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Do I Have A Right To Feel Upset With Flatmates? watch

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    Just looking for an unbiased opinion here regarding flatmates. It's a subject which has got me quite upset this last few weeks.

    Basically I share a mixed-sex flat with 5 other people (2 girls, 3 boys). I moved here in December due to problems with my other accommodation & I was happy up until a couple of weeks ago. They all seemed very nice but some of them didn't really make the effort to get to know me- I figured that was because they had been together since October & had already formed their group. It didn't bother me too much to start with- I prefered not to get too involved because that is what happened at my old accommodation & 2 of us chose to move out as we were being bullied. I thought this way, if I don't get involved, there can't be any trouble on my behalf.

    Anyway, about a month ago we all got back from Christmas Holidays & I thought maybe things would change. They didn't. Granted, two of the flatmates made the effort & seemed quite friendly. None of them ignore me, it's just I get this feeling when I do talk to them that they can't be bothered & it's usually me that has to make the effort.

    What really was a kick in the guts for me was a couple of weeks ago I overheard a conversation about us all moving in together to a house next year- as in all the flat & they were considering looking round some houses within the next few weeks. Later on I went into the kitchen & saw some printouts for 5 bedroom houses & they had circled a couple of them- I could have cried to be honest cos' it was obvious I would be that 6th person. A few days later, I walked in on a conversation in the kitchen & they all shut up & there was an awkward silence.

    I guess I shouldn't be worried because I have now organised to live with my boyfriend now next year along with two other students. I thought to start with that maybe they thought I was going to move in with him but then they knew it was his last year & I haven't told them he is looking to get a job in the city so as far as they know he is staying where he is back home (he commutes to Uni).

    The nicest housemate did ask me if I was okay for accommodation the other day- it felt really uneasy & I know they already basically had somewhere else to live. I just replied "yeah" & changed the subject. I felt like she was asking me because she had probably overheard me upset talking to my boyfriend about it. The others still just don't talk about the subject in front of me which I find quite offending.

    I guess what I find most hurtful is that they are keeping it from me. Yeah, I would still be upset if they came out & said "oh we don't want to live with you next year because..........." but at least I would know. Yeah, I am quiet because I don't feel like they have given me the chance for them to get to know me, but I'm not the quietest flatmate.

    I guess it has got me upset today because they are going househunting today & they came back & woke me up shouting about this new house they had all looked at. It feels like they are now rubbing my face in it. Do I have a right to be upset?

    Thanks xxxx
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    yes you do have a right to be upset. this happens to me all the time, where friends just shut you out of stuff because you don't "fit" in with what they want and then they don't tell you stuff. It's stupid. Ignore them. they're not friends.
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    You poor thing. Look at the bigger picture and what these people will mean to you when you've graduated. I bet you don't even remember their names. People can be so nasty, unfortunately you'd think people would have moved on since the cliques at school.. It just takes that little bit longer for some people to grow up.

    Lets face it, lets say you WERE living with these people next year. Would you be looking forward to it? Or would you be looking forward to another year of being ignored and made to feel small?

    I think this is the best thing that could have happened to you to be honest chick. Don't give a sh*t. You are the better person and you will be much happier next year around people who care about you.

    PM me if you wanna chat
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    yes you do have the right... personally i dont get along with the people im livin with and we dont talk much but at least we are civil to each other and if one of us walks into the kitchen while others are havin a convo they dont just shut up coz im there... its really quite rude of them!
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    You have the right to be upset that they didn't make an effort with you and make you feel left out. But you can't really be annoyed at them for not including you in their plans for next year. You only have known them a little over 2 months and it's quite probable they already had some 'plans' before you even arrived on the scene. Would you really want to live with them anyway from what you have said?
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    Having been throught the whole housing nightmare recently I can say that no, you dont really have the right to be upset.

    You, by your own admission, dont really know them. If they want to live together thats understandable. It is SO awkward talking about these things, I dont blame them for keeping it quiet.
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    I had same problems last year. Feck 'em. Not literally, but you get the picture. Just keep reassuring yourself it's only until the end of June (less than that if you're lucky). I am also moving *again* next year due to not finding a living situation to suit me. Sigh.
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    (Original post by Dramatic Star)
    Just looking for an unbiased opinion here regarding flatmates. It's a subject which has got me quite upset this last few weeks.

    Basically I share a mixed-sex flat with 5 other people (2 girls, 3 boys). I moved here in December due to problems with my other accommodation & I was happy up until a couple of weeks ago. They all seemed very nice but some of them didn't really make the effort to get to know me- I figured that was because they had been together since October & had already formed their group. It didn't bother me too much to start with- I prefered not to get too involved because that is what happened at my old accommodation & 2 of us chose to move out as we were being bullied. I thought this way, if I don't get involved, there can't be any trouble on my behalf.

    Anyway, about a month ago we all got back from Christmas Holidays & I thought maybe things would change. They didn't. Granted, two of the flatmates made the effort & seemed quite friendly. None of them ignore me, it's just I get this feeling when I do talk to them that they can't be bothered & it's usually me that has to make the effort.

