The Student Room Group

Please help me - im so confused!!

Right well this is going to be a long post so sorry but I feel I need to explain things fully.

Right, in September 2004 I eventually stated going out with the guy of my dreams who id been head over heels for, for a year. Things went great, I totally was in love with him, and hated not being around him, basically he was my everything. We had a good year, ups and downs like everyone, but it was good and I wouldn’t change it for the world. However he is in the year above me and as such in September just gone he went to uni, and we decided best thing to do would be to break up when he went as long distance would be a lot of strain and would be best to be amicable about it rather than splitting later and falling out.

Needless to say I was a bit devastated, I think I cried in his arms for about 4 hours the day before he went and he cried too which ive never seen him do. It took me a good few months to stop getting upset all the time, and it was so difficult, worst thing ive ever had to do. He seemed to get over it quite easily, although everyone I have spoken to says uni changed u and u r so busy especially in fresher’s week that u don’t have time to think about missing home etc.

I went down to see him in October, and had a really good weekend, he was really friendly, and a bit more, and I realised how much id been missing him, not just as a bf but as a friend. However when I got home a couple of weeks later we were talking about things and he said it had made him realise he had no feelings for me whatsoever, they had all gone. That really hurt, cos I still cared about him. Although now his friend says it was probably him putting up his defences, and I can see their point, cos u don’t stop caring about someone u went out with for a yr just like that. Well anyways time passed on and we chatted on msn and stuff.

Then he came home at xmas, and we went to the cinema with another of our mates from home, and had a great time, and he said how good I looked (I had made an effort to make him see what he was missing out on lol). Well anyways after xmas he went back to uni and I got v depressed again having to go back to school, which seems like such a drag without him to talk to, knowing hes having a great time at uni. Then I went down to see him last week when I went for a visit day there and again had a great night, but possibly more so this time. I don’t know what it was, but like we were sat on his bed and I was by his computer and he put my legs over his so he cud go on it and sat like that, then we were just chatting on his bed and he was tickling me and stuff like that, being a bit flirty I suppose. Then in the night was completely different to like the last time I went down, t wasn’t just sleep completely separately, he had his arms around me, and when I turned away in the night once and rolled off his arm, he put them back round me and started running his fingers along my back and massaged my back for about 30 mins, I don’t know how else to explain it really but being sweet and possibly a bit intimate.

So needless to say im a bit confused, especially after this time of going down, cos I think he was just being friendly, and he has said he doesn’t have those feelings for me anymore, but then yet he did those things, and they weren’t just like obvious just sex stuff, it was sweet, nice stuff. Stuff that I miss from having a bf, you know? The little things. Sleeping with someone’s arms around u is one of the nicest feelings you can have.

Also, I know hes only kissed about 3 other girls at uni, and done nothing more, but I get a bit upset and jealous when I hear about it, and also hes really good mates with a girl on his corridor, and they watch films and stuff virtually every night, and I am really jealous of her, cos I would ive anything to be there.

Well sorry that turned out to be a mega long post, if I think of anything else I will add it, but for now could people just give their opinions? Do u think he is just being a friend, or do u think he might have changed is mind? We just have so much in common and get on so well, and I cannot imagine life without him, so my opinion is obviously biased.

I really need some help here cos it is tearing me up, I don’t want to go and ask him or anything cos if im wrong I will probs lose him as a mate, cos he will think I am trying for more again. Help me!!
Reply 1
pls anyone......
Reply 2
thats so long, i cba to read, summarise it
Reply 3
it is long cos it is complicated.......ull see y im confused and depressed and goodness knows what else about it
Reply 4
Talk to him.
Reply 5
If I were to be brutally honest, there is, possibly, no relationship left, after he has kissed three girls, let alone one! How could you possibly want him back, when he is obviously not committed solely to you.

You have a right to be jealous, however, if he has told you that he has no feelings for you...what are you waiting for? You two really need to have a one-on-one conversation to identify where this relationship is going. In my opinion, you're better off as friends.

Good Luck Hun :redface:

X
I agree with Lyndzxx 100% there. Don't confuse yourself like this when talking things over will help both of you realise what the relationship is meaning at the moment.

I have helped friends in long distance relationships before, and both of them agreed to go and see other people (one was in England the other in the Arctic for 2 years, so no chance of seeing each other) and they both confided in me that they still really cared for the other person, but didn't want to convey those emotions in case they hurt them unintentionally.


Hope this helps you out.
Reply 7
thats the thing, we dont have a relationhisp, we did split up, but from how hes been acting its been making me think well myabe hes changed his mind, and i lvoe him completlely so i would take him back any day he asked, altho i spose maybe its cos im stuck at home, i dont know, jsut whenevr im with him or talking to him im completely happy, everythign in the world seems fine, and when i have to go i get upset
i kinda know what your going through - except my version was a bit less extreme... I'll explain then see if I can give you any advice...

basically, I really fancied this guy, Criag, thought he was wonderful, but he had a gf.. we texted each other a lot... he broke up with his girlfriend two weeks before he went off to university.. his main reason (that he told her anyway) was that he was going to uni and a long distance relationship just wouldnt work... though if he was honest he knew he wasnt happy in the relationship and did have some feelings for me, but at that point just thought they were lustful.

Needless to say in those two weeks he was single before uni we got pretty..erm... not that close as such (to be honest I didnt really know him that much, we didnt go to school together or anything).. but we got intimate... I really really liked him and thought it was more than just lust... he wasnt so sure.. he went off to uni..

