Sikh Girl wanting to marry English guy!!!

Watch
jaina
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#1
Report Thread starter 8 years ago
#1
Hiya,

I need of some serious help! so thought I'd post on here (my first time)!

Im a sikh girl (27) and Ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend whos english (white) and 36! Weve been togther for over 3 years now, my parents came to find out a year later as my brother hacked into my facebook etc etc...

They were so distraught... at the whole situation and said that they would disown me, basically emotionally blackmailed me....I stopped talking to them...but am still living at home...which is becoming difficult everyday!

They know I am still with him as I told them to makeup their minds about wether they will let us marry or not...anyhow as per usual my mother found a way out of this and the conversation didnt progress!

But 2 nights ago...they said that they will start looking for a boy for me to get married to, as my white bf is just not good enough and will leave me after getting married....and my children wont have a religion etc...!

I just dont know what to do...I want to get married to my bf, but now I know after 2 years of trying to get them to meet him (which they never did) that they will never except him or our relationship (my parents)!

Please help....Im in such a dilemma and am soo confused!
3
reply
Procerus
Badges: 0
Rep:
?
#2
Report 8 years ago
#2
Move out live your own life
4
reply
jazzykinks
Badges: 5
Rep:
?
#3
Report 8 years ago
#3
My parents ran away together. They weren't allowed to get married, but they bloody well did it! Parents forbidding their children to marry a person of their choice is so backwards. No offence, but I honestly think (and I say this about my mum's parents all the bloody time) 'if you wanted your children to follow the traditions of your country, why the hell didn't you stay there instead of coming to England?!'

If he loves you and you love him, bloody well get married and be together. It's taken my grandparents about 25 odd years to realise that my mum made the right choice by marrying my dad. They didn't talk to her for 5 years after my parents got married. Her attitude? It wasn't a big loss. She married for love, and that's the most important thing. Do you really want to be unhappy for the rest of your life just to please your parents? No.
0
reply
jaina
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#4
Report Thread starter 8 years ago
#4
I'd answer that with a big NO! too...Are you half and half or your parents both indian and just ran away? you dont have to answer that! Im just curious, not met anyone whos in a similar situation or who knows of one!
0
reply
jazzy98
Badges: 0
Rep:
?
#5
Report 8 years ago
#5
Why don't you just carry on as you are for a few more years to see how you feel then? Why you have to rush into marriage? There's still issues to deal with regarding your family.

I would put plans of marriage on hold for a while just until you feel strongly enough within yourself that this is what you want to do so you'll be better able to deal with family reactions or doubts rationally so that you can do this without causing a family feud. Also you may need to ask yourself how you will cope if there is little or no family support. Child will miss out on a full family support network of extended relatives from both mother and father. Where the back up plan for the long term welfare of any children you may have?

I would put on hold marriage until you feel strongly enough within yourself to deal with any doubts that you have within your own mind because if you go ahead you'll have doubts and it won't workout if you still have doubts and it's not fair to the guy.

The fact you put this concern here shows you have a doubt which you have to sort out within your own mind, for yourself. Otherwise you would have just been making plans already without asking for anyone's opinion.

Good luck. I hope you do the right thing for yourself and your boyfriend.
0
reply
IndianDancer
Badges: 14
Rep:
?
#6
Report 8 years ago
#6
Honestly its your life. Live it the way you want to. Some Asian parents need to be let known that all this emotional blackmail that they is just not ok and that this is basically racism. I think you should wait for a bit and try an talk to them calmly. Have them meet him and get to know him. But yeah if they still don't budge tell them you're moving out and you'll get married to whoever you want. Seriously this has just GOT to stop. Stand up to them. Good luck
1
reply
jazzykinks
Badges: 5
Rep:
?
#7
Report 8 years ago
#7
(Original post by jaina)
I'd answer that with a big NO! too...Are you half and half or your parents both indian and just ran away? you dont have to answer that! Im just curious, not met anyone whos in a similar situation or who knows of one!
Half, unfortunately. tbh I'm ashamed of how the culture treats women and I'm grateful I've been blessed with parents who let me experience my own life the way I want. I'm quite a feminist so I've read lots about forced marriage/arrange marriage too. My grandparents were going to arrange my mum's marriage imminently because she decided not to go to uni (shameful enough, according to them) so they wanted her dealt with quickly -- she was only 21 when she married my dad, but they were already trying to get her engaged.
1
reply
jaina
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#8
Report Thread starter 8 years ago
#8
@Jazzy98...

