has little or no influence" when really, you haven't got a clue what you're talking about, is a bit pretentious and arrogant.
It would be like me telling some businessman who's meeting some venture capitalists (when I know very little about business) and is worried about his business case and I just went "as long as you're true to yourself, then it will go fine". It's just a banality, that sure sounds nice but is it relevant in any way? No.
I was talking about serious psychological and relationship issues and you just give some flowery crap platitude. Who said that someone isn't making something about the problem? You haven't got a clue.
Reply 8
El Scotto
Excuses, excuses. Take some responsibility for your own actions. You're in control of how you act towards people... you have free will dont you?
Excuses, excuses. Take some responsibility for your own actions. You're in control of how you act towards people... you have free will dont you?
Right. So people's personality and behaviour are just based on their free will?
The issue at hand isn't whether people can control their lives, it's about how past events effect your behaviour, your tastes... All this is conditioned by many things. I can for example assure you that you wouldn't be the same person, if you had different parents or if you had grown up in a different country. It would be fantastic if we could just think that nothing conditions our behaviour and personality and that it's all about free will. Unfortunately it's not.
Otherwise, psychologists, sociologists, anthropologists would be out of a job.
Noone's saying that people have no control over their lives but to assume that your past experience doesn't affect you in any way is both childish and very ignorant.
Reply 9
16
I full believe my relationship with my dad has affected how I am with men.
As he was the main male influence in my life, how can I not expect him to have had an influence.
I expect to be treated by my boyf/husband how my dad treated my mum - like a gentleman.
So, whilst you've not had a proper relationship at 23, I don't think you should be worried. Just cos the rest of the country is spurting semen out as young as they can, I don't think you need to feel the obligation is to follow blindly.
As he was the main male influence in my life, how can I not expect him to have had an influence.
I expect to be treated by my boyf/husband how my dad treated my mum - like a gentleman.
So, whilst you've not had a proper relationship at 23, I don't think you should be worried. Just cos the rest of the country is spurting semen out as young as they can, I don't think you need to feel the obligation is to follow blindly.
Reply 10
Anonymous
Right. So people's personality and behaviour are just based on their free will? The issue at hand isn't whether people can control their lives, it's about how past events effect your behaviour, your tastes... All this is conditioned by many things. I can for example assure you that you wouldn't be the same person, if you had different parents or if you had grown up in a different country.
It would be fantastic if we could just think that nothing conditions our behaviour and personality and that it's all about free will. Unfortunately it's not.
Otherwise, psychologists, sociologists, anthropologists would be out of a job.
Noone's saying that people have no control over their lives but to assume that your past experience doesn't affect you in any way is both childish and very ignorant.
The issue at hand isn't whether people can control their lives, it's about how past events effect your behaviour, your tastes... All this is conditioned by many things. I can for example assure you that you wouldn't be the same person, if you had different parents or if you had grown up in a different country. It would be fantastic if we could just think that nothing conditions our behaviour and personality and that it's all about free will. Unfortunately it's not.
Otherwise, psychologists, sociologists, anthropologists would be out of a job.
Noone's saying that people have no control over their lives but to assume that your past experience doesn't affect you in any way is both childish and very ignorant.
Of course the past can effect you... but the thing about the past is that you cant change it. What you can change is the future. You at this very moment and from this time onward can decide how you act and behave...
as behaviour isnt rigid, you can change it. Whats the alternative? carry on down the same self-defeating paths dwelling?
life is about taking control.
Reply 11
El Scotto
Of course the past can effect you... but the thing about the past is that you cant change it. What you can change is the future. You at this very moment and from this time onward can decide how you act and behave...
as behaviour isnt rigid, you can change it. Whats the alternative? carry on down the same self-defeating paths dwelling?
life is about taking control.
Of course the past can effect you... but the thing about the past is that you cant change it. What you can change is the future. You at this very moment and from this time onward can decide how you act and behave...
as behaviour isnt rigid, you can change it. Whats the alternative? carry on down the same self-defeating paths dwelling?
life is about taking control.
I think most of us know that you shouldn't dwell on the past and that you can't change it, that "life is about taking control" but that really wasn't the topic of this thread. I shouldn't have added the personal info, that just makes it sound like some sad complaint.
It's not because someone's behaviour is influenced by their past experiences that they're not taking control. When you make decisions, you will make them according to past experiences... It's not as if people think "I'm suffering from an Oedipus complex so I'm going to go for a girl like my Mum". This is all unconscious stuff. Nothing to do with making decisions whatsoever.
I was curious to see how it's affected other people not whether I have to take the bull by the horns, seize the day, make dreams come true and other similar platitudes.
Reply 12
So, whilst you've not had a proper relationship at 23, I don't think you should be worried. Just cos the rest of the country is spurting semen out as young as they can, I don't think you need to feel the obligation is to follow blindly.
Nothing to do with sex actually. I've unfortunately had a lot of sexual partners. People who are bad with relationships tend to go from one person to the other...
Just pulling some girl and managing to attract her enough that she wants to sleep with you has little to do with being good at relationships.
