My lecturer

I'm just looking for some people's opinions on this, so please don't hold back! Okay, well basically I'm in my 1st year of study and- as I know is common-ish from reading some previous, similar threads- I find myself attracted to one of my lectures. He is in his thirties but looks mid-twenties, amazing personality, very cool guy. It's definately not some awe-struck, silly younger woman crush, more of a "Hmmm, he's really good-loking..if only he wasn't a lecturer..what if we met in different circumstances? etc. etc." wondering on my part. I don't fixate/ obsess over him, and have met other guys here. For various legit reasons we've spent some time alone together a uni, and we get on really well. I see him out a lot too, usually when he's a bit drunk I add, and this is the thing. Whenever we are out in a group he always looks over at me a lot, points me out to people he's with (discreetly) then always makes a beeline staright for me and we chat for ages. He speaks a little to my course mates, but it's always me he's coming over to and I catch him looking at me a lot from across rooms etc. He's quite flirty with me and asks me lots about myself. I am in no way initiating this..although last night I did hold his stare that much longer when we were talking and there was a real tension there. Other people are starting to notice it now and saying he likes me, so please don't say it's just wishful thinking on my part! I'm really mixed up over the whole thing, I am almost certain he fancies me from the signals he's giving me, but I don't know what he wants to do about it. And I don't know how I'd react if he did do something properly about it. As I said, I find him incredibly attractive, inside and out!Also, not sure if he's a little bit of a player, as I know he's, uh, "been with", students before. What do you think?

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

OP

* Also, he doesn't just come over to me once, he'll keep coming back and chatting with me across the course of the whole night.

Reply 2

Tyler Durden

17

Sounds like you're sensible so I suppose you have to judge whether or not it's worth it bearing in mind he's a lecturer and that he gets around. I'm sure there's a technicality which prohibits such relationships, but that's presumably not going to be much of an issue if you're both interested. I'd just see what happens, see if he carries on flirting and all the time you can make up your mind whether or not you'd be interested in taking things further.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

OP

Thank you for the advice, I think I'm going to do as you suggested and just see how it pans out. I think it's hard near on impossible to control who you're attracted to. I just don't want this to get around the year in my dept. because I think that would cause us both a fair bit of grief, whether or not semthing does or doesn't happen. Hmmm. I await other people's views...!

Reply 4

starya

to what englishstudent said. If you're not sure where you want it to go, just wait. Also, while you're waiting you might want to try and discreetly get some more information about how he's acted in the past - I would.

Reply 5

SexyKe

1

omg; you are my mate Kath!!She is going through the exact same thing with one of our lecturers and i reckon its a bad idea. Think about in a few years time and dissertation rolls round; what if he marks it/is assigned as you advice tutor and you've broke up so you lose out or you are still together and you get marked up. Its a risky game and seriously unethical by him.

Reply 6

ChemistBoy

16

There is nothing to stop a lecturer from having a personal relationship with a student, but they should declare it and thus be removed from any assessment of the student (of course, most do not). It is considered very unprofessional by the academic community but is tolerated to an extent.

Reply 7

shinytoy

18

i dont think its a good idea. the pro's are that he can give you good grades and special help with your work as a 'friend' BUT he could easily abuse the position by using the promise of good grades/threat odf failing you/no extra help in exchange for 'favours'.let him make any moves, so that youy too have power to report him.

also if you break up, things might get nasty and awkward. dont worry alot about the dissertation thing - my uni has your work submitted by candidate number only to hide ur id.

let him make the first move

Reply 8

Ariel4

1

I really wouldnt recommend getting involved with a lecturer. he will probably loose his job if people at the uni find out, although its not illegal, its frowned upon. a couple of lecturers at our uni like to get involved with first years (athough these are just rumours). if things go wrong with him, this will make it really awkward for both of you. if he marks any of your exams of coursework, hes not going to be impartial, which is unfair on other students. also if youve had a fight, he might mark you down because hes pissed off. i think its ok to just be friends, but a think a relationship with a lecturer is not a good idea.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

OP

Yeah, I get the impression he's trying to suss me out/ weigh up the situation, lots of meaningful looks, you know? I guess that makes sense because if he fully came onto me and I didn't want to reciprocate there's obviously the risk of him beng pulled up for misconduct. I think he's just being way too, I dunno what word I'm looking for...but the way he's acting really suggests there's something more to this. Plus, he has a girlfriend, though I get the impression that's not going very well

