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Sister wont go to school. watch

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    Hey everyone.

    I need some advice and help asap.

    My sister used to love going to school when she was younger, she'd never take a day off. Since going to secondary school though, it seems to have all gone horribly wrong. She is nearly 14 now so in year 9. She doesnt have many friends but she has a couple. My mum picks up one of her "best" friends and takes her to school every morning (well the mornings that my sister goes in). This "best" friend isnt really a best friend as such, its only really cos they've been together since they were in year 1 but her friend and my sister arent the same anymore. My sister doesnt really take much care of herself, she'd go days without having a shower if she could get away with it. She has started to look after her hair and put make-up on but anyway, sorry im going away from the point now...

    The school have tried absolutely everything with her...she did start to go in but she hasnt done a full week since last september and even then shes only done 1 full week. She just keeps saying she doesnt feel well, when we know shes well enough to go into school. Shes allowed to go round with her friend to her friends classes now, shes been allowed not to do p.e. Seriously the school has done so much but she just doesnt bother. My dad leaves for work about 7am every weekday morning but he is too strict with her so she wont go in with him....then with my mum, my sister thinks shes too soft so can get round her easily. My mum just ends up crying cos she cant take anymore.

    We seriously do not know what to do anymore. The school have said that they are going to take us to court if she doesnt go in...its just a matter of when they're gonna do that scares us. We dont know when they're going to take action. It means my parents get a criminal record and if that happens, my dad loses his job which definitely cant happen as its a really good job.

    So please, if anyone has any advice at all...any links or anything then please let me know. Myabe we need someone to come round and talk to my sister i dont know i really dont. But please help!!!

    Sorry its a long post but i need help desperatly!!! Thanks.

    Karen x
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    My sister did exactly the same thing when she reached 14, I'd just left for uni so couldnt really do much about it but it was horrible when I went home and had to listen to the screaming matches in the morning ending up with both my mum and sister in tears.
    They can't take anyone (mum sis dad) to court if they have tried to get your sister to go to school, i.e. kept in regular contact with the school, got work sent home and generally maintained the best relationship possible with the school. Even if this is not the case I seriously doubt they would take them to court, its fairly rare.
    In the end my mum ended up trying to take my sis into school. didnt work, she ran away from home a few times and generally played up. Mum then found a teacher at the school who helped so much, they let her come in at one point in the day to pick up work and she could either take it home or take it to the library. This teacher then tried to speak to my sis about it, as well as her friends, and it seemed that nothing was wrong.
    In the end my mum faught with the school board to get her into another school, hard work but she managed it and my sis has had next to no time of at all.

    My advice would to be to keep her trying with her friends, get her to invite them to tea and things, and help her to keep up with the work shes missing. And if worse comes to worse to try and move schools.
    But PLEASE take her side, i know it sounds weird but she needs to know someone is on her side and wont try and push her into school, I tried to fight with my sis to make her go to school and it made things worse, she ended up thinking everyone hated her. But once we got the sisterly friendship back on track she was able to talk to me about things.

    good luck! XxX
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    Thanks, I have tried but she wont do the whole sisterly thing with me. If we are nice to her, then she takes advantage of us and as soon as we say she cant have something she goes mad at us and is very rude.
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    I think anyone can understand your concern for the well being of your family. I myself was in the same situation, not yours, but your sisters. During year 8 and 9, but especially 10 i was truanting from school constantly, my attendance was always in the low 50%, and my attendance to classes were somewhere between 20-30%. My school seriously threatened to take me to court, I obviously do not know your sister, but what got me to stop bunking was two things.
    1 - I grasped the seriousness of the issue and I knew that I would not be able to live with myself if my parents went to court, especially with the fact that I come from a low income family so it would have meant inevitable prison sentence.
    2 - I realised that there was a good chance that I would not even achieve the minimum 5 A-C passes requirement for A levels with my attendance.

    Note. I personally did get bullied during secondary school, not severely but it was enough to put me off school. Possibly its an issue like that, hopefully its not, but it could be and its very hard for the victims to come forward.

    I would not want to upset you but the truth is I don't think you can ever force someone to school unless they realise the situation. I would say, let her be for a time till she realises what she is causing though that would probably take too long. Who ever is closest to her in the family could possibly talk to her and explain in a friendly way of the consequence of her actions to the family, unless she really hates you lot I think she may get her act together. Also possible rewards for attending, e.g. increase attendance by 100-20% and a weekend in Paris, maybe?

    Good luck mate.
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    I was saddened to read your post and the effects that your sister's reluctance to go to school is having on herself and those who love her.

