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Boyfriend goes soft second time round, why?

So the first time we had sex we went several rounds. But thats never happened again since!

For a while he had problems with premature ejaculation, and it's been so frustrating for both of us. But then we had sex recently and after weeks/months of PE, it seemed resolved. We had really passionate sex once, then waited about 20 mins, he got hard again and said he was close - then started to go soft. No matter what I did, kissing/licking his penis, trying to arouse him again it stayed soft.

He apologised, and I said it was fine. But this has happened once before - he couldn't get hard a second time round, so we left it to the morning. But the same thing happened! And although I try to eliminate the feeling that its my fault, it makes me feel awful to have him go soft inside me. I think I could probably deal with it for a while, but I think then it would start grating on my self esteem.

I don't understand why he gets hard/would be close to coming then suddenly go soft? Any thoughts on why/what we can do?
Reply 1
Come on folks, some help please?

A part of me was thinking that maybe it got boring for him after a while (second time round). I had been on top and after we had intercourse the first time round, we kept kissing and touching and his second erection appeared/surprised me! He says he really likes me being on top/often prefers it, but if he's going soft this way surely it must've got boring after a while?
Reply 2
Original post by Anonymous
Come on folks, some help please?

A part of me was thinking that maybe it got boring for him after a while (second time round). I had been on top and after we had intercourse the first time round, we kept kissing and touching and his second erection appeared/surprised me! He says he really likes me being on top/often prefers it, but if he's going soft this way surely it must've got boring after a while?


I highly doubt it's your fault. It's much harder to keep it up the "second time round", especially if it's a few minutes later or something. Don't worry about it :rolleyes:
Reply 3
Original post by TheGoat
I highly doubt it's your fault. It's much harder to keep it up the "second time round", especially if it's a few minutes later or something. Don't worry about it :rolleyes:


It possibly wouldn't worry me as much...if it wasn't for the fact that the time before - our try at a second round wasn't til the next morning which was about 8 hours apart from the first time. Surely that would be more than enough time in between!?
It happens to me sometimes. Maybe he had to pee? That can play some nasty tricks on a guy's cock, especially in the morning. Or sometimes you misjudge how much energy you have and tire yourself out with too much thrusting too early on.
Reply 5
Original post by Anonymous
It possibly wouldn't worry me as much...if it wasn't for the fact that the time before - our try at a second round wasn't til the next morning which was about 8 hours apart from the first time. Surely that would be more than enough time in between!?


A penis doesn't work the same way every single time it is "used".. It's possible he's knackered, not sleeping well, or maybe he's picked up on your discomfort which is making him stressed about the whole thing. Relax, it's not a big deal and it's very unlikely that it's a reflection on you or how "boring" sex is, seeing as he can get and maintain a hard-on for the first round.
Reply 6
Original post by FrigidSymphony
It happens to me sometimes. Maybe he had to pee? That can play some nasty tricks on a guy's cock, especially in the morning. Or sometimes you misjudge how much energy you have and tire yourself out with too much thrusting too early on.


Maybe, but then again if the same thing is happening at a different time of day it probably suggests something else.

Because of the PE problem, I'll sometimes try to slow the thrusting down/tease him in slowly but this seems to encourage him to grab hold and thrust harder!
Reply 7
Original post by Anonymous
Maybe, but then again if the same thing is happening at a different time of day it probably suggests something else.

Because of the PE problem, I'll sometimes try to slow the thrusting down/tease him in slowly but this seems to encourage him to grab hold and thrust harder!


I think what we're all getting at is don't worry about it. It's probably not your fault, maybe you should just try to avoid having sex at times when he finds it hard to do so. Everyone's different :rolleyes:
Reply 8
Original post by TheGoat
I think what we're all getting at is don't worry about it. It's probably not your fault, maybe you should just try to avoid having sex at times when he finds it hard to do so. Everyone's different :rolleyes:


I know I sound so hyped up about this. :frown: But I want to experience to be good for both of us, and I know that even after good sex the first time round, when something like that happens a second time it puts a dampner on things.

Say he does find it hard to do so sometimes - I'm trying to understand why that would be. If I don't understand the reasons then I'm constantly pointing the finger at myself and I'm worried about what to do if this is recurring...

I even suggested switching to a blowjob/something else when he said he felt good to go. He seemed really aroused/up for it when he said this but then went soft - its like his feelings didn't match up with what his penis was doing.
Reply 9
Original post by Anonymous
I know I sound so hyped up about this. :frown: But I want to experience to be good for both of us, and I know that even after good sex the first time round, when something like that happens a second time it puts a dampner on things.

Say he does find it hard to do so sometimes - I'm trying to understand why that would be. If I don't understand the reasons then I'm constantly pointing the finger at myself and I'm worried about what to do if this is recurring...