No doubts...at all about the guy or my relationship with him! hes lovely...couldnt be better in general or to me.

to be honest...dealing with the emotional blackmail you get in asian families is not easy to deal with.... it scares me quite abit...you start believing that all your parents say will happen! Hence why i posted on here in the first place....as I wanted to see wether many people had experienced this or known of someone who has.

@Indian dancer....Thanks for the positive input....I will speak to them once more very soon...hopeully I might get my point accross to them after 2 years of trying to do so!
0
reply
jaina
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#9
Report Thread starter 8 years ago
#9
(Original post by jazzykinks)
Half, unfortunately. tbh I'm ashamed of how the culture treats women and I'm grateful I've been blessed with parents who let me experience my own life the way I want. I'm quite a feminist so I've read lots about forced marriage/arrange marriage too. My grandparents were going to arrange my mum's marriage imminently because she decided not to go to uni (shameful enough, according to them) so they wanted her dealt with quickly -- she was only 21 when she married my dad, but they were already trying to get her engaged.

why do you say half unfortunately?? (sorry just curious)

So is your dad english?....ive only read about this kind of stuff in a few books...didnt realise it actually takes place.

I bet your mum was soo glad with the decision she made at that time...better than leading a life full of unhappiness and regrets. It the woman that always seems to suffer! Can I ask what the age gap between your parents is?

my parents seem to think 9 years is far too much...when they have 7 between themselves...

Reading a book atm....its called ' if you dont me by now'....read it if you get a chance...pretty good....im halfway through and its soo interesting....its about a sikh boy trying to get his parents to understand him!
0
reply
jazzykinks
Badges: 5
Rep:
?
#10
Report 8 years ago
#10
(Original post by jaina)
why do you say half unfortunately?? (sorry just curious)

So is your dad english?....ive only read about this kind of stuff in a few books...didnt realise it actually takes place.

I bet your mum was soo glad with the decision she made at that time...better than leading a life full of unhappiness and regrets. It the woman that always seems to suffer! Can I ask what the age gap between your parents is?

my parents seem to think 9 years is far too much...when they have 7 between themselves...

Reading a book atm....its called ' if you dont me by now'....read it if you get a chance...pretty good....im halfway through and its soo interesting....its about a sikh boy trying to get his parents to understand him!
Unfortunately because as I said, the culture oppresses and suffocates women. I can't be proud of a culture that does that. It's misogynistic by nature. Of course it happens in real life! As I say, if you want your children to be 'traditional', don't bloody come to this country! Of course, my parents have arguments and such but she'd rather be married to the man of her choice than some random stranger fresh off the boat. My parents' age gap is 9 years -- dad is 55 and mum is 46. I read loads of books about this stuff. Have you ever read 'Daughters of Shame' by Jasvinder Sanghera? Shocking reality about the community.
0
reply
username418231
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#11
Report 8 years ago
#11
(Original post by jaina)
Hiya,

I need of some serious help! so thought I'd post on here (my first time)!

Im a sikh girl (27) and Ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend whos english (white) and 36! Weve been togther for over 3 years now, my parents came to find out a year later as my brother hacked into my facebook etc etc...

They were so distraught... at the whole situation and said that they would disown me, basically emotionally blackmailed me....I stopped talking to them...but am still living at home...which is becoming difficult everyday!

