Feeling left out slightly.

Okay well, at college, I hang out with this group of people who've done the lot - sex, drugs, everything. They talk openly about smoking and doing drugs and their sex (and love) lives. I'm a virgin in both respects - I've never smoked (not even tobacco) and I've never slept with someone. I'm kind of experienced when it comes to the relationship front (I've had two relationships in the past two years lasting a week or a week and a half, with a huge gap in between each relationship).

It's not as if they intentionally try to leave me out, but obviously I'm going to feel it as they've done it all and I haven't. I usually think of myself as someone who doesn't bow down to peer pressure (I've been pressured to sleep with someone, I said no. Offered a cigarette, said no, and so on), but I've lately felt like I should at least try these things (and kid myself that I just tried for the experience and not because my friends do it) so I'd feel...included. I'm also older than a lot of these people - I'm eighteen soon, I've already been at college a year, and they've just come out of school, sixteen years old.

I've been wanting to distance myself from them recently also - as if it's a sort of "I feel left out so either I embarrass myself further by nodding along to what they say, try drugs for the sake of it, or walk away from the group". They are really nice - they're not malicious or anything, and I don't hate them or dislike them for the lifestyle choices they make (what they want to do is their business) but I just...it's effecting me in a way I didn't realise would happen.

Reply 1

smartangel

Stay away from them. Dont cut them off from your life completely if you say you dont hate them , keep them as friends ,but try to find other friends who are more like you, so that when you compare yourself to them, there is a balance, and you wont feel the peer pressure as much. making friends with a variety of different people is a good way not to be influenced by any of the varieties.

Reply 2

username47781

20

Well be thankful you haven't got all that rubbish inside your body i.e the drugs and there's no rush to lose your viriginity take your time don't let them pressure you.

Reply 3

pumpkin7

13

hmm i feel left out at the moment. my friends decided to restart the band we were all in, and didn't ask me to be in it.. yeah... not quite as serious as drugs, but it still hurts.

Reply 4

smessy

1

i agree don't cut them out of your life...maybe you could talk to one or two of them about it...or are you not comfortable doing that?
just make sure you don't do anything you might regret or don't want to do...as thats not what friendships about!

Reply 5

lostinfantasies

OP

2

Well, they don't all do the same thing - my best friend out of the group just smokes tobacco occasionally and drinks, and that's all. I could talk to her about it. The others I've told I've never touch a cigarette in my life and they just went "don't try it", as if they were warning me. I have actually asked my best friend if I could try when she's lighting up but she's stopped me and told me that I don't want to go down "that road".

Reply 6

smartangel

Well then they seem to know that you dont do what they do, and arent exactly pressuring you into it, unless trying to discourage you from doing what they do pressures you. Try not to feel so pressured or to smoke , take drugs or whatever they do, unless you are convinced that its what you want, and according to what you say, i dont think it is what you want so just stick to what you want/think and not to what they do. You can try talking to them , but i dont think you could change them...

Reply 7

Passenger

Hey, just like to say that when I was 15/16 I was in a similar situation to this. The group of friends I was close with started doing drugs and smoking and getting completely wasted as often as possible. As I didn't want to do any of these it was sometimes hard to be around them as I couldn't always be included in the things they were doing. They offered me drugs and cigarettes plenty of times, but each time I refused. After a few months of this I decided that I didn't want feel so left out all the time, so I joined one of my old friends in a different friendship group. It was hard at first but the people I am friends with now I have way more in common with and always feel included. I'm even going on holiday to Spain with 7 of them for two weeks this summer.

I can't say whether you should do the same things I did, but when I look at the people I used to be friends with and how they turned out I know I made the right decision. I still talk to some of the people I used to be friends with so I wouldn't suggest you drop them completely, but there may be people out there better suited to you.

Reply 8

*tinkabella*

i think its good that they are telling you not to try smoking, its one thing trying drugs (altho its not a good idea to do this just to try and 'fit in') but there wont be any new experiences or anything to relate to other people about with smoking. All you will do is risk getting addicted and damaging your health.

I know what you mean about feeling a bit left out though - not exactly the same but my boyfriend does ecstacy from time to time and from thinking that its the most horrible drug in the world and i would never touch it, its made me really curious in a sort of 'whats so great about it' way. However I still think that its not for me and I wont be doing it. If he or other people start talking about it i tend to just start talking about something else!

If you really like these people and get on well with them then I dont think you should just completely ditch them, as they are that bit younger its likely that the novelty or having sex and doing drugs will wear off soon and they will stop going on about it all the time!

Reply 9

so_this_is_sam

3

DONT start on drugs just to impress someone, infact dont do it for anything!!!! are u sure they wldnt accept you for your decisions??? threy cant be great friends if not! never feel pressured into things like that...

