The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped) Watch

so_says_me
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Hey Guys and girls,

Let's start the No Contact Challenge. This has personally helped me 2 years ago, and i have seen many members asking for "how to get my ex back", and after breakup questions. The idea is a simple one, for 60 days, you will not talk or communicate with the girl that bazooka your heart. In any way, form, or communication, and every time you feel like saying something to her, you will write what you were going to tell her, AND/OR why you want to contact her, in this thread instead. This has been field tested by me, and it works from selling your soul to the she-devil.

You are going to do No Contact for yourself, you need to get away from here and move on. You will feel a transformation at the end of your challenge, and the ex that broke your heart, won't be a parasite in your mind anymore. You might even get your ex's attraction back, but you will be busy thinking about other girls to give her a second chance.

Let's begin,
Here are the rules:

1. First of all, before you do anything, read these articles:

The "Just Got Dumped" GUIDE
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=155594

The Ultimate Break Up Guide…
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=38886

and....

No Contact - The Guide

Quote:

from: majord23
http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=131094

So, you’ve had your heart broken, probably begged and tried to convince your ex to get back together with you and failed. Realising that staying in contact is causing you more pain than you can handle, you take the step of implementing this ‘No Contact’ (NC) that we advocate widely on the forum.

So what’s it about then? And what is going to happen?

Hopefully, most of the answers will be in this thread

What is No Contact?

While a seemingly simple question, there are variations of what ‘No Contact’ can mean.

1) You tell your ex that you won’t be contacting them and that they shouldn’t contact you.
2) You don’t tell your ex anything, and just drop off the face of the Earth.
3) You don’t tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply. (potentially damaging)

In my opinion, the most effective forms of NC are 1 and 2. They allow you to heal, as the ex isn’t given any way of providing you with hope (bait) or potentially emotionally damaging information (who wants to hear how great their life is without you?)

When starting NC, it is up to you what you want to say to your ex. Most people seem to say something along the lines of “Don’t call me unless you change your mind and want to give us another try”. It might also help to let them know that the window of opportunity to reconcile (from your perspective) will not be open forever.

You also may want to tell the ex why your cutting them out of your life – tell them it is so you can heal and move on. And in reality that IS why you’re doing it……

Why implement No Contact?

First and foremost, you are removing the source of your pain (your ex) from your life. If they aren’t in your life, they cannot hurt you – it’s as simple as that. And while the loss of the ex from your life in itself is painful, the benefits far outweigh the initial emotional turmoil.
No Contact allows you to get back on your feet and start to feel confident in who you are again. Remember a time when you were single and happy? Well No Contact is going to put you on the road to getting back to that point.
Some may be reluctant to take steps to regain independence, but you are useless to anyone (including your ex if they want you back) if you are unable to be happy with yourself.

No Contact can also serve another purpose, and this is the one that (if you are seeking reconciliation) will probably be used by you as inspiration to keep strong in avoiding picking up that phone or sending that email.
And that is of course, to send your ex a wake-up call and perhaps make them second-guess their decision to end the relationship.

Will No Contact bring my ex back?

Perhaps, perhaps not. There is no fool-proof way to get your ex back…if there were, we would all be using it and would all have our exes back.

There has to be some desire to reconcile inside your ex – NC will not create that desire, but it may certainly bring any underlying doubts they have to the surface. That does not mean that your ex will act on these doubts…but you can be certain that NC will at the very least make them realise just what life without you is like.

Will my ex miss me?

To be honest, it shouldn’t matter – you should be doing NC for YOU. Having said that, it is always easier to stay focussed on maintaining NC if you know that it is having at least some effect on your ex.
So, will they miss you? In most cases (unless you have become a thorn in their side), yes - absolutely.
For those who have exes that want to remain friends: Why do you think that is?
It’s because they want you in their life. Exes very rarely stay friends…so in effect, when an ex asks to stay friends they are essentially saying “I still want you in my life”.
They are not ready to let you go (yet), so by implementing NC you are forcing them to lose you right then and there. NC prevents the ex from using you to cushion the blow of the break-up….by weaning themselves off you slowly.
Without NC you can be certain that once your ex is back on their feet emotionally (helped there by you), that the ‘friendship’ that seemed so important to them at the time will be non-existent.
No Contact is a far better option than staying friends. Being friends causes you pain and allows your ex to heal quicker. NC causes your ex pain and allows you to heal quicker

Not exactly rocket science, huh?

