The Student Room Group

'Friend' Telling Me Things I Don't Want To Know

Basically, I have a problem. Might be a bit long, so thanks in advance for reading.

I got to know this quiet girl who has been bullied and picked on throughout her life.I sit next to her in Spanish, and we talk because we get bored. Other than me, she only had two other friends, and she fell out with them a few months ago. Now, she's started telling me all her secrets. Firstly, she said to me that she was suffering depression. Next, she told me she had attempted suicide twice, and she was on anti-depressants. Now, she's telling me she cuts herself regularly, sometimes in school.

This week, I went on a school trip, and sat next to her on a long coach journey. On this, I saw her cutting herself for about half an hour. I confronted her about this later, and she admitted it.

I don't want this girl to tell me her problems, because I can't cope with the knowledge of what she's doing. I was feeling realyl uncomfortable when she was cutting herself on the trip. However, if I tell the girl I don't want to know, she'll be distraught, and might attempt suicide again - this time succeeding. She thinks I'm her closest friend, and told her doctor that she could tell me anything.

What should I do? I feel might talk to the welfare officer in my school, as I can trust her, but I don't want to break my 'friends' confidence. I also want to tell her to stop telling me her problems and secrets, but I don't know how.

Sorry for the length of this post.

Thanks
She obviously is very comfortable around you and feels she can trust you, trouble is not everyone wants to hear about someone else's depression etc trouble is it seems she has no one to turn to, i don't know on this one it would be kinda hard just to tell her to go away.
Reply 2
I understand it would be hard, but I can't cope with what she's telling me. I have enough pressures in my own life (GCSEs, c/w, etc) to have her telling me this stuff. It also makes me feel uncomfortable, and I just can't deal with it.
This is a tricky one. I may be wrong, and I'm very sorry if i am. But i'm not even sure you really want anything to do with her. As sad as it is, her problems are not yours. It's difficult to scathe much meaning from a simple post, but you strike me as being a content, level-headed person. If you do not socialise with this girl, and you, in-turn, do not confide in this girl in the same way that she does, then she's seriously deluded. The fact that she blatently cut herself before you sets the alarm bells ringing. The girl, although it's sad that she's feeling unhappy and incontent, is clearly something of a nutter. If she is capable of cutting herself in front of you, then I worry what could happen to you if you let her get too close.

She's vunerable, and likely to take your relationship too seriously and rely upon it. Please try and break away from it gradually- it's not a healthy situation for you to be in. Speak to the lady you mentioned, as this poor girl needs help that you unfortunately cannot offer.

You sound like a very caring, kind person and that's highly commendable, sincerity is hard to come by. Just be careful, you don't want to look back in a few months and have to wish that this girl didn't even exist.

Good luck, let us know what you decide to do x
As you have noticed, if you push her away you may do considerable harm. I have been through this with friends. I didnt want to know either, I couldnt cope with the burden and the worry. But you have to put your emotions and comfort to one side and realise, you are all she has. Her safety, health and life are in your hands.

Encourage her to get help. If she is, then you have to wait for her to get better and hopefully she will stop. Sometmes we dont pick our friends, but I would never condone hurting someone just because one doesnt like or want their company.
Reply 5
Schmokie Dragon
Encourage her to get help. If she is, then you have to wait for her to get better and hopefully she will stop. Sometmes we dont pick our friends, but I would never condone hurting someone just because one doesnt like or want their company.

She is currently seeing a counsellor, and visits her doctor to talk every couple of weeks. She also talks to one teacher about her problems. I don't know if the last one counts as 'proper' help though...
You're doing GSCE's, so you're, what, 16?! This stuff is far too heavy. I respect the views in the other posts, but this girl is trying to cope with the challenge of growing up and the pressures of life, as she pointed out. It could easily be just as damaging for her to have to endure this girl. I'm absolutely sensitive to the fact that the girl in question needs someone. But the fact that it's 'anon' happened entirely by chance. Had she not have sat next to her in a bloody class, she wouldn't have to put up with this.

Let me please reinforce my earlier advice- please reduce contact with this girl. You don't need this. You've clearly ensured that she's receiving appropriate help- you know that she's seeking professional help. Significantly, you are still a child yourself. My brother is the same age as you. I would be terribly concerned if he were in your position.
justbrowsing
This is a tricky one. I may be wrong, and I'm very sorry if i am. But i'm not even sure you really want anything to do with her. As sad as it is, her problems are not yours. It's difficult to scathe much meaning from a simple post, but you strike me as being a content, level-headed person. If you do not socialise with this girl, and you, in-turn, do not confide in this girl in the same way that she does, then she's seriously deluded. The fact that she blatently cut herself before you sets the alarm bells ringing. The girl, although it's sad that she's feeling unhappy and incontent, is clearly something of a nutter. If she is capable of cutting herself in front of you, then I worry what could happen to you if you let her get too close.

She's vunerable, and likely to take your relationship too seriously and rely upon it. Please try and break away from it gradually- it's not a healthy situation for you to be in. Speak to the lady you mentioned, as this poor girl needs help that you unfortunately cannot offer.

