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How can I get over him?
Hi
Well my boyfriend of 3 and half years split up with me last weekend, totally unexpectidly as he had never spoken of his problems with me before. I was obviously devastated as we got on so well, have grown up together, done everything together and never fought
His reasoning was just seeing me more as a friend now, ie his feelings have gone. Although I refuse to believe that his feelings can have completly gone after so long, and especially because he cried when he split up with me, something he has never done all the time we have been together. Surely that means he loves me? We both started uni in September, and he says the distance isnt the cause, it was just that he doesn't have any passion left for me anymore, just as friends. He was adamant he wanted to still be my best friend, and said he couldnt lose me as a friend. Basically we have spoken a couple of times since, the first in which I tried to convince him to change his mind and he said no, and the 2nd in which I pretended to be fine for his sake, and spoke to him as a friend.
Basically I am trying my best to get over him, but everytime I wake up in the morning I feel all happy cus my brain thinks he is still there, and then I realise hes not mine anymore and just feel so sad. I know I have to accept it, but it's so hard to do so when you have been with someone well like all my latter school life! (since yr 10). Being at uni helps, iv gone out more last week to try and take my mind off it, but now i have run out of money!
Being friends isnt making it harder if thats what people are going to say, it makes it easier when i speak to him cus it reminds me that even though i cant be intimate with him now, were still on the same wave length. I wish we were closer to each other so we cud meet up and talk about it, but i possibly have to wait until easter hols to do this! someone help...how can i stop feeling like this every morning! Its affecting my work now as I cant concentrate properly and have no motivation to go to uni!
Well my boyfriend of 3 and half years split up with me last weekend, totally unexpectidly as he had never spoken of his problems with me before. I was obviously devastated as we got on so well, have grown up together, done everything together and never fought
His reasoning was just seeing me more as a friend now, ie his feelings have gone. Although I refuse to believe that his feelings can have completly gone after so long, and especially because he cried when he split up with me, something he has never done all the time we have been together. Surely that means he loves me? We both started uni in September, and he says the distance isnt the cause, it was just that he doesn't have any passion left for me anymore, just as friends. He was adamant he wanted to still be my best friend, and said he couldnt lose me as a friend. Basically we have spoken a couple of times since, the first in which I tried to convince him to change his mind and he said no, and the 2nd in which I pretended to be fine for his sake, and spoke to him as a friend. Basically I am trying my best to get over him, but everytime I wake up in the morning I feel all happy cus my brain thinks he is still there, and then I realise hes not mine anymore and just feel so sad. I know I have to accept it, but it's so hard to do so when you have been with someone well like all my latter school life! (since yr 10). Being at uni helps, iv gone out more last week to try and take my mind off it, but now i have run out of money!
Being friends isnt making it harder if thats what people are going to say, it makes it easier when i speak to him cus it reminds me that even though i cant be intimate with him now, were still on the same wave length. I wish we were closer to each other so we cud meet up and talk about it, but i possibly have to wait until easter hols to do this! someone help...how can i stop feeling like this every morning! Its affecting my work now as I cant concentrate properly and have no motivation to go to uni!
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Reply 1
That sounds frighteningly similar to my situation - boyfriend broke up with me last Monday, we'd have been together for 3 years today if we'd stayed together. I think the main problem was that I'm still at college and he's at uni (Bristol too, funnily enough!). I think he just grew away from me. He said he was confused as he still loved me as a friend, but nothing more, which I said was fair enough, and we decided to end it.
I'm finding it very hard, but one good thing is that he said on the phone when we split that he thought we shouldn't speak for a couple of weeks, which although I didn't like at the time, I think is right. I know if I'd tried speaking to him this time last week, I'd have just cried and begged him to go back out with me - not very good. I think all you can do, hard as it may be, is decide together that you'll give each other a bit of space, then just go away and look at yourself. I've just been thinking about all the good times we had together and how grateful I am to have had the security of a good relationship while I was growing up (I was 14 when we started going out, 17 now). And I really hope that after we've had a few weeks to cool down, we can still be friends, nobody knows me better than him and vice versa, and it'd be a shame not to stay friends after such a lot of shared history.
