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is it time to end it or am i just screwed up??
hey everyone, this is a very long thread but please read if u got the time because i could really do with some advice..! (posting as anon cos he browses through here sometimes)
so basically i've been with my bf for 4 and a half months now, however i have started having doubts about whether i am actually attracted to himas weird as that sounds...physically i think he's gd looking (wen his hair is done a certain way lol) and he has a great personality but i havent had that kind of feeling like phwoar ur so fit etc etc for so long. i lost my viginity to him 6wks ago but since then i havent actually wanted to sleep with him again. i only see him on the weekends we're at 2 different uni's and im quite happy with that-sometimes im not that fussed whether i see him or not. Further more i have avoided staying over at his wen his mums been away-simply cos i dont want to.
Im happy being with him in social situations-most wkends he comes out with my group of friends..during which i usually spend most of the time talking to him--we get on very well together..we always have stuff to talk about. Though i know he tries to keep my attention when we're out which annoys me because its difficult to mingle or go dance with my friends. Anyway he came up to uni and stayed with me this wkend, which is the second time he has and he decided to stay an extra nite, at which i told him i think i mite go home and get more work done. He then asked are u only with me cos we were set up (we were set up by 2 friends). at which i said no! then he said well u decided to go home after i told u i was gonna stay. and i said well i makes more sense cos ill get more work done bla bla
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago after making another excuse not to stay at his, he finally asks whats up and i told him u know im going to be honest with u, sometimes i dnt want to see u or im not excited about seeing you, i dnt knw why its just the way i am, i also told him i dnt want to sleep with him untill i feel ready again-at the time i thought it was becasue even tho i am 21 sleeping with him came with alot of emotional stuff i wasnt prepared for-which it true. But now after spending the wkend together i realised its more cos i just dnt want to with him..?
im thinking its because im generally used to seeing him in social situations i.e. the pub / when we're out in a group, i've generalised him or seen him more as a friend ? other things aggrevate me about him i.e. his very heavy smoking habit and the fact that he doesnt try at uni-never does any work and is just hoping to pass-which i see as a reflection of his general attitude to life. (Im quite ambitious). I also find it particularly difficult because im in my last yr at uni and therefore have so much work to do all the time, and he does but he doesnt do it. I live at uni during the week and come home on wkends as imonly an hour away from hme. So wen im at home i like spending time with the family going out with friends and just chilling at home doing nothing
-which i think is why im not as fussed about seeing him outside social situations, cos i feel like i dnt have the time to. Saying all this i do love hanging out with him in the pub and he is such a cool person.
This is so messed up because i can be totally happy with him/hanging out with him-we had such a perfect valentines day. He's already told me he loves me, so i dont want to mess him around anymore. But i just can't make up my mind, the main thing im worrying about is that am i jumping the gun? or am i misconcieving getting on so well with someone from the opposite sex as worth trying to work out a relationship??
im so sorry for this long post, thanks to anyone who managed to keep reading to the end..would appreciate your advice/thoughts on the situation!
xxx
so basically i've been with my bf for 4 and a half months now, however i have started having doubts about whether i am actually attracted to himas weird as that sounds...physically i think he's gd looking (wen his hair is done a certain way lol) and he has a great personality but i havent had that kind of feeling like phwoar ur so fit etc etc for so long. i lost my viginity to him 6wks ago but since then i havent actually wanted to sleep with him again. i only see him on the weekends we're at 2 different uni's and im quite happy with that-sometimes im not that fussed whether i see him or not. Further more i have avoided staying over at his wen his mums been away-simply cos i dont want to.
Im happy being with him in social situations-most wkends he comes out with my group of friends..during which i usually spend most of the time talking to him--we get on very well together..we always have stuff to talk about. Though i know he tries to keep my attention when we're out which annoys me because its difficult to mingle or go dance with my friends. Anyway he came up to uni and stayed with me this wkend, which is the second time he has and he decided to stay an extra nite, at which i told him i think i mite go home and get more work done. He then asked are u only with me cos we were set up (we were set up by 2 friends). at which i said no! then he said well u decided to go home after i told u i was gonna stay. and i said well i makes more sense cos ill get more work done bla bla
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago after making another excuse not to stay at his, he finally asks whats up and i told him u know im going to be honest with u, sometimes i dnt want to see u or im not excited about seeing you, i dnt knw why its just the way i am, i also told him i dnt want to sleep with him untill i feel ready again-at the time i thought it was becasue even tho i am 21 sleeping with him came with alot of emotional stuff i wasnt prepared for-which it true. But now after spending the wkend together i realised its more cos i just dnt want to with him..?