They know I am still with him as I told them to makeup their minds about wether they will let us marry or not...anyhow as per usual my mother found a way out of this and the conversation didnt progress!

But 2 nights ago...they said that they will start looking for a boy for me to get married to, as my white bf is just not good enough and will leave me after getting married....and my children wont have a religion etc...!

I just dont know what to do...I want to get married to my bf, but now I know after 2 years of trying to get them to meet him (which they never did) that they will never except him or our relationship (my parents)!

Please help....Im in such a dilemma and am soo confused!
Are you financially independent? If you are, move out asap. If not, try to get a job.
0
reply
username418231
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#12
Report 8 years ago
#12
(Original post by jazzykinks)
My parents ran away together. They weren't allowed to get married, but they bloody well did it! Parents forbidding their children to marry a person of their choice is so backwards. No offence, but I honestly think (and I say this about my mum's parents all the bloody time) 'if you wanted your children to follow the traditions of your country, why the hell didn't you stay there instead of coming to England?!'

If he loves you and you love him, bloody well get married and be together. It's taken my grandparents about 25 odd years to realise that my mum made the right choice by marrying my dad. They didn't talk to her for 5 years after my parents got married. Her attitude? It wasn't a big loss. She married for love, and that's the most important thing. Do you really want to be unhappy for the rest of your life just to please your parents? No.
Awww

I totally agree :yep:
0
reply
username418231
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#13
Report 8 years ago
#13
(Original post by jazzykinks)
Unfortunately because as I said, the culture oppresses and suffocates women. I can't be proud of a culture that does that. It's misogynistic by nature. Of course it happens in real life! As I say, if you want your children to be 'traditional', don't bloody come to this country! Of course, my parents have arguments and such but she'd rather be married to the man of her choice than some random stranger fresh off the boat. My parents' age gap is 9 years -- dad is 55 and mum is 46. I read loads of books about this stuff. Have you ever read 'Daughters of Shame' by Jasvinder Sanghera? Shocking reality about the community.
Did you watch the Panorama documentary on honour in the Asian community? Shocking. Also there is a book out by a woman called Sofia Hayat and it is called Dishonoured. I've never read it but she's done interviews on her upbringing and experiences (abuse she suffered, how females are treat, how her family tried to kill her for daring to live her life).
0
reply
jazzykinks
Badges: 5
Rep:
?
#14
Report 8 years ago
#14
(Original post by Dee Leigh)
Did you watch the Panorama documentary on honour in the Asian community? Shocking. Also there is a book out by a woman called Sofia Hayat and it is called Dishonoured. I've never read it but she's done interviews on her upbringing and experiences (abuse she suffered, how females are treat, how her family tried to kill her for daring to live her life).
I did. It was absolutely disgusting. The worst part is that it's still prevalent in our generation. I've also heard of that book, I was thinking of getting it and I may do so. I think it's absolutely despicable that a community can do this, keep doing it and get away with it. Jasvinder was right when she said that she keeps getting told no by schools -- this bloody PC country needs to stop being so 'considerate' and confront these problems. Yes, it is a cultural problem, but trying to tackle it isn't racist. It will save so many innocent people.
1
reply
StressedOut1
Badges: 3
Rep:
?
#15
Report 8 years ago
#15
I can understand the point of view your parents might be looking at this whole situation from. It may not necessarily mean they hate the fact that he's white. It may just be that because indian culture tends to promote close knit family and religious ties, the thought of you, their daughter getting involved with a person who's culture etc is quite different, much more relaxed when it comes to certain things, might make it seem you are making a wrong decision. The fact that their worried that your kids won't have a religion or whatever probably proves that. If your not religious etc you should have a sit down with your parents and explain that it's not a big concern for yourself so they need not worry.

Also they might just be thinking most white people who marry end up divorcing, or cheating, like in the tv programmes lol. not like it doesn't happen between indians either but I'd say it isn't as common, again a lot more to do with culture.