When should I implement No Contact?

ASAP but you must be certain that you can stay strong and stick to it. NC isn’t a decision that should be reversed until you are completely healed. If you keep implementing NC and then breaking it, it sends a message to your ex that you are needy and haven’t got the strength or the conviction to follow through on your commitments. Using NC without being genuinely committed to it is a recipe for disaster – you will break it and look weak. And you if you try to use NC again, your ex will not be too bothered….because “You said that last time”.

That’s why NC should not be used as a ‘shock tactic’ – don’t expect to implement NC and for your ex to come running back to you in a week or even a month. If you use NC, you have to be in it for the long haul.

Will No Contact push my ex away?

If there is hope for your relationship, then no it won’t – it will make your ex think about their decision.
After a few weeks of NC, you’ll probably get worried and start deluding yourself with thoughts like “Maybe they’ve forgotten about me…and maybe they think I don’t still love them”.
If that’s the way you’re thinking, then how about considering this: If you have NC with your ex for a few weeks and then contact them to tell you that you still care…what message does that send?
It says to your ex “I implemented NC to move on and heal…and now 3 weeks down the track I haven’t moved on or healed at all.”
The ex will again know that they can still have you if they want you…and even if they don’t hear from you for another few weeks, they won’t be overly concerned – the last few weeks hadn’t diminished your feelings, so why would the ex think the next few will?
Not a bad little (HUGE) security boost for the ex there, huh? Not to mention a huge step backwards for your good self.

How long will I keep hurting?

For as long as you allow yourself to. Remember, the ex is now out of your life – they cannot hurt you. So if you’re still feeling pain it is coming from within you – not from them.
It is perfectly normal to miss your ex, and by miss I mean that some days will be almost unbearable.
Go out, meet with friends (don’t talk about the ex!) or if it’s late at night think about the things you didn’t like about your ex…and even revisit arguments you may have had with them. If you have to think about your ex, think about the negatives.

Thinking about the good times is pointless – there is no possibility of having them back at the moment, and to dwell on what you once had is ultimately self-destructive.

Ideally, you should be doing your best to not think about your ex – do whatever it takes and keep busy. The less you think about them, the less you will hurt. Soon enough, not thinking about them will become normal.

What if the ex breaks NC and calls/emails me?

Two options: Respond or don’t respond.

If you have completely given up hope or don’t wish to reconcile with your ex – ignore the contact and keep ignoring any further attempts at contact. Easy.



...continued.
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so_says_me
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If you are seeking reconciliation, then it depends on what the ex says when they contact you.

If they are calling for a ‘catch up’, politely tell your ex that you were serious about NC and that they must respect your decision. This call may come after a few days, a few weeks or a few months. Don’t get into any discussions about yourself and what you’re up to – keep it short, and make it clear to your ex that NC isn’t just a whim….you are serious about it. Remind them, if it comes up, that friendship is not an option.

Make it clear that you are respecting their decision to end the relationship, and now they have to respect your decision to end contact.
If you are seeking reconciliation, you also have every right to question your ex about their intentions if they contact you. Do so at the beginning of the interaction – there’s no point having a great conversation with the ex and getting your hopes up only to find out at the end of the call that nothing has changed. Save yourself the trouble and find out at the start - if their motivation for calling you is anything short of what you are after, terminate the conversation politely…but quickly.

And...
What happens if you run into them passing by? I suppose just politely smile, maybe say hello, and keep going??

There are always going to be cases where some people bump into the ex.
When responding to any contact, or if it is a chance meeting, the key is not to be rude. Don't ignore them, but at the same time do not enter into a long dialogue with them.

Tips

Remove any photos and reminders you have of your ex from your life. Put them in a box and pack them away. You don’t need things like that preventing you from moving on.

Copy down your ex’s email address and phone numbers on a piece of paper, and put them in the same box. Then delete the email address from your computer and their numbers from your phone.

If you are strong enough to delete their contact details without writing them down, then do it! If not, do the above – it will remove the temptation to contact your ex (especially when you are out having a couple of drinks or at home alone in front of the pc ).

Stop talking about your ex with your friends. They’ll get sick of it, and it won’t help you one bit.

