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Warning, V. long! Help :-(

Hi,

I apologise in advance for the length of this post but the more detail in this case, the easier it will be to form an opinion thanks to those who are willing to read it.

Basically, on Monday evening I had reason to believe my boyfriend was lying to me - it was over something rather insignificant but I can't stand being lied to. It hurt more as well given that there have been many instances in the past when I have suspected him of telling me fibs, but each time I raise the issue he denies it and says he just can't get his facts straight - he then gets angry and sulky because I don't trust him. I have had no choice but to let it go the best I can through lack of evidence. I must add at this point that I have trust issues, which I am working on (am in counselling) - this makes it hard to let go of these past issues and there are days when I can't stop analysing whether he has lied or not. I realise that they will not help when it comes to trusting my boyfriend but he can't blame them issues solely for my suspicions and use it to cover his back, which I feel he is doing.

This time he did the same and denied it, despite the fact that the evidence clearly suggests a fib has been told somewhere. When asked if he was lying he said "no" but when asked how he can explain it he said "I'm not going to attempt to explain, I don't care". This really hurt because he knows I have trust problems, and he supposedly understands, yet cannot see why I would be upset about his fibs. I got really upset and got angry, resulting in me laying into him a fair bit - accusing him of not loving me anymore because he will not take responsibility for his own actions despite the fact I'm visibly upset by them for example. I realise now that this wasn't the best way to handle things, but I was getting increasily frustrated because he wouldn't respond to anything I was saying - he just looked at me, ignored my questions (claims he had nothing to say), and tells me that this was because he couldn't think about anything (had switched off).

Since then nothing has really been sorted. He has been really distant towards me and generally not been very loving at all. I tried to get my head around this, thinking that maybe he needed some time and space to get his head together. Consequently, I've been staying away during the day and evenings, and seeing friends, hoping that he would come to me when he was ready to discuss things. I saw no point in ignoring him completely because despite my angry/upset feelings I wanted to show that I wasn't punishing him for behaving like this. I also made a point of apologising for my part in this situation (how I spoke to him, for some of the things I had said, and for any hurt/upset this may have caused - I feel that my approach may have contributed to his switching off). It also crossed my mind that I may have assumed that he needed space wrongly and asked him what he wanted - he said he didn't know. In the end I just have done what is best for me and asked him to tell me when he is ready for a chat.

Three days later, nothing has really changed. He doesn't text me, rarely speaks when I am around, and basically it feels as though I'm not here. Earlier today I decided to break the no text contact because I feel so low and basically explained that I haven't known what to do for the best in the past few days, and although he is upset, it is really hard for me feeling unloved and not cared about. I also explained that because he had not communicated what was going on for him I was starting to fear the worst - that he was trying to find a way to break up with me. Anyways, it turns out he has no intention of ending it but is feeling emotionally numb and consequently doesn't know how he feels or what he thinks at the moment. I was very upset to learn that right now he doesn't know what his priorities are (I had said that I didn't feel much of a priority to him) and that he hasn't really been thinking about the situation because he can't - is this reasonable given that he is feeling numb? I've never really felt it so I don't understand.

I've been trying to get my head around this concept and have come to the conclusion that he needs some help - I feel that this reaction is pretty severe given the context and that this is a coping mechanism (this has also happened numerous times before but not so severely when talking about where he has upset me)...I feel he is protecting himself from facing up to feelings of shame, guilt, low self worth etc which result from an extremely difficult past. His ex-girlfriend of 5 years committed suicide a year ago after being apart for a year - for various reasons he blamed himself and this won't have done much for his self esteem. There are many other events along the way which I also feel he is trying to run away from - he just seems to not care about too much (I know some guys mask it but this is just too much). I am concerned that he is experiencing blocked grief amongst other things, and this affects his conduct in relationships with people (e.g. lacking empathy for the pain of others) - I reckon that he is emotionally numb to some extent every day of his life. I also think that if he is lying, that although not an excuse, he is doing so because he is scared of losing me if I find out about certain things. To me it is irrational but hey.

After realising this I gathered that staying a way probably wouldn't do much and have decided to be as accepting and supportive as I can until he comes round (after this I will share feelings a bit more calmly and suggest he gets some help) - me ignoring him and being angry will not help. Since doing that he seems a little better (talking a bit more, be it about computing, but right now I don't think that matters).

I am wondering whether I am doing the right thing. I always doubt my actions and opinions and part of me is worried that I'm being taken for a ride here. What do you guys think? I'm struggling with an emotionally abusive past (I am very needy of love and am sensitive to actions which may suggest he doesn't love me), hence why I'm in counselling, and I don't know what to do for the best - walk away or be there for him no matter what (I'm going for the latter at the moment because I love him to bits and walking away would hurt just as much).

I'm really sorry about the length of this - believe me, it's very much shortened!!

Reply 1

username47781

20

Relationships are built on trust but if there is no trust with one of the partners then it will kill any relationship, it could be perfectly innocent why he doesn't tell you everything, he would well still be grieving over the loss of his girlfriend, really you've gotta try and be there for him, no he's told you he does not want to leave you so i'd take note.

