The Student Room Group

This shouldn't hurt, but it does

Ok so me and my boyfriend split up like a month ago now, and I have coped with it really well. We were together 3 n half years and did everything together, we were so close. Anyways so we split up cus were at different unis and he don't feel the same anymore. We stayed good friends, we speak a few times a week and get on great still. We went to the cinema last week and it was fine, I was happy. Since splitting up with him I have kissed 2 guys. Anyways yesterday we just had this really wierd conversation on the phone, where he asked if I had kissed anyone and I told him I had, and he said he had kissed 2 women. But anyways....basically this really hurt me, like I felt really sick, and just it really hurt. I didnt expect it to, cus afterall I have done the same right? I didn't even really wana get back with him cus uni's just easier single, and I know there was no chance of that anyway. So why does this hurt? Now I cant get that image out of my head n I feel sick, it's horrible. I mean we needed to admit it eventually cus were friends and when we go on holiday together hes gona be doing it infront of me! How can I get over this? When I thought I was 'over' him. I had just begun to not think about him every day, but now this has happened I feel like I am back to square one. :frown:

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Reply 1
Sounds like the classic 'I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him either.'
Reply 2
It's very difficult to stay friends with an ex - not impossible, but hard.

If he is someone you still want to keep as a mate, you need to distance yourself from him for a while first, else everytime you make progress with getting on with life, he's going to be able to yank you straight back to step 1...
Reply 3
Are you sure he has kissed other girls though? If you told him first that you had kissed other people, then maybe he was just pretending he has as well. And he could be feeling just as bad as you do.
no I'm pretty sure he wouldn't lie to me, and I know he feels nothing like that for me anymore, cus I told him everythin yday and he said he definatly doesn't see me like that anymore just as a mate. Yea we are gona be mates, its been fine sofar, we even met up as mates a week ago after 3 weeks of splitting up, and that was fine. Suppose it was just a shock finding out that its real and that he has moved on...even though I thought I had too! oh well. I think I might not speak to him this week until next week when I go stay at his (were goin to see little britain live 2 weeks today n i gota stay with him). Spose I just gota accept it. And as for that first reply that is horrible, I want him to be happy, but I cant face that thought yet, I mean we have always been together aint we, since we were 14/15 and now we are 18/19 so. It is hard
I'd say try and keep as much of a distance as you can if you want to stay friends. I spoke to my ex on MSN the other day for the first time since we broke up, and having thought I was absolutely fine with the breakup, I ended up in tears after he told me he had feelings for someone else.
I felt like such a hypocrite for being upset, because I've actually gone one step further and kissed someone else since we broke up, but still, it felt terrible that I couldn't convince myself he was pining away without me.
I think he only told me that he liked someone else to stop me wanting to get back with him, which made me feel terrible when he told me (he doesn't know I've got with someone else yet, as I think telling him would hurt him - it was with a guy he felt a bit paranoid about when we were together), but hey.
Just try and keep your distance and don't try and rush into being friends. My ex and I have agreed that talking about emotions and serious things to each other has got us nowhere and only made us more upset, so we're keeping that to our own 'support networks', and the only communications we have with each other are friendly superficial emails about day to day things like cheese and films.
The way I look at it, we're trying to build up a completely new relationship as friends from nothing - carrying bad feelings over from our romantic relationship won't help either of us at all.
Take it easy, and try not to think about him too much. There is light at the end of the tunnel, if not now then soon :smile:
Reply 6
I know how you feel - it's been over 2 months since I broke up with my boyfriend, but I still really want him back even though we were arguing. I haven't kissed anyone else despite plenty of opportunities, I always back out at the last minute. We are trying to be good friends but it's so hard. He doesn't want to be with me right now but he is convinced he wants to marry me etc after uni, which is messing my head up.. I'd love for us to get together eventually but it makes things impossible to deal with in the meantime! I'm trying to move forwards but I guess being close to him still is holding me back. For example, I was going to go and meet this guy (sort of an ex I guess) who I really like, but my ex got really upset and although I said to him "you want us to be single, you can't have it both ways" I still ended up not going cos I couldn't stop worrying about him. I met a nice guy on Friday who wants to meet up with me for a drink, and there is another guy in my halls who I like, but I think I need a break from men altogether :frown:.

Anyway, sorry about ranting about my own problems to you but I think what I'm trying to say is that being close friends with an ex is always gonna be hard. I'm lucky that my ex isn't interested in anyone/hasn't kissed anyone cos I think I would be pretty upset. I wish I could advise you better but I am too confused myself! I think we should both try to stay close to our exes cos they are good friends to have, but whether it really can work or not remains to be seen...
yea well ciara your situation is a little more mind messing up than mine. Atleast its clear to me my ex don't want anything atall from me apart from friendship. I think you need to put your foot down with your guy, and tell him it's all or nothing, and he can't say he wants to get back with u after uni, cus whats the point, you might aswell be together now in that case! Meet up with that guy and try and move on. I have kissed 2 guys, one of which was a big mistake and i didnt even wnt to but he gave me no choice! lol, and the other which I did want to, I really liked the guy, i used to work with him and so that was really good last week. I finally thought I was moving on until he told me that, and I suppose the reality that I ain't really over him hit me. Yep I am staying away from relationships for a gud while now, I'v never been single really, so I'm just having fun now. I think im gona keep my distance until 2 weeks when im goin to stay with him, let me calm down cus i dont wana argue with him. You know hes so lovely tho, even through this conversation yesterday we didnt argue, n he talked about everythin with me, never once did he try and hang up or avoid the convo, hes always there for me, which is great! To helenicious thanks for that advice, it was really helpful about trying to keep it superficial convos n trying not to mention the relationship.. That had worked well for 4 weeks, but i had to tell him how i still felt yesterday, cudnt keep it in, cus i didnt know what he thought. Now I know he definatly doesnt feel anything like that for me, I have to do stage 2 of moving on! lol
wednesburywench
To helenicious thanks for that advice, it was really helpful about trying to keep it superficial convos n trying not to mention the relationship.. That had worked well for 4 weeks, but i had to tell him how i still felt yesterday, cudnt keep it in, cus i didnt know what he thought. Now I know he definatly doesnt feel anything like that for me, I have to do stage 2 of moving on! lol


