Me

Hey, firstly this thread is going to take ages to read. It’s not a specific problem/question or comment but more of a self analysis over the past few years. I could really do with some constructive comments about what I write so to anyone with the patience and interest, I thank you in advance.

You know sometimes you just sit quietly by yourself and think things over, weigh up your life and just have a general think about how its going for you, well I’ve been doing this a lot lately and I’ve realised that although there is nothing specifically wrong with me, I am generally unhappy about several things and the person I am. I need some opinions. Okay so I’m 19, male and live in Portsmouth where I study graphics and art at Uni. I previously lived in Cornwall where the problems began. Having had little experience with women (you know that childish shy phase most of us have). Anyway I met a girl in year 10 at my secondary school. We did the usual thing, cinema etc and then after some awkwardness she finally asked me out, fantastic. The first couple of weeks where a bit weird but as I got to know her I realised how amazing it was to find someone to connect with. I won’t use the term love as it is way overused and it’s not appropriate for now. She was funny, very attractive, and sweet and everything else a guy could want in a girl, life was great. As I got to know her more I found myself finding it difficult to deal with her past, particularly in the area of previous boyfriends etc. Even then I had always considered myself mature for my age. I would always act older than I was and help out at home etc as my parents worked ridiculous hours and needed help. Anyway with this new relationship brought problems that I had not been used too and I guess in hindsight I dealt with them badly. Despite this as the months went by, our relationship grew stronger. After about 6 months I began to stay over night at her house (my parents would never allow us to be together over night so we spent most of the time at her place). We did the usual stuff for that age I guess and always talked about sex, agreeing that we wouldn’t do it until we were both ready. I have always been fairly self conscious about myself, I’ve always thought of myself as unattractive although I’m probably not that bad, it’s that psychological thing that most of us have! Plus at this time I had pretty bad skin which is always a problem for people at school. Despite this I felt very comfortable around my girlfriend which gave me much for confidence.

One day at school she just came up to me and told me she was ready to have sex, I was really excited and also a little scared but that weekend we finally did it and despite the usual worries about the ‘first time’ it went well and just brought us together more. Over the next 6 months we had our little arguments as all couples do but nothing very major until for no particular reason she began to become less affectionate and I began to have some quite jealous feelings about my her. Knowing what I know now about jealousy in relationships would have been very useful but this was a good few years ago and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I found that my jealousy focused mainly on sex. I began to become upset and even angry if I thought she found other men attractive which was a real overreaction on my part. In life now, I’m a realist. People are always going to look at other people; it doesn’t mean they don’t love you right? Back then I wasn’t in that frame of mind and began to let my jealousy cause problems between us. I know what people generally think of jealous men and I’m not asking for a lecture on how pathetic you think I am, believe me I have been there, besides a lot has changed in my life since what I am talking about now and any bad comments you have about me then are probably right. Over the next year she became less and less affectionate with me and this just accentuated my feelings of jealousy. We began to argue more and more. The most difficult thing in a relationship from a sexual point of view for me was the balance between sexy and romantic. Because of my jealous feelings I thought more and more that I needed to be a demon in bed rather than being sweet and romantic which is what she wanted in the first place. So because I was giving her what I thought she wanted or what I wanted instead of what she really wanted this just made the problem even worse. Another main issue was the fact that we spend an awful lot of time together which I think along with her loss of affection and my insecurities was one of the main reasons that I began to develop these jealous feelings. We would talk on the phone all the time and spend most of our free time together. She began to spend less time with her friends as and I also lost contact with most of my friends as they were just typical 16 year old boys with the behaviour that goes with it. Not ideal candidates for someone for me to talk to about my life and feelings etc. Basically life went on, the problems got worse and although we ‘loved’ each other we argued an awful lot. My jealousy became ridiculous, I would always wonder what she was doing or where she was, who she was with etc and this caused us to drift apart. There is no excuse for my behaviour and I know that, although in my defence, we are not born with the knowledge of how to deal with serious relationships and although is sounds crazy now it made sense to me. She was everything to me and I just didn’t want to lose her. I know now that controlling a person is not the way to keep them, this has been proven in history a thousand times over, but at the time, it was the only thing I felt to do. By our second year together (now in college) things had gotten pretty bad. We had talked about breaking up and even separated for a few days a couple of times but we always just talked again and talking turned to crying and crying turned to making up. That is the thing we did really care for each other, even if I was bad at showing it. I knew what pressure I was putting on her because of the way I behaved and I also put a lot of pressure on her about our sex life as it became less and less fun which again, just made the problem worse. At 2 and a half years it was clear that we needed to separate but by this time we were such a massive part of each others lives. I practically lived at her house; I would walk her dogs, make dinner and get on really well with her family. Our lives were so intertwined and yet we both knew what had to be done. In the summer she became more and more friendly with my best friend which as you can imagine, with me how I was, I wasn’t to keen on it. She would tell me they were just friends but I knew her well by this time and I could tell she had feelings for him. After about 2 months of depression over this new issue I told her we needed to break up. Despite all the anger, friction and crazy feelings we parted on good terms. We hugged and cried, agreeing that it was the right thing to do. In a way I was relieved because I knew I wouldn’t be hurting her anymore. I broke up with her because I knew she had feelings for my best friend, which she denied. Over the next week or so I was very confused, upset, cried in the middle of the day for no reason and even more at night when I lay alone. I felt so empty. One of my friends threw a party and I decided to go to take my mind off things. This was possibly the worst night of my life. I walked in on her and my (soon to be) ex-best friend. I was so upset, 2 and a half years of us and a week after she was with him. 2 weeks later they were officially a couple. My friends told me to stop being miserable and move on but I was devastated. I spoke to both of them and told them that what they had done to me was very hurtful and inconsiderate, they agreed at the time, as did our friends. The thing that hurt me most was the fact that I had ruined my chance to make her happy, I had pushed her away and had been replaced, I has lost my girlfriend and my best friend and I felt truly alone. I told them that they should do whatever made her happy. In truth I wanted to kill my best friend, how could he do this to me? But my guilt outweighed the anger and I did just want her to be happy.