Anyway you are old enough to live your life how you want it so hopefully they will understand.
2
reply
username418231
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#16
Report 8 years ago
#16
(Original post by jazzykinks)
I did. It was absolutely disgusting. The worst part is that it's still prevalent in our generation. I've also heard of that book, I was thinking of getting it and I may do so. I think it's absolutely despicable that a community can do this, keep doing it and get away with it. Jasvinder was right when she said that she keeps getting told no by schools -- this bloody PC country needs to stop being so 'considerate' and confront these problems. Yes, it is a cultural problem, but trying to tackle it isn't racist. It will save so many innocent people.
Yeah I was thinking of getting the book also - I read Sofia's interview and watch her interviews online about her experiences and dishonour - and it's pretty sad:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar....html#comments

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wz0QT2qeczA

I think it's so good that she now lives the life she always wanted She also admits she's never dated an Asian man...I guess it's to do with the culture. And she's not a Muslim anymore.

Also I think the fact that schools don't want to deal with it is so PC - they fear that they will 'offend' people and their cultures. The way I see it, there is no place for barbaric practices in this country. When people choose to emigrate to this country they should follow the rules here. They are not the expection, and their culture doesn't mean that they are above the law. So schools and the police need to start doing something because like you said it can save the lives of innocent people.
0
reply
jazzykinks
Badges: 5
Rep:
?
#17
Report 8 years ago
#17
(Original post by Dee Leigh)
Yeah I was thinking of getting the book also - I read Sofia's interview and watch her interviews online about her experiences and dishonour - and it's pretty sad:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar....html#comments

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wz0QT2qeczA

I think it's so good that she now lives the life she always wanted She also admits she's never dated an Asian man...I guess it's to do with the culture. And she's not a Muslim anymore.

Also I think the fact that schools don't want to deal with it is so PC - they fear that they will 'offend' people and their cultures. The way I see it, there is no place for barbaric practices in this country. When people choose to emigrate to this country they should follow the rules here. They are not the expection, and their culture doesn't mean that they are above the law. So schools and the police need to start doing something because like you said it can save the lives of innocent people.
Agreed. I don't blame her. The misogyny is passed on from generation to generation. All the Asians I've dated have treated me like a dirty little secret, now I won't go near them with a bargepole.

That's precisely what I mean. If you don't talk about it, the problem is only going to continue. It's so strange; we were talking about honour killings in one of my lectures and no one in the room had any idea what they were because the government has let it slide for so long.

Real talk! I agree. I have actually said to my mum's parents that if they wanted her to be a traditional Asian daughter, they should never have come here, and it's the same for anyone that comes here and doesn't live by English law and rules. I love my country, but I hate how it bends to the whims and fancies of ethnic minorities for fear of offending them. You're in this country. Act like you belong here or go home.
1
reply
maleeha95
Badges: 0
Rep:
?
#18
Report 8 years ago
#18
YOU'RE NEARLY 30 AND YOUR BF IS NEARLY 40!
Just get married. You're old enough to make your own choices.
0
reply
username418231
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#19
Report 8 years ago
#19
(Original post by jazzykinks)
Agreed. I don't blame her. The misogyny is passed on from generation to generation. All the Asians I've dated have treated me like a dirty little secret, now I won't go near them with a bargepole.

That's precisely what I mean. If you don't talk about it, the problem is only going to continue. It's so strange; we were talking about honour killings in one of my lectures and no one in the room had any idea what they were because the government has let it slide for so long.

Real talk! I agree. I have actually said to my mum's parents that if they wanted her to be a traditional Asian daughter, they should never have come here, and it's the same for anyone that comes here and doesn't live by English law and rules. I love my country, but I hate how it bends to the whims and fancies of ethnic minorities for fear of offending them. You're in this country. Act like you belong here or go home.
:yep: +repped!