2. When you accept this challenge, post here and your time/date stamp will be recorded for accuracy. You will do this for 60 days.

3. No Contact will be initiated for 60 Days from the date that you post. This mean NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER...and I mean NONE. (Including going to picture sites and myspace/or like sites)

4. If you work with your ex, you can still accept the challenge. You cannot do ANYTHING to contact your ex UNLESS it is work related ONLY.

5. If you accept this challange, I would like a post every couple of days on how you are feeling and what you are doing to pass the time. I am hoping by doing this, others will read and try to help themselves is they have a moment of weakness.

6. If you have contact with your ex BY YOUR DOING..YOU MUST POST WHY YOU DID IT AND HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT AFTER. No exceptions.

7. If your ex contacts you, UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY, or there are children involved, you cannot respond. PERIOD. If you do, see rule 5.

8. If an ex comes over or tries to see you physically, this DOES NOT COUNT AGAINST YOU, BUT you MUST POST.

9. After the 60 days of No Contact has past, you must reread all of your daily threads and write a conclusion based on what you felt when you started and how you feel 60 days later.

10. When you post every couple of days, please put what day number you are on of the 60 day challenge so that other members can see how you are doing.

I would like for this to happen because I want other to read the progression involved in the NO CONTACT process.


If you do NOT feel you are up to the challenge, ... still do it! Don't be a chode and give her attention and try to work things out. 99% of times, it makes it worse. We are man, not little flower girls!


I wish you all the best....and GOOD LUCK.


If you accept my challenge, you will be very surprised at the end result.

I was transformed when i finished the NO Contact Challenge in 8/2007, and i thank Superdave71 for being the original person who started this at Enotalone. This challenge helped me out really well, and you will not regret it. If ANYONE can come up with more rules, PLEASE suggest, so I can update them. I will be happy to listen.

Index:

inspired slash "Researched" by Superdave71 No Contact Challenge, ( over 2000 pages!):
http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=164214
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Anonymous #1
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Literally wish I had something like this when my ex dumped me would of stopped a lot of heartache and hoping of getting back with him!
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username917703
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2) You don’t tell your ex anything, and just drop off the face of the Earth.
Is the best option.

I'm not a fan of telling them you're going NC.
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Jakeh
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wish i had this 4 weeks ago,

still, im in!

1 day down today!
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Really_Gonna_Rock_
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(Original post by Jakeh)
wish i had this 4 weeks ago,

still, im in!

1 day down today!
So how many days/weeks have you managed to go No Contact? How did it work out? Did you get over her/did she come crawling back to you?
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SuperCat007
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Well I'm not going to struggle too much (Hopefully). But I'm going to go for joining this too.

I have found that when I feel upset or cross about something writing in letter form, addressed to my ex helps hugely. It's like I've told him all the things I'm angry and upset about which I didn't have a chance to tell him at the time. I may send the letter eventually, but not yet!

I'm on day 15 no contact and mostly feeling fantastic!
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Really_Gonna_Rock_
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(Original post by SuperCat007)
Well I'm not going to struggle too much (Hopefully). But I'm going to go for joining this too.

I have found that when I feel upset or cross about something writing in letter form, addressed to my ex helps hugely. It's like I've told him all the things I'm angry and upset about which I didn't have a chance to tell him at the time. I may send the letter eventually, but not yet!

I'm on day 15 no contact and mostly feeling fantastic!
That's cool about getting to day 15 of NC....do not break NC whatever you do!

Why are you cross at your ex/why did you break up?

Personally I wouldn't send a letter to him; I think you should just move on to be honest. Sending a letter explaining why you're angry and upset is only going to cause more drama than you need and also it will delay you moving on.
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Auchtermuchty
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Could legitimately work for rejections as well!
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Jakeh
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(Original post by Really_Gonna_Rock_)
So how many days/weeks have you managed to go No Contact? How did it work out? Did you get over her/did she come crawling back to you?
3 weeks.

It didn't work out cos im still into her.
I didnt get over her, not yet anyway.

And she's apparently never been so happy, so nope lol
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Beardbrah
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in to watch, even though I don't have any exes. Think it's a great idea. Always thought if I did break up with someone, I would involuntarily do NC.
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Anonymous #2
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I'll read this tonight when I get some time. So lonely and broken after my relationship ended after many years.