Since then I haven’t been able to find anyone else who I could have those feelings with. I’m not a religious person at all, more atheist than anything but I do feel like maybe it’s because I don’t deserve anyone. I have been with 4 people since her, 2 of them our friends which has caused further problems between us. She thinks that I was with them to get back at her; maybe it’s true, I’m really not sure anymore but no matter what I do I just seem to make things worse between us. 6 months since we broke up (now) and I still think about her everyday, I still feel the guilt of my behaviour and it is reflected in my personality. Is it possible to be truly forgiven? To change?

I am not the person I was before, I was immature, scared, confused and I know this now and I have really changed and I think most of all I just want her to know that I am sorry. We have tried talking but our last conversation ended with her telling me that she never wanted to speak to me again, she actually said she wouldn’t care if I died. I can’t live my life with this hanging over me. Time is a great healer I know but I honest about the past now in everything I have written and I understand that I treated her badly.

Right now I have some good friends at uni but I just can’t seem to find anyone for a relationship. Im finding it very hard to talk to women and when I do I have no idea how to read them anymore or figure out how they feel about me, I guess im just really out of practise. I really want too find someone so I can somehow make up for what I have done and prove to myself that I can make a woman happy and have a successful relationship. Most of all, having been used to being with someone for so long, I am feeling alone.

I wake up everyday and feel like something is missing and I am generally unhappy, do I deserve it? Im not sure but all I know is that I have changed, Im not a bad person. Can I ever make up for my mistakes for me if not for her?

Please let me know what you think about my comments. Thank you.

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

I am very sorry to hear your sad story.

It's not really your mistake, you were too young at that time, and maybe you didn't know how to control your jealousy and your anger. If you keep blaming yourself like that, it can't be over.

Just go and talk to her, or send her an email to explain if you find it's hard to say when you are face to face. "Sorry" will never be too late. She was your girlfriend and she can understand you. She may even know how devastated you were...

First love is always the most beautiful and maybe most painful. I am sure you'll never forget it, even when you have your own family or when you are old. But at that time, you would see it's differently, lots of nice memories instead of pains.

But right now, it upsets you. You are feeling lonely, but don't think of finding another girl quickly just to replace her position in your heart. It doesn't work. There'll be the time that you'll find one who can heal your pain. Talking to your friends will make you feel better.
Don't feel guilty any more. Just think about the future and make a plan for your study/work. When you are working, you will concentrate on it, and there's less time to think of your sad story.
Or if you think of it, think about the time you were happy together. And speak to yourself that you never regret that you love her.

Be strong and let it over gently and warmly.

Reply 2

gbduo

Have you thought about emailing this above post to her, it is very heartfelt and full of emotion, your true feelings about life and what happened; it might explain a few things to her? Least if it is emailed she has the option to read it or not, say that you really want her as a friend, you know you been a dick and an A hole by messing her around but want to make it up to her. You know it is not going to be easy and that it will take time, but you really want to make an effort and try to be friends again because she means so much to you.

