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How to ask girlfriend about previous relationships?
Hey
I've been seeing a girl for four weeks now and it seems as if we are likely to enter in to a more formal relationship. I really like her and she appears to have the same feelings for me. We have already had sexual relations but have stopped short of intercourse.
All that is bothering me is that I feel a need to know how many previous relationships she has had, how many people she's had intercourse with and perhaps who?
We've talked on occasion about the past, ableit briefly, and she's not a virgin (I am). She's cool about this and said that she respected my wishes to wait for the right person. She doesn't seem the type to have been promiscuous and I suspect that the number will be very low (1-3).
Do I have a right to know/ask? How should I go about doing so? Is this a normal feeling to have?
Thanks
A naive Oxford student
I've been seeing a girl for four weeks now and it seems as if we are likely to enter in to a more formal relationship. I really like her and she appears to have the same feelings for me. We have already had sexual relations but have stopped short of intercourse.
All that is bothering me is that I feel a need to know how many previous relationships she has had, how many people she's had intercourse with and perhaps who?
We've talked on occasion about the past, ableit briefly, and she's not a virgin (I am). She's cool about this and said that she respected my wishes to wait for the right person. She doesn't seem the type to have been promiscuous and I suspect that the number will be very low (1-3).
Do I have a right to know/ask? How should I go about doing so? Is this a normal feeling to have?
Thanks
A naive Oxford student
Scroll to see replies
I'd say you have every right to know. From my experience it is a normal feeling to have, I was certainly curious, even if it didn't bother me all that much.
The best time to mention it I'd say is in normal conversation. Not before/during/after your sexual encounters, that'd be inappropriate. A good time is when you are just sitting and talking; not doing anything else.
When I asked, I just said "do you mind if I ask you something?". Chances are she'll get all nervous and worried about what it is, but say yes anyway, then when you ask she should be ok with it. She'll understand why you're asking and will hopefully tell you what you want to know.
On the other hand, she may have had bad experiences, so respect her wishes if she's a bit off about talking.
And good luck.
The best time to mention it I'd say is in normal conversation. Not before/during/after your sexual encounters, that'd be inappropriate. A good time is when you are just sitting and talking; not doing anything else.
When I asked, I just said "do you mind if I ask you something?". Chances are she'll get all nervous and worried about what it is, but say yes anyway, then when you ask she should be ok with it. She'll understand why you're asking and will hopefully tell you what you want to know.
On the other hand, she may have had bad experiences, so respect her wishes if she's a bit off about talking.
And good luck.
malteaser
Hey
I've been seeing a girl for four weeks now and it seems as if we are likely to enter in to a more formal relationship. I really like her and she appears to have the same feelings for me. We have already had sexual relations but have stopped short of intercourse.
All that is bothering me is that I feel a need to know how many previous relationships she has had, how many people she's had intercourse with and perhaps who?
We've talked on occasion about the past, ableit briefly, and she's not a virgin (I am). She's cool about this and said that she respected my wishes to wait for the right person. She doesn't seem the type to have been promiscuous and I suspect that the number will be very low (1-3).
Do I have a right to know/ask? How should I go about doing so? Is this a normal feeling to have?
Thanks
A naive Oxford student
I've been seeing a girl for four weeks now and it seems as if we are likely to enter in to a more formal relationship. I really like her and she appears to have the same feelings for me. We have already had sexual relations but have stopped short of intercourse.
All that is bothering me is that I feel a need to know how many previous relationships she has had, how many people she's had intercourse with and perhaps who?
We've talked on occasion about the past, ableit briefly, and she's not a virgin (I am). She's cool about this and said that she respected my wishes to wait for the right person. She doesn't seem the type to have been promiscuous and I suspect that the number will be very low (1-3).
Do I have a right to know/ask? How should I go about doing so? Is this a normal feeling to have?
Thanks
A naive Oxford student
You might as well call her a dirty whore....
Yea i agree, go with 'can i ask you a question' and say stuff like 'i was just wondering' and 'you dont have to tell me if you dont want to' so that she doesnt feel that it bothers you how many people she been with, and that you dont seem like your waiting to judge her, its just something you were wondering about...
keep it cool and as light as possible..dont go all serious when she tells you as well!
keep it cool and as light as possible..dont go all serious when she tells you as well!Scienceboi
You might as well call her a dirty whore....
Why? He only wants to know, its not as if he plans to dump her if shes been with more than a certain number of people (right OP?). Besides its only fair since she knows hes a virgin.