I went to visit him at uni about a month later, which was really good... to be honest we basically just acted as if we were going out when we saw each other.. it was really weird.. but then we talked about our relationship later and he told me he didnt think it would work... I agreeed with him.. even though i was a bit devastated.... spending that night in his arms was amazing... you're right.. it is the best feeling in the world...

this happened another time and he still insisted that we shouldnt go out.. but he came back for my birthday, and stopped over at my house... we kissed and cudled and did so much sweet stuff that night... I had really really fallen for him.. At one point we were both in tears about it... he went home in the afternoon and foned me later that evening before he went back to uni.. we talked about it a bit more and eventually he said he'd like to give the whole long distance thing a go and asked me out...

We're still going out now - and well - things have gone really really realllllly well... I mean I could have never imagined them to have gone better - we've both totally fallen for each other and even though the long distance thing is hard at times... it is possible to cope..

I think guys (and girls) get really scared about how difficult the long distance thing is going to be.. it sounds to me like he really really likes you still... you dont just sleep with friends like that...

I think you should really talk to him about it.. how far away is his uni - does he ever come home at the weekends? is there a good train journey there?
If he's up for it then I think you should try it - honestly - its not as bad as people say, and uni holidays are really long... webcams are always nice when you want to just see each others face when youre talking to them too.. i do really crave hugs sometimes - but at least I know that I can have one when he gets back!!

I dont know if this will help at all... its all kind of long and rambly... I just wanted to let you know that relationships can work when one's at uni... and even start when one's at uni - I mean, we hardly even knew each other before craig started uni... which seems bizaare now..

good luck... I really hope things work out for you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Reply 9
Have you told him that you love him and all the feelings you have for him that you mentioned in that post?
Reply 10
so i would take him back any day he asked


Why are you at his beck and call? You're so much more than that! Try not to fall into the trap of thinking that your life revolves around him. Go out, do stuff, make him jealous of what he's missing out on.

Ultimately, talk to him!!

x
Virtue
If I were to be brutally honest, there is, possibly, no relationship left, after he has kissed three girls, let alone one! How could you possibly want him back, when he is obviously not committed solely to you.

You have a right to be jealous, however, if he has told you that he has no feelings for you...what are you waiting for? You two really need to have a one-on-one conversation to identify where this relationship is going. In my opinion, you're better off as friends.

Good Luck Hun :redface:

X

i kissed...um..2 guys when i'd split from my ex. we're happily back together now...
Reply 12
thanks for all the help, i know i should talk to him but it is difficult, i dont want him to think im some desperate person, and if i do talk to him about and i get the wrong reaction, then it is highly likely he wont talk to me for while if at all, and i will not be allowed to go and see him again, he did say before no chance of going out even if i go to uni with him (thats not the reason ive hcosen that uni tho altho it is coincidence). thing is he talks about having sex and stuff, and i presumed that wud be all it wud be, then as i sed, he did stuff i wouldnt expect from someone who just wnats a **** buddy, like cuddling me, and holding me, and tickling me and then lying on his bed staring into my eyes and stuff, u can see why im confused hes being very contradictory!!!!
Reply 13
you have a difficult situation there, i can see ur point bout not wanting to talk...i dont envy u!
i think he's just as confused as you are.

talk to him no matter how difficult it will be.

Good luck!
You're confused because he's messing around with you, whether he knows it or not. By saying he doesn't want a relationship, and then doing stuff like that, he either knows what he's doing and is trying to keep you as a back up (not so distant you won't say no if he asks for anything, and not too close it'd be wrong for him to get someone else), or he doesn't know what he wants himself. In which case you ought to talk to him. Actually, you ought to talk to him either way.
Reply 16
well the guy in question was talking to someone today and they said something about it and he sed "well she knows that will never happen. i have never broken up with a girl and then got back togther with them, you break up for a reason. my reason was going to uni" so that seems kinda final i think, ut then i am still confused why he was acting like he was with me, oh yeh another thing, when we were talking he kept lying with his head iin my lap looking in my eyes!! argh confusion, but i think from that comment i dont have a chance.....
Sounds like he's taking you for a ride, seeing what he can get for nothing. He probably knows you still have feelings for him, he can read the signs you're giving him. The fact that you talk about him allowing you to visit suggests you've handed over control to him. He probably misses the physical intimacy of being in a relationship without actually wanting to get back into one with you.

F**k buddies aren't always just about sex. He'd probably like you to provide the best parts of being in a relationship without any commitment and will happily string you along until another girl comes into the picture. I'd guess he's enjoyed being able to kiss other girls and knowing you'll still take him back. Don't let him walk all over you. You need to speak to him asap. Tell him he's giving you mixed signals and needs to decide..he can either be going out with you, or he gets nothing other than friendship (assuming you want to stay friends). He has said that he won't take you back..why don't you listen to that?

Sorry..harsh to hear but that's what seems likely to me.
Reply 18
i guess i have known all along i just dnt know if i can take it, i would rather have what we have now than nothing at all, but it is killing inside, literally, i mean its been since september now, and all i tink about is him, i really do love him and i just dont know what i can do, i know it is a lost cause, but i dont think i will ever get over him, i been trying since frickin septmeber, he was something special, he will always have a special place in my heart, i have had offers from some v fit guys, but turned them down, i just havent felt up to being with anyone else, they r not him, it is not the same, i know it seems lame, but that is how it feels to me, everyone says it will take time, u will get over him, but i dont think anyone understands how special he was to me....