The Student Room Group

parents and birthdays

i the last decent birthday i had was my 15th. coming up to my 19th im kind of nervous and a quite hurt that ive missed out on whats ment to be two special days (16th and 18th). every1 else i know seems to have had a really great time on theirs but my parents just decided that after my 15th i was too old for birthdays and im probly the quietest of my siblings so on my 16th i was dumped babysitting a couple of 10 year olds and my brother. what pissed me off most was that i wasnt even asked, on top of that another child was invited round and my mum hadnt even told me. it was just assumed i would do it, so i couldnt even plan my own day out. my 17th the same thing happened but i rebelled and went out anyway with some friends, then nearly got stranded in town (40 mins drive from my house). looking back on it was funny but it made me feel rather neglected that no one would pick me up even on my birthday. my 18th was almost the same story. me and a friend shared a birthday but it was midweek and just b4 exams so everyone was so stressed out that nothing really happened appart from afew drinks in the local pub near school, before i got the bus back home. i couldnt stay later because i didnt have a lift.

now i dont know how to feel about my parents. they keep phoning me and i just feel smothered. which is weird because just looking back at my 16th all i wanted was to have a day out shopping with my mum. her excuse was she couldnt because she had allready taken days off for my siblings. its not sibling rivalry either. i dont begrudge them that time with my parents. they are younger than me and needed it more. now i just want to be left alone (which is never going to happen) but i also want to have that birthday party that i missed out on and i want to be surrounded by friends.

am i just being stupidly childish for wanting this big party on my 19th and making such a big deal of it? logically i keep telling myself that its not a biggie. there will be other nights and other partys but thats not how it feels.

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get over it!! i dont think iv had a birthday party since i was about 7!!!

my parents give me a present and a kiss...thas about it!!! ur 21st is the one to have a party for (either do 18th or 21st not both!). there are vague discussions going on about mine which wont be happening for another 3yrs anyway...i probs wont get round to doing anything tho!!
I know how you feel, my birthday this year was spent on a bus for 20hrs during which no one remembered despite being told. I got about 4 presents, hardly even texts from my so called friends. I did have a good 18th but oh yeah that's because I organised the party and paid for it....funny that
I'd so go for it, if you don't want your parents to be there then don't invite them. At lot of clubs near me have a part of the bar that if it's your bday then they section it off for you til like 1230 (longer if you pay) and that way you can invite all your friends
Reply 3
As above, I havern't had a "proper" birthday party since I was 5-7 years younger and it's fine, doesn't bother me in the slightest :p:

If you want to throw a massive party with everyone you know, you should be old enough to arrange something like that by yourself now without it having to be your birthday. It can still be as good :smile:
Reply 4
lol same here, i just didnt want anything to be done for my 16th and 18th birthday, to me its just another day.........:frown:
Reply 5
sorry i know u just think that im a typical angsty teen. its not even the party thing tbh. ive never had a proper bday party. i used to have days out with my parents and i really enjoyed it. i just wish i could skip the entire day and ignore it, but just like my parent issues its not going to go away so i guess the next best thing is to do something big, which i am organising. problem is that if it goes wrong i know that im going to feel terrible and im really scared of that happening.
Reply 6
Anonymous
sorry i know u just think that im a typical angsty teen. its not even the party thing tbh. ive never had a proper bday party. i used to have days out with my parents and i really enjoyed it. i just wish i could skip the entire day and ignore it, but just like my parent issues its not going to go away so i guess the next best thing is to do something big, which i am organising. problem is that if it goes wrong i know that im going to feel terrible and im really scared of that happening.


I don't think you're wrong to feel sad that you haven't had a proper birthday party and that you think it's unfair of your parents to take advantage of you by making you look after your siblings; after all you can't get back those birthdays. It doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things though and it does sound as though your parents really do care about you even if they are clumsy about it.

Organise a part of your own. I wouldn't start off big though, the way you're suggesting, make it a party with just a few of your closest friends and gradually work up to the big society event.

:bumps: Happy birthday (whenever it is) from me.
Reply 7
You want a party?

Oh please, no one owes you anything in this life.
i think it's up to you to organise your own party. i know how you feel because my friends all seemed to have massive parties for their 18th birthdays, costing hundreds of pounds at extravagant venues, but my parents didn't want to get involved. so i sorted my own bar, invites and everything. it was good, and i'm actually quite glad that they weren't there to witness how drunk i was!
Reply 9
Tell your parents, the evening of the party that you are having some mates over to celebrate..... that will teach them....
Celebrate it on your own. I never enjoy my own parties so I don't have them anymore!
When is your birthday? If I were you I'd tell your parents in advance that you want a party... tell them what you plan to do, and if you would like them there or not. That way they can't lumber you with babysitting because they know your plans.
Reply 12
im not at home anymore. its more of a breaking away thing i suppose. i dont need my parents anymore so they cant let me down on this one. anyway now its morning i dont feel so bad about it lol. ive got good friends and im not organising it alone. we are all going to go out and get smashed. i just hope there is no photographic evidence!!
Reply 13
I think most people are forgetting the point here. It's that the OP feels neglected, they don't necessarily just want a party. I agree, it is up to to you somewhat to arrange your own days out etc. For example, my mum and dad just give me presents, cards etc and then I went to London on a shopping trip for my 17th. Otherwise, I myself haven't had a party since I was like 9 or something!

The OP feels like their parents don't have any time for them. I mean come on, who on their birthday would want to babysit:mad: :mad: I don't like doing that when it's NOT my birthday!