Not planning on dumping at all. It's just that I feel the need to know to satisfy curiosity and for the relationship to work, I think that we need to be completely comfortable with eachother's pasts.
I can't say I like the thought of her having been with other guys but I think entertaining thoughts is worse than actually knowing.
I can't say I like the thought of her having been with other guys but I think entertaining thoughts is worse than actually knowing.
It is a normal feeling to have,
but..
You've been going out for a month, haven't had sex and I assume you're not an idiot and will use a condom. A reasonable question to ask might be to find out whether she has had an STD or whatever, touchy subject I know but necessary before you have sex for the first time. But there isn't really any good reason to delve into her private life otherwise, is there?
It strikes me that if she does tell you, she'll tell you something you don't really want to know. Suppose she said 'well actually I shagged X at my college'. It would just make you paranoid.
I say you just have to trust her. Asking questions on her private life will just make her feel cramped and pressured. Try and be cool with it, the fact you know she isn't a virgin suggests the subject has come up and she hasn't gone into any more details, so why get her to go into it more? She is with you now, see where the relationship goes without bringing your insecurities into it.
If you're interested, the reason I feel this way is because I too wanted to know about my gfs past private life, and this just made her feel untrusted and pressured, and when she did eventually tell me, it was something I didn't really want to know. So I learnt my lesson.
but..
You've been going out for a month, haven't had sex and I assume you're not an idiot and will use a condom. A reasonable question to ask might be to find out whether she has had an STD or whatever, touchy subject I know but necessary before you have sex for the first time. But there isn't really any good reason to delve into her private life otherwise, is there?
It strikes me that if she does tell you, she'll tell you something you don't really want to know. Suppose she said 'well actually I shagged X at my college'. It would just make you paranoid.
I say you just have to trust her. Asking questions on her private life will just make her feel cramped and pressured. Try and be cool with it, the fact you know she isn't a virgin suggests the subject has come up and she hasn't gone into any more details, so why get her to go into it more? She is with you now, see where the relationship goes without bringing your insecurities into it.
If you're interested, the reason I feel this way is because I too wanted to know about my gfs past private life, and this just made her feel untrusted and pressured, and when she did eventually tell me, it was something I didn't really want to know. So I learnt my lesson.
malteaser
Not planning on dumping at all. It's just that I feel the need to know to satisfy curiosity and for the relationship to work, I think that we need to be completely comfortable with eachother's pasts.
I can't say I like the thought of her having been with other guys but I think entertaining thoughts is worse than actually knowing.
I can't say I like the thought of her having been with other guys but I think entertaining thoughts is worse than actually knowing.
Just ask her, if you do it in a non offencive way then she will be fine.
malteaser
While it is normal to feel curious about it, I wouldn't say you have any right to know. It's her past, it's up to her what she says. Some girls will happily talk about it, others would be offended if you asked. You're in a better position to know which she's likely to be.
On one side it can be a harmless question, that you're asking because you're curious. On the other, there may be bad experiences she's had and asking her reminds her to be ashamed of them, in which case it could be a very bad idea - nobody likes to be forced to go over past mistakes. Or she could see that you're judging her. It depends why you want to know, is it just curiousity or would you be judging her? Your post came across as slightly interrogative, which may be wrong and just be an impression I got, but my guess is if she feels you are, she won't take kindly to it.
As a bottom line, what she's done and who she's done it with is her business, and while you can ask and in many cases she'll be fine with it, you do run the risk of offending her. You don't have a right to know, so to speak. I know I wouldn't like a new girlfriend asking me about who I'd been out with and what I'd done with them, as to me that's private between me and them unless I decide to talk about it. If you do ask, make sure you don't come across as judgemental or interrogative, just mildly curious. As long as you don't push the issue, if she doesn't feel comfortable saying, then it should be fine.
Drogue
While it is normal to feel curious about it, I wouldn't say you have any right to know. It's her past, it's up to her what she says. Some girls will happily talk about it, others would be offended if you asked. You're in a better position to know which she's likely to be.
On one side it can be a harmless question, that you're asking because you're curious. On the other, there may be bad experiences she's had and asking her reminds her to be ashamed of them, in which case it could be a very bad idea - nobody likes to be forced to go over past mistakes. Or she could see that you're judging her. It depends why you want to know, is it just curiousity or would you be judging her? Your post came across as slightly interrogative, which may be wrong and just be an impression I got, but my guess is if she feels you are, she won't take kindly to it.