    It seems that so far, all the actions that have been taken are treating the symptoms of non-attendance rather than getting to the cause.

    The overall picture you paint illustrates a person who seems to be alienated within the school community for some reason and who lacks self-esteem.

    She needs urgent, positive help that may come about through some sort of 'external agency' counselling. Is she on the 'school action' list for additional needs or 'school action plus'?

    She should have a 'pastoral support plan' drawn up that is agreed with the school staff, parents and herself. This will endeavour to put strategies in place enabling her to cope with situations in school that are causing her stress, targets for her to achieve in 'small steps' and encouragement for her efforts. The plan needs to be reviewed on a regular basis with input from all concerned. It is imperative that her parents liaise with the school enabling 'effective communication' which will ultimately lead to a successful resolution.

    The first and most important thing is to get someone who is not emotionally involved with your sister to 'listen' to her. This alone will help your sister to get some 'insight' into her own problems, and put her in a position of power to deal with them herself - but this takes time.

    It would be good to hear how she gets on.
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    (Original post by sparkle86)
    Thanks, I have tried but she wont do the whole sisterly thing with me. If we are nice to her, then she takes advantage of us and as soon as we say she cant have something she goes mad at us and is very rude.
    my sister was and still is the same. what I did is (after letting my parents know so I didnt get yelled at) is took her side with everything, letting her know that there is someone on her side. She might not show you that she appreciates this i still got shouted at and was told regulary that I was hated but in the end she did need to know someone was on her side.
    We never got to know the cause of why she stopped going to school, and i doubt we ever will.
    But I agree with what someone else said about her needing some kind of support in school, be it school nurse, PE teacher or receptionist.
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    My sister does exactly the same thing and has done for years, infact she is off of school right now. There really is nothing you can do about it really, we have tried everything and once we solve one of her made up problems there is another one to deal with straight after. I think she is just completely idle, she has 60% attendance this year.
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    (Original post by yawn)
    I was saddened to read your post and the effects that your sister's reluctance to go to school is having on herself and those who love her.

    It seems that so far, all the actions that have been taken are treating the symptoms of non-attendance rather than getting to the cause.

    The overall picture you paint illustrates a person who seems to be alienated within the school community for some reason and who lacks self-esteem.

    She needs urgent, positive help that may come about through some sort of 'external agency' counselling. Is she on the 'school action' list for additional needs or 'school action plus'?

    She should have a 'pastoral support plan' drawn up that is agreed with the school staff, parents and herself. This will endeavour to put strategies in place enabling her to cope with situations in school that are causing her stress, targets for her to achieve in 'small steps' and encouragement for her efforts. The plan needs to be reviewed on a regular basis with input from all concerned. It is imperative that her parents liaise with the school enabling 'effective communication' which will ultimately lead to a successful resolution.

    The first and most important thing is to get someone who is not emotionally involved with your sister to 'listen' to her. This alone will help your sister to get some 'insight' into her own problems, and put her in a position of power to deal with them herself - but this takes time.

    It would be good to hear how she gets on.
    we asked her if she could go around with her best friend to all her lessons...she said yes id go in then....so we've done that for her but shes only gone in a couple of times, now shes back to not bothering again. out of school counselling, there is a 6 month to a year waiting list and to pay ourselves is too expensive for us, my parents really cant afford that. the school have done so much, there really is nothing more they are allowed to do.

    i will be totally taken advantage of by my sister if i keep sticking up for her. i have tried time and time again. we all have and we all just get kicked in the teeth. i think it is just beacuse my parents havent been tough on her, shes had everything far too easy. like i said, my mum got tough yesterday and she went in. my mum managed not to break down yesterday so my sister went in. once shes in, shes fine.

    seriously, we have all told her about the consequences and she just does not care!

    Karen x
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    Does your mum work? If she doesn't, you could try letting your sister not go to school, but make her do the housework instead. Pick the nasty jobs, like cleaning the toilet. She may decide school is better than this.
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    (Original post by Juno)
    Does your mum work? If she doesn't, you could try letting your sister not go to school, but make her do the housework instead. Pick the nasty jobs, like cleaning the toilet. She may decide school is better than this.
    my mum only works part-time and when my parents have asked her to do stuff, she just says no thats not fair and doesnt do it. if my parents keep on at her and she does end up doing it, she wont do it properly and make a huge scene about it. she'll do anything to get out of doing something. she will cry, scream, roll around on the floor like a baby until we give up.
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    Have you tried parentline? They'll be able to give support and advice. Also, the forums on MSE are full of useful advice, so you could try them.
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    ive looked on parentline and cant find anything that would help us.
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    Well, they have a helpline to phone :rolleyes:
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    (Original post by Juno)
    Well, they have a helpline to phone :rolleyes:
    i have emailed them, thanks x
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    They may just be able to offer support, but if your mum ends up crying it sounds like she needs support!
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    Hey everyone.