Reply 10

~gemma~

Well done for sticking to your beliefs and not following what your friends do. There is nothing worse than being a sheep and doing something just because everyone else is. You will get more respect for doing what you're doing and being yourself cos that makes you a better friend than one who thinks they are cool just cos they have done drugs and had sex. Don't lose your friends over this but don't lower your standards either. Good luck with it!

Reply 11

In Love

dont get involved in their activities, however as you dont hate them, dont completely leave them... but definitely don't do any of the things they do just to get involved. Feeling left out is better than taking drugs etc... you'll b thankful for not trying that crap later

Reply 12

Lettuce

11

I have to say congratulations on not giving into peer pressure because alot of the time, people who do generally regret this. Do things you want to rather than do things becuase you want to please them. Dont rush into having sex becuase you can boast and say you've done it or drugs to say that you've tried them,to all the people. Good friends never pressurise you into doing things, they stick by you and your beliefs/morals.
You could bring up topics that you know they would listen to and join in on.
Goodluck because I know what it is like to be left out from groups although it is a differnet matter but I assure you it will become better when you know who your true friends are.

Reply 13

Aeris

15

I agree with some of the things that were already said. Try to find groups around campus focusing on things you like to do. You'll find friends there who talk about more interesting things. Your old friends wont mind. College is a big place and you have the opportunity to meet many new people everyday.

Reply 14

Nysh

1

lostinfantasies

Okay well, at college, I hang out with this group of people who've done the lot - sex, drugs, everything. They talk openly about smoking and doing drugs and their sex (and love) lives. I'm a virgin in both respects - I've never smoked (not even tobacco) and I've never slept with someone. I'm kind of experienced when it comes to the relationship front (I've had two relationships in the past two years lasting a week or a week and a half, with a huge gap in between each relationship).

It's not as if they intentionally try to leave me out, but obviously I'm going to feel it as they've done it all and I haven't. I usually think of myself as someone who doesn't bow down to peer pressure (I've been pressured to sleep with someone, I said no. Offered a cigarette, said no, and so on), but I've lately felt like I should at least try these things (and kid myself that I just tried for the experience and not because my friends do it) so I'd feel...included. I'm also older than a lot of these people - I'm eighteen soon, I've already been at college a year, and they've just come out of school, sixteen years old.

I've been wanting to distance myself from them recently also - as if it's a sort of "I feel left out so either I embarrass myself further by nodding along to what they say, try drugs for the sake of it, or walk away from the group". They are really nice - they're not malicious or anything, and I don't hate them or dislike them for the lifestyle choices they make (what they want to do is their business) but I just...it's effecting me in a way I didn't realise would happen.

What you have to do is accept that you are different, and that difference makes you special, in a way. It's a difficult concept to understand, but you have to realise that you don't need to be doing those things to fit in.

At my Uni, for example, I'm one of the very, very, very few I know, who have never had the whole, "sex, drugs, alcohol" sphere. People will tell me that that is kind of weird, but in most parts, if you are proud of it, or at least confident about it, it doesn't affect you. I can go to a pub, watch people drink/smoke whatever they are smoking, and not even get influenced to try it, simply because I am proud of it.

You don't have to distance yourself from them (though I would advise you to), but you need to learn how to stand your ground, and be yourself without having to wish you could conform to fit in with them. If they are true friends they'll understand why you don't do those things, and they shouldn't really care about it. If they're not acting like that, then you know that it's probably better if you go elsewhere.

Reply 15

Talon

18

There is no good reason to "just try" smoking. Dont even go there. The ones doing all the drugs wont get that far in life...seen it happen at uni.

As for the sex, thats you choice. If you just go and sleep with someone just for the sake of trying it you will regret it...

Kudos for the saying no. Dont see why some people find it so hard...

Reply 16

Segat1

16

Don't try to grow up too quickly, just cos everyone else is. Do what you feel is confortable and whilst I dont think you shoudl stop hanging with them as they seem fairly tolerant of your stance, I'd widen my friendship group.

Reply 17

warranty-ideal

12

A person is often reflected by the company they keep... It sounds like you are nothing like these people, and want new friends. It's scary to go find new mates, but you sound cool, you'll manage.
All the best.

Reply 18

Brubaskia

1

the people in my college class are like that with me, so dont feel your alone. At the end of the day, its your choice what u do and when u do it and all i say is good luck with it all.
All the best

Reply 19

musicdreamer

1

Some of my friends wanted to "just try" smoking cause everyone else was smoking but they became addicted and are wasting loads of money on cigarettes and whatnot. I've been offered to try several times but never have. Smoking and drugs are not something you should regret not trying.

Wait with sex until you find someone you truly care about, after all there's only one first time so make it special.

Feeling left out slightly.

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