love, leaving, and long distance

so the other day, my boyfriend of almost a year suddenly realises i'm not taking a gap year. and not only that, but suddenly decides that this means that seeing he is taking one, we're going to have to break up because im going to be going to a university at least three hours journey away from where we both live now.
instead of not commiting himself and deciding to take things as they go as i was, he almost named the day when we would have to break up. he was really upset at the time, and he's been really down about it, but i feel like i hav more of a right to be sad seeing as i'm the one who's been saying that it could work, and we should try it, and if we care enough then we'll make it work. but he doesnt think he can deal with long distance which is understandable, but he doesnt seem to want to try it either.
i feel like i'm making him sound worse than he is, he is actually more upset about it than i am at the moment i think, until it sudenly occured to me what this means, or what it feels like it means....
basically i now have to go the next 6 months knowing that he plans to leave me at the end of it, which just doesnt work and i cant see us being able to enjoy being together when the end "is nigh" as it were. and this doesnt seem like love, love is when you stay together no matter what, i know we're young, but us being together because we want to be is what matters in the whole of this.
so i feel like i should end it, because now i dont know how things are going to go on from now, but i cant becuase everything has been so amazing recently, and our relationship has been completely perfect, i just cant understand why he wont try long distance, and even though i feel like this shows he doesnt love me enough, i know he really really does, and so i cant leave him because of that either. yet i feel like we cant enjoy the next six months because of what he said :'(

Reply 1

Aberdonian*Lass

1

Three hours and your lucky!!! Me and Jason are a seven or eight hour train ride apart and we make it work. Dont let him persuade you to give the next six months of your life to him if he cant even try LDR for a few weeks!!

Personally, although im sure you love him, he sounds pretty weak to me and not very considerate of your feelings. Ask him straight out whether he's worried about being faithful or just cant be bothered. To be truthful though, if he answers yes to either of those questions he's not worth it...you can do better than someone who wont try to make do with being a measley three hours apart!

Reply 2

Aberdonian*Lass

1

If thats the way he feels he should never expect you to carry on with him for 6months before you split. If he wants to split then fair enough but he shouldnt drag it out like that for you.

Reply 3

pol_student

8

He might change is mind.

If you feel so strongly for him, why don't you tell him that what he said upset you, and ask him if he thinks he may change his mind about the long-distance thing. If he's certain of his answer, then you have a difficult decision to make.

Reply 4

XavierTroy

1

Think I've already answered a question like this before. Let me explain my situation which is rather similar. I'm probably going to Reading Uni in October whereas my girlfriend is staying in Bristol studying at UWE (where we live currently). around a year ago I was already considering the immense straint university would put on us. Currently we've been together nearly 3 years so from the age of 15.

At the time I felt like I was having break down considering it. Initially when we went out I always considered that if I had a relationship before uni I would probably break up with the person and meet someone at university, although it would be tough to do, I didn't want to do the long distance thing, it would be too hard.

As things stand my mentality is the complete opposite... my fears have vanished and my logical analysis is... what is 3 years of semi-long distance? We are a fantastic couple, we are funny, we are very similar and more than anything we are best friends. I feel we have a future together, and in the long run if that can happen, what is 3 years? Now obviously I understand that many couples cannot cope with the trials of distance and I don't know what it will do to us, but I know initially it will be tough.

In short to help you... you need to talk with him, you need to say how you feel and ask if he feels he loves you enough to feel it can last the trials of long distance. I don't think you should leave things as they are, you need to understand where things are going and have direction. It sound sto me as if you ahve not been together for a huge amount of time (correct me if I'm wrong, I apologise), but maybe those 6 months can substantially develop the relationship and he will change his mind. Now I would find it impossible to leave my girlfriend, she is too important to me; but it sounds as if he have the fundations of a loving a strong relationship and it is surprising how he seems so set on the break up.

What also confuses me is that he is taking a gap year, yet to plans to stay 3 hours away from you. Can he not take his gap year in the area where your uni is? I suggest you consider the options and financial practicality of them, consider the emotional development of the relationship and both TALK about how where to go. You do not hastily want to jump into a break up and have regrets... you need to make clear to him that you think you have a good relationship that you wish to keep and see if he will change his opinion or possibly rest on his idea for a few months and reconsider his position. If he is set on this break up idea I suggest you end the relationship as I can see it is hard for you to feel tied to an dead end relationship, and I don't blame you.

There is always the possibility he will reconsider naturally as I did (although I never said specifically to my girlfriend I woul HAVE to break up with herm as when I thought this I was miles away from uni). I hope you make your feelings clear to one another and work out a way to resolve it that makes you both happy. :smile:

Best of luck

Reply 5

Talon

18

Sometimes I just dont understand guys...which is pretty strange considering I am one.

True its hard being away from each other, but its extra nice when you go home.

Pretty Boy

you're boyfriends right. you just get accustomed to not having each other and then u realise you're not that big a deal to each other.

I have yet to encounter this situation...

Reply 6

jonathan.cohen18

1

I have the same problem!

