This is really going to hurt him

As per, the situation's a bit complicated, but I'll keep it brief.

In a nutshell, my ex-boyfriend has just been in touch with me to tell me he thinks our break-up (12 months ago) was a huge mistake. We were very close, as serious as a 'young relationship' could be for 4 years, but we broke up during my second year at university.
I am currently in a loving, happy relationship and have been for nine months. My ex was in a relationship of six months, but he ended this yesterday due to his feelings for me. He has also confided in his friends (our mutual friends) and his parents (who I was naturally close to after all that time) that he intends to ask me back out and make it for keeps.
We have spoken a few times over the past week and he has made his feelings very clear. He seems pretty desperate to win me back and is being very kind, loving, sincere etc. I don't know what to say to this.
I have agreed to meet him for a coffee later this week (which I already feel awfully guilty about and I think is a betrayal to my current boyfriend) because I want to rationally talk things through with him.

I still care about him very much, but I think I have to tell him that we cannot get back together. The problem is, I really really can't stand the thought of hurting his feelings. I still have some level of love for him (in a friendship sense, i'm pretty sure) and I don't want to leave him heartbroken. I also don't want to embarrass him by rejecting him after he's told the world and broken up with a girl I know he was happy with. The thought of doing this is really getting me down. Argh, I don't want to upset anybody, but I know that's impossible.

Any advice on how to do this??

Reply 1

rosetinted

2

It has to be done. Don't draw it out and let him keep thinking you will get back together if you won't. You have to tell him as quickly as you can without being insensitive. It's crueler to give him false hope.

Reply 2

Redefined

13

Regardless of any other factor, you don't want to be with him now. You have to just come out with it and tell him now. No easy way out that I can see soz :frown:

Reply 3

Mark_UK

Wow thats quite complicated. Like you said its inevitable that someone will get hurt. Go have this coffee with your ex, you seem quite sure that you dont want to get back with him so tell him when you meet. Or you could just say that meeting is not a good idea because you are happy in ur current relationship. You were with this guy a hell of a long time so ultimately you have to decide do you want to go back with him and be with him forever or do you want to stop with you current partner.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

rosetinted

It has to be done. Don't draw it out and let him keep thinking you will get back together if you won't. You have to tell him as quickly as you can without being insensitive. It's crueler to give him false hope.

Yes, I really don't want to draw it out at all, but I can't bear to do it over the phone (I'm not near him right now). I want to have a proper chat and make the damage minimal. When he's been talking this week I'll admit I have been avoiding the question. :frown:

At the most I've said i'll have a think, which I know is so so bad. Argh.

Also, i'm not going to lie, him saying all this stuff has come as a real shock to me and I have danced around with the thought of it for a second or two. That is also worrying me and making me confused. I'm 99% sure I don't want it, but even considering it is making me wonder and feel guilty! :frown:

I'm thinking it's probably natural, well I hope so.

Reply 5

envoy

In addition to what the others have said about being honest I would add that it would be worthwhile remembering that he *chose* to break up with this girl and to tell people about his intentions before speaking to you i.e. all that was beyond your influence, though as a decent person you are sensitive to it.
All you can do is tell him your thoughts and feelings about the situation,

Reply 6

rosetinted

2

There is nothing wrong with considering the idea. I don't think it's disrespectful to your current boyfriend that you have thought about it. You'd not be human if you didn't wonder. You and your ex have a lot of history together, but ultimately you need to think about the reasons you broke up. If they are still valid then nothing has changed and there is no reason it would work any better now.

I would say that this should be done face to face. You owe him that, surely? I'm not saying it'll be easy to do, but you didn't ask him to break up with his girlfriend. Don't blame yourself for the fact he did this. He's taken a gamble and won't end up with the result he wanted, but it has all been his choices and it's not your responsibility to look after him, he's a grown lad. He knew full well that you might be with someone so try and lessen the blow and let him know soon.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

OP

envoy

In addition to what the others have said about being honest I would add that it would be worthwhile remembering that he *chose* to break up with this girl and to tell people about his intentions before speaking to you i.e. all that was beyond your influence, though as a decent person you are sensitive to it.
All you can do is tell him your thoughts and feelings about the situation,

True. He did threaten to do it, and I did try to dissuade him, but I suppose she couldn't have been right for him if he'd consider breaking up with her in the first place.
Thing is, if I thought (if only for a very short while) about breaking up with my boyfriend, does that mean something?? As i've said, I'm 99% certain it's a no-no, but what does the 1% mean?

Methinks I might be thinking about this just a little too much!!

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

OP

rosetinted

There is nothing wrong with considering the idea. I don't think it's disrespectful to your current boyfriend that you have thought about it. You'd not be human if you didn't wonder. You and your ex have a lot of history together, but ultimately you need to think about the reasons you broke up. If they are still valid then nothing has changed and there is no reason it would work any better now.

I would say that this should be done face to face. You owe him that, surely? I'm not saying it'll be easy to do, but you didn't ask him to break up with his girlfriend. Don't blame yourself for the fact he did this. He's taken a gamble and won't end up with the result he wanted, but it has all been his choices and it's not your responsibility to look after him, he's a grown lad. He knew full well that you might be with someone so try and lessen the blow and let him know soon.

Yep, am only human, I guess considering is ok.
The reasons we broke up? Well, we were both young and didn't really appreciate what we had, I guess. By the end of the relationship we were fighting, shouting and even cheating on each other! (We both cheated once).
Thing is, we've grown up and he promises this will change. He's really trying to sweet talk me, and considering the leftover sentiment, I'm scared he's having an effect. :frown:

Thanks for your advice

Reply 9

rosetinted

2

Well whenever I'm trying to make a difficult decision I write down the positive and negative points of each outcome. Sometimes your emotions are surging and you have to try and be a bit more clinical about it and break it down a bit. After breaking up you probably fantasised at some point about a fabulous reunion where he'd come back and tell you that you're the one for him. Well make sure not to confuse fantasy with the reality of the situation. Really consider what you have and would be giving up as well as what you might stand to gain.

Surely it's better to fully consider your options and end up with the right person for the right reasons. I do think that you might be slightly romanticising the idea of getting back together with him, take care and make a decision with your head and heart.

Reply 10

username47781

20

Well if you left your current partner what happens if it breaks down with your ex again and your current partner finds someone else, you gotta think that way they usually say you shouldn't always go back, there's no easy way of putting it but if you feel that there's no chance of you and your ex getting back to together then you have to be firm, by all means meet him for a coffee. You also gotta think do you really love your current fella do you really want to hurt him by leaving him for your ex.

This is really going to hurt him

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