To some extent, it is partly understandable as parents have so much to do and you have your younger siblings etc. You just need to talk to them, tell them that sometimes you would like a bit of time on your own with them, go out for a meal or something.

Also, on the lift back thing, well they're not taxi services anyway. I always get taxi's if my parents are too tired. I mean you are an adult now and everything. Though, I do admit that I'd be annoyed if my parents always made me get lifts back and left me stranded as they are relatives and should always want their children to be safe.

I think the key to this is being independent but at the same time talking to your parents because they should be rocks for you. At the same time, you have to learn that sometimes parents don't mean to isolate you, they are so run off their feet and I am sure they don't mean anything by it. Can I ask how many siblings you have? What ages? Maybe they just zap your parents of all their energy!

Chin up, who says you can't have cool parties? :biggrin: :biggrin:
Reply 14
UnfinishedSympathy
I think most people are forgetting the point here. It's that the OP feels neglected, they don't necessarily just want a party. I agree, it is up to to you somewhat to arrange your own days out etc. For example, my mum and dad just give me presents, cards etc and then I went to London on a shopping trip for my 17th. Otherwise, I myself haven't had a party since I was like 9 or something!

The OP feels like their parents don't have any time for them. I mean come on, who on their birthday would want to babysit:mad: :mad: I don't like doing that when it's NOT my birthday!

To some extent, it is partly understandable as parents have so much to do and you have your younger siblings etc. You just need to talk to them, tell them that sometimes you would like a bit of time on your own with them, go out for a meal or something.

Also, on the lift back thing, well they're not taxi services anyway. I always get taxi's if my parents are too tired. I mean you are an adult now and everything. Though, I do admit that I'd be annoyed if my parents always made me get lifts back and left me stranded as they are relatives and should always want their children to be safe.

I think the key to this is being independent but at the same time talking to your parents because they should be rocks for you. At the same time, you have to learn that sometimes parents don't mean to isolate you, they are so run off their feet and I am sure they don't mean anything by it. Can I ask how many siblings you have? What ages? Maybe they just zap your parents of all their energy!

Chin up, who says you can't have cool parties? :biggrin: :biggrin:


if u can afford a 40 min taxi ride on a regular or even one off basis then u are far more wealthy than ive ever been lol. what annoys me is that they would offer the lift then retract it at the last min and my plans would be ruined, or dump the babysitting on me without notice assuming i didnt have plans when usually i did. i understand my parents had no time because they work but suddenly once ive left home and dont want their time anymore they are chasing me and trying to get me home and wanting to take days off to be with me. its about 4 years too late and i dont want it anymore. i know as soon as i rely on them they will let me down again. i know they love me and i guess i love them or i wouldnt get upset over a silly party.

ppl seem to think im not independent enough from the responses. i only ever ask my parents for help in the direst situation because every time i have done it in the past they havnt helped at all. either that or their help has come with a huge cost. interfamily power struggles arent good if u live miles away from civilisation and need to rely on your parents. think about it, if they cut your allowence how do u pay for bus faires? u are literally trapped. before someone mentions working it no one even bothered replying to my cvs most of the time.

sorry for the long posts i know im just making a fuss out of nothing. im free now and thats what matters. i just wanted to explain what i ment to the people who have been nice enough to respond.
I think its a bit harsh that your parents wouldn't let you appreciate your birthday. I haven't had a birthday party since I was about 10 but I still have a day where my parents give me presents and they we go out for a meal together or have a take away. The last few years, I've eaten with my parents and then gone out to the pub or whatever with my friends. A couple of years ago they held a surprise sleepover for me which was great :smile:
I don't think you're making a fuss at all to ask for a party. I know plenty of people who have had parties for their 19ths and 20ths. Maybe you should explain to your parents that you've been feeling a bit neglected birthday wise and that you'd like a party this year.
I don't think that you're asking too much, because it is a special day! But you should also stress that you are now an independent adult, and you definitely haven't been feeling negelcted in any other way!
:tsr2:
Reply 17
UnfinishedSympathy
I think the best thing to do is move on with your life, keep some distance but obviously not totally as they are your parents.


easier said than done but thats what im aiming for. im having my birthday with my friends and probly a day with my parents afterwards. oh the joys of family life huh?

thanks for listening to my angst.
Ahh, I dont even get a christmas card of my mum..

Nevermind, there are people in the world much worse off..

I sympathise, though
Reply 19
firebird- sorry didnt make it clear enough. ive moved out, i have a job, im at uni, life is good.

but that point of my life when i was living at home was virtually living hell at times and i still feel bad about it sometimes now. especially with my birthday coming up. my dads stern but usually fair and my mum is a phyco but would very rarely hurt me physically. like little red sox said there are plenty of people in worse situations. i think the birthday thing was because i am the quietest and they have allways thought i would be the one to never leave home. ive been a dissapointment to them in so many ways. maybe if we had talked more they would have realised that i am probly the most likely of my siblings to want to detach from them. ive allways found trusting people and forming attatchments difficult.

at the moment im struggling to keep a distance from my parents. the power struggle continous as i want to keep my freedom and they are doing all in there power to get me back under the thumb. i really would have to at rock bottom before i would accept help from them, especially money. tho saying that i think im going to let them help me with the move to my new place to keep them off my back a while. i cant cut them off completely so im trying to strike that ballance where they will be satisfied and i can keep them at arms lenght.