You sound like a very caring, kind person and that's highly commendable, sincerity is hard to come by. Just be careful, you don't want to look back in a few months and have to wish that this girl didn't even exist.

Good luck, let us know what you decide to do x


I'd say thats probably the best way to go about it, try and find someone who can help her out.
Just because she confides in you doesn't make her a "nutter". If she was boasting about it, *that* would concern me, but it sounds more like a cry for help to me, especially the cutting. As Schmokie said, if she's really this low, pushing her away would do more harm than good.

If you want professional advice, I see no reason why you shouldn't get it. The policy at my old school was that no names, or identifying details should be mentioned without the person's knowledge. But if you phrase it as a hypothetical, or make it clear that this is someone you know, but want to keep their identity confidential, it should still be possible to talk to your welfare officer, tutor, or whoever you would go to.

I say this as a "quiet girl who was bulied and picked on throughout her life" - there is a point you reach, when the only way to cope is to tell people. If you've lost conversational ability, it may be the only thing you CAN talk about. I spent a fairly unpleasant couple of years living with the secret that I was depressed, suicidal, and had been bulied for as long as I could remember. It still is a secret, which is why I'm posting this anoymously - I'm too afraid of being judged as some needy looney.

If you want to prevent her confiding in you, I'm not sure there's much you can do. Perhaps have one long conversation about it - if she feels you know already, then that might well clear the air, and you won't feel it's being pushed in your face.

May I ask why you're so uncomfortable? It is, after all, an illness (depression, not the bullying!), and a very debiliating one - emotional paraplegia, as it were.

This has turned out to be a long post too :redface:, but I'll finish it off with one final thought... everyone, be they a "nutter" or not, needs the illusion of being liked/loved to remain sane. If you really are her only "friend", think hard before you cut her off :smile:
Firebird
If I saw someone cutting themselves I would avoid them completely and never speak to them again


I find this understandable, but a rather sad view. Why?
Well this really depends whether you can deal with someone telling you something like this or not, some people have the patience some people don't.
Reply 11
Anonymous

May I ask why you're so uncomfortable? It is, after all, an illness (depression, not the bullying!), and a very debiliating one - emotional paraplegia, as it were.

Well, watching someone cutting their skin with a knife is not really the most comfortable of situations, is it? I didn't really enjoy sitting next to her, and having to turn away while she did it, as I couldn't get out of my seat, as I was on a coach. Maybe you are comfortable watching someone cut themselves, but I'm not.

This girl isn't really my friend. That's why I put it in speechmarks.
Jesus thats now that is scary actually having to look away at someone cutting themselves, i think if she didn't want anyone to find out she would do it in private.
Anon 2- firstly, well done for your contribution, it's allowed us to look at things from a different angle. My view remains the same- I think 'anon 1' should end the 'freindship', the poor girl is depending upon her too much. It will hopefully help her in the long run, cos I think that only she can find the happiness she's craving by addressing the problems she currently has in her life.

I speak from experience. Although I wasn't 'bullied' in the traditional sense, there was a guy in the year above me at school who made my life a misery, to the extent that I now have a restraining order against him. He was clever- and turned a lot of people aginst me because I was vunerable and he appeared the more convincing one. So I was deemed a liar. However, I am very much of the opinion that you shouldn't burden others with your problems; it isn't their fault or responsibility.

I commended 'anon 1' on her kindness. People do not, from experience, care about other people.

Let's respect the fact that she has shown this girl kindness which has served to make her feel a little happier. But this doesn't change the fact that she doesn't need to be dealing with this.
Carl1982
Jesus thats now that is scary actually having to look away at someone cutting themselves, i think if she didn't want anyone to find out she would do it in private.


She may well have wanted Anon to notice, maybe even stop her!

I have been in the situation where the only way to get someone to knock sense into me was to purposefuly do something stupide (that I would do anyway) in public to make them knock sense into me.

If she was being that public, it was probably a very open cry for help.

Put yourself in her shoes. You are despirate, you need help, and the only one your age that you can trust pushes you away. Its very difficult to deal with problems, even if you are getting help, if you have no-one to talk to and no-one to rely on.
Reply 15
Lord...

Giiiiiiiiiirrrrl, I Know How You Feel.. Cuz I Been There, Trust Me...
I Remember Like A Year Before I Dropped Outta High School There Was A Girl In My History Class She Was A Smart Ass And I Mean Real Smart Like She Was Gettin Like Good Grades And Everythin.. And She Started Bein Friends With Me And Stuff( I Never Considered Her My Close Friend Tho, Cuz It Wasnt Like That)..... And Than One Day When We Was Hangin Out She Told Me How Her Mama Gets On Her Nerves And She Dont Understand Her And Than She Cuts Herself And Some Shoot Like That, I Was Like "whaaaaat?!" I Got Real Uncomfortable And I Felt Soooooo Dang Sorry For Her U Can Imagine..i M Sorry But I Stopped Talkin To Her.... I Mean I Know That Was Real Mean And Shoot But I Told Her I Was Busy And Stuff, Cuz I Cant Be With Someone That Does This To Herself U Know? Like I Feel Bad And I Cant Tell Her What To Do, Even Tho I Told Her Thatshe Should Stop. I Told Her That Her Mother Is Someone Who Loves Her More Than Anybody Else Does But She Didnt Wanna Listen..