Yep - I had to get 'The Conversation' out of the way before we could start moving on, I'm glad we have now, just enjoying hearing from him as a friend and being single and able to flirt with male friends guilt-free :smile:
wednesburywench
Ok so me and my boyfriend split up like a month ago now, and I have coped with it really well. We were together 3 n half years and did everything together, we were so close. Anyways so we split up cus were at different unis and he don't feel the same anymore. We stayed good friends, we speak a few times a week and get on great still. We went to the cinema last week and it was fine, I was happy. Since splitting up with him I have kissed 2 guys. Anyways yesterday we just had this really wierd conversation on the phone, where he asked if I had kissed anyone and I told him I had, and he said he had kissed 2 women. But anyways....basically this really hurt me, like I felt really sick, and just it really hurt. I didnt expect it to, cus afterall I have done the same right? I didn't even really wana get back with him cus uni's just easier single, and I know there was no chance of that anyway. So why does this hurt? Now I cant get that image out of my head n I feel sick, it's horrible. I mean we needed to admit it eventually cus were friends and when we go on holiday together hes gona be doing it infront of me! How can I get over this? When I thought I was 'over' him. I had just begun to not think about him every day, but now this has happened I feel like I am back to square one. :frown:


Aww *Hugs* I felt like that when I heard a while ago my ex had met someone new and we had broken up for at least 2 months. I felt really depressed and panicky and jealous etc I had realised we split etc but didn't prepare myself for him meeting somebody else :frown: Im coming to terms with it now, still really hurts though, especially as we don't talk anymore (he prefers it)
Ok well he's adament he doesn't see me that way, and it wasn't overnight he had been thinking about it for a few months, he just waited to see how it went. It can happen. We have been together 3 and half years, I suppose its easy to become to comfertable, altho it came as such a shock for me as I thought everything was fine (apart from bein 100 miles apart at uni). I suppose I should be grateful he is still a good mate and thinks of me enough to want to make the effort to be.
Yea I suppose so, he told me he wasnt bothered and sounded pretty cold on the phone, then again he did ask questions so....I dunno! Just gota get on with it aint I, be glad were mates n be happy for him that he is gona be happy. Maybe one day, but I wont hold out for that. Sigh, everything was always so amazing with us. Im so happy that i can be happy for everything hes given me though, and the fact we have never argued.
no cus he didnt see me in that way anymore, I didnt wana split up I love him to bits. Altho I do agree i find it hard to believe he cant like me anymore, just how does it just stop after so long. He says he doesnt wana feel bored at 18, like n that sparks gone, even though i think hes hoping, because surely all relationships get more friendship like after that amount of time! Ill let him live his life, expereince other people, and see how it goes, atleast iv made a best friend from all of it! and learned there are some really really nice guys out there.
Reply 13
Pretty Boy
Never argued? My relationships are drama after drama... fun tho! hehe

It sounds as if u guys should've stayed together.

You dont really know anything about the situation so I dont think you can start passing judgements like 'it sounds like you should have stayed together' and 'he still wants you' when to be honest it sounds pretty obvious he doesnt (no offence intended wednesbury).

I know its tough, especially thinking you're fine with something and then realise its not.. Its one of those things that will just take time, it just hurts now. Sorry I cant really say anything more helpful :redface: I'm doing completely the wrong thing with my ex and still staying stupidly close garrrrrr I'm being such a hypocrite :redface:
Reply 14
mangomaz
You dont really know anything about the situation so I dont think you can start passing judgements like 'it sounds like you should have stayed together' and 'he still wants you' when to be honest it sounds pretty obvious he doesnt (no offence intended wednesbury).

I know its tough, especially thinking you're fine with something and then realise its not.. Its one of those things that will just take time, it just hurts now. Sorry I cant really say anything more helpful :redface: I'm doing completely the wrong thing with my ex and still staying stupidly close garrrrrr I'm being such a hypocrite :redface:

:dito: to all of that.

I think I'm just hoping he'll change his mind and that's why I'm staying close :redface:. He is a great bloke and a great friend though.
lol its hard tho isnt it...isnt just so easy to just give up on him, but yes i'm doing ok so far, we are being quite grown up about it really.
Reply 16
ciara
:dito: to all of that.

I think I'm just hoping he'll change his mind and that's why I'm staying close :redface:. He is a great bloke and a great friend though.

Thing is, I'm just so worried about when he finds someone new (he kind of did a week ago or so and I got so mad and he felt all guilty mwahaha) and I really dont know how I'll react. Like today we were watching dvd's round his and we were in his bed together, arms around each other all couply it was soooo twisted. Dont know what to dooooooo :frown::frown::frown::frown: I guess it'll just take time till I get over it, I just really dont want to lose his friendship it means so much to me. *sigh*

But anyway no thread hijacking sorry!
what !! no you cant touch each other lol. Me and craig are friends, and we will share the bed when we see each other, but like that sounds to me like your still together! its all or nothing i think you need to give him an ultimatum!
Reply 18
to me, when you break up with someone, then you don't really see or talk to them.. let alone share beds..
Reply 19
Vitriol01
Sounds like the classic 'I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him either.'


I think that pretty much covers it.