So basically, I'd say step back from the relationship for a bit and try to keep contact with him to a minimum to make it a clean break. Go out with your friends, get a nice new haircut, go shopping, and do things that remind you that you are a great person by yourself, and be thankful for what you took from your relationship with this guy and look forward to when you can be friends again and just look back at this and laugh. Keep smiling
If you want to talk, PM me.
I'm finding it very hard, but one good thing is that he said on the phone when we split that he thought we shouldn't speak for a couple of weeks, which although I didn't like at the time, I think is right. I know if I'd tried speaking to him this time last week, I'd have just cried and begged him to go back out with me - not very good. I think all you can do, hard as it may be, is decide together that you'll give each other a bit of space, then just go away and look at yourself. I've just been thinking about all the good times we had together and how grateful I am to have had the security of a good relationship while I was growing up (I was 14 when we started going out, 17 now). And I really hope that after we've had a few weeks to cool down, we can still be friends, nobody knows me better than him and vice versa, and it'd be a shame not to stay friends after such a lot of shared history.
So basically, I'd say step back from the relationship for a bit and try to keep contact with him to a minimum to make it a clean break. Go out with your friends, get a nice new haircut, go shopping, and do things that remind you that you are a great person by yourself, and be thankful for what you took from your relationship with this guy and look forward to when you can be friends again and just look back at this and laugh. Keep smiling
If you want to talk, PM me.Reply 2
thanks for the advice, very useful yes that situation sounds exactly like mine, cept we are both at uni. What does he do at bristol? Yea we have done the not speaking thing, well for a week, we agreed that was best, i am willing to accept it now, like weve spoken on the fone on saturday without mentioning it, and he said how glad he was that I could be his friend. Im glad someone else understands! I do look at the pictures and smile, I still have them on my wall as i dont think taking them down is what i want, cus he is still a very important part of my life. But sometimes i look at them and cant believe that that is over, I dont know why but i thought we wud be together well...forever. I suppose uni is hard, and im still glad hes my friend! hanks for the advice, very very appreciated
Reply 3
I know what you mean about the pictures - it's not just something I want to put in a box and try and forget about, cos the times I spent with him were some of the best of my life. He's doing chemistry (crazy, crazy boy).
Anyhoo, glad to hear you're feeling ok and speaking to him again, I'm just looking forward to the end of this week which is the end of our 2-week cut-off thing. We'll manage
Anyhoo, glad to hear you're feeling ok and speaking to him again, I'm just looking forward to the end of this week which is the end of our 2-week cut-off thing. We'll manage
Reply 4
This is just my prob.
Sit it out We split up (had been together 3 years, too) for 6 months, then he came back begging on xmas eve saying how sorry he was. I didn't take him back at first, but I really did miss him and he really hurt me when he ended it. It's all fab, now. 
Sit it out
We split up (had been together 3 years, too) for 6 months, then he came back begging on xmas eve saying how sorry he was. I didn't take him back at first, but I really did miss him and he really hurt me when he ended it. It's all fab, now. Reply 5
15
loads of people will probably disagree with me, but it must be said...the best way of getting over someone is just to go sleep with someone else. random sex makes everything all better
Reply 6
13
again, feels so much like my situation, cept its been since september now when he went to uni, and im still not over him, we did the cutting off stuff etc and are still like best friends, but i still love him, he was such an important part of my life, i dont know if i will ever be able to let go or if anyone will ever be able to fill that gap...
