Should I go through with this?

Okay, so I'm not too sure whether this should go here or in GD. It's related to relationships I have with my family, and how the whole situation will affect them, but I'm still not too sure.

Back in 1963, my nan was apparently abandoned by her husband (my grandfather) and left with three young children, the oldest of which (my mother) was only born in 1960. He apparently left and married some other woman, and I presume started a family. My nan remarried in the late 60's and had two more children by her new husband, who I've known as my "granddad" since I was born (even though I've known for a while that he's actually not).

I've been quite interested in family history recently, and I've found a slight ally in my uncle (one of the original three children) who's given me photographs of my grandfather, a copy of his birth certificate, etc., and has presented various theories to me about where he could be, what exactly happened, etc. During a small reunion between three of my nan's children (my mother, my uncle, and one of my stepgranddad's children), my uncle told me stories about their childhood, and how my "granddad" (who I tend to refer to as Pete now) was apparently abusive (i.e. when something got on his nerves, he apparently threw the kitchen table up, and was quite a git). My mother didn't like my uncle telling me this/giving me photographs of my actual grandfather, and says she doesn't remember all of these "abusive" events that my uncle told me about, except for a vague recollection of the table thing.

In 1979, my mother and my uncle met up with their father once again, and he apparently didn't want to know. Their younger sister had had a daughter by this point, and I think he knew that he had become a grandfather (I presume he was told by Mum and her brother), and he still didn't want to know. And my mother told me of a time when, still in 1979, she had rang him up to arrange a meeting and he told her he couldn't, because he had "family commitments". She slammed the phone down.

I know it's natural for me to want to meet him. I have his name, a few theories of where he could be. And I know that if I do get in touch, my mother will be upset, and that's understandable given everything. She says that he'll only hurt me and that I'll see what "he's like", as if she's trying to persuade me not to go through with it. But don't I have a right to find that out for myself? I'm not going to go and call him Granddad or whatever (to me, he's just Michael; same as my stepgranddad's Pete, as I've never really felt related to him and even less so since the "abusive" rumours came to light), as as far as I'm concerned, the only "real" granddad I have is on my father's side, who I call "Granddad" and who has always been there. But Michael's still family, and I want to know where I come from. But I'm worried about the repercussions - Pete (who I call "Granddad" to his face, but not when he's not in the room) apparently hates the IDEA of Michael, and I know will go ballistic if I bring it up. It's as if I'm only allowed to talk to my mum, my uncle, and my nan about it. And my mum says I should be grateful to him because he did "take on" a woman with three young kids, and it's "understandable" that he may feel threatened or whatever by this man - *he's* the one who's brought up the children, not Michael.

I've talked to my mum about it, and I know she seems really off with the idea of me finding out more, but I'd still really like to do it. But I don't want to cause a big family ruckus or whatever, only to find out that this guy doesn't even want to know. But again there's a part of me that wants to find out for myself what he's like - I only have my nan's accounts to go on (for all we know, she kicked him out and told him not to come near the children) and my mother's memories of when she was a child are very sketchy. She can recall when she reached out for a hug and he was really cold towards her, saying he had to leave for work or something. And when she got knocked down by a car in her teens, her name was in the newspaper and he didn't get in contact or whatever.

There's so much information to take in and deal with and I really don't know what to do. If there's any advice I'd much appreciate it! Sorry for the long post, but I had to get the whole story out.

Reply 1

ciderpeter

Exactly the same thing happened in my family, but with my biological grandma not grandad... She had 3 kids with my grandad and then left them, (all under the age of 10)... it was pretty incommon bck in them days, but someone fell for my grandad and married him and became known to me as Grandma, as far as i am concerned, she is my grandma and i want nothing to do with the woman who walked out on her 3 children...

My aunt has made an effort to find her but with no luck, and none of my other uncles want to know - she has made no effort to find them, so why should we...

Reply 2

Oddity

Wow. what a story. Well, its complicated to give appropriate advise espacially because I dont know your family and all..but personally, If I really wanted to meet this 'Michael', I'd do it in secret. Maybe the rest of your family dosnt need to know, right? It would only cause even more tension and, like you said yourself, you only want to see how he is. Maybe this is bad advise but it seems like the most sensible thing to do.
Don't be expecting anything though, if the things that your family is telling you about your grandfather are real he is probably not the best of people and probably has not changed.
Anyways, if you do decide to tell your mother and rest of family that you have met him, they should try and understand your mere curiosity. you aren't going to tell him you love him and all only because he's your mothers father. the truth is, i believe, is that your parents and family is who has been close to you and who has brought you up. right? but I understand your curiosity.
good luck. let me know how it turns out. :smile:

Reply 3

lostinfantasies

Yeah, that's another thing -- he's made no effort (as far as I'm aware of, because my mum did get married and my nan remarried, so different surnames) to get in touch, but then again his son (my uncle) has kept his last name, so he could have tried to find his son.

So the woman you know of as your grandmother actually isn't? Do you ever feel like there's something missing (I can't really describe it)? I know whenever I see my stepgranddad, I don't really think of him as "oh, that's my granddad". It's more like "oh, that's Pete" or "oh, that's Nan's husband", which I sometimes think is quite awful, considering he's been there since before I was born. But these rumours going around about the anger and the attitude he had when the children were younger has only reasserted the feelings I've been having in terms of "oh he's not Granddad".

Georgia -- thanks for your advice :smile:

. I had thought about going about it in secret and maybe enlisting my uncle as an ally (as I know he really wants to find out more, despite meeting him in 1979), but secrets don't stay secret for very long, and again I'd be worried about the outcome (not just the "YOUMETHIMshockhorrorHEISEVIL!!!" but the fact that I lied or hid it from them).

Aargh.

Reply 4

Oddity

Maybe you should have a family reunion and just explain your feelings and your will to meet him. Im sure they will be traumatized for a while...but they will get over it.

Reply 5

Hanzing

I think its a tough situation, as obviously you really want to meet your grandfather which is understadnable, but at the same time you dont want to hurt your family. I think you should talk to your mother about this, as obviously she is still hurt about it but if she realises that you really want to see him then maybe she will be more willing to the idea itself. I never really knew my grandad as gran and him split up when younger and now her husband is my grandad, and my godfather. My real grandad unfortunately died a couple years ago and I never really got to know him, however there was no animosty in the family over there divorce. I think honesty may be the best policy, But Maybe you could talk to your uncle and gauge how he thinks everyone will react first.

Reply 6

Bexxxx

I think you should get your mums blessing before you make contact with him, afterall, she knows him better than you, and i guess she doesnt want to see you hurt. However, im guessing he'd be pretty old by now so it would be mow or never!

Maybe talk it through with her again, and ask if she'll come with you?
Like you, i have a step-grandparent! I have a step-grandmother, because before i was born, my mums mum passed away. But i would love to meet her if she were still alive -though i wouldnt want to hurt my mum if she was on bad terms with her so i see how difficult the situation is! Talk to your mum again, explain how much you want to meet him, and that you know there may be a chance he wont want to see you, but that time is running out. Good Luck :smile:

Reply 7

34253

The same sort of thing happened to my Grandad with his parents, they both left him and his brother with his Grandparents and started seperate familys without them, he has met a new half sister who is now part of our extended family and we see her quite often so it has all worked out quite well.

Reply 8

tomtheone

I know that there may be reprecussions for what may happen. When I have had to make decisions I have looked at a peice of advice given to me a while back.
'You have to do, what you have to do'
What I am trying to say is if you want to meet him then meet him, your family does have to realise that it is important to you, either way good luck.