im thinking its because im generally used to seeing him in social situations i.e. the pub / when we're out in a group, i've generalised him or seen him more as a friend ? other things aggrevate me about him i.e. his very heavy smoking habit and the fact that he doesnt try at uni-never does any work and is just hoping to pass-which i see as a reflection of his general attitude to life. (Im quite ambitious). I also find it particularly difficult because im in my last yr at uni and therefore have so much work to do all the time, and he does but he doesnt do it. I live at uni during the week and come home on wkends as imonly an hour away from hme. So wen im at home i like spending time with the family going out with friends and just chilling at home doing nothing
-which i think is why im not as fussed about seeing him outside social situations, cos i feel like i dnt have the time to. Saying all this i do love hanging out with him in the pub and he is such a cool person.
This is so messed up because i can be totally happy with him/hanging out with him-we had such a perfect valentines day. He's already told me he loves me, so i dont want to mess him around anymore. But i just can't make up my mind, the main thing im worrying about is that am i jumping the gun? or am i misconcieving getting on so well with someone from the opposite sex as worth trying to work out a relationship??
im so sorry for this long post, thanks to anyone who managed to keep reading to the end..would appreciate your advice/thoughts on the situation!
xxx
Well i wouldnt throw the towel in yet it sounds like you got a decent guy do you really want to lose him, just take it slowly, or least talk to each other and decide what you both really want.
^ Agreed. Are you sure it's not more platonic though what you feel for him, if you're not wanting him? I would have said it sounds like part of you would rather be single. Maybe you feel a bit indifferent to him sometimes because you're content with your life anyway and have a lot on your plate with your course. I'd persevere- if you can't imagine not being with him.
I just think (for me) that when I'm with someone it's got to be "Wow!" I'm very happy single (as I have been the last year) so definately not saying they should consume your every waking thought and impede your social life etc..but definately think the prospect of seeing them should give you butterflies.
I just think (for me) that when I'm with someone it's got to be "Wow!" I'm very happy single (as I have been the last year) so definately not saying they should consume your every waking thought and impede your social life etc..but definately think the prospect of seeing them should give you butterflies.
I know the feeling! I totally understand what you're going through. I was with my boyfriend for around a year and although I really, really fancied him at first, and the first 8months or so were brilliant thing started to get bad for me when he got a new job with quite long hours; meaning that I saw him much less. I just kind of went off him-in THAT way. I still liked his company, cos he is a really lovely boy- a great catch so everybody tells me, but I just didn’t feel sexually attracted to him, and it made me so confused cos things had been so good. I became more distant from him, and hugged/kissed him less etc (we'd never had sex) until he confronted me about the way I was becoming more distant from him and we decided to take a break from each other.
That was a few months ago, and now we're just friends (Although he wants more, he’s told me he loves me. I’m not sure if being friends is fair on him, but I do still enjoy is company and wouldn’t wanna just stop seeing him, because we were so clsoe and still get on well). I think I made the right decision in leaving him (after our break we were together for a trial period of about 1/2months until I ended it), even though I must admit I do get jealous if he mentions any females (I think this is just a case of me not wanting him, but not wanting anyone else to want him either! I’m difficult like that!).
It makes me sad that my relationship with him kinda died away, but I am much happier out of it-I used to make excuses for not staying round his, and it was making both of us upset (he wasn’t getting enough affection, I felt guilty for not being affectionate). I think I’ve rambled on a bit here, and not really sure I’ve come to much of a conclusion for you....basically try it for a bit longer, I was with my boyfriend for a few months after realising I no longer felt the buzz of excitement when I was around him, and I think it was necessary to have that time to help make up my mind about leaving him. He was very good to me, and I can see why people see why people think he’s so perfect but things just weren’t right.