    What really was a kick in the guts for me was a couple of weeks ago I overheard a conversation about us all moving in together to a house next year- as in all the flat & they were considering looking round some houses within the next few weeks. Later on I went into the kitchen & saw some printouts for 5 bedroom houses & they had circled a couple of them- I could have cried to be honest cos' it was obvious I would be that 6th person. A few days later, I walked in on a conversation in the kitchen & they all shut up & there was an awkward silence.

    I guess I shouldn't be worried because I have now organised to live with my boyfriend now next year along with two other students. I thought to start with that maybe they thought I was going to move in with him but then they knew it was his last year & I haven't told them he is looking to get a job in the city so as far as they know he is staying where he is back home (he commutes to Uni).

    The nicest housemate did ask me if I was okay for accommodation the other day- it felt really uneasy & I know they already basically had somewhere else to live. I just replied "yeah" & changed the subject. I felt like she was asking me because she had probably overheard me upset talking to my boyfriend about it. The others still just don't talk about the subject in front of me which I find quite offending.

    I guess what I find most hurtful is that they are keeping it from me. Yeah, I would still be upset if they came out & said "oh we don't want to live with you next year because..........." but at least I would know. Yeah, I am quiet because I don't feel like they have given me the chance for them to get to know me, but I'm not the quietest flatmate.

    I guess it has got me upset today because they are going househunting today & they came back & woke me up shouting about this new house they had all looked at. It feels like they are now rubbing my face in it. Do I have a right to be upset?

    Thanks xxxx

    It sounds to me like it's just a clique. Just ignore people like that, they're not benificial for anybody but themselves and their cronies.
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    yeh is an awkward situation but i think they were probly just being insensitive rather than purposely leaving u out. im in the same possition. and sharing a mixed sex flat with 5 other ppl. i dont get on amazingly with my flatmates (mostly because we dont share interests) and i know they are looking for acomodation for our flat and the flat above us (preferably 1 house). it wasnt really talked about but it was just assumed that i wouldnt want to live with them (and they assumed right. im moving in with my bf). maybe this is different from your situation as i have been here from the start or maybe im just less sensitive.
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    Im struggling to understand what is unfair or inconsiderate about not wanting to live with someone they dont consider a friend. How would they go about telling you? its an impossible situation for them and id have done the same thing.
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    (Original post by NeverMindThat)
    Im struggling to understand what is unfair or inconsiderate about not wanting to live with someone they dont consider a friend. How would they go about telling you? its an impossible situation for them and id have done the same thing.
    if they are looking for a place for 5 then its not going to be hard to get 1 extra room (well not in my area neway). leaving some1 out isnt nice but. they could have at least told her what they were doing and asked about her accomodation even if they didnt want to live with her. i dont rele think my flatmates would want me to live with them but they have talked about it with me around and asked about my plans. its just polite. surely u wouldnt leave even an aquiantance with nowhere to live because they didnt have flat sharing sorted?

    is hard to say whats right in this situation tho because group dynamics come into it and without knowing the group of ppl its impossible to know exactly whats going on. it could be nething from them being plain nasty to it simply being an awkward situation where they have assumed she didnt want to live with them.
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    It isn't unfair or inconsiderate but she's entitled to feel upset about it.

    To the OP, just accept that you got screwed on the flatmate scene this year and next yr you have living with your bf and 2 other mates to look forward to. I wouldn't bother saying anything to them as to be fair they haven't done anything mean as such, they just haven't included you in their plans.

    A little selfish perhaps but you don't know what's going through their mind - maybe they figured you wouldn't want to live with them anyway. I live with 5 other girls and there are very clear cliques in our flat, none of which I'm realyl part of. So they have parties without me, do stuff without me....so what, I'll live
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    I can totally undertand why you are upset. They shouldn't have hidden it from you but they were probably trying not to be nasty; and if you are already sorted for accommodation then I wouldn't worry about it - you are going to live with your bf and thats sure to be better than moving in with 5 people you've hardly spoken too all year.
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    Thanks for all the replies. It's helped me a lot.

    Thing is, no matter anyones opinions, I am still left hurt by this situation. Yeah I know that just cos I live with them doesn't mean I automatically have a right to live with them next year, it's just as far as I am aware, they had no plans before I moved in as I did ask them in December. I know I've only been here just over 2 months but if I was in their situation, I would make a new person feel welcome & even if I didn't want to live with them next year, I would say it nicely to them..... I'd rather be *****y to them than sneaky.

    They've all just got back now from the pub to celebrate signing up for their house. They're going wild in the flat & I don't feel like I can join in on the celebration because I'm not involved so I'm staying in my room.
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    As I mentioned, I had exactly the same problem last year. I didn't really hang out much with my flatmates (they were all into clubbing and I wasn't) but neither did another girl and she was still invited in with them. And yes, it does hurt, regardless of whether you hang out with them or not, because it makes you feel left out and feeling bad about yourself for not fitting in. Just hang in there.
 
 
 
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