Listen I'm going to uni in september in england and I live in France , I've been with this girl for 10 months now and she's begging me for a LDR.

Now being honest I do admit I love her.BUT I kow that uni lasts only three years and that I should make the most out of it and that is what is blocking me from saying yes...

Because she'll come and see me every once in a while during the week end coming on saturday and going back on sunday...Now I know that loads of activities take place during the week ends etc and I don't want to say to myself that I missed loads of fun and experience because I had a girlfriend.To be honest I'm getting scared of serious relationships because it asks for so much commitment etc...

I don't really know what to do as I'm going to see her tonight and she wants an answer whether or not we'll stay together...

Reply 7

Talon

18

Oh grow up. There will be plenty of time for fun at uni even if you have a gf. Think yourself lucky that she will be making the effort. There are also plenty of activities during the week...

Is it that you dont actually want to be with her? It seems like you are just making excuses, and pretty weak ones at that.

Plus if you really like her, you wont mind missing a small bit of the fun for some quality time with your lady...

Reply 8

username47781

20

Anonymous

so the other day, my boyfriend of almost a year suddenly realises i'm not taking a gap year. and not only that, but suddenly decides that this means that seeing he is taking one, we're going to have to break up because im going to be going to a university at least three hours journey away from where we both live now.
instead of not commiting himself and deciding to take things as they go as i was, he almost named the day when we would have to break up. he was really upset at the time, and he's been really down about it, but i feel like i hav more of a right to be sad seeing as i'm the one who's been saying that it could work, and we should try it, and if we care enough then we'll make it work. but he doesnt think he can deal with long distance which is understandable, but he doesnt seem to want to try it either.
i feel like i'm making him sound worse than he is, he is actually more upset about it than i am at the moment i think, until it sudenly occured to me what this means, or what it feels like it means....
basically i now have to go the next 6 months knowing that he plans to leave me at the end of it, which just doesnt work and i cant see us being able to enjoy being together when the end "is nigh" as it were. and this doesnt seem like love, love is when you stay together no matter what, i know we're young, but us being together because we want to be is what matters in the whole of this.
so i feel like i should end it, because now i dont know how things are going to go on from now, but i cant becuase everything has been so amazing recently, and our relationship has been completely perfect, i just cant understand why he wont try long distance, and even though i feel like this shows he doesnt love me enough, i know he really really does, and so i cant leave him because of that either. yet i feel like we cant enjoy the next six months because of what he said :'(

Surely if your b/f truely loved you he would make the effort 3 hours is nothing, thats how far me and my g/f are apart but it hasn't stopped our love its made it stronger and it makes the time when i see her again even more amazing, i think he's being a bit premature there, but it's his loss.

Reply 9

strawberry

13

I tried LDR and I lived 7 hours plane flight from him. Geez your boyfriend can do better than that!

Reply 10

Anonymous #2

it could be worse. me and my boyfriend will be tyhousands of miles apart in september while i go to mexico for three months. plus hje just broke up with me last week, i think something to do with, whats the point of fixing every little niggle if were going to break up in six months / trying to distance himself so he doesnt feel too upset in september. and there was me thinking that we were gona make the most out of the next six months. i guess not, then

Reply 11

Hel' in Heaven

jonathan.cohen18

Listen I'm going to uni in september in england and I live in France.

Yup that's me too! I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months now, and I think it could last much much longer. He just seems perfect for me, and the other way round! Our relationship is just getting better every day we're together.
My problems are that the course I'm in lasts 5 years, which is a really long time only seeing him at Christmas and Easter. Also, he's off on an Erasmus year to Spain next year, so it'll make it even more difficult to meet up.
I really don't want to leave him, but considering the amount of time we spend together these days, it'll be a real shock when I'm the other side of the Channel!
Do you think it's feasible to say "I'm back in 5 years time....we'll meet again then"?!!

Reply 12

pedy1986

13

I think its a mature decision to realise that in the majority of cases LDRs won't work. It doesn't matter how much you may care/love one another - your both are being put in an environment with new people, loads of work, loads of things to do - it's hard enough having a gf/bf at university, nevermind elsewhere!

Also, you have to recognise people change will at university - you may end up being with someone different from the person who left at the start of university - maybe for the better or the worse.

If things are meant to be, they will be - be it now, or in the future.

Reply 13

mousey

2

I had this last year. My boyfriend thought that we wouldn't be able to work our relationship whilst he was in durham and i was in nottingham, so he wanted to have the summer together and break up just before we went to uni. I think he also thought that he should be doing the single uni student thing at uni. I tried to get him to change his mind, and it didn't work. Luckily he had an epiphany and changed it on his own. We've made it work and are still happy now.

I think you should at least try and get your boyfriend to stay with you for the first term to see how it goes. At least then you can settle into uni without being an emotional wreck. You might decide that a LDR isn't right for you either, but if he loves you then i think you guys should try it. The thing that's keeping my relationship going is that we want to be together after uni - if you can't see yourself that far then ask if it's worth it?