I even suggested switching to a blowjob/something else when he said he felt good to go. He seemed really aroused/up for it when he said this but then went soft - its like his feelings didn't match up with what his penis was doing.


I guess it's just how our body/mind works. Even if he's really aroused and up for it, he can't control if it stays up or not. Not a lot of people go for a second round (that I know of anyway), mainly because of this same reason. :tongue:
Reply 10
Thats usually the way the first or few times you have sex with someone new, you're at it like rabbits hah.

Have you asked him if he has any fantasies/fetishes? He might have something he wants to do but scared how you might react if he told you.

How old is he? The older men get the longer they stay hard but they go for less rounds.

He might have something on his mind, stress with work/studying, he is cheating on you or suspects you are, you dress too unsexy or too sexy in the bedroom or out on the town.

Using condoms? Some guys go soft with a condom on so you have to take the condom off for him to stay hard during sex.

Maybe he feels you might not be that into him anymore. Constantly reassure him (not in a pest sort of way) how much you like/love him, always be passionate with your words, body language, the way you look at his eyes/body, basically do everything you can to make him believe you find him very attractive.

Do you both like anal? Try mixing it up, vaginal and anal in the same round. When i was with an ex who wasnt interested in anal before we got together. What we liked doing was after i orgasmed he would pull out to go anal then after a few minutes back to vaginal, OMG he felt proper rock solid for like a minute or so, so we did that constantly.

After the first round, wait a little longer than usual before kissing and playing with his penis. Maybe try talking dirty if he likes that.
Original post by Jessica20

Do you both like anal? Try mixing it up, vaginal and anal in the same round. When i was with an ex who wasnt interested in anal before we got together. What we liked doing was after i orgasmed he would pull out to go anal then after a few minutes back to vaginal, OMG he felt proper rock solid for like a minute or so, so we did that constantly.


Not to detract from the fact that this is a really, really hot thing to do, but it's a good way to get an infection. Just so you know.
Reply 12
Original post by TheGoat
I guess it's just how our body/mind works. Even if he's really aroused and up for it, he can't control if it stays up or not. Not a lot of people go for a second round (that I know of anyway), mainly because of this same reason. :tongue:


This is interesting to know.

With my first sexual partner, we would go all night without problems so I think this has unfortunately been the experience I'm comparing to :p:

When we've you've been with someone for a long time that's never went soft on you, its difficult to not think its your fault. Thanks for your replies.
Reply 13
Original post by Jessica20
Thats usually the way the first or few times you have sex with someone new, you're at it like rabbits hah.

Have you asked him if he has any fantasies/fetishes? He might have something he wants to do but scared how you might react if he told you.

How old is he? The older men get the longer they stay hard but they go for less rounds.

He might have something on his mind, stress with work/studying, he is cheating on you or suspects you are, you dress too unsexy or too sexy in the bedroom or out on the town.

Using condoms? Some guys go soft with a condom on so you have to take the condom off for him to stay hard during sex.

Maybe he feels you might not be that into him anymore. Constantly reassure him (not in a pest sort of way) how much you like/love him, always be passionate with your words, body language, the way you look at his eyes/body, basically do everything you can to make him believe you find him very attractive.

Do you both like anal? Try mixing it up, vaginal and anal in the same round. When i was with an ex who wasnt interested in anal before we got together. What we liked doing was after i orgasmed he would pull out to go anal then after a few minutes back to vaginal, OMG he felt proper rock solid for like a minute or so, so we did that constantly.

After the first round, wait a little longer than usual before kissing and playing with his penis. Maybe try talking dirty if he likes that.


Yeah. Well we've not been together very long.

- No I've not asked him, but I'm getting there. :p: I began introducing one of my fantasies the other day and he was really responsive in wanting to know more. But he's quite shy, so I think he might be reluctant to disclose any fantasies he did have. That;s why I'm easing that in... Question: to guys and girls experiences - do most men have their own set fantasies?

- He's 22.

- He has been stressed recently, as he's been over-worked but this happened sometimes before then too. As for dressing sexy...I do, but not in a tarty way. I get the balance right and I wouldn't change what I'm dressing like anyway! Why would dressing too sexy be off-putting anyway?

- Cheating and condoms are a non-issue.

- Yep, I'm always passionate with everything! Ha ha. Honestly though, going on dates together is just like a form of intense foreplay in everything we do. I am very reassuring in that aspect, and have especially recently made the effort to be so.

-I think a part of him is always conscious of not disappointing me. He always wants to make sure I'm satisfied, and I think he feels like crap when he feels he can't do that.
Lastly, I wasn't actually planning on going a second time. It was just after the first time, we both kept kissing and touching eachother, it was completely natural and not a forced thing setting us up for round two. Hence my surprise!
Reply 14
Original post by Anonymous
Yeah. Well we've not been together very long.