I guess you've just got to decide whether life without him would be worse than your current situation really. Relationships are bloody difficult things, I just hope they start to get easier as I get older! Though when I think of getting older, I then worry that I might not find the right person to settle down with, which worries me because I want loads of children! Though that's for another post. Sorry for rambling(and excessive use of brackets!), and hope my post has been of some use!xxxx
That was a few months ago, and now we're just friends (Although he wants more, he’s told me he loves me. I’m not sure if being friends is fair on him, but I do still enjoy is company and wouldn’t wanna just stop seeing him, because we were so clsoe and still get on well). I think I made the right decision in leaving him (after our break we were together for a trial period of about 1/2months until I ended it), even though I must admit I do get jealous if he mentions any females (I think this is just a case of me not wanting him, but not wanting anyone else to want him either! I’m difficult like that!).
It makes me sad that my relationship with him kinda died away, but I am much happier out of it-I used to make excuses for not staying round his, and it was making both of us upset (he wasn’t getting enough affection, I felt guilty for not being affectionate). I think I’ve rambled on a bit here, and not really sure I’ve come to much of a conclusion for you....basically try it for a bit longer, I was with my boyfriend for a few months after realising I no longer felt the buzz of excitement when I was around him, and I think it was necessary to have that time to help make up my mind about leaving him. He was very good to me, and I can see why people see why people think he’s so perfect but things just weren’t right.
I guess you've just got to decide whether life without him would be worse than your current situation really. Relationships are bloody difficult things, I just hope they start to get easier as I get older! Though when I think of getting older, I then worry that I might not find the right person to settle down with, which worries me because I want loads of children! Though that's for another post. Sorry for rambling(and excessive use of brackets!), and hope my post has been of some use!xxxx
thanks for the replies, i amjust so confused! ive had thesefeelings for a while now, and i was considering breaking up with him a month ago because i felt he wastoo clinngy and couldnt have my space. Im just worried that if i leave it for a while then it will end up messing with my revision. I am already worried where i will fidn the time to c him during easter hols because revision will be so intense and i never go out or see friends during that time cos i feel there is no time left to spare! my friends think hes perfect as well because hes so smitten with me and nice and id be mad to throw it away but at the end of the day i dont think i should be feeling like this in a realtionship of 4months. Furthermore, the later i leave it the more worser it'll be on the oth of us. i really dont want to hurt him cos he's been so nice and ive never goton so well with a guy-this is the first real relationship, which is y im reluctant to leave it so easily especially because i slept with him, he knows somethings not right anyway so i guess the best thing to do is talk to him about it. Though i so dont want to hurt him. suggesting a break mite be a good idea as i could sort out how i really feel about him..again tho i dnt want anything interfering with revision so its going to be tough!
If he truely loves you he'll give you some space during your revision.
hey
i used to always think that about my boyfriend, i could never work out why i was attracted to him, and i was only attracted at certain times etc. yet i would always want to sleep with him/anything physical, that was fine, even though it always hurt me it also excited me in some strange way? sometimes i wonder whether distance really does make the heart grow fonder, because i split up with my boyfriend and recently i cant stop thinking about him, and know he feels the same, but it always was confusing. sometimes you have to wait things out and be willing to get hurt/hurt someone...if you finish with him now you may regret it more than anything...
i used to always think that about my boyfriend, i could never work out why i was attracted to him, and i was only attracted at certain times etc. yet i would always want to sleep with him/anything physical, that was fine, even though it always hurt me it also excited me in some strange way? sometimes i wonder whether distance really does make the heart grow fonder, because i split up with my boyfriend and recently i cant stop thinking about him, and know he feels the same, but it always was confusing. sometimes you have to wait things out and be willing to get hurt/hurt someone...if you finish with him now you may regret it more than anything...
I know, but i've been feeling like this for so long that its almost like i dont want to pretend anymore. I think i have have mispercieved having a good rapport with him for a relationship. I don't know how i would feel if we broke up, thinking about it now i feel pretty indifferent and not that fussed. Mostly i think i'd miss him in terms of the social side of things and having someone to talk to but i wouldnt miss him as a boyfriend . We're going out with my group of friends on friday and im not sure whether its best to talk to him before or after. We've both been looking forward to this, and i don;t want to take that away from him, but at the same time i don't want to feel like im pretending with him and pulling away from him, and have it ending in a big drama...oh decisions.
Think i has a similar situation with my bf, tho it was him feeling that about me, so he ended it in november. However he kind of realised he did want to be with me so we got back together.