Good luck, i know how horrible it is. xx

Reply 14

Cez

1

yeah 3 hours isn't bad, maybe as the time comes nearer he'll realise that you're worth the effort. I took 2 gap years and in one year spent 8 months on a different continent, and we're still together after 3 1/2 years. If he deserves you, he'll come round, and if not then however harsh it sounds it may be worth forgetting about him and finding someone who is more committed. Hope it works out for you

Reply 15

JessicaWessica

Pretty Boy

Aww man, i've been in this situation.

you're boyfriends right. you just get accustomed to not having each other and then u realise you're not that big a deal to each other.

and then, its over.

So then are you saying long distance relationships dnt work and that love simply disappears and you give up? Let me tell ya you don't think like that if a relationship's worth fighting for. I live in Gloucestershire and my ex lived in Scotland, we broke up after 3 years (not due to long distance due to his drug habits). So I think that's kinda wrong, perhaps it's just a subjective thing. xxx

Reply 16

wasiswow

Once upon a time there was an ordinary woman who worked at an ordinary software company. One day in the hall she met a prince disguised as an ordinary man, and she knew almost immediately that he was The One.

He looked at her and decided that she must certainly be a princess, for only a princess could steal a man's heart with a single smile. In truth, she'd never been a princess before and never thought to become one, but in loving her, he crowned her the princess of his heart, and even in her grandest dreams she'd never imagined anything so perfectly wonderful as that.

They were thrilled to have found each other... but soon the prince was forced to leave his princess and travel to another land, where he lived without her for more than a year. It was the longest year of their lives. They were rarely together, and then only briefly. Their hearts broke and they went mad with loneliness for each other. Each of them, knowing the true beauty of the other, was sure that the other was doubtless besieged with irresistible offers of love and passion, every single day. Neither thought themselves worthy to hold the other's heart... especially from such a distance. They suffered mightily and cried copiously... until a miracle began to happen. As time passed, they each saw that the other continued to wait and continued to suffer, with love. The princess began to trust that he really loved and wanted only her, and would settle for no other. The prince came to believe that she loved him so much that she would wait... no matter how long he was away.

And so they did wait, for one another. Time passed slowly, but their hearts rested more easily in the sure and certain knowledge that one day they would be together, forever.

When that day finally came, there was feasting and dancing in all the kingdom. The family and friends who'd comforted the two when they were suffering alone came to rejoice with them and celebrate their joy at being together again, at last. The prince and his princess joined their hands and vowed before all to love each other forever and ever.

And they loved happily ever after.

When I met Gary and fell in love with him, I had no idea what I was letting myself in for. At that time he was a software engineer, and in the computer industry two years is about the normal life span of a job for good technical people. There's so much demand for their talents that they change jobs with some frequency to jump up their salaries, and they usually travel... a lot.

Within a few months of our meeting, he was living in Denver and I was still home in Austin, missing him and feeling profoundly sorry for myself. For one-and -a-half long, lonely years, we saw each other twice a month, in Austin or Denver... and we lived for those weekends.

There were no books on surviving this sort of thing at that time, and no one either of us knew had ever made it work. But we loved each other too much not to try. We had some of the best times of our lives on those weekends together... and some of the worst times between them. He buried himself in hard work to stifle the pain of our separation, but no amount of work could relieve the suffering. Three times I reached my breaking point and ended the relationship. Three times within days, I was back on the phone with him, crying my heart out. It was hell.

After the longest eighteen months in the history of the world, he came home to Austin, we got engaged, and everything was as wonderful as we always knew it could be. We were busy planning our wedding and being a normal couple. We were both happier than we'd ever been. He was offered an opportunity to work in Switzerland and we were thrilled about it. We arrived in Switzerland and moved into our new house a month after the wedding. I thought our separations were behind us and I was ready for happily ever after.

I was sadly mistaken.

For the next two years, Gary traveled all week, every week. Although he was home on weekends, I spent five days a week in a small village in a foreign country where I had exactly one friend and could barely speak the language. I have never felt so alone.

And that's how I came to know a thing or two about long-distance relationships. Since then, I have met countless people who are living with them: people who travel for business, people in the military or in love with someone who is, people who are away at school, and so many people who have fallen in love over the Internet and are living for the day they can join their mates in one country or the other. This book is for them. I am touched by their stories because I know what it's like to wait and wish and want so much that nothing else matters.

If you're in a long-distance relationship, welcome to the fold. It is my most heartfelt wish that what you find between the covers of this book gives you comfort, makes you laugh, helps you solve a problem or two, and most of all, gives you the sure and certain knowledge that You Are Not Alone.

Reply 17

Anonymous #3

I'm currently in a position where I am having to choose whether I want a career in the RAF living anywhere in the world that they send me - or settle down and have a family with my boyfriend who I love very much. I agree with him that the RAF is a less than ideal environment to set up a young family, but the RAF has always been a dream for me. A big decision and I envy you that you only have three years of living apart then you can settle together and do whatever you want for your future together. I would much rather be facing that than the situation I face just now

love, leaving, and long distance

Related discussions

Articles for you