Reply 13
I'm sorry, but you mentioned phychology etc. did frauds theories on this get disproved?! yes, relationships and past experiances can have an influence but blaming your mum for your failed relationships? Yes she has had an influence on your life but she isnt there saying in your ear "screw up" is she? it is your own choice at the end of the day. Me and my dad don't have the best relationship but i'm not going to let that mould how i view men, so you shouldn let what has happened in the past with your mum influence you to the point you mess a relationship up. 23 is young, you have plenty of time to have a serious relationship 
Reply 14
chocchip
i total think this is true!
For example my mother never ever hugged me or told me she loved me or anything like that, said "i ruined her life" so when some1 did love me i was sooooooooooooo clingy an pathetic.
For example my mother never ever hugged me or told me she loved me or anything like that, said "i ruined her life" so when some1 did love me i was sooooooooooooo clingy an pathetic.
i believe this to be true also as parents effect the person you become e.g if your not close to your mother it can effect you in the long term with future relationships if any1 would like to look at these studies they are Bolwby's maternal deprivation hypothesis 1959 Robertsons 1969 spitz 1940
Reply 15
you are referring to the internal working model created by Bolwby
YES YOU HAVE DISTROYED YOUR CHANCES!!!!
YES YOU HAVE DISTROYED YOUR CHANCES!!!!
Reply 16
16
Anonymous
Nothing to do with sex actually. I've unfortunately had a lot of sexual partners. People who are bad with relationships tend to go from one person to the other...
Just pulling some girl and managing to attract her enough that she wants to sleep with you has little to do with being good at relationships.
Just pulling some girl and managing to attract her enough that she wants to sleep with you has little to do with being good at relationships.
Reply 17
xemilyx
I'm sorry, but you mentioned phychology etc. did frauds theories on this get disproved?! yes, relationships and past experiances can have an influence but blaming your mum for your failed relationships? Yes she has had an influence on your life but she isnt there saying in your ear "screw up" is she? it is your own choice at the end of the day. Me and my dad don't have the best relationship but i'm not going to let that mould how i view men, so you shouldn let what has happened in the past with your mum influence you to the point you mess a relationship up. 23 is young, you have plenty of time to have a serious relationship
Oh dear... I don't think I should have started such a deep discussion in this forum... I don't think many quite get what psychology is and how your psyche has an unconscious part to it which you don't have control over, by definition.
It's like you're trying to reinvent psychology with optimistic platitudes that don't reflect reality one bit. And who said anything about blaming?
How old are you? I don't know how at your age you'd know if you'd messed up a relationship.
To illustrate how your optimistic platitudes make no sense: Consider a girl who always goes for guys who end up hurting her. She doesn't necessarily choose guys so that they hurt her. It's just that that's the only type of guy she's attracted to. That attraction is something she inherited from her past experiences. What would you tell her? "Be attracted to nice guys! It's your choice"
There's parts of us that we don't have control over and understanding them is important to move on. Just thinking that a bit of good will is enough and that we have control over everything is dreaming. The point of this thread is to discuss how our relationship with our parents affect our relationships later on. That's all. Thank you lil_minx for actually staying on topic and providing useful info.
segat1
welcome to my world. wanna pull?
welcome to my world. wanna pull?
Yes, it does seem more like a girl's issue. Finding it relatively easy to pull girls but to connect with them and when I do, for it to be successful, is a whole different struggle.
Reply 18
16
Anonymous
Yes, it does seem more like a girl's issue. Finding it relatively easy to pull girls but to connect with them and when I do, for it to be successful, is a whole different struggle.
Yes, it does seem more like a girl's issue. Finding it relatively easy to pull girls but to connect with them and when I do, for it to be successful, is a whole different struggle.
Reply 19
lil_minx
i believe this to be true also as parents effect the person you become e.g if your not close to your mother it can effect you in the long term with future relationships if any1 would like to look at these studies they are Bolwby's maternal deprivation hypothesis 1959 Robertsons 1969 spitz 1940
Bowlby was a tit, I'd rather listen to the stupidity of freud than him.
Anonymous
I think most of us know that you shouldn't dwell on the past and that you can't change it, that "life is about taking control" but that really wasn't the topic of this thread. I shouldn't have added the personal info, that just makes it sound like some sad complaint.
It's not because someone's behaviour is influenced by their past experiences that they're not taking control. When you make decisions, you will make them according to past experiences... It's not as if people think "I'm suffering from an Oedipus complex so I'm going to go for a girl like my Mum". This is all unconscious stuff. Nothing to do with making decisions whatsoever.
It's not because someone's behaviour is influenced by their past experiences that they're not taking control. When you make decisions, you will make them according to past experiences... It's not as if people think "I'm suffering from an Oedipus complex so I'm going to go for a girl like my Mum". This is all unconscious stuff. Nothing to do with making decisions whatsoever.
why are you listening to your past decisions if they obviously arnt working for you?
I dont see how you can blame your mum for what you get up to in your relationships. Its a total cop out. Maybe its something like b.o or you dont listen to any girl that you're with or leave the seat up or something else thats generally complained about.
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