Reply 10

shinytoy

18

if he told you he has a gf, maybe he wants to make it clear to you he is taken and just likes flirting and the ego boost that a hot young girl likes him. of course he'll say things arent going good with her, otherwise you'll be put off.
if he is thinking of cheating on her with a student, he doenst respect her and probably wpouldnt treat you right either.

yes he acts like he wants more, but i think its just that he likes the idea of sleeping with a student/students crushing on him.

i think u r right that he is probably trying to suss you out in case you reject him as he has alot to lose, but also if you make the move he will just say you came onto him. leave it to him and try to find anothr guy. its not worth it.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

OP

I can completley see what you mean about ego-boost etc..that's why I'm erring towards the wary-side as much as I like him! He hasn't told me things aren't good though, I've made that assumption myself as I've seen them rowing.

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

OP

What do the mods think about all this?If you want to pass comment..

Reply 13

Angelil

19

It's a tricky situation given that lecturers aren't in loco parentis in the same way as teachers are. I would say that if you are going to go for it then tread carefully.

Plus, surely in most universities all essays are marked anonymously once they start to count towards your degree, so marking wouldn't really be an issue?

Reply 14

Ariel4

1

Angelil

It's a tricky situation given that lecturers aren't in loco parentis in the same way as teachers are. I would say that if you are going to go for it then tread carefully.

Plus, surely in most universities all essays are marked anonymously once they start to count towards your degree, so marking wouldn't really be an issue?

At my uni the essays arent marked anonymously, but the exam papers are. i dont know about dissertations as i dont have to do one.

Reply 15

Angelil

19

Now that I've said that, it does depend on your department.
Now that I'm in the second year, my English essays are double-marked anonymously, whereas my Classics essays are not double-marked and you have to put your name on the cover sheet.

Reply 16

norelle

5

shinytoy

i think its just that he likes the idea of sleeping with a student/students crushing on him.

Exactly. It sounds as though he's enjoying the fact that a young, good looking (corrrect me if I'm wrong) student is obviously attracted to him and he's just playing up to it a bit.

Reply 17

SexyKe

1

shinytoy

i dont think its a good idea. the pro's are that he can give you good grades and special help with your work as a 'friend' BUT he could easily abuse the position by using the promise of good grades/threat odf failing you/no extra help in exchange for 'favours'.let him make any moves, so that youy too have power to report him.

also if you break up, things might get nasty and awkward. dont worry alot about the dissertation thing - my uni has your work submitted by candidate number only to hide ur id.

let him make the first move

When I said dissertation I just meant it as an example. It could be with any work you do I guess.

It does depend on your uni about how you submit work and if your course is small theres a good chance a tutor would remember you candidate number.

Reply 18

Danny the Geezer

21

Anonymous

I'm just looking for some people's opinions on this, so please don't hold back! Okay, well basically I'm in my 1st year of study and- as I know is common-ish from reading some previous, similar threads- I find myself attracted to one of my lectures. He is in his thirties but looks mid-twenties, amazing personality, very cool guy. It's definately not some awe-struck, silly younger woman crush, more of a "Hmmm, he's really good-loking..if only he wasn't a lecturer..what if we met in different circumstances? etc. etc." wondering on my part. I don't fixate/ obsess over him, and have met other guys here. For various legit reasons we've spent some time alone together a uni, and we get on really well. I see him out a lot too, usually when he's a bit drunk I add, and this is the thing. Whenever we are out in a group he always looks over at me a lot, points me out to people he's with (discreetly) then always makes a beeline staright for me and we chat for ages. He speaks a little to my course mates, but it's always me he's coming over to and I catch him looking at me a lot from across rooms etc. He's quite flirty with me and asks me lots about myself. I am in no way initiating this..although last night I did hold his stare that much longer when we were talking and there was a real tension there. Other people are starting to notice it now and saying he likes me, so please don't say it's just wishful thinking on my part! I'm really mixed up over the whole thing, I am almost certain he fancies me from the signals he's giving me, but I don't know what he wants to do about it. And I don't know how I'd react if he did do something properly about it. As I said, I find him incredibly attractive, inside and out!Also, not sure if he's a little bit of a player, as I know he's, uh, "been with", students before. What do you think?

Move in on him....

Reply 19

Refused

Anonymous

* Also, he doesn't just come over me once, he'll keep coming back

That's disgusting.

My lecturer

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