As a bottom line, what she's done and who she's done it with is her business, and while you can ask and in many cases she'll be fine with it, you do run the risk of offending her. You don't have a right to know, so to speak. I know I wouldn't like a new girlfriend asking me about who I'd been out with and what I'd done with them, as to me that's private between me and them unless I decide to talk about it. If you do ask, make sure you don't come across as judgemental or interrogative, just mildly curious. As long as you don't push the issue, if she doesn't feel comfortable saying, then it should be fine.
On one side it can be a harmless question, that you're asking because you're curious. On the other, there may be bad experiences she's had and asking her reminds her to be ashamed of them, in which case it could be a very bad idea - nobody likes to be forced to go over past mistakes. Or she could see that you're judging her. It depends why you want to know, is it just curiousity or would you be judging her? Your post came across as slightly interrogative, which may be wrong and just be an impression I got, but my guess is if she feels you are, she won't take kindly to it.
As a bottom line, what she's done and who she's done it with is her business, and while you can ask and in many cases she'll be fine with it, you do run the risk of offending her. You don't have a right to know, so to speak. I know I wouldn't like a new girlfriend asking me about who I'd been out with and what I'd done with them, as to me that's private between me and them unless I decide to talk about it. If you do ask, make sure you don't come across as judgemental or interrogative, just mildly curious. As long as you don't push the issue, if she doesn't feel comfortable saying, then it should be fine.
Just so long as you realise you don't actually have a right to know, EXCEPT where it would concern your own physical health, then it's cool
icedout
Ask, but don't expect the truth. If you really want to know, ask mutual friends or ex boyfriends.
But then she'd find out you'd been asking about her, and that would not make you look good at all - really creepy actually.
Seriously, try the aloof 'I don't actually care I'm just wondering' thing, but if that doesn't work, there is nothing else you can do except get over your jealousy and paranoia - perhaps by realising she must be going out with you for a reason..
icedout
It's generally quite easy to ask around about someone without them finding out. In my experience anyway.
Fair does if it worked for you, but there has to be some kind of risk.
Besides going to an ex-boyfriend and getting him to tell you what he did to your current girlfriend is not going to make you feel any better! And if your girlfriend didn't know you know, it would be extremely awkward.
kizer
Fair does if it worked for you, but there has to be some kind of risk.
Besides going to an ex-boyfriend and getting him to tell you what he did to your current girlfriend is not going to make you feel any better! And if your girlfriend didn't know you know, it would be extremely awkward.
Besides going to an ex-boyfriend and getting him to tell you what he did to your current girlfriend is not going to make you feel any better! And if your girlfriend didn't know you know, it would be extremely awkward.
Yeah, I was thinking more along the lines of someone who has known her for a long time, but is better friends with you. Or someone who knows her friends and could ask for you without saying it came from you. Take some initiative, no one's past is remotely a secret these days.
Whatever you do, don't even think about asking her "do you have stds or ever had any?". You can ask her if she's been checked though. Just remember to use protection. That's what protection is there for: to protect you from things you're not 100% sure about.
As for wanting to know, of course you should be curious. If you weren't curious, that would be more worrying and would just show you weren't that interested in her. In any healthy relationship, you should be able to be open and honest about this. Anyone who tells you you have no right to ask for such information, just hopes that they don't have to talk about their own past which they're not too proud of...
As for asking people around if they know anything about her past, what the ****? Of course you're not going to do that. For one thing, you won't find out much that way and plus it's psychopathic behaviour. As if everyone's secrets are known within a small group... That's what high school kids think when they go round the class thinking they can just list who is virgin, who isn't a virgin: People lie loads, hide loads, exaggerate, transform truths. You'll never ever get the truth that way. It's a fact.
As for wanting to know, of course you should be curious. If you weren't curious, that would be more worrying and would just show you weren't that interested in her. In any healthy relationship, you should be able to be open and honest about this. Anyone who tells you you have no right to ask for such information, just hopes that they don't have to talk about their own past which they're not too proud of...
As for asking people around if they know anything about her past, what the ****? Of course you're not going to do that. For one thing, you won't find out much that way and plus it's psychopathic behaviour. As if everyone's secrets are known within a small group... That's what high school kids think when they go round the class thinking they can just list who is virgin, who isn't a virgin: People lie loads, hide loads, exaggerate, transform truths. You'll never ever get the truth that way. It's a fact.
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