That Was Like Maybe 2 Years Ago.... I Dunno, May Be More...anyway I Hadnt Seen Her And I Hadnt Heard From Her Like In 2 Years And I Was Wondering If Somethin Happened To Her Or What( Thinkin About Her Killed My Heart, Cuz I Felt Real Sorry For Her And I Wish I Could Helpe Her).... And The Other Day I Was On The Bus And Somebody Sits Next To Me And I Look, It Was Her...i Was So Happy To See That She Was Ok....i Asked Her About Her Mom And She Said She Still Go Problems With Her.. And Cant Wait To Be Legal Age(18) To Move Out On Her Own)....

Sorry If I Wrote Too Much, Just Wanted To Share With You Guys.:d
Firebird
In my mind, there's not a big step betweene cutting yourself in front of people and cutting other people :eek:

Actually, there is. I've never done it myself (didn't really occur to me, I'm not that type), but self-cutting is just a way of releasing tension. It's not really that different from beating up a pillow (never tried it? Do, it's rather satisfying :biggrin:). To cut someone else requires a different emotion - malice towards them. In a way, I guess it could represent inwardly-directed malice - but that's a world apart from what you're suggesting. Never hated yourself, or felt like a dolt? Wanted to go do this :banghead:? If that's so, you're lucky... but if not, then , with the your above, you're close to being able to happilly loathe everyone else, or go bang heads against walls.

I'm speculating slightly here, but I hope some of it made sense - rather difficult to explain :smile:
Reply 17
Firebird
I totally understand what you're saying.

What I meant was... If the girl is cutting herself, and someone was to turn around and say "stop that you weirdo" or whatever, then she could get angry, and since she's already playing with a knife... You never know.


In my experience* it's the other way round - people who harm themselves are less likely to physically harm others. It's still pretty manipulative though.

*I have never self-harmed but have witness such behaviour while being treated for an ED & depression in hospital.
Reply 18
You need to set limits with your friend as whilst you have no one to 'off load' what she is saying onto it is becoming a serious issue for you. Whilst it is good for her to feel that she can talk to you, you can't allow her to be upsetting you in a great way. You're only 16 and I don't think you're in the position to play the role of the counsellor as well as friend, its not your job to. Counsellors are trained to be able to 'turn off', friends aren't.

I don't think you should end your friendship with the girl. Yeah, she has problems and she's abit confused but she needs you. However, you need to make sure she knows you have clear limits within the friendship- she can't depend on you and tell you 'everything' as you're not qualified to help her and its worrying you. That said, I think you need to talk to the teacher she speaks with at school and mention that you're worried as she is cutting herself in school in front of you. Thats plain manipulation.You're not breaking your friends confidence by telling a teacher as it will help her. If the staff already know about her then its ok, tell her that you're telling the people who can help her properly. Its not a betrayal of trust.

The fact that she is cutting around you is the most worrying... maybe she feels she needs some form of validation for what she is doing? A cry for help and to show someone how much she is hurting. Sort of, she 'shows' you and then because someone else has seen her do it, everything becomes real in her mind, whereas when you're on your own it can become very easy to think 'what I'm doing isn't dangerous, I'm not really a self harmer, its ok what I do, its not bad enough to be serious' when in actual fact, if you're cutting yourself, you do have a serious problem. Personally, I would never have let anyone else see me hurt myself as its a very private thing and I couldn't even comprehend doing it infront of someone as it would hurt them... but I can sort of see why she might feel the need to.

Just for the record though, I doubt she would attempt to cut you, or anyone else. Like BellaCat said- it's a very private thing, and her knife/blade/whatever she uses will most likely signify alot more than just an object to her. When I was cutting my knife became a part of me and I would never have used it to hurt anyone else, or anything bar myself. It was the only thing I ever used, then I lost it, and I can honestly say I was upset for ages...it felt like because I had lost that, I'd lost the things which kept me alive... which is why I wouldn't 'share' it with anyone.

I admire you, its a tough job putting up with someone with 'problems'. Alot of my friends deserted me, and then I began the some of the few who stayed with me (long story...) and yeah, its tough. I've been on both sides, as the friend and as the self harmer... and I think its hell being the friend as all you want is for the other one to be ok again.
Reply 19
i'd never trust a girl who carries this heavy baggage around with her...

now i dont mean to be brutal, but.......... i think i'd act stand-offish....even if it means her ending her life... because i know that eventually she will drag me into her "world" and i'll become the same....oh, hell no!!

dont let these 'baggage people' affect your life....remember these people are not rare in the world....i'd advice you to secretly consult a psychiatrist for her... then tell the girl you want to introduce to her new "friend" (the psychiatrist of course) and let the PSYCHIATRIST pickle her brain...not you!!