Im either gay/bi and its troubling me

Im a male, 19. Basically from the age of 15 or somethin I know that Ive liked guys. Fancied them, enjoying watching gay porn etc, and it wasnt a phase or anythin cos thats still right to this day. However I also know I have liked women in the past...but I dont think to the extent of men.

Ive never ever uttered a word of this to anyone that I know. I used to tell myself I was bi but I honestly dont know if thats me in denial and I should just accept i am gay. Im not camp (exact opposite) however im not a typical lad either- quite a quiet, sensitive guy. I never flirt with women or anythin and I have quite low confidence and self esteem

Its always been a secret I thought Id never tell anyone, where i grow up it just isnt a good thing to admit and my family etc. Truth is, right now I dont have many friends at all...and those I have, I know it wouldnt be a problem.

I just dont know what to do. Im not in a rush to label myself, but I wanna at least come to terms with it and tell people but dont know what to say. I dont want to say 'im gay' incase it turns out Im not.

My friends at uni, well I just cant imagine ever telling them (i mean the guys). It would make me feel uncomfortable that they knew, Im not even sure how they take it. And the fact Ive just been ''one of the lads
'' etc talking about girls i fancy and sex (ive never been in a relationship and im still a virgin) I dont want them to think of me as a liar or affect our friendship.

Whatever happens I cant let my family or brothers/sisters know (at least not yet) cos its something im just not comfortable with myself but I feel like I wanna try telling people.

Anyone help? Thanks if youve read this far.....

Reply 1

Lauren Hart

Hey, i remember coming out to my friends that im bi, we was in the car one day and doing some silly truth pendant thing and said something like "will i ever have sex with a woman" and it came up yes and so i said "cool" and that was that, we got talking about my bi sexuality. I would say that you should tell a few close friends to begin with, and you should just get more and more confident with the nature of being out.

As for your parents, I cant say Ive ever told mine, not had the need what with having a bf for some years, but i think maybe id just bring a lass home if i was going to, and just deal with it when it happens, but it seems like you're more likely to have a bf than a gf, it might be easier to just broach the subject, maybe with a sibling if you're close. If not just blurt it out over dinner and just run and lock yourself in the bathroom till they come to terms with it? Maybe not the best idea in fact, but i dunno about parents, im just as much a coward.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

I think part of the problem might be that I dont want to be this way, I hate myself for it really. I want to be straight so I just hide it and ignore it.

Reply 3

Sithius

Come out with it man. It will be better in the longterm for people to accept you or not as you are.

Reply 4

Lauren Hart

why do you want to be straight? so you dont have to come out? because you want to be normal? You cant change the way you are, and shouldnt have to. You seem to be happy with some aspects of it. You'll feel better once you're out. its just the pressure of hiding your secret.

Reply 5

bumblebee9

You sound like you're panicking! Relax you may not necessarily be Bi, or gay. Many people have feeling towards the same sex due to the want for an emotional attachment- that kinda sounds wrong but hear me out- It can be like that male taking a fatherly or brotherly role etc and just being a person yu can confide in and share your feelings. These emotions can be very easily confused with those of "fancying" guys, or girls for that matter.
This is something that you may not know for certain for many years and certainly during times of stress and uncertainty i.e. moving away from home to uni, is perhaps not the best time to try and make your mind up, as it could be these factors that are affecting your emotions.
If you do decide that you would like to form a relationship with another man then you should try not to let your family's views rule YOUR heart. You imagine at the moment that the news will not go down so well but I believe they will adjust more quickly than you think. Your parent's love for you is not going to be overcome by issues of your sexuality and if they do, then perhaps it's a good thing that you are continuing your life in a different direction, as they sound like they would be more likely to hold you back in life.
At the end of the day it is your heart and your future happiness at stake. You can't help being who you are and people are most likely to respect you for being truthful to yourself than for trying to live a lie and making yourself unhappy as a result.
Hope this helps x

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

Been there done this but not totally 'out' (hence the anonymity).

Basically, this is what I did in your situation and I'm now more or less secure in my sexuality and have gained some confidence:

1. Accept the fact that you're gay, don't deny it, be happy in your sexuality. Kinda 'come out to yourself'. This is essential. Stop the confusion and accept your sexuality.

2. Come out to a close friend. (In my experience, female friends tend to be that bit more understanding and encouraging, although I'm sure that this is not always the case.) A friend that you can trust. Talk and discuss your sexuality with them. Be yourself. At this point I found that I was much more confident with my sexuality.

After doing these things you may want to tell more people or you may be content with just having a friend know. Either way, having people know did help me and it may help you.

Not saying that this is necessarily the best way of going about the situation but it has worked for me, although I just need to tell a few more people!

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

I think i might tell a close female friend of mine- to be honest most of my good friends are female cos I find it hard to bond with straight lads cos im not really like them :s-smilie:

Reply 8

mrteacher

my boyfriend was straight until the age of 20, sometimes it is just hard to accept you are gay. he is more straight acting than straight people and actually had a girlfriend for a year and a half. ive heard of guys realising they are gay in their 30s or 40s. take time man and dont worry about it. it will only drive you nuts

Reply 9

The Canadian

I'm bisexual, and I found myself asking the same question, but the way I found it is that if you still find women attractive and like the idea of dating women, caressing women and sleeping with women, as well as the same for men, even if not to the same level, then you are bisexual.

I am the other way round in that there are 4 girls that I'd like to be in a relationship with, and 1 guy I am in a relationship with.

Whichever gender you preffer, as long as you like both, your bi.

Oh, and come to the LGBT soc if you want some more advice, cos not that many of the legbiters come here as far as I'm aware.

Reply 10

strawberry

well I'm still deciding if I'm straight or bi. *snort*

Reply 11

L i b

What's the whole obsession with being 'out' with your family?

It's none of my family's business who I'm at it with, I would never raise the subject of sex or sexuality with any of them.

I don't see why the OP needs to label himself anything. Just do what you want to do when you want to do it. No one really gives that much of a toss in the end.