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I don't know what to do.

I have a re-scheduled consultation with one of my lecturers this Wednesday but I’m feeling really nervous and getting in a panicky mode as I can’t get out of it, having conveniently missed it today because I allegedly was too ill to come in. I don’t want to be alone with this man – in fact I don’t ever really want to see him again. I don't know what to do!

I can’t think straight because I’m too confused, upset and angry. I can’t tell anyone because it would mean they were right. I don't want to tell anyone because I hate it - I hate what happened.

I have some brilliant lecturers and have always got on with them really well, particularly Lecturer A. I thought he was a brilliant teacher and always looked up at him. He was also my personal advisor last year and was absolutely brilliant with academic issues and even went out of his way to help me switch some units when the course tutors were being difficult. So we always had a good rapport, and I suppose this year I have become something of ‘teacher’s pet’ in his class. Therefore I always took my friends and classmates comments he ‘fancied me’ as a joke. I always assumed this absurd notion probably came about because he used to wait for me after class to chat to me (but he did this to a few other students too) and also for various other inconsequential reasons. In the last few weeks Lecturer A and my conversations seemed to cross the student/teacher relationship slightly. It became more of a personal friendship, which started to make me feel a little uncomfortable particularly when some of his questions and comments seemed a little intrusive. However, he gave no reasons for me to suspect anything unusual. Or maybe that was me being naïve? It sounds like I'm making excuses...I just can't make sense of things? Last Thursday, I happened to be in Lecturer A's office after the seminar to collect my references for a summer course I want to take. All was going well until he started to make comments about my dress sense and then telling me how beautiful I was - and I can't even remember what I said but he kissed me straight after. I practically ran out of his office once I gathered my senses but the fact is when he kissed me I let him kiss me. I think I was too horrified by what was happening.

I've been pretending nothing has happened since. An email from him makes no mention of the incident. I'm just horrified and gutted about what has happened. I feel badly let down. I don't want to see him ever again. I feel as if I've lost control over everything just by this once incident. I hate feeling like this - guilty and angry, and torn and confused.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

OP

It's also occured to me that I can't miss the next two lectures and seminars.

Reply 2

*soph*

14

Hm. This guy sounds like a creep, but that doesn't help you very much. My gut feeling to what you've said is that it may have been a one off - the fact he's not mentioned it in emails suggests he's not going to try anything again, but if you're worried then take a friend or someone to wait outside while you go to see him? You will have people around you for the lectures and seminars, so just make sure you're bolstered by mates and they should be fine. Don't be alone with him at any point. In case you're thinking it, it's not your fault - he kissed you, not the other way round, and he's the lecturer who should know where to draw the line between a professional and non-professional relationship with students. Tis hard to know what to do, because in a way, he's holding the cards, but if you limit one to one contact and don't get in over your head, things should be fine.

Reply 3

username47781

20

hmmmm sounds like he was trying to take advantage of your vulnerability like soph said don't be alone with him.

Reply 4

Anonymous #2

poor u, i feel nervus for u!!!! My driving instructor had the same effect on me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

I feel like I should have expected this. Apparently he once had his doctorate suspended because of an incident involving him and a student. I think I was too willing to believe the best in him - I did genuinely like him – I thought he amusing, different and I was enjoying the course so much.

It’s just I don’t know what to expect in the consultation. Obviously I have no choice but to go, but I’m just getting myself into a nervous wreck imagining all these scenarios that could take place on Wednesday. It’s going to be so awkward – and I feel like I just don’t know how to react/

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

I just don't want to talk about it. I want to pretend it didn't happen. But I don't know how I'm going to be my usual self. I was also thinking long term - he is one of the course tutors for an option I'm taking next year. I know I'm kind of overreacting and probably not thinking straight but I feel so uncomfortable and so distressed by the whole thing. :frown:

Reply 7

BouncyB

1

I think its best you say something and clear the air.

Reply 8

BouncyB

1

Egnoring it will just make it worse as time passes!

Reply 9

pol_student

8

soph is right... take a friend with you (make up a reason if you don't feel that you can tell them the truth - i.e. lets go to X, but I've just got to pop into uni first)

Reply 10

Little Girl Red

1

I think you should say something too. Just tell him that you didn't mean to lead him on. Be very civil about it. And tell somebody that you can trust not to spread this around, because I think you need a friend to talk to about this.

definatly!

obviously you can't forget about it if you're getting into such a state. as already mentioned you need talk about it. i think you should speak to him about what happened, and how you feel, and if he is the lecturer you had a good relationship with, then maybe he'll be able to explain his actions, and you can both move on from this situation. the fact he hasn't made any mention of the incident pretty much suggests he'd like to forget about it too. not wanting to make any excuses for him, but maybe he misread your friendship?

Reply 13

Anonymous #3

you could also report him if he gives you furthur grief...although i don't know if that's such a good idea. might be going a bit to far. i was just imagining myself in your position, i wouldn't like anyone to know a professor hit on me...and that i could have also ruined his career...

Reply 14

Gem

14

He had no right to do what he did. It is NOT your fault so please stop thinking that. You're no longer a school child and yes, you're over 16, but he has still violated the student-teacher relationship and he should never do that.