Can't see how I'll get better.
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SuperCat007
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(Original post by Really_Gonna_Rock_)
That's cool about getting to day 15 of NC....do not break NC whatever you do!

Why are you cross at your ex/why did you break up?

Personally I wouldn't send a letter to him; I think you should just move on to be honest. Sending a letter explaining why you're angry and upset is only going to cause more drama than you need and also it will delay you moving on.
What happened to not talking about them?!

This is hard to discuss. Basically he turned very selfish, despite throwing hundreds of pounds worth of stuff at me (he thought throwing money at me solved all the problems). In the end he was just nasty and bullied me horribly, and in my opinion he was verging on abusive. I'm very angry because he always had a go about things I did but I could never discuss his behaviour because he was such a child and couldn't see that there was anything wrong with him. So writing letters helps loads, I'd like to send one but I'll see how I feel in time. For now I'm going to stick to writing my drafts and getting it off my chest!

Honestly, I feel like I am completely moved on. I have Fibromyalgia which is mostly in remission, but at the end I was really, really worried that I was getting ill again. I was tired, in pain, I had no energy and things were awful. Since I've got over the initial upset I have felt better than ever. I have loads of energy, I've taken up horse riding again. I have the energy to do overtime at work, and walk the dog, and do my OU course, and study for my riding teaching qualification all in one day!!! He was bringing me down horribly and I do not need people like that around. I've had a really tough 5 or 6 years and I desperately don't need people like that in my life. :rolleyes:

Oh also, I do still miss him horribly. (He really reminded me of my dad who died 5 years ago). But I just think of all the horrible things he said and did to me and I instantly feel better!

I think this thread is a great idea, even for people thinking they can't cope. I hope they can read this and learn that it can be done.
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Jessca
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I'm 8 months in with no contact and I don't think I will be talking to him again but it works - I do think about him but the pain isn't there anymore
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Anonymous #3
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this is a good idea but they're one of my best friends too so I dont think I could do it
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Future African game vet
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wow... good copying and pasting skills....
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Ambry
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This thread is freeking amazing!
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twinlensreflex
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I did #2 without even knowing this thread existed :cool: The only slight hitch was my mum still spoke to him :eek: We broke up in December, I no longer dislike him and I'm happily out of my little closet. No contact = win.
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Millie228
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Allowing your ex to contact you and replying has no place in the post. It is not No Contact. Nor does it have any function. If you are the dumpee, and you didn't want to break up, allowing the person to contact you will result in you waiting around for it to happen. Although you are not actually sitting in the sofa, staring at your facebook or phone, you are indirectly waiting as you know they have the possibility to do so.
I know that most people won't change their number, so most likely their ex will have it. But you should still delete their facebook, block their skype/msn, whatever you use.
Say you are a girl who's been in a FWB or non-exclusively dating a guy, and you want more. You know there is something more than sex between you, but not enough. OR you are a guy who's been dating a girl who's now going away/back home and therefore ends it. You tell your 'partner' you want a relationship, and they do not agree. It is possible then to say that if they change their mind, they can let you know, otherwise not. Still, you should cut them off your channels and move on. IF they do contact you, ask them immediately if they've changed their mind. If they say no, cut them off. Do not participate in chit chat - this is especially important for girls who's been involved sexually with a guy - he might be back just to get laid again. Be precise - most likely, they will not get back to you. And if they do, you may have moved on.
These are the only scenarios I can figure it remotely possible to respond to an ex you've cut off. I wouldn't even do this, because a guy saying he doesn't want to be with me, is not allowed to change his mind after he has 'played the field' or pursued the other girl he wanted more. Nobody should be an option.
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Millie228
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I deleted the entire message history as well, so now I can't even remember when I cut him off.. I remember it was on holiday, so last time I spoke to him online must have been the morning I came back, June 17th..
No contact since. Miss him a lot. I rarely talk about him anymore, but I'm seeing an old friend tonight and she doesn't even know about him and will ask, I'll try to keep it brief.
I've deleted both his international cell number, and the message history from my phone (which was hard, with all the sweet messages ). He doesn't have a very open facebook, which is good, as I can't see anything anyway.
Only minus is that I've been working a lot these days and there really isn't too much coming up to take my mind off him.
What's the opinion on block vs deleted facebook here?
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