My girlfriend's complete lack of sex drive is ruining our relationship. Watch

Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 7 years ago
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Title.

Basically, I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 6 months now. It's going alright, we get on great, lots to talk about etc, that's all great.

Problem is with her sex drive. She doesn't have one. We've had sex, once... Apart from that she just isn't that bothered. What I mean by this is that she's not spontaneous. I've always got to move her hand down towards my crotch area, she doesn't do it by herself, which annoys me the most. She says she's sexually attracted to me but that she doesn't have a high sex drive.

The issue is is that I've got a big sex drive and she doesn't and it's making us argue. Being honest, we might as well just be friends. I'm seriously thinking about breaking up with her. It annoys me so much.

Advice?
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InnerTemple
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Take a look at this thread: http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show....php?t=1966518
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uktotalgamer
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(Original post by InnerTemple)
Take a look at this thread: http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show....php?t=1966518
So we're sexually incompatible?
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Diaxer
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You should discuss it with her and see how she feels. I know people say that 'sex isn't everything' but sex can be a big part of any relationship.
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Studentus-anonymous
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Diaxer speaks truth. It can be frustrating because while other parts of the relationship are great the lack of satisfaction with frequency of sex can be murder.

I'm sure you can imagine your relationship would be like if only she would just...you know, meet your physical needs (which are likely tied strongly to your emotional needs in the relationship).

She probably feels pressured/annoyed that from her perspective you seem overly involved with an aspect of the relationship she for whatever reasons deems not so important, she doesn't want it so surely you should be able to accept that? Or maybe she feels intense guilt that she can't seem to satisfy her man the way he seems to want.


Talk to her, and see if she wants to try and solve the problem, as long as you two both want to fix things, you can give it a go.

If not it's probably best to consider a split.

But yes, talk first, at least then you can find out where she stands.
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InnerTemple
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(Original post by uktotalgamer)
So we're sexually incompatible?
I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
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twelve
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(Original post by Studentus-anonymous)
Diaxer speaks truth. It can be frustrating because while other parts of the relationship are great the lack of satisfaction with frequency of sex can be murder.

I'm sure you can imagine your relationship would be like if only she would just...you know, meet your physical needs (which are likely tied strongly to your emotional needs in the relationship).

She probably feels pressured/annoyed that from her perspective you seem overly involved with an aspect of the relationship she for whatever reasons deems not so important, she doesn't want it so surely you should be able to accept that? Or maybe she feels intense guilt that she can't seem to satisfy her man the way he seems to want.


Talk to her, and see if she wants to try and solve the problem, as long as you two both want to fix things, you can give it a go.

If not it's probably best to consider a split.

But yes, talk first, at least then you can find out where she stands.
Yeah I agree with this post entirely - and I'm a girl who has a lower sex drive than my boyfriend. Mostly I do feel guiltly - he clearly wants it, and it isn't that I don't want it, its that I just can't be bothered in a way. I guess the prospect just isn't exciting, and means its a lot of effort to actually get in the mood. And if I'm not, Ill just be looking forward to when its over.

I guess maybe slightly off topic - but as a guy, OP, would you rather your girlfriend had sex with you, even if she didn't want to, or not had sex with you at all?



But back on the original point, communication is key. Its not about knowing that 'she has a lower sex drive, so doesn't want sex as much as me', its about knowing WHY, and how not having sex affects her, you, and the relationship.And whethe there is anything you can do to spice up the relationship.
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dgeorge
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Title. Please keep anon.

Basically, I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 6 months now. It's going alright, we get on great, lots to talk about etc, that's all great.

Problem is with her sex drive. She doesn't have one. We've had sex, once... Apart from that she just isn't that bothered. What I mean by this is that she's not spontaneous. I've always got to move her hand down towards my crotch area, she doesn't do it by herself, which annoys me the most. She says she's sexually attracted to me but that she doesn't have a high sex drive.

The issue is is that I've got a big sex drive and she doesn't and it's making us argue. Being honest, we might as well just be friends. I'm seriously thinking about breaking up with her. It annoys me so much.

Advice?
Personally, I think that it is quite likely that there are underlying issues besides simply " a low sex drive"

You and her need to have a serious talk about your sexual expectations with each other.
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strawberry
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there are women who have no sexual desire until they're actually having sex. not every woman is the same. you need to try to work with whatever type of woman she is in terms of sex drive ... and then only if all else fails, go somewhere else.
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For The Love Of Giraffe
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If you've only had sex once, maybe she isn't ready to have it with you and only gave in that one time because you clearly wanted it. There may be reasons caused by past relationships of hers or something, because the fact that you've only had sex once seems a bit suspicious.