My last relationship broke down mainly due to lack of trust from my g/f and believe me i get very upset if i am not trusted its what people do, i am sure he generally loves you.

Reply 2

albowonderer

this is speaking from zero past experience but i personally think that if u gave him an ultimatim (sorri i cant spell lol) either he starts showing you the love that you need or you leave plain as that i mean if he truely loves you he will make the right choice!
good luck!

Reply 3

female_engineer

OP

1

Thank you both for replying to my very long post. I appreciate it!

Reply 4

hiky

Just make sure he understands that you are there for him
I wish you all the best with getting this issue resolved
Love hugs and kisses
TSR_Princess xxxx

Reply 5

FrisbeeFan

10

I'm inclined to believe that you are doing the right thing. To be honest you sound like a great girlfriend to me, despite your various issues. It takes one to know one maybe? (As in, you both having issues). Anyway, from the sound of it, I think you should carry on how you've started. It will be hard, obviously, but with issues such as he has you can't expect a quick resolvement.

The very best of luck!

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

maybe you should try seeing it from his perspective. sorry if this sounds harsh but it might be something along the lines of:

"my girlfriend keeps on accusing me of lying over petty things. recently she went crazy at me over something that was very insignificant and accused me of no longer loving her. i was really hurt by this."

outcome - he has gone quiet because:
(a) he no longer loves you
(b) he loves you but feels angry with you because of the accusation.

Reply 7

female_engineer

OP

1

To all those who have posted since my last message, thank you. I appreciate all your comments, even those that are seemingly harsh - you all have made good points. As to anonymous who suggested I look at it from his point of view, trust me I have...this is why I sincerely apologised to him with no pressure to talk.

Things are getting better slowly I suppose, it's just so difficult to hear someone you love be so cold and unknowing of how they feel towards you. His behaviour is confusing (sometimes he is off, other times he will talk but this is normally about material things), and hard, but I think if I bare with it I could give him the boost he needs to begin feeling something again. I just get scared that he will be like this for ages - fingers crossed eh!

Anyways, keep the opinions coming, I need as much support as I can get.

Thanks

Reply 8

Misogynist

18

First of all I think you're an obsessive/possesive person. Lay off the poor guy for goodness sake.

Reply 9

female_engineer

OP

1

Godsize

First of all I think you're an obsessive/possesive person. Lay off the poor guy for goodness sake.

OK, fair enough!

Reply 10

meepmeep

With the whole trust issue, it sounds insane, but with an ex who was very insecure and constantly accused me of fibbing, it actually drove me to telling fibs to try and draw the world exactly as she wanted to see it. It wasn't through some desire to hide bad things, it was simply because if I didn't paint things up to be 100% perfect, she'd get insecure. Bit of a catch-22 - if she caught me fibbing she wouldn't trust me in any difficult situations, so I'd simply paint them out, although I'd never do anything to hurt her but it meant I'd get caught out telling some silly fib. In the end it drove the relationship apart. Looking back, I'd have handled the situation totally differently and would have gone with the whole honesty thing from the start, but relationships aren't about demanding to know absolutely everything about what the other person is doing, saying and even thinking every moment. My current gf is wonderful and I have complete faith in her, even though I know she's a bit of a flirt, but she'd never take it any further as she loves me as I love her. I know it's hard and it's good you're taking steps to try to cope.

If it's just over this, you've done the right thing. Give him time. If it's similar to what I went through, he'll regret lying but wish you could have the trust in him in the first place. He doesn't sound a cheater to me. Perhaps take pains to show that, although you hate it when he lies, you do trust him and he has no reason to lie to you.

As for the other stuff, some of this is fairly heavy. Perhaps stress that you're there for him whenever he needs you. Broach the subject of seeing a psychiatrist carefully though if you need to. This is all fixable I think, but you do need to sit down and build some foundations of trust! Once you get that, you can beat anything.

Reply 11

female_engineer

OP

1

I think it's time for an update. This morning I thought I was getting somewhere - he was much more like his loving self but not perfect. Come lunch time however I think I may have blown it...we normally meet for lunch everyday and I got upset when he didn't ask me whether he could see me...he just text to say he was going home. Anyway, it ended up with me having a go at him in floods of tears (I let my feelings get the better of me). He says right now my feelings aren't affecting him (he doesn't feel any remorse or regret etc) and has no answers to my questions.

I really don't know what to think anymore...I can't understand how someone who can feel so numb can be so selective with what he says (has no problem telling me bad bits about my behaviour), can change from one minute to the next (nice this morning and then back a few steps later on), and seems to only treat me in this way. I also don't class singing happily to music as feeling nothing. I can't decide whether I may have just made things worse or whether I gave him the benefit of the doubt incorrectly. Consequently I have no idea what to do now....break all contact and leave him be hoping he will come round (problem with this is it could take weeks) or keep trying to swallow everything and be nice. It would be easier to know what to do if I could decide whether he is being a b****** or he really can't help it. Help :frown:

Reply 12

username47781

20

Well i got a feeling he's still stuck in the past which is understandable the way his last girlfriend took his life has obviously messed him up, some people show emotion differently clearly he's bottling it all up, maybe leave him and see if he does come round.

