Head versus heart...

it's tricky isnt it, i know how you feel and dont really know the answer myself. guys never like to be straight forward and thats why we always get hurt. you have to try talking to him, face to face, but try not to let him kiss you etc (so hard to not) but you need to find out reasons. you both have a lot to talk about, and i really hope things work out for you. i think sometimes you have to work out whats best for you, and if you think gettin back with him is best regardless of whether you may get hurt again then do it. we all take risks ....

when i saw the title of this pots i just felt like i had to reply. My mum once said to me dont let your heart rule your head, and like any other sensible teenager i didnt listen, and i let my heart go screaming on at full speed..........into a brick wall, or at least thats what it felt like, and i got royaly screwed over by my boyfriend (who is now my ex funnily enough) but because i let my heart rule, the same happened again, and for once i decided to listen to my mum and even tho i flet so strongly about him i left him and now i know it was for the best, so maybe you should listen to you brain coz your heart isnt always right.

I've got my mum saying the exact same thing to me, because it was her who had to help me pick myself up when things went wrong before This is why I'm so scared... it's a massive risk and I just don't know. At the same time, I think I might regret it if I don't try, but I just cannot cope with going through pain again. Argh. Thanks for your advice everyone, I really appreciate it.

When you were together - did he find it NATURAL to talk to you of his feelings for you? In other words, was he an incurable romantic? And I mean romantic - not flirt. Because if he was/is - that would explain why your break-up was handled badly - guys of a genuinely romantic nature are notoriously bad at ending relationships as it goes totally against the grain.
I can empathise with him not wanting to burden you with his problems - I'm the same - I'll listen to anyone else's problem, but won't share my own. It's something I can't really help - maybe he's the same - although I do realise it can sometimes alienate people.

Common sense says that he (and I) really don't have the right to decide what's "fair" for others, without consulting them first. That's easy to say; not so easy to do.

It does sound to me as though he was a little insecure in his relationship with you - inasmuch that he couldn't be sure of your reaction to his problem. This suggests that he "loved" you, but he didn't really "know" you.

Have you told him that if he thought his problem was sufficient to make you walk away - then he's nuts? That you wanted to stand by him through choice? You sound to me as if you'd stand by him willingly. Which makes him a very lucky guy.

If I were you, I'd consider reading him the riot act, and tell him what a blind, stupid fool he'd been, that you were there for him if only he'd removed the blinkers, that you're still there for him and that he'd better get his act together rather rapidly.
I wish you all the luck in the world.

Dave, thank you so much for this thoughtful and incredibly perceptive reply. He does seem to fit your description of a genuine romantic, as when we were together I was constantly surprised by how open and loving he was when it came to talking about our relationship and feelings. You've really hit the nail on the head in quite a few of your observations here actually.

I'd made it clear to him when we were together that I wanted to support him through his problem and wouldn't walk away, but when he ended it he said he only envisaged the situation getting worse. From the suddenness and the way it was handled, I think he just panicked and was probably, as you say, feeling insecure. However, I did pretty much what you've suggested and wrote him a letter after we broke up spelling out precisely what lengths I would go to to support him and be there for him. I agree we'd probably have had some tricky patches, but I was, and still am, completely willing to support him no matter what.

I guess all I can do now is reaffirm that, and keep your lovely post in mind when I do get to see him in a few weeks. Thank you for taking the time to respond

Yes I also think he panicked. D'you think he may actually have realised his mistake, but not know how to go about setting things straight with you?

Again, yes, re-affirm by all means, but add a little tone of indignation in your voice.

I have to say that imho, this whole sorry affair should never have happened. Will us guys ever learn?

I doubt it.

Good luck.