Dilemma

I'm in my last year at college and I'm finding it very hard, not in terms of work: I'm keeping up to date and getting good grades but keeping up with the stress and everyone else seems really depressed as well. Well basically I got a rejection from my first choice university, where I'd set my heart on around christmas and I was very depressed because I had one rejection and nothing else, as I had to wait 6 months until I heard back from my other unis.

Anyway, my point is that I have this friend and she got into the place where I was rejected from, she got a ll 6 places and she was VERY mean about my rejection: she sent me text messages saying 'wooo I got in!!!! I'm SO happy! It's so great to be me.', basically rubbing my nose in it. Other stuff has happened and she's been irritating me for months - she's very needy, very possessive, she has social problems- for instance I'll be talking to people and she can't let me have my own conversations without not only joining in but hogging them. She's said some very nasty things to me and done very nasty things to me in the past (for instance the other month someone came in to college to give us information and stuff about the uni I really wanted to go to and she heard about it, attended but deliberately didn't tell me even though she knew I had my heart set on going there) and I've felt very angry about it. She's also arranged to go out with people from college and MY best friend not hers and not invited me- then when I've found out, she tells me what a WONDERFUL time they had and 'it was a shame that you didn't come' even though I wasn't invited (!)

So I've resorted to ignoring her and also not having any conversations with anyone at college and basically being a loner because she will sidle up and dominate the conversation and she always ends up taking my friends away from me. So I just sit there reading my book and I don't say a single word to her. I can't confront her about her behaviour because I'm scared that she'll attempt to do something stupid (past issues, home problems etc) and I know that there's only 3 months left of college but I feel really angry and upset that I can't get away from her and have my own friends.

Basically today someone said that it seems like I'm bullying her, even though I'm not just ignoring her but not being friendly with anyone. I don't want to not communicate but I don't know what else to do, because she's pushed me so far that if I talk to her any more I just know that I'm going to shout at her and tell her how much I hate and resent being responsible for her. I recognise that I'm resentful because she got the uni I didn't but it also goes deeper than that- it's been going on for 2 years and all the bitchy things she's done, my anger and stress over not only her but to do with making my grades has built up over time to such a degree where I feel like I'm going to burst.

Anyone been in a similar situation? I'm sick of having my best friends poached away. I'm sick of teachers asking me to look after her and asking me whether she's alright. It's not my responsibility. Any solutions on how to get away from her whilst having other friendships? I don't want to be so lonely. Am I bullying her? I've been bullied int he past and I'd hate to be that way- I'm just at the end of my tether. I'm proud of myself so far: I've managed to bite my tongue and no-one knows how I really feel.

Sorry for the length of this.

Reply 1

username47781

Oh i think you did the right thing to ignore her, she sounds like a right stuck up cow, if only other people would see what she really is, it's not your responsibility to look after her, doesn't sound like she has many problems. I hope she gets whats coming to her.

Reply 2

tbm

Doesnt sound to me like you are bullying her. If you dont want to talk to her then thats you decision, but dont let her affect the relationships you have with other people. To get round this I think you should tell her how you feel, otherwise you are just going to isolate yourself from other people at college until the term ends. If she isnt happy about what you say, then thats not your problem- you shouldnt feel responsible for her in any way, Im sure she's capable of looking after herself.

Reply 3

sidi

Can you not make arrangements to meet other friends outside of college time so that she doesn't know about it? Think yourself lucky that you're not going to the same uni. Now you can have a great uni experience elsewhere (and you will, no matter how it seems now) Keeping yourself to yourself can never be construed as bullying so take no notice of that.

Reply 4

kinkajou

Yeah, it's better just to ignore her than argue. My 'best friend' hasn't spoken to me since i got my university offers either, as he got rejected from the same ones. I've always tried to ignore the whole UCAS thing, but my other best friend likes to stir things up and he comes in, and he's always like 'sooo jen what offers did you get?' then asks the other person, who he knows got rejections. It seems so harsh, and now it seems like he feels embarassed to try to talk to me. I'm not stuck up about the offers, and i really wish he would talk to me again, cos i know i wouldn't ever rub it in his face. And then if i talk to my other friend, he assumes we are laughing at him, so i just find it easier to talk to nobody :eek:

Reply 5

username47781

Thats a very good point the fact she's not going to the same uni as you is a big blessing she cannot interfere with you then, just do it your way.

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

hey babe, so so sorry for what's going on with you, it really sucks. and i know how you feel. it is bad enough when a friend is mean, but for them to make themselves into the victim is the worst and lowest thing and is really unfair and difficult to handle, so i feel for you. sorry you didn't get into the uni you wanted, it seems unfair that a bitch like her would get it when you didn't, and she should not have rubbed your face in it. that is low, low, low. sorry for you.
I think it is true that you should talk to her though, because its the only way to get rid of all the misunderstandings, especially from people who aren't directly involved.Maybe writing a letter would be easier than face to face, because it will mean you can get your feelings across without her interrupting or antagonising you so you lose your temper which is not constructive. You also won't leave anything important out. You are NOT bullying her and its so sad that you feel guilty about things that were obviously her fault. If your teachers tell you to look after her, maybe try and simply explain as calmly as possible that actually you are trying but are feeling overwhelmed by difficulties between the friend and you at the moment, and that you are trying to sort them out.
the people accusing you of bullying her are wrong, and have obviously misjudged the situation. I would say that they probably aren't having as friends, but that is completely unhelpful, and it probably isn't their fault anyway. try talking to them as well, explaining how hard it is for you at the moment.
The only thing else i can suggest is to maybe confide in another friend. feelings can get so pent up and scary sometimes that you do feel like you are going to burst, believe me i know. sometimes it helps just to talk. whether its to a friend (the most helpful i find), to a counseller, even you favourite teddy bear, or maybe a diary.
I hope i have helped a little bit, im so so sorry that you are going through this and i hope you manage to sort it out. be strong.

Dilemma

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