Reply 13

female_engineer

OP

1

Firebird

Anyway every time I did it I shouted at him. The mistake you're making is losing contact with him. When you catch him out, don't let him leave. Stay with him until he's admitted and apologised for lying. If he goes away then he'll think of excuses to make (if he really wants to hide it). Get him to explain why he lied (I find the typical female harrassment works here - admitting he lied is so much easier than dealing with you nagging him).

I think it's shouting at him that makes him withdraw like this though. Not sure if he can help it mind you.

Reply 14

ciara

13

I don't have any clever solution but it does sound as though you both need a break. Do you live together? It seems a bit intense at the moment and you need space to think through your separate issues. Also this would be good for him in terms of reassessing his priorities, because if you currently aren't one then there is not much hope for the future. Hopefully he will see the light and realise he wants to be with you and work through things together and you could make a fresh start. Right now I reckon you're not getting anywhere being around each other, you are just trying to be reasonable and getting no reaction, then losing it and getting no reaction.

Reply 15

Schmokie Dragon

17

Always the hardest advice to hear:

Junk him. Anyone who refuses to account for themselves and tells a loved one "I dont care" is not worth it. He may get better but this shows something fundamental about her personality, an arrogance and selfishness.
Men don't change. They say they will but you cannot change who someone really is, only how they act if they care. And even then, they often revert to 'default' when they are tired/stressed etc.

Walking away will screw you up IN THE SHORT TERM. But if he is like this now, imagine how he will be as a grumpy 50 year old. Get out asap and you can explore and find out what you like, what you hate and hopefully the right man.

I am in a r/ship a bit like that and I often wish I had the guts to walk away. Don't make the same mistake I did.

Reply 16

hiky

TSR_Princess

Just make sure he understands that you are there for him
I wish you all the best with getting this issue resolved
Love hugs and kisses
TSR_Princess xxxx

I can't believe i just got Neg Repped for that :eek:

Reply 17

female_engineer

OP

1

TSR_Princess

I can't believe i just got Neg Repped for that :eek:

Sorry about that :frown:

Don't know why anyone would neg rep you for that.

Reply 18

Apricot Fairy

16

female_engineer

I think it's time for an update. This morning I thought I was getting somewhere - he was much more like his loving self but not perfect. Come lunch time however I think I may have blown it...we normally meet for lunch everyday and I got upset when he didn't ask me whether he could see me...he just text to say he was going home. Anyway, it ended up with me having a go at him in floods of tears (I let my feelings get the better of me). He says right now my feelings aren't affecting him (he doesn't feel any remorse or regret etc) and has no answers to my questions.

I really don't know what to think anymore...I can't understand how someone who can feel so numb can be so selective with what he says (has no problem telling me bad bits about my behaviour), can change from one minute to the next (nice this morning and then back a few steps later on), and seems to only treat me in this way. I also don't class singing happily to music as feeling nothing. I can't decide whether I may have just made things worse or whether I gave him the benefit of the doubt incorrectly. Consequently I have no idea what to do now....break all contact and leave him be hoping he will come round (problem with this is it could take weeks) or keep trying to swallow everything and be nice. It would be easier to know what to do if I could decide whether he is being a b****** or he really can't help it. Help :frown:

To be honest I can't say I'm surprised he's acting the way he is. He says he's going home, so you have a go at him in floods of tears. Great. Really supportive. You see, it seems to me as though he just needs to be supported and encouraged right now, and if you're going to make a massive deal about the fact that he doesn't want to have lunch with you on one day, and just wants to go home instead, he's going to see your relationship as yet another problem in his life that he could do without. Maybe he loves you but is just frustrated and pissed off because he has so many problems in his life and instead of being there for him and helping to alleviate them, he thinks you're making everything about you.

I think the simple truth is, a relationship can only support one needy person. A relationship where both people are fine is a great one. A relationship where one person needs support and the other is able and willing to give it is ok. A relationship where both people are having some kind of crisis is going to be very rocky, but if they're both clear-headed enough to try and support each other, they might be ok. A relationship where one person is having a crisis and the other is just generally needy will not work. Trust me. When I was with my ex I think I was pretty needy most of the time and used to get upset over little things. When he started going through a tough time in his life I should have put my own feelings to one side and concentrated on being there for him, because he could no longer look after me in the way that I was used to. I didn't, and carried on being demanding and getting upset if he didn't want to talk or spend much time together. We ended up splitting up.

If you're a needy person and you need someone who can look after you and not get mad when you get upset over little things, you need to be with someone strong enough to support both you and himself. If you want to stay with him, I think you need to start looking after yourself AND him, and not getting upset over little things, as that will just make the situation worse. If you don't like it, no one's making you stay in the relationship. I can't offer you a perfect solution here, as there are no magic words to say to make him forget about his problems and concentrate on making you happy. That's not going to happen. So obviously your only choices are to do what it takes to make him happy, even if it means forgetting about what you want for a while, or to end the relationship.