I think i noticed as its the little things, such as no sex, avoiding each other, arguing for the hell of it etc.
I think i noticed as its the little things, such as no sex, avoiding each other, arguing for the hell of it etc.
i have that feeling tooo....i like my bf he told me he loved me but i cudnt say it bak.i really do like him but every so often im like aw i dnt find him attractive or o we just dnt get on that well or wotever.i get bored easily and i thought this could be the reason cuz ive never had a long relationship but as much as i liek my bf i duno if were goinanywere. its very 1 sided
i do everythin drive 2 c him etc and he just kinda goes along with it.im supposed 2 b goin 2 c him now but 2 b honest its at times like this i think omg y am i seeing him, i really cudnt b bothered to go and c him and have 2 drive bak late and then sit and do work...
i do everythin drive 2 c him etc and he just kinda goes along with it.im supposed 2 b goin 2 c him now but 2 b honest its at times like this i think omg y am i seeing him, i really cudnt b bothered to go and c him and have 2 drive bak late and then sit and do work...Yea thats exactly how i feel, i never not see him, even if i can't be bothered i always do and when i do, im happy while im there-just chatting away, but then after a couple of hours, im like i have to go, got work to do.
I just feel like its such an effort to see him all the time, even tho i only see him on a friday and saturday night..the majority of my friends are desperate to see there bf's whenever they can, some see them everyday and i just think god a couple of hours for 2 days is enough sometimes. What what u guys do im my situation?
I just feel like its such an effort to see him all the time, even tho i only see him on a friday and saturday night..the majority of my friends are desperate to see there bf's whenever they can, some see them everyday and i just think god a couple of hours for 2 days is enough sometimes. What what u guys do im my situation?
It seems to me that it'd be best if things ended. Or at least that’s how I reacted in my situation when things were similar to how they are with you and your boyfriend now. It sounds like it would hurt him a lot to end, but then dragging a relationship on with him feeling a little neglected, and you feeling confused and guilty isn't going to be too nice for anyone either.
I still enjoy spending time with my ex (altho it does feel odd to call him that as he was my first boyf, and we were together for quite a long time) but its much more pleasant now than it was towards the end of our relationship as I don’t feel any pressure to be lovey-dovey with him anymore. And as we aren’t a couple, we don’t have to spend lots of time together, which seems like a situation you might prefer, rather than meeting up out of a kind of sense of duty and politeness you seem to have at the moment. I can appreciate my ex is a good guy, and I do have really nice memories of our time together, but you cant force things to work, however much you might want them to.
Considering you have so much work to be doing I would say ask to postpone things (i.e say you’re a little unsure about your relationship but don’t want to rush into any decisions) ‘til after your exams/hand in dates etc, that way you can re-analyse your feelings at a time when there isn’t lots of stress around, and he can have a slight cooling off period from the relationship, which may make a split less of a horrid shock. It may be hurtful to him, but then you have to look out for yourself as well….I know that I got very down when I first started to feel different about my then boyfriend, because I couldn’t understand why I’d stopped feeling that way. I hope my comments have been of some help and that things resolve themselves ok!xxxx
I still enjoy spending time with my ex (altho it does feel odd to call him that as he was my first boyf, and we were together for quite a long time) but its much more pleasant now than it was towards the end of our relationship as I don’t feel any pressure to be lovey-dovey with him anymore. And as we aren’t a couple, we don’t have to spend lots of time together, which seems like a situation you might prefer, rather than meeting up out of a kind of sense of duty and politeness you seem to have at the moment. I can appreciate my ex is a good guy, and I do have really nice memories of our time together, but you cant force things to work, however much you might want them to.
Considering you have so much work to be doing I would say ask to postpone things (i.e say you’re a little unsure about your relationship but don’t want to rush into any decisions) ‘til after your exams/hand in dates etc, that way you can re-analyse your feelings at a time when there isn’t lots of stress around, and he can have a slight cooling off period from the relationship, which may make a split less of a horrid shock. It may be hurtful to him, but then you have to look out for yourself as well….I know that I got very down when I first started to feel different about my then boyfriend, because I couldn’t understand why I’d stopped feeling that way. I hope my comments have been of some help and that things resolve themselves ok!xxxx
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