Head Boy Speech : Opinions please!

Get rid of the tree analogy.

Do explain why I should lose the quote? A lot of people have said they liked it.
What exactly is "the crap"?
How am I supposed to know what others want?

Since you seen to know a lot about the role of Head Boy, do tell me what it involves and how I can change my speech to be able to achieve this role?

Lol'd

I second this.

I would be like the manure This part had me in a fit of laughter. I'm sorry if thats not the reaction you were hoping for.

I would be like the manure which the gardener spreads to enrich the ground, just that little added extra which can make a big difference.

Can you please explain what's cringeworthy or which sections are cringeworthy?

That's exactly the reaction I was looking for actually.

Because it's just going to bore people to tears On paper you might think it looks good to you but when you're on stage no one cares about that. More than likely it'll just make you look like an idiot.

I am joint Head Boy in my year after a tie. Have you campaigned yet? Put posters up, offer free sweets and cakes and suck up to all the teachers as they get a vote too. Your dignity should be hanging by a thread by the end of it. I didn't have much to begin with so...

In the actual speech itself you need to engage the audience. Do something different, make people laugh, get some music. The actual content of the speech could be ****, but the atmosphere you create is WAY more important than anything else. I had jokes and tried to be casual, but also tried to make a good point. I asked the audience questions and conversed with them.


Scrap all that pretentious stuff, it's just going to come off as lame.

Are you at a private school? If not then I'm sorry but you will get constant abuse for the rest of the year

"I will be the manure"

The Thoreau quote is pretty cringeworthy.
"I would be like the manure which the gardener spreads to enrich the ground, just that little added extra which can make a big difference." - Really?

Lets not forget "I have the compassion to listen" either.

That's exactly the reaction I was looking for actually.

Ok fair enough.

The thing is in my school we don't get to campaign, we just got told we had to do speeches a couple of days ago and now have to prepare a speech in about a week. Campaigning is not allowed. The teachers also do not get a vote in my school.

I would love to make people laugh and even use music but I can't think of a way to implement them so it makes sense and links with my actual speech.

I love the idea of jokes and conversing with the audience but again I cant think of relevant jokes. Also what questions to ask the audience?

I think I will cut out some of the cheesy, pretentious garbage

Do explain why I should lose the quote? A lot of people have said they liked it.
What exactly is "the crap"?
How am I supposed to know what others want?

Since you seen to know a lot about the role of Head Boy, do tell me what it involves and how I can change my speech to be able to achieve this role?

Ok thank you that's a good point.



I assume you mean the Henry David Thoreau quote "I cannot make my days longer...", right? I do come back to at the end with the last line, is that not enough?




How could I change the intro (in bold) to make it more interesting and attention grabbing?
Also I will take out the tree thing (underlined).

Any other changes I should make?

TLDR

Lose the quote because you fail, you crash and burn so miserably at the context of making "our days better". It's like your showing everyone the phenomenal records and abilities held by the best athletes, and then falling face-down on your chubby little flanks after the first step. The crap, as much as I'll say that it's tragic you can't see for yourself, is how your views are affecting your speech, and your annoying tone. When you write that the pupil council is absolutely useless - that's a really subjective statement. It may just be that everyone agrees - say that, then. Don't forget you're talking to an audience who most likely knows nothing about you. You come across as if though you're talking to a dear friend; don't half-expect people to know roughly what you mean without saying it. Your statement is flooded with cringe-making utterances, such as "I'm sure you will agree with me", "obviously football", "non-sporty things", "....although you might be tempted to do that". You give your ideas and not even the briefest hint how you will go about to do any of these things. You must laugh at your own jokes - what you think might be funny - really - isn't. Get off your high horse and look at what a down-to-earth speech is like. Watch a TED talk and look at the different ways people present their ideas.

And really, you're asking how on earth you're meant to know what other people want? Why are you applying to be a Head Boy? How can you possibly go to the average student who's feeling troubled and saying, 'I hear you, I'm there?', let alone possess the ability to motivate and lead teams?

And no, I'm no expert in knowing what the job description of a Head Boy is. It's just common sense. You can disagree with me as much as you want, but don't shun me or others for offering our comments/advice when you asked for it.