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raped friend - some advice please

a few months ago a friend of mine was going out with this guy and to cut a long story short she got pregnant, the guy she was wiv said it wasnt his and they ended up splitin up and she miscarried. she didnt really want to tell me the ins and outs and i didnt push her because i knew that she didnt need any more pressure on her.
well shes started going out with this new guy who is so in love with her and their really happy. but i could sense something was still wrong (shes really against getin any more physical than kissing not that thats a problem but i could see something was seriously wrong) and yesterday she told me ( well i kinda guessed) that her ex had raped her and shes so cut up and shes been hiding it from us for so long and now the only people that know are me and her boyfriend and she doesnt know what to do and i hate seeing her so hurt and not being able to do anything
any advice would be appricated

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She should really go to the police but i no it is hard.you and her boyfriend are just gonna have to be there for her at all costs.
Reply 2
Ay! Dirty Boy!
She should really go to the police but i no it is hard.you and her boyfriend are just gonna have to be there for her at all costs.

iv said to her that im with her every step of the way what ever she chooses to do i just feel so helpless
i no it must be hard for you seeing your friend like this - i would feel the same way if it was my best friend. but you and your best friend need to be there for each other. make her laugh and keep her spirits up but DONT avoid the situation. believe me - dont feel nervous about being around her, shes ur best friend, u will no wat to do wen u r with her.
Reply 4
Well, you probably expected this answer - but you have to convince her to tell someone.

Obviously, it will be hard for her to admit it to anyone, for some reason the victim think it is their own fault in some way. They can't think straight. You have to tell them that is is DEFINATELY without a doubt not their fault and that telling someone will ensure that nothing need ever happen to anyone because of that PRICK again. There are means and way's you can contact the Police on the matter, they have special units to deal with this sort of crime.

All I can say is, Good Luck to your mate - I can only offer my sympathy. :frown:
Reply 5
All that you can reasonably do is to offer her your unwavering support. It is seldom sufficient merely to tell someone that any alleged 'fault' is not theirs in fact: rather, you must permit them to infer by your actions and conduct in respect of themselves; by your unremitting sympathy, solidarity, and companionship, that you do not even remotely disdain what they've been through. The notional moral discrepancy then becomes irrelevant.

Trust me.
Anonymous
i no it must be hard for you seeing your friend like this - i would feel the same way if it was my best friend. but you and your best friend need to be there for each other. make her laugh and keep her spirits up but DONT avoid the situation. believe me - dont feel nervous about being around her, shes ur best friend, u will no wat to do wen u r with her.

my advice exactly
Reply 7
Don't leave her to deal with it alone whatever you do. She's lucky to have a friend who cares about her. Don't try pressuring her into telling anyone else, you might push her away and the last thing she needs is to be alone. Again, if she doesn't want to talk about it, don't try pressuring her, I'm talking from persoanl experiences, just be there for her.
Reply 8
Unfortunately, you could go to the police, but there would be absolutely no chance of it even going to court. There is no evidence, only two testimonies that are in complete contrast.

It's sad but it's the way our legal system works.
mipmapped
Unfortunately, you could go to the police, but there would be absolutely no chance of it even going to court. There is no evidence, only two testimonies that are in complete contrast.

It's sad but it's the way our legal system works.


Sadly yes ^this^ is correct. If she was going out with him, and he did rape her, unless someone actually witnessed the act, or it was on CCTV or something, there is nowhere near enough proof to get him convicted.
However, I would still reccommend going to the police as they can do two things. A) Offer her very good support. And B) They will put an intelligence report on the guy, so if he ever does anything like this again, there is more than just one unsubstantiated rape accusation, making a conviction far more likely.
For the second reason she really ought, as it might stop this shitbag doing it to another woman.
They will put an intelligence report on the guy, so if he ever does anything like this again, there is more than just one unsubstantiated rape accusation, making a conviction far more likely.
For the second reason she really ought, as it might stop this shitbag doing it to another woman.


Agreed.
Reply 11
Don't force her to do anything. The rape will have frightened her and felt she has no control over situatiuons, and if you make her do something she doesn't want to do you're just amplifying that.

You can point her in the direction of organisations such as Rape Crisis who will be able to help her. But again, you can only suggest that and can't force her.

You just need to be there for her. Don't change the subject if she mentions it or try to discourage her from thinking/talking about it. Some times she may feel "fine", and other times she'll be really upset. That's normal.

You can PM me if you want any more advice.
Reply 12
fragreaper

For the second reason she really ought, as it might stop this shitbag doing it to another woman.


well no, it just might increase the likelihood of the police taking it seriously the next time he does it. that's not the same thing. this country's legal system is not properly equipped to deal with rape. It pretty much put the victim on trial, and that can have even worse emotional consequences, not to mention the fact that conviction rates are ridiculously low. A lot of women just cannot put themselved through that, understandably. To the OP, the best thing you can do is be her friend, stick by her through whatever happens and whatever she decides to do. Understand that healing will take a very long time. Never push, always trust her and her instincts.
...this country's legal system is not properly equipped to deal with rape.


Being innocent until being proven guilty /is/ a terrible way to go about things...
As everybody's already said, the only thing you can do is be there for her, and make sure she knows it. I know you must feel helpless, I've been in the situation myself- of a friend being raped I mean-, but just being her friend, and supporting her through her decsions, is all that you can seem to do :frown:. Hope your friends as OK as can be xx
I have a best friend that has been raped more than once I'm afraid to say. Me and her other friends just try and keep her happy as much as we can but doing so in normal ways. However lately she has been through alot (hospitalised for many different reasons) and only her family and boyfriend are really able to get through to her. She has a lot of problems and some of them are due to the rapes from when she was younger and then the rape happening just over a year ago. Just be there for your friend the best you can. She will thank you for it I'm sure :smile: .
naelse
well no, it just might increase the likelihood of the police taking it seriously the next time he does it. that's not the same thing. this country's legal system is not properly equipped to deal with rape. It pretty much put the victim on trial, and that can have even worse emotional consequences, not to mention the fact that conviction rates are ridiculously low. A lot of women just cannot put themselved through that, understandably. To the OP, the best thing you can do is be her friend, stick by her through whatever happens and whatever she decides to do. Understand that healing will take a very long time. Never push, always trust her and her instincts.


That's really what I was trying to get at, just tactfully. She can tell the police and not press charges, or at the very least phone in an anonymous report via crimestoppers on 0800 555 111 .
All the best,
Si
Reply 17
mipmapped
Being innocent until being proven guilty /is/ a terrible way to go about things...


that's not what i was talking about. i was talkng about the fact that a woman's clothing and sexual reputation can affect the likelihood of a conviction. It virtually gives the impression that rape is only rape when it's of a nun. And even then, if she showed her ankles she was clearly asking for it.
Did you know...
It's not the offence that a woman wasn't consenting.... If the male could prove he reasonably suspected she was consenting (but just liked to play otherwise etc.) then no offence has been commited... Some crimes are a bitch to prove.
naelse
that's not what i was talking about. i was talkng about the fact that a woman's clothing and sexual reputation can affect the likelihood of a conviction. It virtually gives the impression that rape is only rape when it's of a nun. And even then, if she showed her ankles she was clearly asking for it.


I'm sorry, I misunderstood. I completely agree with you. The statistic published recently was extrememly alarming.

Education is required to make sure that girls are confident enough to say no. If a girl doesn't actually say 'no' it makes it harder to get a conviction (as recently seen in the Swansea case).