Or it could simply just be that she doesn't enjoy sex and I'm a firm believer in the fact that everyone finds some aspect of sex enjoyable and if they find it all dull and boring, they haven't been doing it right or experimented enough. Maybe talk to her and tell her how you feel and that sex in a relationship is important to you, so see if she's willing to try a few things with you. It could just be a case that she's never found it great in the past and if she's willing to give you a chance to try to find a method that she will enjoy, maybe that's all that it will take. Because tbh, if she's happy to have sex with you (i.e. she isn't not having it for reasons such as she wants to wait or something), then I think it would be unfair of her to not compromise and try out a few things with you. At least then if she really doesn't like it after, at least you know she tried and wanted to give you a chance at what you wanted. If that fails, then you're just sexually incompatible and she honestly just doesn't want sex and then it's up to you to decide if you can go on like that or not.

I just think it's unfair for a relationship to not have compromise, and it would be nice if she would be willing to give you more than just one go at sex because really, rejecting it with you after that is a bit silly. But if she honestly doesn't want to have sex with you, then that's her choice and if her unwillingness to have sex is greater than your want for it, then it won't change.
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Studentus-anonymous
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(Original post by dgeorge)
Personally, I think that it is quite likely that there are underlying issues besides simply " a low sex drive"

You and her need to have a serious talk about your sexual expectations with each other.
To be fair though it's not always salvageable just because you have a reason, or even able to find it.

I had a girlfriend where we had great sex to begin with, and then she basically just stopped wanting it. It could have been any number of things going on in her life, her meds, her libido is patchy and goes through phases, whatever.

What's important here is the girl wants to make things work, at least then you have a fighting chance, otherwise best to just split amicably.
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Diaxer
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Adding to all this, contraceptives such as the pill can lower sex drive too.
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xWebber
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Relationships are not all about sex.
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InnerTemple
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(Original post by xWebber)
Relationships are not all about sex.
No, but sex is an important part in any relationship and if one partner has a bigger sexual appetite then the other, problems can occur.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by strawberry)
there are women who have no sexual desire until they're actually having sex. not every woman is the same. you need to try to work with whatever type of woman she is in terms of sex drive ... and then only if all else fails, go somewhere else.
This sums up me, I dont think about sex, I dont ever wake up and think of I want sex, I never even when im with my boyfriend thin I really feel like sex now, I only want sex and have a sex drive when im having sex. That said my oyfriend moans i never initiaite, this is because my last ex boyfriend who i lost my virginity to cheated on me and I have alot of issues trusting men, in a sick sense and it sounds very unfair to say this the thought of sleeping with somebody who has been with lots of people sort of scares me I always worry what if im just a number to him what if im just sex. Your gf could be the same as me she could worry that once you have sex you will look eslse where
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twelve
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(Original post by xWebber)
Relationships are not all about sex.
No, but it is an important aspect of the relationship. Even if you are 'no sex before marriage' the agreement to not have sex is part of your relationship. Basically, sexual attraction is the main difference between being friends with someone, and wanting to be a couple with that person.
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Sophienlee1
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I've been in a relationship for over 9years and I have a high sex drive yet my other half does not . I feel like I can't get her in the mood and it's only me who ever gets things going . I know she was very sexualy active before me and feel hurt it's only me who wants it i feel pathetic my girl isn't attracted to me .also we have 3 beautiful kids but think she is just settling because of out kids .I love her so much .I don't know what to do
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Author1
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Get good at sex. You probably suck in bed. Fact is, most girls with a "low sex drive" are just unsatisfied in bed, and most just put it down to "eh. Low sex drive". Get better in bed, and I guarantee that her sex drive will revitalize. And good in bed doesn't equate to last longer - if all you do is shove it in, orgasm and leave then no wonder she doesn't want to have sex at all.
Secondly, don't be a whiner, and don't keep behaving like you don't deserve her, because your mentality affects hers - soon, she'll believe that as well. Stop chasing, compromising excessively, let her walk over you if you do let her, etc - just (at least act like it, actually feeling this takes a while) be calm, confident and sure that she'd never leave you, because it would be *her* loss. Not yours. And also - Get. Good. In. Bed.
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Elektra06
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I think the problem is already solved as it was 6 years ago 😂

Also low sex drives come from many things not just because "they're bad in bed"

Hormonal changes from contraception, low mood like depression, fears/anxiety, conditions such as endometriosis ect.

It's not as simple as "getting better in bed" x
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Bknut32
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Yes they are
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