I'm not surprised she's never dated one. I think for her it wasn't like "Oh I'll avoid an Asian man" but the guys she happened to go for happened to be non-Asian. But I think a lot of the Asian guys she knew had such bad attitudes about men. And I'm not surprised she isn't a Muslim anymore. It was imposed on her too much that she walked away.

Did those guys that you went out with treat you that way because they were scared of being caught dating by their parents? Or did they treat you like that because you're a girl?

I'm a bit like you - I wouldn't date an African guy, and I mean someone who was born and bred there. A lot of them tend to be rather traditional and I'm not really the traditional type, I'm someone with a modern, progressive and slightly liberal way of thinking, seeing and doing things. I wouldn't mind dating an African person providing that they were born and raised here and have some Western and modern ways about them. To be honest I couldn't care which race I ended up with, as long as they were like me in terms of being open-minded, and as long as we were compatible, happy and in love. I really couldn't be with someone who was backwards, too traditional, and rigid and regressive in their way of thinking.
0
reply
jazzykinks
Badges: 5
Rep:
?
#20
Report 8 years ago
#20
(Original post by Dee Leigh)
:yep: +repped!

I'm not surprised she's never dated one. I think for her it wasn't like "Oh I'll avoid an Asian man" but the guys she happened to go for happened to be non-Asian. But I think a lot of the Asian guys she knew had such bad attitudes about men. And I'm not surprised she isn't a Muslim anymore. It was imposed on her too much that she walked away.

Did those guys that you went out with treat you that way because they were scared of being caught dating by their parents? Or did they treat you like that because you're a girl?

I'm a bit like you - I wouldn't date an African guy, and I mean someone who was born and bred there. A lot of them tend to be rather traditional and I'm not really the traditional type, I'm someone with a modern, progressive and slightly liberal way of thinking, seeing and doing things. I wouldn't mind dating an African person providing that they were born and raised here and have some Western and modern ways about them. To be honest I couldn't care which race I ended up with, as long as they were like me in terms of being open-minded, and as long as we were compatible, happy and in love. I really couldn't be with someone who was backwards, too traditional, and rigid and regressive in their way of thinking.
Asian has never been my type but I only dated the really good looking ones. I'm generally not attracted to Asians :\ but the ones I dated were all idiots. The way Islam is interpreted by people nowadays can make it really outdated and oppressive too. I mean, the Qu'ran never says that a woman has to wear a hijab and demands that both sexes dress with modesty. But some Muslim people have misinterpreted this so that they can oppress women.

Bit of both. I think it was clear in the bedroom that they had that inbred misogyny inside them because of the way that they were and the things they wanted me to do. They couldn't have cared less about me getting pleasured, just about themselves. Because they're men. They get what they want handed to them immediately in Asian society. They expect it in sex too.

Yeah, I feel you! I think that there's a massive problems with Asians though because even British Asians learn it in their household, and then they pass it on to the next generation etc. Compatibility is the main thing, but I know I could never be compatible with an Asian because of how they're usually brought up. My boyfriend (who I don't think I'll split up with for a very, very long time...possibly ever!) is Italian and it's completely different, honestly. It's funny how something like culture can make such a big difference to even day to day things, like manners and such.
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

What factors affect your mental health the most right now? (select all that apply)

Lack of purpose or routine (279)
15.37%
Uncertainty around my education (283)
15.59%
Uncertainty around my future career prospects (180)
9.92%
Isolating with family (128)
7.05%
Lack of support system (eg. Teachers, counsellors) (83)
4.57%
Lack of exercise/ability to be outside (152)
8.37%
Loneliness (179)
9.86%
Financial worries (75)
4.13%
Concern about myself or my loved ones getting ill (167)
9.2%
Exposure to negative news/social media (130)
7.16%
Lack of real life entertainment (eg. cinema, gigs, restaurants) (159)
8.76%

Watched Threads

View All