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Religion getting in the way of a friendship

Right. Background...

As many of you know, I'm an atheist - though respectful of people's beliefs as long as they don't start preaching to me.
Now... I have a best friend (female) who's a Born Again Christian. I've known her for over 8 years, but we've been best friends for over 3 now.
We went on holiday with another friend of ours a couple of years ago and had a deep conversation about ethics - particularly to do with sexuality. She's strictly against homosexuality in any form. Now at the time... I considered myself straight. I'd never before had feelings for a guy. She specifically said (in a completely hypothetical context) "If you ever turned out to be gay, I could never accept that."

Now, however, I've discovered my true sexuality - I'm bi for those of you who don't know.
Ever since I figured that out... I felt guilty for living a lie with my friend because I felt that I couldn't tell her because of her opinion of homosexuality. :frown:

So ever since about June... I've not come up with the courage to say anything to her...
I promised her that I'd always tell her everything and she promised the same.

Anyway... Lately, I've been feeling isolated :frown:

I really need my friend... but because of all this dishonesty, I don't think I can talk to her - however, conversely, if I told her, I worry that shes going to be upset with me... :frown:

she makes me feel ashamed to be what I am :frown:

I just don't want to be a pariah in her family (who are all devout Christians)

What should I do? (Feel free to ask any questions by the way...) Thanks people :redface:

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1

Indus1986

Yeah... you're bi, i'm sure there is a loop hole in the system that lets her be cool with you.

Reply 2

Sarky

Its very difficult, but try reminding her that although you don't agree with her views you are respectful of them, and eight years of friendship would be such a shame to loose.

Reply 3

Mad Vlad

Indus1986

Yeah... you're bi, i'm sure there is a loop hole in the system that lets her be cool with you.

Its fancying guys that she objects to in principle...

Reply 4

white_haired_wizard

That's a tricky one. The fact remains that she is the one with outdated horrible views on homosexuality - i strongly believe religion can be incredibly corrupting, for example the Pope and his views on various issues, very conservative traditional perspective on things. How sure are you of whether your friend was being purely hypothetical when saying she'd pretty much disown you as a friend if you happened to turn out gay? Another way of looking at things, how much do you feel the need to tell her you're bisexual? We all have things about ourselves, personal traits, secrets et al that we don't feel or want to disclose to other people, even if its to our very closest family and friends...but it seems you are a pretty open personality and if you like to talk deeply and intimately with conversations, then sooner or later, the truth will come out - so i would advise you not to lie as deceit and spun personal philosophies often catch up with you at some point - then rather being attacked for having interest in the same sex, on the physical, emotional basis, you will be attacked on the basis of being a compulsive liar. Maybe its a no-win situation but more than likely it could prove to be a situation that will prove more 'win' than the other result, even if isn't really a fulsome win....if you get me... :confused:

The fact that you are bi and not fully-fledged gay may give you some 'breathing space'!...not that that makes it right for her to be homophobic either way...

Reply 5

Gem

Vlad, never be ashamed of who you are. You can't change it and nor should you have to. You value her friendship so much. If she values yours as much then she should accept who you are, but I can see that not happening.

Ask yourself, if she had to choose between your friendship and her religion, which would it be? Only you can answer that. If she would chose religion then you have to ask yourself whether you can either live without her friendship or live a lie when your with her. If I was you, I know it's difficult, but she should know. She might find it out through someone else, and wouldn't you rather it came from you? If she can't accept this aspect of you, then she doesn't deserve your friendship. Saying that though, I can completely understand how you would miss her. It's such a horrible situation to be in :frown:

As you say, you're respectful of hers and other peoples views, so she should respect yours. You said you made a pact to tell eachother everything, if she knew her views were making you feel this bad, wouldn't she want you to tell her? Hmmm I'm sorry I couldn't be much help, but you know I'm here to talk anytime :hugs:

Reply 6

Little Girl Red

Okay, I'm a Christian and I don't believe homosexuality is right. It specifically forbids it in the Bible, and I think that it is a sin, and I would never kiss another girl.
BUT. If another person is gay or bi, I don't judge them for it. That's what being a Christian is all about. I wouldn't necessarily support them, or agree with them, but I wouldn't treat them any differently. I would probably pray for them a lot, but thats not a negative thing. I don't condemn gay people, because if that's what they feel, then they can't help it, especially if they are not religious. So I wouldn't judge them for it.

I would tell your friend, and remind her (nicely) that being a Christian is NOT about judging people. If she is a born again christian, she should accept that and still be just as good a friend to you as she was before.

Reply 7

XavierTroy

I agree with the comments. You sound like good friends and religious beliefs can always cause some concerns but you have to hope that she can look through it and that she that something which (I feel) is a somewhat predisposed feature of your character is not wrong. Alot of Christians nowadays are extremely tolerant of other religions and life style choices (not that your sexual preference (or lack of it :biggrin:

) is a definately a choice). Talk to her, you can't have a truely strong friendship if she can't accept who you are. Consider yourself Roman o.o'

Reply 8

Mad Vlad

Thanks for the support people :redface:

I think I'll try speaking to her...

Thanks again :hugs:

Reply 9

Talon

Little Girl Red

I would tell your friend, and remind her (nicely) that being a Christian is NOT about judging people. If she is a born again christian, she should accept that and still be just as good a friend to you as she was before.

As the saying goes, judge not lest ye be judged.

Reply 10

Showsni

Christianity teaches "Love the sinner, hate the sin." So even if she views homosexuality as a sin, it shouldn't affect her views of you as a person.

Reply 11

e11even

Showsni

Christianity teaches "Love the sinner, hate the sin." So even if she views homosexuality as a sin, it shouldn't affect her views of you as a person.

Well said. :smile:

Reply 12

Tarts_n_Vicars

I think when you have strong religious beliefs it's very easy to say you wouldn't tolerate certain things or behaviour from people, until it's actually someone you know. So although she said "oh if you were gay we couldn't be friends" that and the reality are different things.

And even in the worse case scenario, would you want a friend who would judge you so harshly? It's highly un-christian to be so judgemental.

Reply 13

lirael2

Im christain but I would never condem gay or bi people its who they are. Whos to say they should stop feeling what they feel because of fear. The christains believe that theres only one way to have sex and thats wrong too. People shouldn't be held back

Reply 14

Angelil

I agree with what others have said here.
Good luck mate, let us know how it goes.

Reply 15

icklehc

if one of my "friends" put their religion before our friendship i would be deeply disappointed. there is nothing wrong with having a religion but the fact that the person in questions view on homosexuality is not relelvant to todays society makes it harder. if you are bisexual you should be proud and not worry about the opinions of your friend or anyone else for that matter. your friend should accept that just because they believe it is wrong doesnt mean that it is in fact wrong.

Reply 16

icedout

There are two options: sexual reorientation therapy. Or suicide. I advise against the latter.

Reply 17

glance

What a great religion Christianity is, where you can forgive a terrorist but damn a homosexual to Hell.

I'm sorry to all the Christians out there, but I feel the following: What utter, utter *******s.

Reply 18

FadeToBlackout

Whether she says that or not, 8 years of very close friendship cannot be washed away like that. If you tell her, she's going to get an internal conflict between her beliefs and her interpretation of the Christian message and her feelings of friendship for you.

Anyway, I'm sure that she will find it in her heart to "forgive" you (I personally do not believe that there IS anything to have to forgive) but there will probably be turmoil before hand.

It's a ver tricky situation, I can't give an answer straight away... I wish I could.