Reply 7
Honestly, there will be another person who you'll have just as amazing experiences with. It does take a while, and you will probably think of them quite often with fond memories for a long long time (maybe always). However eventually the feelings of actually wanting them will subside and you'll be able to fall in love again. It's good to have some time for yourself before you start looking, you can do anything you want without having to worry about a significant other, and maybe find out extra things about yourself in the process x
Reply 8
grace
loads of people will probably disagree with me, but it must be said...the best way of getting over someone is just to go sleep with someone else. random sex makes everything all better
definitely the best way to get over someone. dont enter another relationship but a good fbuddy is allways the answer for me (well 1 nite stands r more fun but your more likely to pick up something nasty (or some1 nasty come to think of it). experimentation is fun and think about it, u have missed out of 3 years worth of it as it is!
ps i like u grace
pps isnt it better that it ended like that when u still have your ex for support rather than as an enemy?
Reply 9
grace
loads of people will probably disagree with me, but it must be said...the best way of getting over someone is just to go sleep with someone else. random sex makes everything all better
Getting a STD won't help you get over a relationship...
I'm in a very similar position with my girlfriend. We've been together for three years and now everything seems uncertain. It's comforting to know that others are in the same boat. It annoys me so much when people start crying after the love of their life leaves them.. when they were only together for a month.
Reply 10
15
Pentatonic
Getting a STD won't help you get over a relationship...
it is possible to have sex without getting an std ya know. sheesh.Reply 11
grace
loads of people will probably disagree with me, but it must be said...the best way of getting over someone is just to go sleep with someone else. random sex makes everything all better
I agree with you. I just think it's a bit of a depressing idea
The reason you probably get over the ex that way is because the shared intimacy with him/her is a huge part of the relationship. Once you've shared it with some randomer, it no longer seems so special.
Reply 12
14
I was in a very similar situation about two and a half years ago.
My boyfriend and I had been together for two years, but one day when he was in Yr 13 and I was in Yr 12, he told me that he wasn't 'in love' with me any more - he just saw me as a friend. He cried, and for a while that made me optimistic that perhaps this was hurting him as much as it hurt me, and he'd realise he was making a mistake. As it turns out, we talked a year later and he told me that he cried because he felt guilty for upsetting me, not because it hurt him to not be with me anymore. There was also an element of relief that made him cry, because it'd been on his mind for over a week and had been stopping him sleeping etc.
He said that he wanted us to be the very best of friends and that he still cared about me deeply, but it would probably be a good idea for us not to speak for a few weeks whilst I sorted myself out. I stupidly disagreed and insisted that we still saw each other sometimes, but whenever we did I'd end up crying and trying to get him to take me back! I was pathetic, I really don't recommend it!
You'll be alright eventually, it'll all work out in the end. You'll either find someone new (most likely) or he might one day change his mind (less likely, but still possible). It happened to me, we've been back together for about a year and a half Even so, you have to assume it won't happen that way otherwise you'll miss out on loads of opportunities. A little hope can get you through the bad times though.
Hope everything goes well for you
My boyfriend and I had been together for two years, but one day when he was in Yr 13 and I was in Yr 12, he told me that he wasn't 'in love' with me any more - he just saw me as a friend. He cried, and for a while that made me optimistic that perhaps this was hurting him as much as it hurt me, and he'd realise he was making a mistake. As it turns out, we talked a year later and he told me that he cried because he felt guilty for upsetting me, not because it hurt him to not be with me anymore. There was also an element of relief that made him cry, because it'd been on his mind for over a week and had been stopping him sleeping etc.
He said that he wanted us to be the very best of friends and that he still cared about me deeply, but it would probably be a good idea for us not to speak for a few weeks whilst I sorted myself out. I stupidly disagreed and insisted that we still saw each other sometimes, but whenever we did I'd end up crying and trying to get him to take me back! I was pathetic, I really don't recommend it!
You'll be alright eventually, it'll all work out in the end. You'll either find someone new (most likely) or he might one day change his mind (less likely, but still possible). It happened to me, we've been back together for about a year and a half
Even so, you have to assume it won't happen that way otherwise you'll miss out on loads of opportunities. A little hope can get you through the bad times though.Hope everything goes well for you
Reply 13
13
grace
loads of people will probably disagree with me, but it must be said...the best way of getting over someone is just to go sleep with someone else. random sex makes everything all better
oui oui - best remedy to get over a boy is to get under another one
good advice which i don't think i would be able to follow myself. ha.