    Just like to say thanks for all your support and advice. Im very grateful and its helped alot. My sister went into school yesterday as she's stayed over at her friends house the night before and shes gone in today. she's like that....some days she cant be bothered and makes it hell for us here and other days she'll go in with no fuss at all like shes had no time off.

    But anyway, i can see that shes not really got anyone to talk to about anything in here....its not a nice atmosphere mainly towards her cos we're all so annoyed with her for not going in but i decided to be nice to her last night cos she needs someone who she feels she can go to and chat with. It was difficult at first and she was a bit nasty to me but i kept being nice and nicely telling her not to be rude to me and she came round after a while which was good. She even spent some time with me in my room last night while i was tidying it and we listened to some music and it was really nice.

    I got her chatting to my friend who is a nursery nurse which is what my sister wants to be and my sister became alot more positive and said she'd like to go to college etc etc. I emailed a company called connexions, dont know if any of you have heard of it...its somewhere young people can go to talk about their career or school etc etc and they emailed me back with alot of advice and support and said my sister could go in and chat if she wanted to so i spoke to my sister about it and she said yes but only with me. So we're gonna do that. Im surprised how quickly she came around to me being nice actually. If i had just been horrible to her then nothing would of been resolved.

    Anyway sorry for rambling on as always, just thought id give you and update and say thank you.

    Karen x
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    Threaten to chop off her fingers.
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    (Original post by sparkle86)
    Hey everyone.

    Just like to say thanks for all your support and advice. Im very grateful and its helped alot. My sister went into school yesterday as she's stayed over at her friends house the night before and shes gone in today. she's like that....some days she cant be bothered and makes it hell for us here and other days she'll go in with no fuss at all like shes had no time off.

    But anyway, i can see that shes not really got anyone to talk to about anything in here....its not a nice atmosphere mainly towards her cos we're all so annoyed with her for not going in but i decided to be nice to her last night cos she needs someone who she feels she can go to and chat with. It was difficult at first and she was a bit nasty to me but i kept being nice and nicely telling her not to be rude to me and she came round after a while which was good. She even spent some time with me in my room last night while i was tidying it and we listened to some music and it was really nice.

    I got her chatting to my friend who is a nursery nurse which is what my sister wants to be and my sister became alot more positive and said she'd like to go to college etc etc. I emailed a company called connexions, dont know if any of you have heard of it...its somewhere young people can go to talk about their career or school etc etc and they emailed me back with alot of advice and support and said my sister could go in and chat if she wanted to so i spoke to my sister about it and she said yes but only with me. So we're gonna do that. Im surprised how quickly she came around to me being nice actually. If i had just been horrible to her then nothing would of been resolved.

    Anyway sorry for rambling on as always, just thought id give you and update and say thank you.

    Karen x
    The art of being a good listener is to actually listen to what the other person is trying to say without being judgemental. You have learnt a good lesson for the future.

    No one wants to be excluded just for the sake of it. Sometimes barriers are put up to avoid any more hurt. You have managed to 'break through' some of the barriers your sister has erected - well done and keep it up by being supportive.

    Connexions is an organisation, funded by central Government and affiliated to local eduction authorities. They have a wealth of experience and give a lot of good advice as well as being able to help with networking of other agencies.

    I sincerely hope that your sister is able to persue something that is meaningful to her and raises her self esteem.
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    Sometimes that's all you need. I was bullied really badly at 2 schools, just because I was intelligent so I stopped working....but when it came down to it I changed schools and got better GCSE's than most. Maybe a change of scenery is what she needs, she's too young to quit school and train to do her Btech or NVQ but see if she could get placements in a nursery just for half a day a week maybe to see if that is something she does really want to do, that way not only will she maybe find a placement for when she's on the course but make more friends. Lots of nn's are young single girls so she may find people there to talk to.
    She could be having other problems and you may never know but hopefully she seems more interested in having a focus in her life.........Hope it all goes well PM if you want xx
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    (Original post by anjimcflanji)
    she's too young to quit school and train to do her Btech or NVQ but see if she could get placements in a nursery just for half a day a week maybe to see if that is something she does really want to do, that way not only will she maybe find a placement for when she's on the course but make more friends. Lots of nn's are young single girls so she may find people there to talk to.
    yea but shes only 14, will some places let girls in at that age? they wont be able to pay her surely?

    karen x
 
 
 
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