Are you sure you love her as a girlfriend and not as a close friend? Different type of love, but equally very similar.

You have to say sorry, you have to talk, you have to tell her your feelings, your honest feelings. Don't give her ******** and 'how it wasn't your fault', tbh i don't think you would, but the best course of action would be to accept you made a mistake and accept liability for your actions. If she shuts you out then at least she knows you are sorry for hurting her so badly she doesn't want to talk to you.

The key to this my friend is talking, as hard as that may be. I suggest you email this post to her, it is so heartfelt and honest that i am sure she will be flattered and know your true feelings. I would then talk to her on MSN or call her after, depending on what reply you get!

I hope you sort yourself out dude, you sound like a really nice guy deep down. We all make mistakes and we HAVE to learn from them, hurting the people we care about deeply is always hard but we just have to admit we were wrong and apologise for being a prick and then try and patch things up. You will have to accept tho, that if you do this, you wil probs not ever have a relationship with her again, but you may have her as a friend which is better than not at all.

Good luck

Graham

Reply 3

ebonyphoenix

Wow! Reading this is so sad. I really can tell that you are feeling horribly. I think based on everything you've said that the relationship is over, but it seems to me that you need some closure or this is going to continue to eat away at you. I really would recommend writing out all of your feelings in a letter or email and giving it to her. It gives you an opportunity to think through everything you possibly would want to say and since you don't have to tell it to her face, you can make sure everything gets down. Of course there is something to be said for face to face contact and letting the emotions out, but I find that sometimes expressing myself in a letter really works better. What you want to make sure of is that your letter is a genuine apology and also an acknowledgement of what you did wrong. You obviously want to avoid blaming her and avoid asking for her back. But just to write down everything you are sorry for may help you ease through your guilt and come to terms with the mistakes you have made. I'd say this would be more for your benefit than for hers, as unfortunately she probably is not interested in having you back. She may not even forgive you. But if you are honest and heartfelt about it, she will probably be moved, if not now, sometime later down the line. While I have never experienced heartbreak myself, it must be awful! Take care.

Reply 4

Flank Runner

First of all, you can't be forgiven, unless you first forgive yourself, what happened was bad, but you have learnt from it and become a new man,

Second you are not alone, i have been through a similar situation, although mine was more online, what you need to do is sit down and talk to this lady, explain to her exactly what you have said in this post, [emailing her your post would be ideal]

Then she will either 'forgive you' or move on with her life, either way you must stop blaming yourself and move on, yes it hurts, goddamn it hurts alot, but you must think of this as a learning curve, youve learnt something new about yourself and made yourself into a new man.

I wish you the best of luck and if you need further help or just someone to chat to, feel free to look me up :smile:

You are never alone :ciao:

Reply 5

QT06

When you said about waking up in the morning and feeling like something is missing, and you feeling empty....wow, I know how that feels-the most horrible feeling in the world(I ve been there, so I know)

See, if I was you, I would just try to forget it, it s gonna be real hard, but foreal, just try to forget it, cry as much as you want, whenever you want..it s good to let it out you know? i mean, she started going out with your BEST FRIEND, cmon now, i dont think she cared for you, because if she did, than she wouldnt have done what she did, you know? i would suggest you to "try to work it out" but not after she starts going out with your best friend, think about that....if she care for you, and she dont cry for you, why should you kill yourself over her? i know you love her, trust me i ve been in love....i know, but if i was you, i would not blame myself, instead i would just MOVE ON, because LIFE GOES ON, and there are a lotta surprises waiting for you, dont dwell on past, think about tomorrow...yesterday is a history...

good luck.

Reply 6

QT06

^ I meant "if she doesnt care for you"

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Thanks for your comments people, its hard to let go as im sure many of you know, im not sure what im going to do yet.

Does anyone else have any other comments? Thanks

Reply 8

Anonymous #3

I reckon she knew that she could dump you and find someone else within a week no problem but you're having a lot of trouble so she basically left you lying in the gutter. In the arguments was it always her who threatened breaking up and was it always her who slammed the phone down and called you nasty names?

Whatever you do, don't pester her like crazy. Don't text and call all day and night. That'll just cause her to hate your guts. I know somebody who's been on the recieving end of this. She broke up with her bf about a year ago. There was a period about 5 months ago that she got 15 - 20 texts and 100 ish calls a day from him. She ignored them all. He's also shown up at her uni uninvited and stuff like that. She now has to keep track of everything in a log book incase she has to go to the police or something. Do NOT go down that road!