Reply 14
15
pumpkin7
oui oui - best remedy to get over a boy is to get under another one .
or on top of another one...
lollooks like people are agreeing with me, yay.
Reply 15
lol ditto
The attention from another nice young boy does a lot to take your mind off it
The attention from another nice young boy does a lot to take your mind off it
Reply 16
Doesnt always work though. The new guy has to really be good, or else you may find yourself feeling 10x worse because the comparison leaves you without. My advice would be for you to just concentrate on studies, find a hobby, exercise hardcore, try to travel, and spend time with family and friends. And you must keep your motivation for university! What do you plan to do with your life if you dont complete your studies? Learn to be happy with yourself and invest in yourself. If you feel desperate and lonely, I recomend dealing with it first before dating someone else. You may be surprised to find that the root cause of it is not totally the loss of your former relationship.
p.s.----I know how you feel! I went through this myself recently and its so horrible. I felt very devastated and was nearly ill from my heartbreak. I thought I was going to marry this guy whom I had been involved with for 6 years. Im sorry and I hope all works out well for you.
p.s.----I know how you feel! I went through this myself recently and its so horrible. I felt very devastated and was nearly ill from my heartbreak. I thought I was going to marry this guy whom I had been involved with for 6 years. Im sorry and I hope all works out well for you.
Reply 17
SamTheMan
I agree with you. I just think it's a bit of a depressing idea
The reason you probably get over the ex that way is because the shared intimacy with him/her is a huge part of the relationship. Once you've shared it with some randomer, it no longer seems so special.
The reason you probably get over the ex that way is because the shared intimacy with him/her is a huge part of the relationship. Once you've shared it with some randomer, it no longer seems so special.
nah stop being so phyco-analytical or whatever the words is. if u have just been dumped by a guy who "no longer finds u attractive" then finding a man/men who do find u attractive is a good ego boost i expect (never been in that situation tbh). not to mention in a relationship u have sex on tap and suddenly u dont (which is a problem for me) and if u r having sex with some random then u rnt at home moping.
ps if u cant find a guy as good in bed as your ex then put your time and effort into training up your fbuddy
Reply 18
15
I've never been with someone for 3 years, my longest is over a year, and we're still together. But I guess part of what makes it hard is that he was (I assume!) your first serious boyfriend and so it is hard to imagine your life panning out without him. I think the idea of not talking for a couple of weeks is a good one. Not that two weeks is all it will take to get over him, but just to prevent getting further hurt at this stage. Treat yourself. Do things that you would never have normally done without him on your own or with friends. For me it would be going to the theatre. I've never been without him, because we both share a love of performance and there has never been a show that I wanted to see that he didn't. Maybe buy yourself some flowers or some other treat (not chocolate- emotional over-eating will just make you feel worse!). Maybe a nice new set of silk underwear, because it can make you feel sensual and confident even if nobody's going to see it. I wouldn't necessarily recommend rebound sex if it's going to make you feel bad about yourself but it certainly helps to see that you are desired by other people... And most importantly, don't expect the pain to go away too soon. Let yourself grieve as much as you need. You may not be able to see a way for it to stop hurting, but one day it will stop. It may take months or years but it will be alright.
And most importantly, don't expect the pain to go away too soon. Let yourself grieve as much as you need. You may not be able to see a way for it to stop hurting, but one day it will stop. It may take months or years but it will be alright.Reply 19
thank you all for your replies all helpful, random sex is maybe the way to get over things, but im not into that so ill pass on that. It would just make me feel horrible and worse. As for the 'he dont find you atractive' thats not true cus he told me he really does, its just the spark aint there. Glad to hear some of your encouraging stories of getting back together. I aint gona beg him, or even hold on, just have to get on with things. Being his friend is most important to me, as he knows me so well and we get on amazingly well. Im gonna dye my hair tonight woo and then maybe give him a call, see how hes doin (altho not mention the relationship stuff) Thanks guys! very helpful stuff
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