- No I've not asked him, but I'm getting there. :p: I began introducing one of my fantasies the other day and he was really responsive in wanting to know more. But he's quite shy, so I think he might be reluctant to disclose any fantasies he did have. That;s why I'm easing that in... Question: to guys and girls experiences - do most men have their own set fantasies?

- He's 22.

- He has been stressed recently, as he's been over-worked but this happened sometimes before then too. As for dressing sexy...I do, but not in a tarty way. I get the balance right and I wouldn't change what I'm dressing like anyway! Why would dressing too sexy be off-putting anyway?

- Cheating and condoms are a non-issue.

- Yep, I'm always passionate with everything! Ha ha. Honestly though, going on dates together is just like a form of intense foreplay in everything we do. I am very reassuring in that aspect, and have especially recently made the effort to be so.

-I think a part of him is always conscious of not disappointing me. He always wants to make sure I'm satisfied, and I think he feels like crap when he feels he can't do that.
Lastly, I wasn't actually planning on going a second time. It was just after the first time, we both kept kissing and touching eachother, it was completely natural and not a forced thing setting us up for round two. Hence my surprise!

Thats a sign he's looking for something more if he was really responsive in wanting to know more about your fantasies.
Everyone has their own different fantasies and turn on's, have you read books or seen films with call girls / escorts? that line of work is a real eye opener in understanding all the different things men are into lol.
Its all about talking it over and if a fantasy is a bit extreme then you just have to be tactful about talking it through.

"Why would dressing too sexy be off-putting anyway? "
Some men don't like it, some do. Couple examples:
You might like wearing trousers and be with a BF who hates it.
You might dress like a complete slut even as far as looking cheap, some BF's like it and some (well, majority) don't.

Anyways!
Don't expect multiple times with guys. I'd say probably most guy's after the age of 20 rarely go for a second round (if already had sex with you recently in the past).
You should see what they're like with viagra, lol... penis feels harder, and i've known one guy climax twice within like 15 seconds then 10 miutes later he was hard again.
Reply 15
Original post by Anonymous
So the first time we had sex we went several rounds. But thats never happened again since!

For a while he had problems with premature ejaculation, and it's been so frustrating for both of us. But then we had sex recently and after weeks/months of PE, it seemed resolved. We had really passionate sex once, then waited about 20 mins, he got hard again and said he was close - then started to go soft. No matter what I did, kissing/licking his penis, trying to arouse him again it stayed soft.

He apologised, and I said it was fine. But this has happened once before - he couldn't get hard a second time round, so we left it to the morning. But the same thing happened! And although I try to eliminate the feeling that its my fault, it makes me feel awful to have him go soft inside me. I think I could probably deal with it for a while, but I think then it would start grating on my self esteem.

I don't understand why he gets hard/would be close to coming then suddenly go soft? Any thoughts on why/what we can do?


In an attempt to NOT rage uncontrollably at you, a guys sexuality is often VERY difficult to deal with.
In this case, it's simply that he has a bit longer of a "refractory period" when its difficult for him to get it up. This is completely NORMAL, and there are times when it will get up and then go back down after a few minutes. After having sex, the penis is not quite as sensitive - therefore while he might get a hard there might simply not be enough stimulation to maintain it.

It's not your fault, neither is it his. Don't blame yourself, and don't blame him. Its nothing that either of you can control much, except for maybe HIS self esteem and confidence in bed.
Original post by Anonymous
This is interesting to know.

With my first sexual partner, we would go all night without problems so I think this has unfortunately been the experience I'm comparing to :p:

When we've you've been with someone for a long time that's never went soft on you, its difficult to not think its your fault. Thanks for your replies.


Never? Not even once? Are you sure you were not dating a vibrator?
Reply 17
Original post by FrigidSymphony
Not to detract from the fact that this is a really, really hot thing to do, but it's a good way to get an infection. Just so you know.


A really, really, really hot thing to do, haven't got a boner from reading something that quickly.
Reply 18
Original post by Anonymous
Never? Not even once? Are you sure you were not dating a vibrator?


Ha. :smile: Nah, with him it didn't happen once. Obviously from this I've experienced some high/possibly unrealistic expectations!
I am a guy and we just completed round one remarkablyThen after washing up we felt the urge of petting a kissing leading to the 2nd round. This time I am on top... then I got a mosquitoes' bite... then the second ... tiny itches made me lose concentration and I went soft... my girl was so pissed... I just kept quiet... but I felt very attracted to her... but asked to chill with kissing , petting etc. To concentrate more.

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