I think you need to report it, he shouldn't be allowed to get away with it and you wouldn't want him making someone else feel the way you do. You don't need to go to the consultation, if you feel scared being alone with him then this has had a bigger effect on you than you realise, and that's totally understandable. It's as though you've built up this trust with him and he's shattered it in one swoop.

You're not in the wrong here - he is. Report him to a course leader or dean, he can't get away with taking advantage of you. He's done it before, he's done it to you, he could easily do it again, and would he just stop at a kiss?

As for the way you feel, it could be an idea to talk to someone about it. You shouldn't feel ashamed, nor should you feel guilty. This isn't you're fault, but you have to give yourself the right help and time to get through it.

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

OP

Gem

He had no right to do what he did. It is NOT your fault so please stop thinking that. You're no longer a school child and yes, you're over 16, but he has still violated the student-teacher relationship and he should never do that.

I think you need to report it, he shouldn't be allowed to get away with it and you wouldn't want him making someone else feel the way you do. You don't need to go to the consultation, if you feel scared being alone with him then this has had a bigger effect on you than you realise, and that's totally understandable. It's as though you've built up this trust with him and he's shattered it in one swoop.

You're not in the wrong here - he is. Report him to a course leader or dean, he can't get away with taking advantage of you. He's done it before, he's done it to you, he could easily do it again, and would he just stop at a kiss?

As for the way you feel, it could be an idea to talk to someone about it. You shouldn't feel ashamed, nor should you feel guilty. This isn't you're fault, but you have to give yourself the right help and time to get through it.

Thank you so much for that reply.

I'm still confused. I hate being confused. I hate him for kissing me, and turning out to be exactly what everyone thought he was, yet I still can't villify him because of how much he helped me last year. I know I just can't make Wednesday, not only because I'm quite scared but because I feel I would powerless. The fact I let him kiss me is indicative of that. I always like to think I'm in control of things, and I'm hardly ever thrown off by anything, so I'm suprised by how something like this has shaken me up so much, and how astonishingly unsure of myself I am now. :frown:

Just spoken to my best friend and she's so outraged she feels compelled to complain on my behalf - but I don't want that. I just don't want anyone to know. I can't even seperate the lecturer I thought I knew to the one who took advantage of me that Thursday and left me feeling such a mess. I feel I need to speak to him but I don't know if I have the courage to do that.

Email him maybe?

If it was against one's own volition, report him.

Reply 18

Anonymous #3

Ferrus

If it was against one's own volition, report him.

i still think the reporting thing might be going a litle far, esp if he might have kissed her because he thought that was what she wanted. to me it sounds like they have something of a history and it wasn't just him deciding i'm going to hit on her. could have been a genuine mistake, and his career could be ruined just because of it. i might get a telling off for this - i.e. it doesn't matter, regardless he shouldn't have done what he did... :rolleyes:

just would like to know the reasons behind his actions.

thread-starter doesn't make him out to be a complete creep.

Reply 19

Gem

14

Anonymous

Thank you so much for that reply.

I'm still confused. I hate being confused. I hate him for kissing me, and turning out to be exactly what everyone thought he was, yet I still can't villify him because of how much he helped me last year. I know I just can't make Wednesday, not only because I'm quite scared but because I feel I would powerless. The fact I let him kiss me is indicative of that. I always like to think I'm in control of things, and I'm hardly ever thrown off by anything, so I'm suprised by how something like this has shaken me up so much, and how astonishingly unsure of myself I am now. :frown:

Just spoken to my best friend and she's so outraged she feels compelled to complain on my behalf - but I don't want that. I just don't want anyone to know. I can't even seperate the lecturer I thought I knew to the one who took advantage of me that Thursday and left me feeling such a mess. I feel I need to speak to him but I don't know if I have the courage to do that.

The amount that he helped you last year has absolutely nothing to do with what he did to you. It's like giving him an excuse to take advantage of you. Yes, so he helped you a lot last year - that's his job, he gets paid to do it. It doesn't mean than in return you have to kiss him or do anything else with him. You didn't let him kiss you, as you said, you were so horrified you just didn't stop him - there's a difference. It probably all happened to quickly and to be shocked by it, make sense of it, then try to stop it, would have taken longer that the kiss actually was. This isn't your fault in any way.

I'm really glad you've talked to your best friend - thats the first step. Someone else knows now, so you don't have this horrible big burden hanging over you. Doesn't her reaction - being outraged - show you that it's not just you? Turn the tables, say it was your friend that he did this to, wouldn't you be thinking in exactly the same was as she is now? I can understand you not wanting anyone to know, but telling someone who can do something, say the course leader, is a good idea. If they knew what had gone on, they'd be horrified that a member of staff has behaved so imappropriately. They'll deal with it in the sensitive way that it should be dealt with - you are the injured party so to speak, and they're not going to want to cause you any extra distress, so it can be dealt with anonymously. Plus, I'm doubting that they're going to want to bring a whole lot of attention to their Uni either. Don't worry about that, just get the help you need to get over what happened and don't let this ruin your degree. You're shaken up right now, and thats completely understandable. It will take some time to build up your confidence to how it was before this happened, but you will get there. Don't let this man spoil your future, you deserve better than that, and by reporting him, you're preventing him from putting someone else through the pain you're going through now. Also, you can always PM me if you need to, just for a bit of reassurance. I know you're anon and can understand if you don't want to (I won't tell anyone) but the offer is there.

I don't know what to do.

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